Emerald Beach

1

Samantha stood with her arms spread out on one of the huge black rocks that dotted the coastline, welcoming the fresh breeze of air. I rolled my eyes.2

3

"Will you get down from there?" I asked, annoyed. "I'm trying to do some research over here!"4

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"Sorry, Miss Researcher," she said, stepping down. "Anyways, it's such a stupid waste of time on your part. I can't believe I'm missing lectures to find some twelve thousand-year old creature that couldn't care less about us."6

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"Oh just imagine the fame we can get when we catch it!" I said, my eyes suddenly dreamy.8

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"God, you sound like one of those mad people in the movies."10

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"Okay, so if not fame, at least imagine the thrill! It's not everyday you get to see it. The last sighting was like, three hundred years ago. It's a pattern, Sam. It appears every three hundred years and then it goes away."12

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"So why did you bring me over here?" she asked.14

15

"Nothing. Just companionship," I said grinning. It was one of my favorite hobbies to annoy Sam. She'd been my best friend since kindergarten, and was pretty much used to tagging along wherever I went.16

17

My latest adventure was to find an ancient sea serpent. Now look, I don't believe in creatures like that. It's just that, well, who wants to listen to annoying lectures when you can go to the beach and have fun while combing it for some age-old monster? I'd actually gotten permission from my proffesor to go! Now how cool is that?18

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I sat on the rocks and took a deep breath of air, peering out into the sea with my binoculars. There was absolutely no sign of anything. I could see that Sam was getting bored, and was about to drag me to college any moment. So I decided to explore the northern part of the beach-Emerald Beach.20

21

Once, three hundred years ago, a giant serpent had coiled up there and decided to take a little nap. While it certainly got rest, half of the island went into a frenzy. It looked like the whole northern part of the beach was dotted with emeralds.  Of course, I wasn't going to walk right up to the serpent, but I hoped to take some pictures.22

23

The whole beach was deserted. Earlier, there was this huge crowd of tourists that was walking around for a glimpse of the monster. They soon got bored. Me and Sam remained. I wasn't going to let anything come between me and the fame I was sure to get when I managed to bring evidence of its existence.24

25

We walked up the beach, to the giant caves that had been carved out of the cliffs by weathering. It was afternoon, and the sun was boiling. The sea was an unusual shade of sparkling blue. Sam and I decided to take a little rest in one of the caves. We curled up on the sand. Just as we were about to go to school, Sam asked, "Suze?"26

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"Yeah."28

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"What if when we wake up we find its face staring at us?"30

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"Don't be silly Sam. Everything's just gonna be fine, okay?"32

33

Sam nodded her head. I lightly shivered. Something in my mind was telling me to make a run for it. I stared at the top of the cave. I was feeling scared now. Had it been a good decision for two puny humans to go to a beach where there is a possibility of an enormous monster gobbling us down? I guess not. But then, I had all the equipment-nets, ropes, tranqulizers.34

35

I thought about my parents' reactions when I told them about what I was planning to do. They had laughed and said that such creatures didn't exist. My grandmom had been more superstitious. She had warned me about it. But ever since I had been a kid, it had been my ambition to catch it. I had heard enough local legends about it to make my head spin. I wanted to study it, and even catch more, if they existed. I was often called a freak for my obsession with Loch Ness-monster-like creatures, but I never minded it much.36

37

I woke up disoriented and alone. There was a note next to me from Sam saying that she had chickened out and didn't want to be there. I moaned. Great, just great. I decided to search the beach for the creature one last time. 38

39

It was dusk then. The sun was barely visible. The waters of the sea had turned green-grey. The waves were rising and crashing upon the beach. I shuddered. If I had slept any longer, the water might have filled the cave, and I could have drowned. I walked along, dragging my equipment along with me and silently cursing Sam.I looked at the houses along the beach. They seemed stangely...abandoned. The lights were switched off. There were no noises. It was as if they had decamped with their belongings. I stared at the sea. And then suddenly, five hundred yards away, I spotted the movement.40

41

Even though I was at a fairly large distance, I began running. The waves were steadily rising, and the water was turning greener. It soon became a strip of emerald. I quickly noticed its gills. I shot the tranquilizers, and like darts, they pierced its body. I quickly grabbed a rope and caught it around the head, and tugged.42

43

With a great roar, the water rose to a terrifying height. It shielded that monster from my view, though there was a dazzling show of emerald. It howled and crashed down into the sea. It was struggling against the effect of the tranqulizers.I shot another one. It let out a great, ripping noise that half-awed, half-terrifed me. And then suddenly, it broke free of the ropes altogether, andd advanced.44

45

Dropping everything, I ran slowly, trying to escape from it. It speeded through the water like a knife cutting a fruit. I tried to run up the beach, but the great waves seemed to pull me in. Slipping on the beach, I screamed, but in vain.  A great tail lashed out at me. I narrowly dodged it. Then the monster charged at me, its terrifying green eyes boring deep into mine with a sad, almost human look that seemed to ask, "Why did you try to hurt me?" "Sorry!" I screamed, my legs paralysed. "Leave me! I won't ever trouble you again!" I folded my hands and knelt down in front of it. Its tail gently passed over my head, and with a soft howl of peace, it sank down into the sea.46

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                                               *48

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The next day, I visited the beach again. It was sparkling, just like someone had sprinkled emeralds over it. 50

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54

A contest entry

Some things should never be messed with.

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    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
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Comments

1 - 18 of 18

  • Violette silver member
    April 21

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    Lolz. Not the best thing to say when asking for comments.

    Hmm definately not for the faint hearted. Rather a gory vibe in some plaaces-mild, but still enough to make me cringe. Then again, I'm a ttl woose.
    Great plot concept-I loved the last line you left us with- a spectacular ending to be sure. I thoroughly enjoyed this. Goodluck in my contest.


  • beezy92
    January 2

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    Okay in my most recent contest, I had quite a bit of problems with DQ-ing people for horror. I would remove an entry from the contest, only to find out that the piece was mis-labeled as horror. So here is my definition of horror: a gory, descriptive account of death, torture, abuse, or pertaining to demons or witchcraft or anything to do with the occult.

    Does your story qualify? If so, please remove it from the contest and enter something else. If not, let me know, because I won't be reading it until I hear from you.


  • tonialoise
    December 11, 2008

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    I liked this and it was well written.

    But from my contest point of view I don't think this is really a kid's story, at least not a little kid that you want to read at bedtime. The beginning and middle was a bit slow for little kids I think. And some parts like the following, I think would be a little much for them.

    "I shot the tranquilizers, and like darts, they pierced its body. I quickly grabbed a rope and caught it around the head, and tugged." Ahhh... poor thing. Thought she was just going to take pictures and not take it out of its environment

    I was hoping to see more interaction between the Ness creature and Suze with all the setup you did for it. Or a bit longer in the adventure part of it.

    Now other than that, I enjoyed it.


  • nehvaeh
    December 3, 2008

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    Personally I loved it. I have always had a feel for the supernatural, you know things that don't really exist or people just don't have proof of it yet. Excellent story btw.


  • poetry is soul
    November 29, 2008

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    i believe there is a such thing as the loch ness monster, so that totally gives you props. i really liked this, a lot. it would be really cool if it were expanded, like if her and the serpent became kind of connected or something... hmmm. idk. but it was good, and i liked it. great job!


  • Peachy
    November 22, 2008

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    Hmmmmm.....
    Interesting! I've never heard of the Loch Ness monster being merciful but this was awesome! The emeralds things was a brilliant touch and I could really see it.
    Great Write!


  • amanda vampiress silver member
    November 16, 2008

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    Cool! I like you description of the sea serpent. All of your descriptons for that matter were very well written, I could clearly picture everything within the story. I also enjoyed the casual, yet humor filled banter between the two girls. The plot was good, but it seemed slightly rushed in parts, though it did not halt the flow of the story. Thank you for entering my contest and good luck!

  • Elegant Inspirer
    November 3, 2008

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    I liked it. It seemed a little rushed when she met the monster but thats okay.
    I really really did like it.
    Thanks for entering.

    Elli


  • Scott Chason
    October 30, 2008

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    well let me refrase, your writing is very descriptive, but i dont get enough from the chartacter as far as emotion goes


  • Scott Chason
    October 30, 2008
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    the problem i had with this is that the story was too dry. really was no beef to it


  • Robin Omallia
    October 29, 2008

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    That was a really cool story. I really enjoyed it.
    Good fantasy. I really liked the way you went about it, building it up and all that.
    Thanks for entering my contest.


  • Cupcake14
    October 2, 2008
    Edit | Reply

    For the contest

    Irish Ducttape. I read the rules.


  • Valkyrie silver member
    September 8, 2008

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    Ooh, sea serpents! I love sea serpents. Well, the idea of them anyway.
    I really liked the starting section; it set the scene really well. Sam seemed very realistic, and the interaction between the two of them was great.
    In P2627 you said they were about to go to school, and then they fall asleep...I wasn't sure if they were actually planning to return to school, or if you meant "sleep" instead of "school", hee hee.
    The emeralds in the descriptions of the beach and the serpent held a nice continuity. I wasn't sure where the break in time happened in P2223; the first part is 300 years back, but by the end of the paragraph, it's current time. Was the beach covered with emeralds then, or at the moment your heroine was looking at it? I'm guessing the former, because it happens again after the serpent's visit, but maybe you could clarify that paragraph some, make it two different paragraphs, something.
    I'm also not sure if there were real emeralds that fell off the serpent onto the beach, or what exactly happened with the emeralds on the beach; were they real? Green scales? You didn't really describe the creature at all, except to say it had a head and gills and was emerald-y in some way. I'd love to know how you see it, so I can see it too.
    Ooh, and the soft howl of peace. That was such a neat description. Like it's so big even its soft, peaceful sounds are howls. Awesome.
    Thanks for entering your story in my contest. Good luck.


  • Andy Stephenson gold member
    August 31, 2008

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    Very Good Story.

    p8 dreamy eyes - something that would be observed by someone besides the narrator.

    p18 (professor)

    I was sort of hoping that the serpent would eat somebody, but it was a good story anyway. Left me thinking someone might get eaten right up to the end. However, I didn't notice how this relates to the contest prompts.

    Thanks for entering the New Member contest. Welcome to Storywrite.

    Andy


  • IrishYndina Greeters member
    August 30, 2008

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    I like the idea of a seaserpent that leaves glittering jewels in it's wake. Are they supposed to be emerald colored scales or something? Or real emeralds? Just curious.

    The beginning of this is wonderful - I like the way it starts, with a bit of friendly bickering and some ocean air. The concept was similarly engaging - a college student who wants to hunt legendary monsters, and actually tries it. I have to say, though, that the ending seemed a little bit rushed. Granted, action scenes are meant to move faster, but they're supposed to move faster without losing any details. I think you could spend a little more time on the interaction between Suze and the seaserpent - that is the point of the whole story, after all, right?

    Anyways, this was an enjoyable and light read. I really liked the very last line of this, too. And thanks for following the prompts for the contest. Best of luck to you in the contest, and welcome to Storywrite!


  • SageSyren Greeters member
    August 30, 2008

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    I agree with geri and tallblondie. I liked your story, but it felt rushed and it bounced around. More descriptions is really needed.
    Thanks for entering the contest and good luck.
    Brooke
    greeter


  • gerifitzsimmons Greeters member
    August 24, 2008

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    Good A. M. and thanks for joining SW; and sharing this clever adaptation of the ancient tale of the Sea serpent with us.

    You work very well with words and add that hint of humor, which gives reality to a story .

    The beginning with the two young women sounded very life-like, I could visualize them and their antics. It was fun watching them interact but I could sense something sinister in the wings.
    That rather uneasy feeling kept me reading .

    Of course things went from bad to worse as happens in Fantasy. But then they proceeded towards a lovely conclusion.

    You do have a nice story here—it could perhaps benefit from a bit of writer’s patience . Slow down just a little and spend some time describing your characters' actions more. I did find myself rereading scenes to get the full impact of the activity.

    We have several groups here where you will find help and interesting comments on your work—do join a few and good luck in the contest.

    Geri


  • tallblondie gold member
    August 23, 2008

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    Interesting story. The concept was well developed, especially the 'legend' part of it - the sea serpent that would come to the beach and leave a glittering trail of jewels. However, some of your sequencing 'jumps' around - I found the story hard to follow in places. I also had difficulty identifying with the characters or even imagining them - perhaps you could add some more descriptions?

    Overall, an enjoyable read. Keep writing and welcome to Storywrite!

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