March 13, 22001
12:002
Sarah watches as Marcus climbs into the 3'ft. deep hole that he had dug. He had planned this day carefully for three weeks. It was a perfect plan. The rubber tubing, food, and water was perfectly portioned for surviving three hours. 3
"Are you sure this is safe?" Sarah asked Marcus as he was lowering the lid on top of him. He had enough room to move. He was only 5'7", and the box itself was 6'0". He stuffed the food and water around him, and just before he closed the lid, he smiled up at her. He said through the stiffling box, "Don't worry. I have been planning this for weeks. I'm counting on you, Sarah. Don't let me down." She fit the rubber tubing through the hole in the lid. Then, she started shoveling dirt onto the coffin. Tears rolled down her face. She was having a bad feeling about this. When she was done, she wiped her face dry, and pressed her cheek against the layer of dirt. She could hear his voice, but it was muffled. He was laughing. "I love you Sarah. I'll never let you go." She sunk her hand deep into the dirt, and allowed tears to roll down her face. Her walky-talky was lying beside of her. "Go home, love. I'll see you in two hours."4
She drove home, all the while thinking about him. She made it home fine, but he was about to get into grave trouble.5
Marcus looked at his watch. One twenty-five. Why did it feel like time was going by so slow. It always felt faster when Sarah was around. He would call her back. She wouldn't call him a wuss or anything. He picked up the waky-talky, and said, "Sarah, can you please come back to the graveyard?" he heard shuffling above him. He stopped, and listened harder. It was footsteps. But there was another noise, like scraping. 6
Above ground, mass murderers were digging up the ground where Marcus lay. That night, they had robbed a house, and killed the only resident that was living there. They put down their shovels, and remembered they had not checked her for identity. They pulled a wallet out of her back pocket. Nothing. They threw the walky-talky lying beside of her onto the ground, and reached into her boots. An I.D. Sarah McDaniels. They stuffed the I.D. in the backpack, and grabbed an knife from one of their jacket breast pockets. They inserted the knife into the ground. It stopped. They relinquished the knife, and found blood. They looked at each other, and dug the rest of the way. 7
While they were digging, the force of the knife had gone through the box, and stabbed through the heart of Marcus McDaniels.
Author notes
It goes with the picture of the boy and girl because they are boy friend and girl friend.
- Anything Group group list • next in list
A contest entry
- Short Picture Prompt contest by Shimmerfairy.
240 points, ended November 11, 2008, 5 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Magick and Horror To Be Horrified By by Upon Deaths Meeting.
280 points, ended February 3, 7 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
so, what do you think?
Comments
1 - 18 of 18
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Hey I just read your piece and I thought it was good. Your way with dialogue is good as well. It flows naturally. The one thing I did notice is that you switch tenses
The beginning sentence "Sarah watches.." is in present tense but later in other sentences you switch.
"Are you sure this is safe?" Sarah asked ..." is in a different tense. This is a common problem that I know I had a hard time wrapping my head around too.
It didn't detract fomr the reading but normally you stay with one tense through out the readlanguage: 5, plot: 3, ending: 3, dialog: 5.
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Strange, but I like it
However, do you really need food for three hours underground?
Oh well, it was good
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Wow! It's a very scary story, thats for sure! You capptured my imagination on this one, Great write!
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This story left me a little confused and wanting more information..like
why was he being buried alive in the first place,
the connection between the murderers and the main characters,
Did the murderers know he was in the box?
Overall a good-flowing story.
Thanks for entering
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Ok. I saw a few things in here that bothered me. If he was only going to be in there for 3 hours, why did he need food & supplies?
Why was he doing this in the first place?
Really-why would she leave in the first place? She could've just told him she was leaving & then set in her car... which was what I would've done if I had been talked into this-somehow.
It would've also made more sense that the killers would've had her over the precise grave where her boyfriend was-as it is, WHY & HOW would they have known to bring her to the exact spot AFTER they killed her- and why would mass murderers bring her body to a grave yard?
You have the premise of a good story, but there are just too many gaps in here for my taste. Grab a shovel & fill in those holes & you'll have an on the edge of your seat tale. -
I'm a little confused by how the murderers arrived, how they knew to dig, and so forth. This would flow a lot better if you added conflict to it. Right now there's basically none. Things just kind of go from one event to the next. Nobody seems to make any meaningful decisions which might affect what happens -- it all seems extremely pre-ordained. Detail, too, and interaction and dialogue later in the story, would help a lot.
To me, this feels like a fragment rather than a story per se. A fragment with a whole lot of potential to be really awesome, though, don't get me wrong! It's just that you've only done the broader strokes, the outline sketches, to use an art metaphor. Fill in the details. Expand it. Always remember: show, not tell.
Good luck! I'd love to read an expanded, updated version of this.
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Nice!
A great piece of work and it's better because it was made just before Halloween!beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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cool i like this one too!!! very good, well done you no mistakes i can see, very nicely written, well keep it up. David
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Really good story. I found it nice and easy floowing> I think you could potientally do more with it, and add more excitement.
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Hmm.
Being buried alive seems like no fun to me even if just for three hours. You wouldn't really need anything but air.
This story was good, only I couldn't make the connection of how the mass murderers knew about Marcus. Did they hear him on the walkie talkie, and even if they did, how would they know where he was?
Anyway, I was puzzled about that.
Andy
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Nicely Done.
Very nicely Done.
Am impressed and I'm picky about what I read. I like creepy thing and this is good.
Ending was sudden and you could maybe build up tension a bit more, maybe giving it a longer ending would make the twist more '=O', but yeah, I liked it. -
good
I think you are a good writer
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hey there
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nice.. were well written.. the ending was a bit sudden and i didnt quite get wt happend actually :s.. but u have a potential of being a gr8 writter one day.. so dont stop writing. i really enjoyed this short story
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I liked it! Quite creepy. Nicely done.
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This was superb! It was very well written and nicely portrayed in a simple, smooth way. Here are my complaints before I go into the good stuff:
'He said through the stiffling box' I'm not entirely sure what stiffling is? It may be a word i've not come across, or maybe you meant 'stifling?'
'Don't let me down.' Should have a paragraph after it.
'he heard shuffling above him' should be 'He heard shuffling above him'
Good stuff: Your dialog is smooth and steady, as well as fluent and easy to read. The story flows quickly and holds the readers interest as soon as they begin. I also like the title a lot. This is a very well done and nicely portrayed. Especially the last part. Very good indeed. Keep it up! I found this excellent and captivating. XD! Great job! -
ffhgfgh
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I wasn't qujite sure what happened at the end. This is a really exciting piece though, and you describe everything very well. Well done, and keep writing, this is a very good idea.
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