"4. The crowd waited eagerly in the rain and stood in puddles not caring. Oh. My. God. Here it came, the bus, it was here! Angee nearly peed herself; it was REALLY THEM!!!! She unfolded her sign, made sure the creases hadn’t folded the stickers and held it over her head, really high, so they could see. She was pretty tall. She knew they’d see and she hoped they’d take the time to read her sign, she’d worked so hard on. Then they came off the bus, omg omg omg she was hyperventalating. And then the blond looked up while waving at all the crowd and saw her sign and his face changed."1
Rain drops fell among the crowd, either helping to wash away the layer of mud that clung to their shoes or making it worse depending on how one stepped. There was a chill in the air from all the moisture, and it hung just as thick as the anticipation of the fans, leaving lungs half starved for air and adding to the frenzy. Becka stood in the middle of it, all six feet of her just barely putting her face over the top of the mohawks which managed to survive the weather. Clasped to her chest was the folded up poster she had spent the last week preparing, dozens of sheets of paper losing their lives for this one final product. She hoped they saw it...had to believe they'd see it or she'd melt into the rain in a slobbering goo of self-pity. She wanted to run away now, spare herself the grief should she not be seen among the masses, but the bus was already here. The crowd held its collective breath, waiting, before finally erupting into cheers as the bus door swung open. Becka had only a moment to doubt herself before realizing her arms were already in the air, the poster seeming to unfold itself. Now exposed she had no choice but to stand there, watching as the blond exiting the bus turned her way and lay eyes on her poster. No choice but to watch the smile fall from his face and his eyes glaze over as he read the sign out loud. No choice but to smile weakly, as she let her future baby's daddy know she was out there cheering.
Author notes
When I read that paragraph, that's all I could think of. Is that disturbing?
Lol, hope Valkyrie likes the pimped out paragraph, at the very least. The top paragraph is the original (#4), and the bottom one my take on it.
A contest entry
- Pimp My Paragraph by Valkyrie.
335 points, ended August 27, 2008, 12 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
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Whoa, nice! That's one very pimped out paragraph.

It's not disturbing, it's original (to me at least).
I think you did a terrific job of setting the mood with the rain and the mud; your description was detailed and in smooth flow with your storytelling.
I'm always about the twist at the end, and you had a great one.
Thank you so much for taking time to work up a great paragraph for my contest.

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Yay! I'm glad you liked it, and thank you. ^_^
Have fun judging, and thanks again!
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