Destiny: Chapter 1 (second half, its complete now)

The air outside smelled of rain. Winter had just ended and flowers were in bloom everywhere. Oriel loved this time of year. Colors seemed to pop out of nowhere. It was like the world had been dead and was now full of life and vibrant. 1

The well was out by the barn on the back left side of the shack. It was odd, the barn seemed bigger than the shack. Oriel shook her head slightly, why didn't they just live in the barn instead of the shack. The well was small, but it had to be at least twenty feet deep. There was a little roof above it, Oriel never understood its purpose. Oriel grabbed the rope to the bucket and lowered it down to the seemingly endless pit. Valen, Oriel's cat, jumped up onto the well and tried to jump into her arms, knocking the rope out of her hands.2

"Valen! What am I supposed to do now?" Oriel put the cat on the ground and looked down the well. How am I supposed to get the bucket out?Oriel thought frustrated. Leaning over the edge, she thrust her hand down into the well, hoping that she might be able to reach the rope because the water should be high after the winter's snow melted away. Oriel felt a warm sensation on her arm and then pour down into hand. Light poured out of her hand, brightening the dark well. The rope started to move, wiggling like a snake and the shot up into her hand. Oriel jumped back and tripping over Valen, fell to the ground. She stared at her hand like it was some foreign object that she had never seen before.3

"MOM!!" Oriel screamed, tears starting to fall down her cheeks. Fear over came her as she scrambled away from the well. Arissa ran out from the house, fearing that something was attacking her. Arissa looked around, ready for anything, but all she saw was Oriel and an overturned bucket next to the well.4

"What is it, whats the matter?" Arissa asked, panting to catch her breath.5

"Light came out of my hand!" Oriel said, turning her hand over and over, looking for some explanation. 6

"It's time for you to know, come with me," Arissa said, she turned to her house, soft brown hair waving slightly in the morning breeze. Oriel stood and followed Arissa into the house. The tears had stopped and the fear was replaced with natural sixteen year old curiosity.

This is my first story on this site, comment on anything,

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Comments

  • writeurlife
    August 21, 2008

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    Good

    why'd she cry? contrary to popular belief not all girls are fountains. not that i'm saying she shouldn't cry, but you should be clear about why she's crying.


  • Oddems.
    August 20, 2008
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    Decided to also leave a critique on this one! So here ya go:

    1-I'd change the last sentence of the first paragraph to 'It was like the world had been dead and was now vibrant and full of life.' That way it flows better.
    2-If this is in more of a medieval time period - you'd want to use a different word than weird.
    3-'Because the water (should be) high after the winter's snow....'
    4-Like before - if this is in a medieval time period I'd use mother instead of mom.
    5-Seperate when they're talking into separate paragraphs so it'll read better.
    6- The ending seems a bit rushed, so you may want to add a bit more.

    Other than that - great job, again!

  • Oddems.
    August 20, 2008
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    Very good ending to chapter one. The only thing I noticed was that in the first paragraph, last sentence you changed from past tense to present tense. Instead of saying 'now is full of life and vibrant' say 'now was full of life and vibrant'. Other than that, great job!


    • skiboy2992
      August 20, 2008
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      Thanks!

      Thanks for the comment, i fixed the problem. Ill start the second chapter soon