DreamScar (Redone) Chapter 1

Chapter 11

Part 12

An Unexpected Visitor3


Anbo Arlington was seated on the only piece of furniture in the whole of Cristi Browns house that wasn't in such a case of disrepair that it couldnt be used for the purpose of which it was originally designed. He was seated on the sofa, bleary eyed. He was "bored" in such a manner, that as he had been sitting there, he was using his finger to pull out the stuffing of one of the couches many many holes and then restuff it, as an act of teary desperation. Of course this whole boredom play was just that. A lie, An act. 4

He looked amuck the "stuff" in the room and finally allowed his eyes to fall upon Cristi. He watched her, secretly intent upon her every move. He watched her, as she was typing furiously on the "computer". 5

Her thoughts were completely geared towards her new project. A telepod. She had transferred her living room into a makeshift lab for just the occasion. She had strung out pieces of this and taht, here and there across the once visible carpet. She had rewired what was once a microwave and large TV into what they now called their "computer". there were papers scattered and piled, laying on everything as if trying to seduce whatever it was they were lying on with their mysterious calculations.6

Anbo watched with false boredom. He watched her every move. Feigning even the slightest of ideas that he wasn't interested, he watched, and he waited.7

This would, seemingly, be a perfect time for an explanation. Cristi Brown was 16. She was a legally certified genius, and was therefore not very well liked. By much of anyone really. The adults disliked her for the fact that talking to her was useless becasue it always ended up in an argument, and arguing with Crisit was utterly useless. It was tiresome and got you nowhere, especially considering she was mostly always correct. she made them feel ignorant, and rightfully so. They tried to stay away from her and her mysterious past. Her peers did not like her, as in many cases in this day and age, because she was different. She made the wisest of men show their ignorance, and made people of her own age feel downright stupid. Mentally speaking, Cristi was a gem, Dug and cut from the most wearisome of mines. This, now speaking physically, was also true. Cristi was beautiful, most likely another reason taht that she was intimidating. She was lean, tall and athletic. She had beautiful, yet shocking green eyes, and bright blonde hair. She was the seemingly perfect girl, as many males her age, or even older, would say. She had perfectly straight teeth and a fair complexion. These, are but the current features as you should know them, but stay insured, there is much much more to her story.8

Cristi was tired. She had been working, without sleep for 2 and a half days now. She wiped the sweat from her brow and sleep from her eyes and trudgingly moved foreward with her work. she was typing frantically. She had finally found someone, a boy of 17. Hopefully the answer to her dreams. Cristi had been about done with this project, but now, she needed what all good scientists need. A guinea pig. She had been searching for days, maybe even weeks, time had lost its hold on her. She had been putting ad's online for many days, even before she had first constructed the telepods. But that was all past, finally, someone had accepted her offer. This boy that was just out of town had accepted her plea, and he was to be there later that day. Cristi hit enter on teh email message of directions and sighed. This was the hard work to her, considering her poorly developed people skills. She looked at Anbo who was just about to fall asleep.9

"It's done" she said, grinning mischeviously. 10

Anbo shook his head, waking himself up. "Wait, what's done?" he asked, having no honest idea. Cristi stood up, grabbed a ratchet and hammer, and maneuvered through the house, over the pieces of scrap metal and other tools. She glanced at Anbo and then disappeared into the dark garage. Anbo jumped off the couch, a bit too fast, for he fell face first into a large pile of pipes, sheet metal, and other anonymous things. He clumsily got up, and hurried to the garage. Cristi was working on the pods. she was putting up a large curtain around them, for what reason Anbo didn't know. He scurried towards Cristi and held up the large pole holding up the curtains for her. "What's done Cristi?" he asked while struggling to hold the pole straight up.11

Cristi shot a few screws through the bottom of the pole and stood up, towering over Anbo. "I found our Guinea Pig" she said, still smiling.12

"Guinea-" Anbo started, but he was abruptly cut off as a abnormally large amount of tools and such crashed to the floorin the living room, leaving the two speachless and stunned, stunned taht is by a somewhat unexpected visitor.

Author notes

This is a remake of one of the stories I had been working on for a while. It had the capability to be very good, but I hadn't done much with it. Now I plan on going back and remaking it all adn trying to bring out some of the new concepts I have bgan to learn... Hope you enjoy, and if there is anythign I can do, please tell me!

What parts werent right, or didn't seem to fit in the story? Any Ideas on how I can fix it? Typos? Tell me!

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have 0. (?) (Line numbers)
    Ratings:

Comments

  • Cam I like the redone version. I like how you brought out that Anbo is not to be trusted early on, but I did like the element of surprise about it in the other version. Both are good.
    Editing part. Yeah Skippy!!!
    First paragraph- Second line shouldn't needs the Apostrophe. when you say many many there should be a comma after the first many. Restuff should be hyphenated re-stuff, and un-capitalize the 'a' on An act.

    Third paragraph- Taht, that. There should be capitalized.

    Fifth paragraph- bcasue, because. Taht, that. And this sentence ... These *no comma* are but the current features as you should know them. *take out 'but' capitalize the 's'*
    Stay insured *no comma* there is much*,* much more to her story.

    Sixth paragraph- moved, trudging forward *forward not Foreward* Trudgingly isn't a word. Semicolon after weeks- ...for days, maybe even weeks; time... No apostrophe on ads. Teh, The.

    Seventh paragraph- mischeviously, mischievously.

    Eighth paragraph- Floorin, Floor in. Speachless, speechless. Taht, that.

    All in all I like this version better. I like this story. Keep it up. Sorry for the massive comment.
    Elli


  • DylanBranson
    August 25

    Edit | Reply
    very nicely done my friend. except for a few grammar issues, very nice indeed. im lookin forward to the revamped dreamscar. vary ur sentences a little more and itll b unstoppable. great job mate