Gone Crazy Be Back Soon Part Fifty

Family meetings 1

Were the worst
It was in the second family torture session
That they once again started throwing around
That Borderline Personality Disorder diagnosis2

Borderline Personality Disorder
Those three words stung like acid rain
And burned like fire
Those words meant one thing
They meant no one was going to help me
With the real underlying issues3

I tried not to cry
I tried to stay stoic and strong
I tried to pretend
My insides weren’t being torn apart4

My parents sat there agreeing with the social worker
I felt like the three of them were ganging up on me5

The third family meeting6

Occurred a week and a half into my hospitalization
It was in this meeting that the topic of residential treatment
Was once again brought up with my parents7

Because I was no longer taking my medication
The voices had been fairly silent
Normally the silence was a good thing
It meant I could be my own person
But after the social worker brought up residential
The silence in the room was both deafening and suffocating
I could barely breathe the silence was so thick
My heart felt like it had taken a break from beating
The idea of residential terrified me
It meant being away from my parents
Who I loved and needed so deeply it hurt
It meant more angry staff and unforgiving rules
It meant more accusations and punishments called consequences8

Finally I dredged up the courage to look up from the floor
Into the eyes of my parents
Both my parent’s eyes were moist
The silence stretched on
Finally my mom spoke9

“I don’t think residential treatment is the best course of action for Cassie at the moment.”10

Dad nodded in agreement
I saw a single tear drip down his cheek11

All I wanted at that moment
Was to hug both my parents
And never let go12

The social worker nodded
And the topic of residential wasn’t brought up again
For the rest of my time at Bailey Hill Hospital13

After I had gained eight pounds14

The doctors’ and nurses decided
That my weight was out of the danger zone
While I was still considerably underweight
They felt I could continue working on healthy eating
On an outpatient basis15

They decided my behavior had improved
And my depression seemed to have lessoned
They still continued to pick on me
For not displaying more age appropriate behavior
But they were satisfied for the most part
And began discussing discharge plans16

On the day of my discharge17

I was woken up like normal at six AM
I wiped the sleep from my eyes and walked to the bathroom
To pee in my millionth pee cup
Then I followed the nurse down the hall
To the scale behind the nurses’ station18

It registered seventy eight pounds
I cringed and gritted my teeth as I reassured myself
That I could lose the weight just as quickly as I t had appeared19

Later that morning I lined up
With the other eating disordered girl
And we got our blood pressure checked
With the child sized blood pressure cuff
I know we were both thrilled
That we still needed the child size in our teenage years20

It was only a few minutes later that my dad came in
To bring me home
I was only going to be home for one night
Because our family was planning on vacationing in Israel
For six weeks of the summer21

We had forgotten to tell the hospital about our vacation plans22

During the discharge meeting
Right before dad signed the paperwork
He mentioned needing six weeks worth of prescriptions23

The doctor stopped
Looked at me
Then looked at dad24

“She can not be out of a doctor’s care for six whole weeks.”25

Dr. Knowlen told my dad26

“She’s still in a fragile condition and needs to be closely monitored.”27

Dad shook his head28

“She really wants to go. I think it will be good for her to get a break from everything. We can call her psychiatrist at home if there’s any problems.”29

Dr. Knowlen and dad discussed this for a while longer
I was so scared that they weren’t going to let me go30

Finally dad said that he was going to sue them if I wasn’t discharged
Dr. Knowlen sighed and told dad he could sign me out against medical advice
If that’s what he really wanted to do31

Dad picked up the pen and signed the paper
For probably the first time
In my whole stay at Bailey Hill Hospital
I smiled and waltzed out the door with my hand
In dad’s tight and protective grip32