Drug Fantasy...My future.

I count the days till I can kiss your sweet lips again. Till I can finally hold onto you. And cry into your shoulder. Feel your heartbeat. Touch your scars. Hear your sweet angelic voice. Telling me everything is okay. 1

I sit alone in my dark cold room. On Christmas eve. Not wanting to ruin anyone's Christmas. Needles numbing my arm. My body wet from the sweat from siting next to the fire. The colors swirling. I never shut the fireplace guard. Yet I can't tell wither or not the flames are actually scorching my flesh or if its just the fever from the infection on my arm. I can't tell the difference between the color of my floor and the walls. But I continue to rest. Crying out morphine. There was a horrible burning in my chest. I couldn't even think of why. I couldn't even think about the last five minutes. 2

I had lost all my friends. And my family hates me. Ever since they saw me cutting my wrist. Or even sticking a real needle full of who knows what into my arm. I even started stabbing myself. Repeatedly. I had been to the hospital...At least ninety times....In three months. 3

I hated myself. I hated my figure. I hated my life. I hated my family. I hated everyone. I hadn't been on the computer. I figured Stefan had moved on. Or he was dead. I had been expelled. I hadn't seen Alexzandria in about two years. She always called but...I stopped answering. I forgot my own face. I forgot my friends faces. Even my parents faces. I couldn't even talk anymore. I had stitches all over my body. And scars everywhere. But no in the same area...I kept it random. 4

I had almost died in the past two weeks. I had tried to kill myself in every single way possible. Friends gave up on saving me. The school guidance counselor talked to my parents about it. They submitted me into a Psycho Ward...Well one far away in like...I think...Germany or something. But they kicked me out because I misused the drugs they gave me. So they sent me back to school. Took away all my needles everything. It made me shake violently at school. I got sent to the nurse every hour. Lunch was oh so fun..Sitting alone on the stage because your teachers won't let you sit with the other kids because they're afraid you'll die or they will. It amazed me at this way of thinking. I hated that factor. I mean...Who wouldn't but...I knew what I had caused and I didn't care. I had no respect for these people. And they had none for me. So it was fair. 5

I was put in a straight jacket a couple times. I had one friend for awhile. He was by my side. All the time. His name is Joe. There was a girl too but she came every other day. Her name is Sam. I loved them both. Joe was always so concerned. I knew he cared. 6

I was always alone. Now. I never had anyone close. My parents kicked me out. And everything. I mean they bought me my own place. Sent me wherever I wanted. I wanted to go to Stefan. But I didn't know where to go when I got to California. Even if I did. The last thing..I can remember him saying to me was... "I'm sorry I wasn't there. I love you. You'll always be my Luv" I cried. Over it. Because I would never be more. Never be his angel. Nothing more than his luv. I knew he adored me. I knew he loved me. But...I wanted to be his angel. Be his LOVE not luv. I wanted to be everything to him. I mean he didn't kill himself because he could never talk to me again. But...That wasn't enough. I still love him. I always will. I will never stop loving him. 7

My liquid morphine had stopped flowing into my veins. I cried more. Now that I think about it the best I can in my drugged state...I hadn't spoken to him...In almost ...Two years. 8

I want him to know I love him more than anything...But I can't. No time. No way. And ...Hes most..likely dead.9

So now I ask myself. Why do I do this to myself? Why am I letting life go? What happened to me? Does he still love me? Is he still alive? And most importantly...Am I still alive?10

I write this to everyone to know. That I hate myself more than anything. And to let...Him know...I am never going to let go of him...Even In my darkest times.11