My life changed forever on July 5th, 2002. I realize and understand and comprehend that my aunt was murdered on July 4th, but that day I was at a barbeque very much like she was, surrounded by friends and family and having a good time. On July 5th 2002, all I knew was that our trip to South Carolina, scheduled the following week was cancelled. When I learned this, I became angry. I went down stairs, pissed and demanding a good reason as to why until I saw my Mothers’ face. I asked what was wrong and she didn’t say a word to me. My Daddy then told me that my Aunt died the night before, my Aunt Diane had passed away. 1
The best way to describe how I felt after this is helpless and numb. I needed something to do when there was nothing to do, so I learned something about myself. I don’t take care of me, I take care of everyone else. 2
The condolences started to arrive I threw on a smile and made coffee, and pancakes, and eggs (with and without cheese) mashed potatoes, toast, macaroni and cheese and everything else I could find. Then I started making plates for all those who were at my house. When there was no one left to serve (I had forgotten to eat) I started washing dishes. When the dishes were done, I just stood there, unsure of what to do from then on. 3
I didn’t cry over my aunt, and I didn’t cry at the funeral. I didn’t cry for the trip and I didn’t cry when we drove past her house in Mississippi. I cried when I saw my Mom laying face first on the floor, screaming at the top of her lungs because her sister was killed, murdered. I didn’t cry for my mom until two months later, and then it was every mention of my aunt that I cried as well. Before that, I was afraid that if I let go and showed my real emotions my Mom would let it out too, and I didn’t know if I could recover if she did again. 4
My Aunts death was my first reality check. I was in control of my life until that point, until my Mom was in pain and I couldn’t help her in anyway, I was in control. And I’ll never forget that feeing. In that situation, I’m still helpless and numb.5
Author notes
Rest in Peace, Aunt Diane.
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this is so powerful i wish i knew what to say. Great write hunni.
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my uncle, he got 20 years... if anyone was interested how the case turned out.
Shaye
thanx for all your comments -
..I dont know what to say, Shaye I'm sorry, I cannot say I know how you feel but I can give you my deepest sympathies, life is strange though. Things happen for some reason or another I belive, if we just keep on living, things will get better, but only if we make them, do you still take trips to SC? If so I could meet you, that'd be cool, well ttyl, bye
Kyle -
Wow, this is so terribly moving and sad as well. You used such good description and pain in this... I can see why you as well were on amicus's girl genious list. Keep writing!
*Kate* -
Pain does run deep and sometimes we just don't let it out until later. My dad was killed in a car wreck, it hurts very much to lose someone you love, I know. This is an excellent write. Very well written, very emotional. God Bless....
~sweetgurl -
Sometimes, pain goes so deep as to be an echo...my deepest sympathies for you and yours. ~~~Val
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wow....oh shaye. thats horrible. i know wut its like to lose someone u've known all ur life, but murder......omg. my uncle died of natural causes, but ur aunt was killed. there's no comparison, at all. i'm so sorry to hear that.....i wuv u, shaye!
My Wuv and Condolences Alw@ys,
-Sam
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Wow. That really was so good. I agree with amicus, that the part about the eggs and pancakes, its like doing stuff to keep your mind off things (it also showed how you took care of everyone but yourself). Hey, it's all about growing experiences, when u think about it. And sometimes the growing experiences come most from pain. So, keep ur head up girlee, we all still luv ya!!
Abby
"babs" -
Thanks so much everyone for taking the time to read this. i feel that for the most part, im okay now. it just seems that everytime i am ok, something of epic porportions hits me and takes over, like this situation. and even though this situaiton has changed me for the best, it still hurts. thanx.
Shaye -
thank you for sharing this. though many of us could never understand the pain this has caused you we can still hope for brither days in your world. When there is a time in the world that this will not happen i hope for you to lead the crowd. so younge and so strong. keep your head up and smile. and like tupac shakur you to may grow a rose in the concreet. im here if you need to talk.
=Dizzy
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