Ingrates - Ch. 3 - Higher Powers

Chapter Three - Higher Powers1

Dear Diary,2

Hi. hey. Its Devin. I am drunk.3

I drank about a half a handle and I am waste.d Wasty Faceted. I hae the taste of vodkca but getting drunk is better than anythign else. Weed makes me scared and i dont like talking to people when i do it its better when i do it just by myself but it still makes me scared like everything will never be better again and ill never feel happy. i fell like that anyway when im sober but yeah. fI dont get why people drink just for fun. Alcohol tastse like shit and makes me throw up after a while. . I guess i have a hi tolerance or whatever cuz it takes me lots a lot of alcohol to get me drink. Why would you cjust drink but not drink a lot so you dxont get drunk all the way? 4

Heavin Hill Vodka is the worst vodka everb btu its gcheap. Heavnev Heaven hill. Heaven Hillllllllll Vodddka. Heaven and Hell Vodka.5

I drank a lot so i wouldnt go to sleep. Bening drunk makes everybod else pass out but it doesnt make me and i dont know why. I dont wanted to go a sleep because i was earlier and it was really scary and i havent stopped crying since6

I shot up herion heroine heorin for the first time today. Morgan did it for me because i was scared and i still dont know how to do it for myself even though she showede me aw hile ago. its easy but i dont know how to do it and im a pussy she made fun of my for not doing it but i kind of like it that she does it for me. She holds my arm and gets up right next to me whn she does ti, Her face is she looks at me and i like the way she looks when she ddoes it7

I am sorry about that i had to puke. My room smells klike puke but i dont care. I get sick all the time and my parents are used to it and now i wont hace to go to school tomorrow not that i was going to aynway but yeah.8

she shot me up and i dintd really feel it. I guess it was because ive been sntorting it for a few weeks but i dont really know about all that stuff like tolerance or whatevs. she only gave me half a bag and Sandy saw,, she was laugihng. She said Karen Jackson does three bags at a time and at least two times a day i think he can handel Heaven Hill fOdka handle more than haf a bag. 9

Morgan laughed and she gave me a ful lbag. I guess that did it because it felt like my blood was on fire It felt really really really fucking good and like We Were Smiling At God and god was smiling back10

i never felt aynthing like that before so i said to Sandy I Get What THe Velvet Undergorund Was Talking About and she laughed her head off but i was serios. That song of theres is called heroin off that album all the hipster kids have the one with that bannannna that Alex Metz drew on his Vans and thinks makes him so cool. But yeah so the song goes ;Its My Wife,,>And Its My Life Heehaaah" and thats what it feels like. i ve never been addicted to anything ever not alcohlo not weed but those arent real drugs anyway. Coke is cool but i wasnt addicted and meth and x and all that . But right when Morgan shot through the heart and shes to blame i felt like i never wanted to not do heroin ever again11

sandy did herself and shot two bags and we went outside to smoke It was like i never smoked a cigarette before. Thats dumb cuz ive been smoking since i was fourteen but it was like i never felt it before. eroin doesnt make you high but it makes you just feel feel feel evertyhign. I felt everything and it felt so much better and i felt like i was gonna cum right in my pants it felt so good.12

it made me think of the first itme me and dee fucked because i remember thinking while we fucked that i cant imagine what life was like before we fucked. bec ause it felt like nothing i ever felt before and like my life hadnt really started until then Heroine is like that. its exaclty like that13

morgan drove me home like a n hour later and i dunno how she did it. SHe drove fine and i know cuz i watched the spedomotor the hole time and she stayed the speed limit I would have shit my pants if i had to drive high on dope. my parents were already asleep thank god ITS A WORK DAY14

i went to bed and i was still really high We Bought a bundle each yesterday from ghost so i still had like 6 bags left. I snorted another bag and went rigt to slepe15

i dreamt that me and morgan and dee went to the mall. mrogan drove liek she always does. We went to the entrance of the mall and where smoking at it. I jumped on morgans back and she fell down but we were all laughing morgan and dee and me. THen these punk chicks came up and were smoking next to us They saw me jump on morgans back and us fall down and i was embarassed but i went to talk to them anyway16

I was flirting iwth one of them and it went was going good which makes you know itw as a dream since i never flirt good and girls never like me. Then Morgan said her nose was bleeding so her and dee went to the bathroom and didnt come back.17

SO i dont remember what happened next but thats what dreams are like anyway. At least for me anyway. Like i remember most of them but even when its a story or whatever there are little bits that are missing. Next thing i remmeber i was in the library of our high school but it wasnt like the library usually is, it was, like a Borders or Barns And Noble. THERE WAS A NOTHR GIRL AND I STARTED FLIRTING WITH HER TO sorry my caps key was on and i puked again cuz i took another shot. i wish i had a chaser but my mom kept asking me why i had like, a million empty pepsi cans in my bedroom, like, i cant drink 5 pepsi cans in one night, so i stopped stealing the soda for my chasers.18

So me and this other girl we started looking for some place to fuck. We went outside the library and to the grounads of the school, and we started fucking behind some bushes. Then i realised it was a whore that she wanted me to pay her, and that she wasnt fucking sbe because i got her to like me. But then i realised the police were after us, so we started running19

And it was really weird because in my dream i saw a little timer in the bottom right corner counting down. I didnt know what it was counting to but i knew that if me and this girl didnt get someplace safe something bad would happen We kept running around the grounds of the school and people were everywhere but they were just laughing at us. And then the timer hit zero and i heard this really deep evil voice laughing. The ground started to fall away, like, little tiles one at a time, and the whole world fell away and i fell down into it and everything went black.20

I woke up and i was in this little room, with this women i never saw before in front of me. I tried to move but i was tide up. she looked at me and told me i was in hell. then she started to torture mea and i could feel it i could feel every thing tshe where doing to me and 21

h22

and she was laughing. and she asked me if i knew why i was in hell and i said yes. I am not a good person and i always new i was going to hell.23

Then i was on this bi g road and it was outside this thing kidn of like a coliseum. Morgan was next to me and she was smoking. i asked her if she was scared and she said why would i be scared i always knew where iw aws going when i died?24

we started walking around and everyone we knew was there was in hell with us. It got night time and we started walking down this road and i realized it was my road, the one my house is on. We were having fun and i remember thinking this is weird, were in hell, we cant ever have fun in hell25

and then these guys came up to us and one punched me in the face and another one took morgan away. i couldnt seew she hwere where she was going and the other guys pinned me down. they started raping me and i could feel it and i was yelling out but it doesnt matter because thats what happens to you in hell.26

I woke up and thats hwen i stole the vodka from the cabinet. I do it every all the time and drink all the bottles and the scotchs too but i have my friend Colins OldEr brother buy me new ones so i can replace them. I cant stop crying and ive never felt more afraid in my life but ikeep snorting bags of heroin every half hour and it feels fucking amazing. I thinkif i didnt have a bundle iwth me right now id kill mysefl. ive never thoguht that before i mean ive thought of suicide to make everything i feel go away but im too pussy too ever do it. but i think that i would tonight.27

but anyway i realised tonight that im going to hell28