"There is no other way." He sounded vexed but, none the less, continued to pace before her, face shining in sweat each time he passed through the pool of moonlight on the floor. She watched him the calm feeling she'd felt only minuets before quickly dissolving. 1
"So what are you gonna do?" 2
He stopped but continued to stare straight ahead, "I'm not going to do anything." 3
"What do you mean you're not going to do anything?!" She screeched4
"This isn't my mess. I don't know why I saved you in the first place."5
"I don't know why I cared about you in the first place!" She shot back her attempt to hurt him going unnoticed as he shrugged the comment off. 6
"Your mess, you fix it." He argued simply.7
"I hate you!" Her voice was filled with emotion, it sounded as if she really meant the words, like she really hated him. He didn't buy it for one minute. It was impossible for her to hate him, and so what if she did, it's not like he cared what she thought. 8
"Of course you do." He sighed, "You always hate me." 9
She crossed her arms and pouted, watching him look at nothing. "I'm not leaving without him." 10
"I don't have to take you anywhere, you don't have to come, I will leave you here." Fingers curled in to fists as he hissed the words wishing for once the girl wouldn't be so stubborn. 11
Her mouth opened and closed in shock, he wouldn't dare leave her, not here, not so close to danger. "You wouldn't." 12
"Try me." He spat. "I'm sick of you and your head games! You can't always get your way Jynx." 13
"But, but he's, he's my best friend, He's you're brother!" She was appalled, her squinted eyes and open mouth showed it. 14
"My brother?" The boy laughed. "Never my brother, he wasn't ever there for me when I needed him, why should I be there for him." Years of empty bitterness and loneness seeped from his every pore.15
"Bonds of blood are thicker then those of hate." She muttered. 16
"You don't get it, he abandoned me! He abandoned me Jynx! I was only eight years old. He left me to face everything alone. You have no idea what that place is like. I had no one. Understand that Jynx, NO ONE!" 17
She laughed without humor. "I do know, I grew up with no one too, Benjamin! So don't whine to me about abandonment! I practically raised my siblings! No one was ever around! Dad left and mom was always too gone to do anything, when she wasn't working she was drinking. I suppose I should be grateful she wasn't a violent drunk, but a drunk all the same. You want to hear about self pity, I'll give you an earful, the one night I take to do something for me, the one night in forever that I get out to spend even a little time with my friends my mother burns the house down." Deep ragged breaths from anger and pain shuddered her small body. "She fell asleep with a cigarette in her mouth and liquor in her hand, no one got out of that house alive. I was the only survivor because I wasn't there and I hate myself for it. I could have prevented it. Got the kids out, put out the fire, something, anything." The tears she'd been holding back finally burst through. 18
He blinked at a loss of what to do, he'd had no idea she had such a complicated past. He couldn't in any good conscious leave her like this, not yet anyway. He watched the girl sob for a bit longer. "Damn conscious." He muttered, "Stay here I'll be right back." 19
"Where are you going!?" She hiccupped letting fear seep into her voice. 20
"To get my brother." He growled unhappily. She blinked at his retreating form confusion evident on her face.
Author notes
Thank-you Thorn-on-the-rose for proof reading.
This is a blurb I've had laying around. I realize that it's unfinished, and I might fix that later, but it's currently under writers block.
A contest entry
- Short stories by Thorn-on-the-Rose.
175 points, ended August 30, 46 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Anything And Everything by ForgottenVoice.
200 points, ended October 25, 60 entries
• next story in this contest, • Add to finalists list, or remove from contest
Comments
1 - 11 of 11
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Great.
This is great. I would really like to read more, being one of those people that can't stand not knowing the answer to a mystery - I want to know what the emergency is, why they are arguing, what mess it is that she has dumped herself in etc.
Your characters are strong, with equally powerful pasts that are starting to shine through in this piece, and the tension in the scene is almost plapable.
Very well done, and I hope you do continue this.
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oops
Hey I just noticed how long my comment was and I just wanna apologize for taking so much space =/ Old habits die hard, I guess. Once again, keep writing - your story was great =) -
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That's fine, I appreciate your help.
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You wrote a good story here. I'm interesting in seeing where it's going, what the "danger" is, etc. so if you feel like elaborating on it, by all means, do so. I just have a few suggestions:
1) Your title "Is blood thicker then hate" should be "Is blood thicker THAN hate." Just apply the same changes through all the then's in your story (the ones that fit the same context anyway, IE paragraph 16 ).
2)Paragraph 4: "...anything?!" she screeched.
- question mark before the exclamation point.
- you don't have to capitalize the 'she' after you close the quotations since you're describing her reaction in the quotations. <-- probably didn't do a good job explaining that...
3)Paragraph 6: She shot back, her attempt to hurt him going unnoticed as he shrugged the comment off.
- note the comma after back and before her.
4)Paragraph 7: "Your mess, you fix it."
- I changed the "You're" to "Your".
5)Paragraph 8: ...minute. It was...hate him, and so what if she did? It's not like...
- It just breaks your long sentence into parts and makes it look less awkward.
6)Paragraph 10: pouted, watching
- just the comma
7)Paragraph 11: "I don't have to take you anywhere. You don't have to come. I will leave you here." His fingers curled in to fists as he hissed the words, wishing for once the girl wouldn't be so stubborn.
8)Paragraph 12: Her mouth opened and closed in shock. He wouldn't dare leave her, not here, not so close to danger.
"You wouldn't."
- Note the period after shock.
- Notice how I started the dialogue in a new paragraph. From what I've learned, always start a new dialogue in a new paragraph, unless the person already spoke in the beginning of the paragraph, and you're just adding on more dialogue in the end. It has to be the same speaker though.
9)Paragraph 13: "...games. You..."
- Note the period.
10)Pragraph 14: "But...but he's...he's my best friend! He's you're brother!" She was appalled.
- Note how I replaced the ellipses with commas.
- Piece of advice: don't say "she was appalled." Show it. Either that or use it as an adjective.
11)Paragraph 15: "My brother?" The boy laughed. "Never my brother. He never there for me when I needed him - why should I be there for him?" Years of empty bitterness and loneliness seeped from his every pore.
- I just made a couple changes.
12)Paragraph 16: see comment #1
13)Paragraph 17: "You don't get it - he abandoned me! ... Understand that Jynx? NO ONE!"
- Just a couple of changes again.
14) Paragraph 18: She laughed with humor.
"I do know... You want to hear about self pity, I'll give you an earful - the one night I take to do something for me, the one night in forever that I get out to spend even a little time with my friends, my mother burns the house down." ... Deep ragged breaths from anger and pain shuddered her small body. "She fell asleep with a cigarette in her mouth and liquor in her hand. No one got out of that house alive. I was the only survivor because I wasn't there and I hate myself for it. I could have prevented it - got the kids out, put out the fire, something, anything." The tears she'd been holding back finally burst through.
- Notice how I started the dialogue in a new paragraph, but kept the rest of the dialogue in the same paragraph.
- Take note of the hyphens
15)Paragraph 19: He blinked, at a loss of what to do. He'd had no idea she had such a complicated past. He couldn't, in good conscious, leave her like this...not yet anyway. He watched the girl sob for a bit longer. "Damn conscience," he muttered. "Stay here I'll be right back."
- Changed a couple of punctuation marks and I put in an ellipses where there used to be a comma.
- I also changed conscious to conscience (I believe the same comment was made by someone else)
16)Paragraph 20: "Where are you going?!"
- Again question mark before exclamation point
17)Paragraph 21: ...retreating form, confusion
- Note the comma
That wraps it up. Keep in mind that these are merely suggestions - you don't need to implement them. I hope I helped and definetely keep writing. Outside of a few grammatical errors, this piece was great.
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yepp, I've already read this, and commented it, twice, and I helped proof it, lol. So good luck in the contest!!
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yepp, I've already read this, and commented it, twice, and I helped proof it, lol. So good luck in the contest!!
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haha, yeah, i guess i missed some stuff, but i changed a lot too, lol, she always spells minuTEs wrong, it's hard to catch them all( this is too kirin) oh, and I didn't have the title to proof, and I really don't now how to spell conscience, (well, i do now, but...) sorry about my misses.
I still changed a lot though, =(. i only missed four things, that's not too bad, but I won't take it to heart, thanks for helping, kirin.
Oh, and since I already commented this, i won't write a long comment, lol, good job, i give you clappy guys this time, w00t w00t. Go Lola/ Gaby!!!
-Dann
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Great piece... Poor Jynx... Poor Benji... The brother, he must be poor too..You've packed a lot in under 600 words.. Nice.. I'm eager to know what character the brother is... Looks kinda finished, but if you say you're gonna add some more, I'm happy to shut my mouth
I hate to say this, but i feel the story line distracted the proof reader.
p1: She watched him... this sentence could be rephrased and i believe you were thinking 'minutes' not 'minuets'
p7: You're (Your)mess?
p16& Title: Blood thicker then(than) hate.
p19: good conscious(conscience? Correct me if i'm wrong)
Sorry Thorn on the rose... Blame Lola... It was her fault to write a story strong enough to distract us.. I myself found these on the second read..
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gggggggggggggggggrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrreat! lol luved it!
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Hehe, I already read this, in fact, i helped proof it, Yay, you mentioned me, so I'm gonna mention your mentioning of mein my comment, here it is...
Thank-you Thorn-on-the-rose for proof reading.
Hehe, if you don't know, I'm thorn-on-the-rose =DD.
But anyways, great plot, I love this story it's really good, I can't wait to see where you go with it!! Good job to you, for writing it, and good job to me, for proofing it!!
I really hope I got everything, if I didn't sorry =DD
Anyways, grewat writing, keep it up =DD -
didnt read just gave you points lol read it lata
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