I shrugged my trench-coat further up my neck - seeking warmth in its thick layers. Staring around, I surveyed the ruins; it was an old church, a victim of bombs and bullets. Rubble littered the ground and barely any of the roof still remained, but amidst all the ruin one thing caught my eye; a lone wall - unscathed by the destruction - stood at the far end of the room. In it, a stained glass window persisted: a serene and beautiful sight in a barren wasteland. I couldn't comprehend how it had withstood the attack. I didn't think anything beautiful had survived after it had happened...1
Perhaps I should explain - though why, I'm not sure. Unless you've lived under a rock all your life, you should know what I mean, but nevertheless...2
I'm sure you've all heard of World War III? Well, that, in a nutshell, is what happened. Back in 2008, a massive sporting event, the Olympics, was held in China. They tried so hard to equal with the super-nations such as America. They spent years trying to clean up their country just for the games, but they failed. Most of their participants lost (except for ping pong), everyone complained about the smog, and on it went. When the games finished, China decided to bomb all America's big sporting complexes. As a result, most of America turned into a nuclear hazard. They returned fire, and around it went. Only countries like Australia, with massive un-populated areas, survived. Although New Zealand went pretty fast... 3
Anyway, I digress... 4
Tearing my eyes away from the window, I continued my way through the church, searching...5
Everyone was searching for something after the bombs had stopped falling, be it the warm touch of a loved one, be it a roof over one's head, or be it something simple, like food. 6
I was yet to find what I was looking for, but I'd be damned if I was going give up like some lazy buggers had...7
I came to a small flight of steps that lead up into a room that looked like it held the central heating - or air-conditioning. The roof had caved in, covering half the steps with old stone, and on the wall appeared to be an old memorial of some kind. 8
As I studied the memorial, the wall started to change colour. I spun - hunting for the reason. I found it; the sun had dropped low enough in the sky that it shone straight through the stained glass window, casting a kaleidoscope of colours on the wall. 9
I stepped back so I could get a full view of the wall: blues, greens, yellows, reds, captivating in its splendour. I had come here seeking, but I'd not found what I sought. Instead, I found a small piece of the past: a piece of beauty that, by some chance of fate, had escaped the destruction that had befallen the rest of the world. 10
I smiled. I must not forget about this place, nor let anyone else know, lest they ruin it. 11
Dragging my eyes off the wall, I turned, and went back to my mission, the search I'd been on for five years. I was beginning to doubt I'd ever find it... 12
I mean seriously? How hard is it to find one piece of bloody cheese?
Author notes
Yo, wrote this up from a picture. First I've ever done I think, anyway, link is here: http://alexiuss.deviantart.com/art/Kaleidoscope-Reverie-87621525
Pretty darn cool picture. 
Enjoy!
*Contest entry stuff*
Fav colour is black! Or red, or blue... 
Option three for the contest with the song by Motion City Soundtrack as the title. But I looked the lyrics up 'cause I wanted to know what it was.
In a list
A contest entry
- x♥ Pass It On ♥x by Dreams of Insanity.
525 points, ended November 17, 2008, 15 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - "Tonight will end without sound..." by Noisome..
500 points, ended January 6, 29 entries
Honorable mention
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Most Anything!! by His.Golden.Eyes.
104 points, ended March 11, 8 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Amaze me.... by Raining.Fire.
100 points, ended April 13, 10 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Less than 600 words! :D by Disasterous-Bastard.
275 points, ended September 1, 13 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
A honest critique that is helpful is the best critique.
Comments
1 - 62 of 62
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Very humorous towards the beginning. Loved the event you chose to start the wr. lol. good job
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Hahaha awesome Dan =D It was very beautifully written, and of course had its good dose of humor. All around good =
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That was really cool! I liked it. Oh, and nice ending!
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This reminds me of a song called "Kaleidoscope Eyes"
(written by a Filipino artist, who passed away some few weeks ago)
I looked at the picture that inspired you, and I think you've done a great job. I loved the description, especially when you described light hitting the glass window. Somehow, I, too, have the impression that war obliterates the beautiful things.. but possibly, that's how miracles happen - they are the beautiful people and things that survive when almost everything had not.
And as for the cause of World War III..
I'm glad I'm living on this parallel universe. I think China won most of the gold medals (yay for Phelps! But I would have loved to see him and Thorpe and that flying Dutchman guy competing), so it appeased them or something *thanks my great grandma's ancestors for keeping peace*
Glad your character found the church before finding the cheese
he saw beauty.
Thanks for this ^_^ -
This reminds me of a song called "Kaleidoscope Eyes"
EDIT: Apparently, SW chopped up my message.. anyway.. yeah.
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wonderful...very well written...
and i'm glad you found your cheese.. -
GOOD!
that was fantastic! thanks for the entry and GOOD LUCK -
P.S. Great ending!
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I must say, I was a bit disappointed because your title led me to think this would have a Beatles allusion in it, but I'm not displeased with what I did get instead! This was so well written and SO descriptive in such an.. I'm not sure.. abstract-ish way. I like the transitions from very casual kind of thoughts to very formal descriptions, though I'm not sure that's intentional. This really was a very lovely piece and I love the country bits. :]
Glad you took the time to look up the lyrics, though you don't get points for it.
Thanks for this entry! Good luck. =]
-Sarah.
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The ending got me! I wouldn't call America a super-nation though. We're just like every other country...maybe a little more depraved at the moment. Anyway, nice entry. Good luck in the contest! (:
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Mmm, I wouldn't call America a super-nation either, but that bit is a rather sarcastic comment on how most American's see themselves as the centre of the world (or the world), and of course everyone wants to be like them. No offence to you though, it's just a comment on the attitude of America in general - at least, America from how it looks from another country.
Glad you enjoyed it.
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None taken...a lot of Americans are misrepresented, but then a lot are as egocentric and selfish as our current government represents us to the world. I love my country but I'm ready for a change. (:
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I enjoyed parts of this story. The 1st paragraph was good.
I found the humour a little too 'contrived' as it didn't read naturally for me.
Paragraph 2 - I feel it doesn't slot in with the opening paragraph.
Further along, shouldn't it be 'led' and not 'lead'.
This is just my opinion and I'm sure there will be other readers' who disagree with me.beginning: 4, language: 3, plot: 3, ending: 3, characters: 2.
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You are quite right, actually. Those things are things that are on my list to look into when I edit it again. I haven't had time yet.
Thank you muchly for the read and comment.
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Hood-Winked!
Actually when I got to the end, I was assuming you were a mouse () but then I remembered your first sentence which proved me wrong. Maybe lose paragraph 2 where you state: ' Unless you've lived under a rock all your life, you should know what I mean, but nevertheless...' Possibly it is superfluous to your story (and makes readers like me go down the wrong track!) ...(easily done, I'm afraid! 
)
I like the idea of the kaleidoscope colours moving across the wall. This creates a beaut image in your reader's mind.
It could be pared down a little to 'show' rather than 'tell' in places, but the concept is a good one and it has great potential as a trophy-winning piece.
Well done, and keep that pen moving!
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Yay!
Yea, a few people have thought me a mouse. *sigh*
Under a rock... you know, I never thought of that as people thinking I was a mouse, good point, heh. I added it 'cause I wanted to give the impression that he is writing the story to people in the future, so a sarcastic comment about should know, to cover the info-dump. Guess it didn't quite have the desired effect, oh well.
Did you check out the picture that inspired the story? You should, it's very pretty.
Heh, funny, I'm always being told more show, so I made sure plenty of show and I got too much. Practice a bit and I'll get the balance right one day.
Thanks very much for the read, comment and applause!
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HAHA!
Haha! Really good. I love the fact you made it all very suspicious at the start, then just by a few words it made the whole story hilarious! Well, I found that anyway.
Good luck
Lolly x -
this was good. You seem to have a talent for writing and i like the way this was done.
great job, bret
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Hahaha.
This is pretty good.
I love how you put something almost so serious and can almost me interpreted as deep and add complete humor in it.
The ending is hilarious. Well done. -
A fitting story for a fitting picture! Great work! China waged war because it lost in everything except 'ping pong'? Hilarious!! And you searched for a piece of Cheeze for five years?? *rofl
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A fitting story for a fitting picture! Great work! China waged war because it lost in everything except 'ping pong'? Hilarious!! And you searched for a piece of Cheeze for five years??
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Yep. I like my cheeze.
Glad you enjoyed the piece.
Thanks for reading, commenting and applauding!
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Great scene that certainly flicked around the genres you've listed. Not sure it's really a story, but it's certainly enjoyable both for its content and its clear readability. Good work.
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Your stories have such good twists. I remember your entry from my contest. Anyway this story was so grim and serious, and your description of the stained glass and the wall was done beautifully. Also after seeing the picture I could see how that inspired you. Very good job, you've got mad skills yo!
Good luck in Star's contest
-Mira
((I was just on your page and I just realized were related O.O I'm RJ's little sister and Tiger-Lily's sister))
So that makes me your sisece
hehe okay im leaving once again good job!
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Hehe, why thank you. I'm glad you enjoyed it.
This will be in for some edits, make it more of a satire.
Hmmm, doesn't that make me RJ's uncle? That doesn't sound right... these families get confusing. Haha, no one thinks them through very thoroughly.
Anyway, thanks for reading, commenting and applauding! -
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No problem it was a pleasure
-gives you a piece of
Enjoy
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*stares*
O.O
*blinks*
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BAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAH! Oh my gosh Dan! You've done it once again! You had me laughing pretty good at the end! Woooooo! I loved it tons. So serious and grim in the beginning, but at the end...well you got me!
Good luck in the contest! -
nice piece of dark humour
I liked it for two reasons. Firstly, the flippant, dark humour is good, particularly the topical (although now slightly out-of-date) Beijing Games. Secondly, and more importantly, your descriptive scenes are in fact high quality, worthy of a serious piece. Perhaps the good stuff is so good it slightly waters down the humour - that one I leave to you to think about.
You certainly qualify for mixing genres with equal degrees of responsibility spread among them. Well done.
Here are a few edit-style suggestions, for what they are worth:
para 1 - slight misuse of semi-colons. The first is OKish, but the second doesn't seem right - should be a colon I think, given you use hyphens in the same sentence.
para 2 - "equal" hasn't got a subject - suggest "equal the sporting capabilities of the super-nations".
para 7 - "if a was going give up" needs a "to" after "going".
para 8 - "lead" should be "led".
para 10 - suggest the last comma in the first sentence be a semi-colon. Perhaps "chance" should be "act".
Again, I liked it and I believe you have a wonderful, fluid writing style.
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*chuckles*
You know, you could almost turn this into a short piece of satire. It's already very close to being satire of the post-apocalyptic genre - just a bit of tweaking and you'd be there.
The only thing that bothered me about this piece is the difference in tone between the narrator and the character's thoughts. The narrator treats things seriously, which I find amazing, considering how ridiculous this actually is. The character is flippant and pulls the entire piece backwards from the mock-seriousness you had set up before. In my mind, that ruins the effect a little. What would happen if you found a way to narrate this whole piece in a serious tone, as if the Olympics really could end the world, and then still ended with the bit about the cheese. That would elevate it's style of humor, in my eyes, from punch-drunk to satirical. But I digress - I'm not the one hankering for gouda. *laughs*
Notes:
* Para 7: "flight of steps that lead up into a room that looked" - I think you meant "led" and not "lead," since everything else is in past tense.
* Para 13: *groans* I should have known it would be cheese with you - you're just a cheesy kind of guy. I don't think you need a question mark after "seriously," though. It doesn't seem like a question to me - maybe a dash instead and make the whole last paragraph one sentence. *shrugs*
By the way, why Weed Lady, of all things? *laughs* -
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Yeah, I'm think of turning this into an all out satire. Should be fun, when I have more time.
Especially after reading that Swift story, I'm in love with the idea of being deadly serious about an absurd subject
Why the Weed Lady? Well, you work with plants, so provided a nice drug connotation... besides, I ran out of other ideas. What about Little Niki? Which do you like less, I'll go with that one.
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*laughs* You know, the plant I work with is a plant most people consider a weedy plant. I was thinking more along the lines of that weed, in which case the name fits surprisingly well. Besides, who needs weed when it's so easy to get high on life.
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Heh. Dark humor. I love it. But it was very interesting, as always. Good job, Dan. And I'm not just saying that cause you're Mafia.
But seriously, I didn't find anything I could suggest editing ot anything, so good work. I enjoy the way you write. It's a nice blend of comedy and enough realism to make it seem actually plausible. A smiley face for you.
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Oh, Dan, guess what? I was thinking about my picture prompt today, and I figured out a way to tie your story into mine! So, if you don't mind, your character is about to have a stalker.
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Tie away!
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What? WWIII happened after the China Olympics?
So we're all dead over here and the afterlife is just a continuation of the same old crap?
This sucks!
And why are you always looking for cheese?
Wait! I got it! Your the result of some genetic experiment by some weird scientist dude who was obsessed with the book 'Of Men and Mice', aren't you?
I knew it.
I'll leave a trail of cheese for you in the playpen.
Greg
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As I said to the bald man, it's got to happen in the past sometime, I can't keep updating it so the story is always in the future. And I wanted China involved. So yeah, the afterlife is rather boring it'd seem.
Yes! Someone has worked it out, wooo!
*Goes off to find the trail of cheese in the playpen*
Thanks for the read and comment!
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HAHAHAHA
this is too good!!! i thought he was looking for his girl, or something! everything was very touchy and awesome until the end.
really, i can't believe i didn't see that coming.
and the thing about the olympics and the chinese?? haha that was so cool!!!
i -loved- it. and not only 'cause you're my friend, believe me.
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Well, this was a strange piece. At first I thought it was going to be a post-apocalyptic story, but in the end I'm really not sure what to make of it. A man in search of cheese? I guess? We know nothing about this character.
Of course, now that the Beijing Olympics are over, this piece seems kinda dated. Perhaps change it to the upcoming 2012 Olympics?
I'll say this for you, this story was different--which is good. I do think you could expand it and give it more depth.
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Change it to 2012? But they're not held in China, that kinda removes the fun from it, plus by doing that, I might as well change it every four years so this story always happens in the future... It's gotta happen in the past sometime, right?
Well, so far, just about everyone says go more in depth, write more! So, if I get anymore ideas (none right now) I'll do so.
Different, yay! I do try.
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From the Ashes Will Rise a Phoenix!
Ah...er...Cheese? Ok!
Strange, but you know, after your first phrase and first couple of sentences I could have sworn you were going to get into a Dan Doozer take-off on a private-eye satire...or satire on a private-eye take-off...you know what I mean. But...you fooled me. Next, I thought we were into a contemporary drama...but then..."the attack."...and "WWIII!" Oh, oh! Sci-Fi!
Ok. But "that, in a NUTSHELL?" I wouldn't "pooh-pooh WWIII! Even some guy from the Sci-Fi furure wouldn't do that. Would he? Can't stretch credibility!
Anyway, Dan, some good stuff in here...AND some really nice, sensitive images. Let me tighten a few things for you, ok?
Don't do cliches like: "Living under a rock"...or "in a nutshell" Find some more original phrases. These can insideously creep into your prose...and water it down terribly. Get rid of them like plague! (Whoops!)See what I mean?
You don't need to explain "massive sporting event with "the Olympics." We know. Or, if you must, just say: The Olympics! We know that that was a "massive sporting event, as well. So...AVOID REDUNDANCY...and EDITORIAL EXPLAINING!
In P3 the phrase "to equal" is the wrong choice.
"to compete" is probably closer to what you mean.
"participants" try athletes instead.
Then, I felt this is npt quite reason enough to instigate a nuclear war! Do you think it would be?
I hope not.
"Nuclear hazard?" wrong word. How about Nuclear wasteland...or tundra...plain...prairie...savannah, etc.If you feel "wasteland" is a little overused...try SOMETHING NEW AND DIFFERENT! But an IMAGE...(What did the word "hazard" say?)
BTW...it wouldn't be "America TURNED"...it would be: America WAS turned (or transformed) into...
And don't say "They returned, etc." WHO? Easy on the pronouns.
"And AROUND IT WENT." This is a cop out. Either describe what occurred or don't. But stay away from "etc. and so forth" type phrases.
Not nuts about that phrase "Anyway I digress."
Who cares? And it's been used thousands of times.
Another cliche type of phrase.
The next bit is good! It seems to come from a different place in your head. Try to find that place more often. It is sincere...and real.
P10..."chance" or "fate"...not both.
All the rest is quite good.(And "Remove" is better than the more physical Drag"...you don't "drag" your eyes! You may "tear" "wrest" or "remove" but "drag" is too much! Anyway, (I digress lol!) From your initial "digression" Up until the ..."cheese?" C'mon. Sounds like your main character is a mouse....it's pretty good! Re-work some of this. It's worth it. (Make it a little more believeable...tell us more about your character...who he is...how he made it. THAT...would make for a good story! And WHAT the hell IS he looking for? And Why? C'mon! Don't kiss this off, Dan!
GA
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Thank you, Gary! Now I have some real solid stuff to work off when I edit this.
The reason I explained what the Olympics were was because this story was, in a way, addressed to the people around him, in the future. In the future, Olympics haven't been around for quite a few years. Though, it's only been eight, so I suppose most would remember, so I'll either make it a longer time, or remove it. So I guess you could say the phrase was in there for authenticity, the character wasn't narrating the story for people -today- he was narrating for the people of the time.
Everything else, will take on board. Oh, the cheese, it's like a running motif for me.
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I liked it; it was very quiet and thoughtful throughout. Though why he'd be looking for cheese in a church kind of puzzled me, it also made me laugh.
Also, in P12 you say "of the wall" instead of "off the wall".
Saying that the guy's eyes were dragged twice in the story might be a little repetitive, too, but it was very descriptive and I knew what you meant. -
This is a good read. Good imagery. Good wording. With just the right touch of humor in it. You did a good job writing this. Thanks for sharing this with us. Good luck in your contests and I hope you win something. Hugs
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hey
that was really interesting
kept me involved the whole time
i really enjoyed it
keep it up
i love good pieces of work
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I really liked this =) You somehow manage to combine a serious subject and humor, and although it does sound a tad bit forced ( I know how prompt contests are) you still managed to create a beautiful story that offers a good laugh =)
Your loving sister,
~Aura ♥
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i like the end butchina got the most golds
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Not in this story they didn't.
Glad you enjoyed.
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hahahahaha XD At the beginning of this I was confused as to whether or not this was supposed to be humorous or serious; the way you wrote was serious but then the whole olympics causing world war 3 thing seemed pretty facetious.
lol. good job.
-lawliet
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Hehe, thank you.
I wasn't sure if I was doing humour or serious either. Haha, kinda went humour 'cause I can't help myself.
I'm glad you enjoyed it.
Thanks for reading, commenting and applauding!
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That was so greatly and beautifully descripted!!! The cheese thing confused me for a few seconds and then made me laugh. Nicely done.
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Hehe, thanks.
Well, cheese is like a signature motif for me, so I had to get it in somehow. And it was fun having him going on about searching, and his object is something absurd like cheese.
Glad you enjoyed!
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Yo. Thanks so much for entering. Can't wait to see what you've written! Don't forget to give #7 their word prompt so they can get writing too!
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I'm still waiting on my prompt...
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Well you can still give #7 their prompt before you get yours, unless you've already given it to them- then I really don't have anything to say. I can go remind #6 right now to give you a prompt. C:
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Yarp, already given prompt. But still waiting, I just IMed 'em to ask for it.
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ZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzz
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Don't I just write the most amazing stories?
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So glad to see you entered!
Well you're our #6!
#5 will give you your prompt!
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Awww dang it, I was trying to get in after Aura so she could prompt me.
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Awwww I;m sorry
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Not your fault, SW just screwed up so it delayed my timed entry, allowing someone else to get in...
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I'm sure you'll still get a cool prompt
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