Sweet Candy

She silently moved her hands across the wall. Job finished. 1

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* 3

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A year earlier, she had been the happiest person in the world. She had met him while working at the candy shop. He had been so good-looking, like he was her own angel. She had dearly wanted to caress that face, but she had simply waited for him to come. 5

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"May I help you sir?Which candy would you prefer?" 7

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"The sweetest one ever." he had said, grinning. 9

10

She'd already been going steady, but she didn't mind leaving her boyfriend for him. She remembered the first date vividly. His blue eyes had swept over her face in a way she still cherished. She remembered the screams of her parents when they found out whom he was. She had silenced them in a few minutes. She still remembered the horror in their eyes when she had gently moved the silver blade against their cheeks. 11

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The second date had been better. She was at the worst point of her life, drinking like crazy. It had only been when he had so lovingly asked her to stop it that she had given it up. Who wanted the poisonous fruit of temptation when she already had a non-poisonous one. His blond hair reminded her of cornstalks in a field. It only made her love him more, the way he was so sweet and caring. 13

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She had been warned by the candy shop owner that her little romance was coming in the way of her work, and she would get fired if she did not leave it. But his sweet words quickly entranced her. "Erica...don't" was all he needed to say. She had promptly whipped out her blade. She remembered moving the blade against his throat. The candy shop owner tried to warn her about him, but he was soon cut short. Alas! She should have listened. But lets move on. 15

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She had begged him for marriage. His eyes had filled with tears, and he had gently taken her hands into his own and told her that this was unfair, that his parents would never allow it. She reminded him of the way she silenced her parents. There was a small glimmer of fear in his eyes that was hidden by the soft brown that made her melt into the ground.Suddenly she began hearing the rumours. He was going around with Kathleen, a rich girl who was the daughter of his father's business partner. He assured her that they would run away. But when? she asked. Soon, he assured, soon. She blindly believed him, thinking about getting rid of his cruel parents who had pressured him. 17

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Disguised as a saleswoman from the candy shop, she gained entry into his house. Over there, her anger took control of her. Every ounce of her body shook as she ripped them apart. She had no idea of what she was doing. She was hurt, and she did not like it. As she walked out, her bloodlust fulfilled, she saw him kissing Kathleen under the tree, under their tree. She silently confronted him after Kathleen left. He finally admitted the truth-she was nothing but a routine girlfriend. Kathleen was the real thing-rich, beautiful and sassy. She would never be mousy and submissive like her. 19

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She was scared now. She had committed several crimes by now.She might be in trouble. She first blamed Kathleen for causing the rift between them. But she then decided, that even if Kathleen had stolen him, she did not deserve to be cheated. She decided to help Kathleen. She decided to silence him. 21

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* 23

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She had silenced him too. Standing in the storeroom, she had secretly buried him within the walls. As she washed the cement off her hands, the door opened. Her newest victim. She would not let there be any Ericas or Kathleens in the world. 25

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"May, I help you sir?" she asked sweetly. "Which candy would you prefer?" 27

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"The sweetest candy ever" 29

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" You shall have it then," she thought maliciously as she handed over the poisoned candy to him. 31

Author notes

This was about high school sweethearts.

A contest entry

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    : Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have 0. (?) (Line numbers)
    Ratings:

Comments

1 - 30 of 30
  • Cavalier gold member
    April 28

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    I guess it intented to be a bit vague, but in my opnion it moved on a little too fast here and there.

    Other than that I thought it a rather good story.

    Thank you for entering and good luck in the contest.


  • Keirii
    March 13
    Edit | Reply
    This is really good.
    You made the finals!!!


  • Memoirs of a Girl
    December 16, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Please place your option number in your AN.


  • LiveLoveJabberwocky
    December 15, 2008

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    Finally got around to reading this LOL. anyway it was awesome....although it was kinda creepy. but I've been reading Stephen King so I'm used to it. yeah it was very good, I'll definitely need to read some more of your work.


  • On.Cue
    December 13, 2008

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    It didn't exactly fit in with what I wanted (I'm assuming the cheating option) but, nevertheless, good write.


  • crosscountry07 gold member
    December 9, 2008

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    That is so sadistic, but well written. Kinda seems reminiscent of Edgar Allen Poe's Black Cat, but only in the fact that the lover get's walled up. And it also seems just very Poe-ish. But hey, I like Poe so that's a good thing. -Liz


  • MetroHollywoodTeen
    December 4, 2008
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    NIce. I loved it.
    Please put the option in the An please!


  • Misguided Mess.
    November 29, 2008

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    Ummm, I don't know the song or if there even was one to this.
    Is this the Alanis Morisette person?
    If so, I don't see how this relates to You Oughta Kno at all.
    I don't mean to seem nasty because this is a great piece of work. I just don't see how it fits my contest.

    Thank You for entering anyway.

    • Cupcake14
      November 30, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      I'm sorry if you didn't see how it related. I'll remove it from the contest. Best of luck with judging it anyways.


  • StarOfDreams23
    November 27, 2008

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    Wow this is great!!! This would be my bff! It would be like her to do that!!! ^w^ lol Great write

  • Lady Michaella
    November 27, 2008

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    oo, this is twised. A simply BRILLIANT ending, it was amazing in every way. I am shaking from this story! this is very creative and i love it lots.
    xx


  • Someday Hero. gold member
    November 22, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Very twisted...and lovely. I don't know if this is exactly what I was looking for..


  • crystalsycamore2
    November 18, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Interesting, that's for sure. Makes me wonder why she started killing people in the first place... Twisted, and I liked it. Good job!

  • NightVixen
    November 10, 2008

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    I like this story and its overall ending. I like the build up and the fact she will not stop. Very well crafted tale.


  • Atticus Unanimous
    November 1, 2008

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    If I only had a word for this piece it would be interesting. Reminds me a lot of Sweeney Todd, actually. I thought the piece was a nice little revenge story but far too much of mirror of many other revenge stories I've read or watched. I also thought the sentence structures were not varied so the writing itself sounded too simple so it didn't complement the potential greatness of this story. If you revise some of the grammatical and spelling errors and work on the structure of it you'll have something wonderful.


  • RxxSpiritWolfxxJ
    October 18, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Insane lover!
    Haha -- nice buildup there ... It had me interested, looking for the reason why she was killing everyone else - was he THAT hot? And I noticed you never mentioned exactly what he was and why her parents screamed ..
    Nice ending, too.

    RJ


  • UnicornGargoyle
    September 30, 2008

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    It's an interesting story, I think you could have taken it a little farther, but I liked it Good job.


  • Prodigious.Mirth
    September 27, 2008

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    OOOOHHHHH THE BUILD UP TO THIS WAS BRILLIANT.^.^ I want more..I want the candy !!! ( no poison) I really enjoyed this both in the contest and out of the contest =] I think reading it further had a lot more impact on the intial storyline.
    Revenge is sweet: But candy is sweeter =]

    GOOD LUCK
    Temaria - Blair


  • Melancholic Smile
    September 22, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    A good write - I enjoyed reading this. I like the way you took an everyday sad situation of being in love and betrayed and added these twists to it. Thanks for entering my contest with this story and good luck


  • Kagamine Rin
    September 15, 2008

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    Pure genius, and beautiful. I loved it. The whole "Lover betrayal" thing really got to me. You did an outstanding job and I loved it!

    I didn't catch any grammar or spelling mistakes. That's good! :3

    I wish you luck in my contest!


  • Oddems.
    September 6, 2008
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    Second time reading this and I still like it. The way she thought was twisted, yet added that sense of 'doing bad things for good reasons' type thought. Your writing was well done and there was only a few errors that a proofread could take care of. Wonderful job and good luck.

    PR


  • trekkergirl
    August 30, 2008
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    please write something that fits a drabble or I will DQ this. Thanks


  • trekkergirl
    August 30, 2008
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    Sorry but this is not a drabble. A drabble is only 100 words. Which this is more than.


  • Reaver Greeters member
    August 23, 2008

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    great story of revenge and love gone wrong. And crazy Great job. Thanks for entering. I enjoyed reading!

  • Cupcake14
    August 22, 2008
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    sorry for the typos

    i am really sorry for the typos! i was in a sort of hurry to write this, coz the electricity's been going on and off, and i didn't want the computer to suddenly turn off before I had saved my story.


  • Thorn-on-the-Rose
    August 22, 2008
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    Well, this was good, very interesting. I like it.

    But I noticed in paragraph 12 you wrote, 'She'd already being going steady' I don't no if you meant, 'She'd already been going steady.' or, 'She already was going steady.' either one would fit better.

    But other than that, great job and keep writing, this was interesting, and a little dark, I like that, good job.


  • IrishYndina Greeters member
    August 22, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Actually, I think the candy shop provides a unique contrast to the sour relationship and her bitter outlook. She's a bit terrifying in her devotions; sweet is not the best word for her. I don't know if "submissive" is the best word for her either, though - when he called her submissive, all I could think of was the very unsubmissive way she silenced her parents. *laughs* You have a couple of small typos and punctuation errors throughout, which you can probably catch with proofreading. Otherwise, I think you've done a nice job with this. The ending was almost expected, but your tone and narrative style made it a unique piece nonetheless. Best of luck to you with all of our writing, and welcome to Storywrite!

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