More than this

“Really? You serious?”1

It was all I could think of to say in response to her absurd question. I mean, I’ve worked far too long to just give up and move with her to San Diego.2

“But you’re so stressed out and you need to get away from him for a while. I need a roommate that I know won’t cut me up in my sleep. It’s a win/win situation.”3

“You can’t be sure that I won’t cut you up in your sleep,” I replied with a smile.4

“Seriously, you need to get away from him. He won’t change and I….I just can’t….” Her voice faded off as she couldn’t come up with the right words.5

“He loves me. I just know it.” Even I didn’t completely believe the words.6

She reached up and took off my sunglasses. She looked deep into my eyes. I knew what she was trying to tell me. My right eye was surrounded by a bluish yellowish swirl. At least the swelling had gone down. Instinctively, I reached up to touch it and winced.7

“That was an accident.”8

“It always is. How many accidents do you have to have before it sinks in?” She wasn’t chastising me nor was she talking down to me. Nevertheless, I still stiffened and wanted to get defensive, but it seemed as though I had lost the energy.9

“Listen, I gotta get going. I have a paper to write and if I don’t clean up the living room he’ll get angry.” I tried to rise up out of the chair but I got a sharp pain in my side and had to sit back down.10

“What’s wrong? You ok?”11

Still wincing I said, “Oh yeah, I’m fine. I tripped on the coffee table and must’ve hurt myself more than I thought when I fell.”12

“You tripped on the coffee table? Really? Did you trip because he pushed you?”13

“Please don’t blame him, it really was my fault. I was running through the house and just wasn’t paying attention and I tripped.”14

I slowly raised myself out of the chair and gathered up by belongings. “I really need to go.”15

“Ok, but call me if you need anything.” At this she stood and grabbed my shoulders and looked me square in the eyes again. “Please consider moving with me. One day you’re gonna trip and not get back up again. You deserve more than this.”16

I put my sunglasses back on and flashed a sly smile and said, “No worries.” 17

As I drove home, I considered what my dear friend had said. I knew that what she said was right. One day he may go too far and really hurt me. But he loved me. I just knew it. Every time something happened, he apologized and he acted so lovingly. When he was in his make-up moods, I got the best sex ever. But even that wasn’t worth the black eyes and the broken ribs. I knew I should leave but I didn’t know how. He was all I had known for 5 years. I didn’t even have very many friends left. I was able to see this friend today because he thought I was at a study group. Insisting on the study group is what caused the disagreement that ended in me running from him and tripping over the coffee table. I landed on his footstool. He thought men would be at the study group. He said that I was only going to meet someone else so I could leave him. I knew I needed to leave.18

But how does one break a habit of returning for 5 years? Truth was I didn’t really know if I did deserve more. I had tried to leave him probably at least 10 times before but I always went back. I was too weak to stay away. Somehow he would always find where I was at and he would come looking for me. He would get on his knees and plead. He would cry and promise never to do it again. I always went back. I have never even tried to fight back.19

All this was going through my mind as I pulled into the driveway. 20

His truck was already there and I saw the flickering of the television through the curtain. He was home.21

I put on my best smile and opened the front door.22

“Hi, sweetie. How was your day today?”23

“My day was awful knowing that you were off slutting around with your college friends.”24

“Oh honey, don’t say things like that. I just had a study group. Statistics in a hard class and I suck at math, you know that.” I was trying to maintain my chipper attitude. 25

He rose out of the chair. “You trying to tell me what I know and what I don’t? You think I’m stupid or something?”26

As I turned around to open the closet door to put my bag down, I replied, “No honey, I just…”27

He stepped toward me and bellowed, “Don’t turn your back to me!!”28

As I turned back around I barely had time to register that he was right behind me when his fist hit the side of my head.29

I fell into the closet. My head hit something hard on the floor. It was a pile of his tools that he didn’t put back in his tool box.30

As he sauntered back to his chair he called out, “And make sure you clean this pig sty up. If you weren’t whoring around you’d have time to keep a decent house.”31

He plopped back into his chair with a thud.32

That thud made something inside me snap. I heard my friend’s voice in my head, “You deserve more than this.” I did deserve more than this.33

I deserve more than this.34

From the bottom of the closet I weakly said it. “I deserve more than this.”35

From the chair, “Stop your muttering!”36

It was that statement that sealed his fate. I stood up and took a wrench with me. “No. I deserve more than this.”37

He rose from his chair and said, “What did you say?”38

I eased myself out of the closet and slowly turned to look at him. Blood was dripping down the side of my face from a gash in my scalp.39

“I said I deserve more than this.”40

He was flabbergasted by this sudden turn of events. I had never stood up to him at all. Usually I just ran away for a while. This time I truly believed it, I deserved more than this.41

“What are you talking about? Clean up this mess before I get mad.”42

“No, I deserve more than this.”43

He flew at me. He speared me in the stomach with his head as he tackled me to the ground. I raised the wrench and smashed it into his back. He screamed and I hit him in his left arm, his striking arm. He rolled off of me and I scrambled up to my feet.44

“I DESERVE MORE THAN THIS!” I brought the wrench down on his head and he stopped moving. I brought the wrench down one more time on his left arm.45

Then I stood still.46

Breathing heavy.47

At first I thought I had killed him but that didn’t scare me. Then I saw him his back moving up and down ever so slightly as he kept breathing.48

“I deserve more than this.” I dropped the wrench and stepped over him to go upstairs. I rummaged through the bedroom closet till I found the duffel bag that I always packed when I tried to leave. Shoving clothes into it felt different this time. I did it with a sense of finality.49

When I went back downstairs, he had managed to roll over on his back but still wasn’t moving very much. I stepped over him to walk into the living room. He tried to grab my foot but I kicked him off. As I did so I managed to kick him in the face. I was rewarded with a grunt.50

I dropped the duffel bag on the floor next to his chair and reached in my pocket to take my cell phone out. As I dialed the number I sat down in his chair with a thud. 51

I smiled when I heard the thud.52

I looked at the floor as the phone rang. At some point he had dropped a cherry turnover. I glanced away forgetting about it the moment I did.53

After three rings, she picked up.54

“So, when we going to San Diego?”