Destiny: Chapter 1 (incomplete)

Oriel rubbed her eyes and rolled out of bed. The two bedroom shack she lived in was just outside the busy town of Esmira. A castle, where King Roderic lived, sat on a low hill like an overbearing cloud in the center. Knights, from the kings army, could be seen riding past the shack. Sometimes a few of them securing the boundries of the kingdom, or in large groups, heading off on some military mission to the east. 1

Arissa, Oriel's mother, was in the kitchen when she walked in, finishing a small plate of eggs and bread.2

"Good morning sweatheart, your plate is on the counter," Arissa said, pointing near the fireplace. Oriel grabbed it gratefully, she forgot to eat last night. "How did you sleep last night?"3

"Pretty good, I had that dream again," Oriel replied. For the past week, Oriel had been dreaming about a boy. He always seemed to be just out of reach. He was tall with brown hair and blue eyes. He seemed 16 or 17, so he had a slim muscled body. His face was round, with a little facial hair."4

"Did you catch him this time?" Arissa asked smiling.5

"No, he just seems to stand there and doesn't move and when I try to reach out to him, he seems to fade farther away," Oriel replied.6

"They're all like that," Arissa whispered to herself.7

"Hmm?" Oriel asked, her mouth full of eggs.8

"Nothing, here, can you help me with the dishes?"9

"Sure, I'll go fetch the water from the well." Oriel stood and put her plate in the washbin, satisfied with breakfast.

Author notes

This is only the beginning of Chapter 1, I just want to see if its worth continuing. Thanks for reading!

This is my first story on this site, comment on anything,

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Comments

  • writeurlife
    August 21, 2008
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    Good

    it's good... i agree w/ the person who said more details, but it seems to flow. "they're all like that" was funny... hehe


  • Oddems.
    August 20, 2008
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    Decided I'd reread and leave some advice/slash critique. This should be fun... So here it goes:

    1- The (two) bedroom shack....
    2- Oriel grabbed it (gratefully)....
    3- With a little (facial) hair. (No " by the way.)


    As for advice, you should try to make the time period a little more clear and add a bit more detail.

    There ya go - my critique!

  • Oddems.
    August 20, 2008

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    It's a good start and seems really interesting. Message me when you finish it so I can check back in. Can't wait to read the rest.


  • Poisonous Love
    August 20, 2008
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    Yay seems interesting!!!