Conversations with the dead chapter 1

“We suck at saying goodbye” I murmured into his ear; knowing I had to let him go, but unable to make my arms allow it. Not knowing what else to do I kissed him one last time braiding my fingers into his hair feeling the texture of every misplaced strand. When our lips met they met with such passion I was sure I needed no one else ever again. It was a clumsy and emotional kiss not like the suave movie scene where they let each other go with that last kiss of doom. I don’t think either of us would have wanted that either; clumsy, and emotional was just the way we did things. We often joked how we would go down as the clumsiest kissers in the history of beginning kissers, and that the names Sammy and Vince would be plastered all over some dating history book. Even as we got better there was a clumsy way in which our lips pressed into one another’s that I wouldn’t take back for the world. 1

I knew he would probably just barley make it home to finish packing, and get the three hours of restless sleep he was allotted, but I didn’t care. If I was expected to lose the love of my life then I would do it on MY terms. He pulled away from the kiss, and paused for a breathe of unminted air, and said “No it’s just that this whole goodbye thing sucks.” I began to shudder, trying so hard not to cry, and let him go with dignity, but it didn’t work; he pulled me in tight, and knocked my leg from underneath me, taking me down gently onto the grassy hill. I tried to hide my gasp of pain, because he hit my bad knee, but it failed. He was about to spout out apologizes like some broken bird bath, but I asked him nicely to please shut up, and intertwined my arms in back of his neck, and his lips met mine. Tears ran down both our faces, and we made some kind of awkward beauty with our sorrow. 2

We breathed heavily taking a break from lost tongues, and unrequited lips, and I took one last glance into his warm gray blue eyes, and touched the side of his face gently. I was trying to thumb away his tears, but eventually gave up and settled for just being able to touch his soft skin, and count his freckles one last time. Even in the dark I knew where his freckles were like they were the road map to the forever I could no longer have. He tried to smile his usual goofy everything is gonna be ok smile, but it was like trying to reassure a person diagnosed with a deadly disease that they could live a productive life. I wanted to ask him if he was fuckin serious, but I looked his straight in the eye, and let the last stray tears run. 3

“I can’t stand it those puppy brown eyes of yours. You make me feel like I am abandoning you babe.” He whispered into my ear like I stabbed him with a knife, and I was twisting his insides into a perfect 360. He tucked my long red hair behind my ears, and gave me little needy kisses. “You know you need to go. You have to pack and stuff.” I reminded him in a dead pan soul ripped out type voice. He held me one last time wordlessly there on the grass. Rubbing my back, and trying to get as much body around me as he could; which was like trying to fit a circle around a square, but we somehow fit each other like puzzle pieces. He held me as tight as he could one last time and got up leaving me there on the grass to deal with the aftermath of this emotional war, and started walking away.4

“Always know that I love you.” He said curly head bowed, and all black clothes blending in with the night. He reminded me of a lonely broken angel; all he was missing was the wings, but it doesn’t even matter because his wings are sharpie inked on, and there they will always remain in my memories. I was stunned by the perfection of regret that I forgot to say that I loved him to with everything I had to give, and that we would be together again even if I had to travel across the world twice. I heard him close the door of his black Honda Civic, and drive away shuddering letting the waterfall go, and I remember that it was the night I most certainly died.