Painting the Beauty Queens Orange - 4

January 2nd Friday1

Ten things I didn’t know about Oliver Crowell, well I didn’t know that much about him before I read this book but I could probably go on Mastermind now and tell Magnus Magnussen that my specialist subject is the life and times of Oliver Cromwell.2

1. He was an MP, a bit like Margaret Thatcher3

2. He lived in Huntingdon, I had to look that up in my atlas of Great Britain (which is the biggest book we have in this house, it’s huge, I use it to lean on) and it’s in Cambridgeshire 4

3. He had warts on his face – but I think I knew that already because when we went to the Tower of London two years ago we saw things like the Bloody Tower, the block and axe, the crown jewels and the ravens. I’m sure we saw Cromwell’s death mask and he wasn’t that good looking. Carol would say he wasn’t exactly Steve McQueen but then again Cromwell didn’t have to ride a motorbike escaping from the Germans. Catherine Howard practised putting her head on the block the night before they chopped it off to make sure there wasn’t too much mess I suppose.5

4. Charles 2nd cut Cromwell’s head off about ten years after he died. He dug him up and hung him, can’t see the point of that as he was already dead, no wonder Charles 2nd wore a wig and ate a lot of oranges.6

5. He doesn’t have a grave. That’s sad, everyone should have a grave so people can put flowers on it. We put flowers on Nan’s grave, someone goes every week.7

6. He was called the Lord Protector of England when it was a commonwealth.8

7. He didn’t want to be called King Oliver 1st.9

8. His son Richard was useless.10

9. When he died there was a huge storm and some people said it was the devil coming to fetch his soul because he cut off the head of the lawful king.11

10. He was very religious and wore a lot of black clothes.12

The book also said he was a Puritan and he banned Christmas. I thought that was a bit harsh, I like getting presents mostly. Perhaps he was getting fed up of having rotten presents from all his aunties, I always get things like manicure sets, notelets, writing paper with flowers on (yuk) and the occasional Papermate pen, or toys, but I’m nearly eleven, what do I want toys for? Barristers don’t need dolls.13

Carol came back from town with loads of bags from Dorothy Perkins. She bought some Brutus jeans with huge flares that flap together. She says they go well with her cork wedges. I hope I don’t end with them they’re stupid. She bought some halter neck tops as well. Dad was grumbling she shouldn’t wear things like that because everyone can see what she’s got which isn’t much. That started a row and she slammed upstairs so I had to hide in the front room again with my book. The cat came and curled up by the fire so we sat under the Christmas tree and forgot about everyone else. I’ll be glad when Carol goes back to work, at least all she does then is sleep, lounge in the bath and go out with her friends. Why won’t anyone marry her and take her away? she always used to say that when she was 16 she’d get a flat and move out but she’s nearly 19 now and still here. I wish she’d go and let me have my bedroom to myself just for a change. Wish I had my own bedroom like Phoebe does. For a start she doesn’t have to share with anyone, well she only has a brother and they can’t share. Her furniture’s all modern too, it’s white and always tidy. She’s got two posters pinned to her wall of David Essex in a white suit and you can see his earring and the other one’s Ben Murphy from Alias Smith and Jones. He’s Kid Curry, the other one, Hannibal Hayes shot himself so somebody else had to take his place. Phoebe said he wasn’t as handsome and she’d only put Ben Murphy on her wall. Our bedroom’s covered in all sorts, Carol likes the Bay City Rollers, they’re okay I suppose, the one with the spiky hair’s not too ugly. I’ve got Thumper the Rabbit although I haven’t actually seen the film and we’ve got some soppy framed pictures of big eyed girls looking upwards. She’s also got Rod Stewart, he’s got a big nose but Carol says he’s a real man. I don’t like the ways his eyes follow you around the room, especially when I’m getting dressed, makes me a bit embarrassed even though I know he’s nothing more than ink and paper. She probably kisses him before she goes to sleep. Yuk.14

Phoebe’s got a music centre her mum and dad let her use and she plays records on it. we played Abba’s Mama Mia after she bought it in Woolies and we learnt all the words. I bought Bohemian Rhapsody with some of my Chrimbo money and we know all the words to that as well even the foreign ones like Bismillah and Figaro Magnifico. I know who Galileo was, I looked him up. He was an Italian scientist who said something about the earth and the sun. He had long hair and a great big beard too. Dad wouldn’t tell him to go and get his hair cut would he? Phoebe likes that Greg Lake Christmas record too but nobody likes that silly Laurel and Hardy thing. Who buys that apart from people like Grandad who actually remembers Laurel and Hardy. They’re not as funny as Monty Python or Fawlty Towers. I’m allowed to watch that even though he swears in it, but it’s hilarious, we all laughed at John Cleese doing that funny walk thing, his legs are so long and skinny. I thought he was going to hit someone in the face and he’s so rude to people I wouldn’t like to stay there. He’s horrid to Manuel, he can’t help it if he can’t speak English very well, he’s from Barcelona after all. That’s in northern Spain, I looked it up in the small atlas but it isn’t the capital, Madrid is. I don’t want to go to Spain because they fight bulls and it never really seems fair, I always want the bulls to win but they never do.15

Loads of people I school have huge donkeys from Spain, some of them wear big hats and others have plastic flowers sticking out of their mouths. I’d love one but all I’ve got from Spain is a fan with pictures of a lady with black hair and a red frilled dress and some black wooden castanets. They’re really hard to play, I can make some sort of clip clap noise which mum says is enough, but I would like to be able to do all that stampy dancing with those men in tight black trousers and funny hats. I had a go in my bedroom but mum shouted up the stairs for me to stop, she said it sounded like a herd of elephants were going to come through the ceiling and if I didn’t, my castanets would end up on the fire.16

I finished reading about Oliver Cromwell and most of my Christmas books too. I always get the Beano, the Dandy and the Blue Peter annuals and usually finish reading them before New Year’s Eve. Had some money so I might go into town with Phoebe and buy some more books if there are any in Smiths sale. Phoebe says her mum always buys her cards, paper and labels in the sales, saves her a fortune. No wonder their house is more modern than ours, they’ve even got central heating and a phone, we’ve got coal and electric fires. My bedroom’s freezing but Phoebe always wakes up warm and she doesn’t have to share with anyone. I have my rotten snoring sister.