End of the line

Sometimes things move so slowly that they seem totally stationary. Some such things are the earth, ship sailing at the horizon, the queue Akhan was in…1

Akhan stared at the cash counter. So close, yet so far. He had been in the line for the past half an hour and it seemed he was still where he started. Only now, there were a number of people behind him as well, trying in vain to make him feel that he was moving forward in the line. There seemed to be some problem with the man at the front of the queue. There had to be. Otherwise the line wouldn’t be this stagnant. People get dumber and dumber as they get richer, Akhan thought. He himself was by no means rich, so he must be pretty clever, he thought. He threw a glance at the rich people around him in the bank. If only he were as rich, he would never have been here. Outside, heavy clouds loomed, threatening to deliver a heavy rain. The events of the previous day flooded his mind. His legs felt weak.2

“She should have continued the medication. We told you it was important.” The doctor said with concern.3

“I didn't know it was that important. She never told me she was weak.”Akhan tried to state his case. He didn't want to tell the doctor the truth. If only he could have afforded the medication!4

“Believe me Mr. Akhan. It’s a miracle that the baby is still alive. Your wife is so weak that she can’t bear the baby anymore. If the baby stays any longer, it not only reduces the chance of its own survival, but also puts your wife in grave danger. You should've taken better care of your wife”.5

"I couldn't afford the medication doctor! I tried but couldn't. If only I knew how critical that medication was, I would surely have provided it to her however possible. I love my wife very much doctor! Please save her. I'll buy whatever medication she needs. Please don't let her die!"6

“You don't understand the gravity of the situation Mr.Akhan. The damage has already been done. It is now too late for medications. I’m sorry Mr.Akhan. I’m afraid a surgery is inevitable. The earlier, the more successful. I understand that you have difficulty arranging funds but I can help you only as a doctor. This is not my hospital and I'm in no position to help you financially. I can only wish you good luck and pray for you. Please arrange the funds as soon as possible."7

The money needed for the surgery was more than ten times his monthly salary. He had no place to go and no one to ask. The only way he could arrange that large a sum was if he robbed a bank, and that was exactly why he was here at the bank now. 8

The man at the front of the line came out swearing. The queue started moving. As he inched towards the counter, Akhan felt the knife in his pocket and his stupidity in his heart. It felt so small and weak. He hoped this knife would be sufficient. He hoped that his wife did not need the surgery. He hoped he could have afforded the medication. Not many hopes are fulfilled, are they? 9

A thunder rumbled outside. Akhan found himself shaking. He was at the counter. The fingers fumbled in the pocket,around the knife, trying not to find it, but everywhere they moved they found the knife. The clerk glared at Akhan impatiently not knowing that this was going to be one of the unforgettable days in his life. Akhan was trying in vain to see with his eyes burning with sweat in them. At last, bringing up the courage, his fingers held the handle of the knife and started pulling it out of its hideout. He had prepared a lot of times on how to announce the robbery. Now the time had come to put his preparations to practice. 10

"Everybody down! This is a fucking Stickup!"11

The clerk at the counter was terrified. Everywhere around him people were going down. Akhan stared at them uncomprehending. Then the voice came again.12

" Hey you jackass! Down! Now!"13

Akhan stared at him. There he was, at the entrance door, with a mask on his face and a gun in his hand. Tears started rolling down Akhan's cheek. He felt relieved. Immensely relieved. Quietly, he bowed down. It started to rain.

Author notes

This is my first attempt at a sad story. "Its BANANA'S. B A N A N A" And by the way, my fav color is Red! I've read the rules, Val!

A contest entry

Anything is appreciated...

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    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
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Comments

1 - 23 of 23

  • TommyTRASH
    April 1
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    Whey this was awesome
    I loved the little twist at the end!!

    Thanks for entering.


  • LostSoulOfRage
    September 28, 2008

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    Awww, dude this was so sad! I love it! Really great job! Thanks for wntering the contest!

    -LostSoul


  • Just Breathe.
    September 25, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    This great, made my eyes watery. Good luck in my contest!


    • Kirin
      September 26, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      Glad you liked it! Thank you for hosting!!


  • Mel-the-Believer
    September 22, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    This was really great. Thank you so much for entering. I loved it. I really did. Thank you so much for entering. Good luck. God Bless!


    • Kirin
      September 22, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      Thank you Mel! Glad you liked it. May you have tough time judging


  • Melancholic Smile
    September 22, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    This is a good write, you have mixed some subtle humour in the beginning with a sad subject then a little bit of crime and when I got to the end I wanted to read more! It was a good ending that I actually didnt see coming but I'm all intrigued now about whats going to happen - will they get the money, will his wife be ok? I want to know!! Thanks for entering my contest this is a good short story

    • Kirin
      September 22, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      Thank you very much for commenting and the applause. I just wanted it that way: to let the readers make their own assumptions. Thanks for hosting the contest!!


  • cole3313
    September 19, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Wow interesting. I wonder whats gonna happen to his wife...


  • LittleMissChrissie
    September 19, 2008

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    Amazing


    You did pretty much everything I asked you to with this contest. You made me laugh with your first few lines, and the rest of the story verrry nearly made me cry. I think you really wrote an excellent story with this and I loved reading it. A very good ending as well.

    I wish you the very best of luck with the competition.

    Chrissie


    • Kirin
      September 19, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      Thanks Chrissie for reading, commenting and the applause. Glad you liked it. May you get some great entries!

  • Elphinstone
    September 16, 2008

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    ahh

    that was a really well writen story, and everything was done well and everything, but it really isnt what im looking for in this contest. Despite that, it really was (ever the old cliche) a very good piece of writing, which deserves to win something. Keep up the good work

    • Kirin
      September 16, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      Hmmm! *bows his head sadly and, surprisingly sees a coin on the ground. Bends down to take it, and straightens up, only to find a truck rushing at him at full speed* I'm that lucky! Why did have to happen to me?!
      lol Just kidding Thank you for reading and commenting the story. Glad you liked it. Thank you for being so kind. May you get some great entries and have a tough time with judging


  • Valkyrie silver member
    September 7, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Wow, that poor guy can't win for losing. You wrote a kind of helplessness, predetermination, into his story there.
    I also liked how it wasn't him shouting about the robbery, but I wasn't aware of that for another couple lines. That was a nice twist.
    "trying in vain to make him feel that he was moving forward in the line." - HAHAHA! That was an awesome image!
    P5 needs a period at the end of the last sentence.
    P14 a mask on his face, probably, not in it
    Thanks so much for sharing your story in my contest. Good luck.

    • Kirin
      September 7, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      Thank you Val, for reading commenting and applauding my story. Happy to see someone reading the story keenly. I appreciate it. Thank you for pointing out the mistakes. I'm on my way to correct them. May you get great entries in your contest!!


  • perfect paradox
    September 4, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Wow, this is a pretty depressing story. I really want to hear what happens to Akhan's wife!

    Some itches I had were:

    Sometimes you have some minor grammar issues, like forgetting to put a space between words or after a period. Try scanning through and finding those.

    Also, I don't really get the ending. I thought that Akhan would be better prepared for a robbery and why didn't he just borrow some from a friend? The situation is a little confusing.

    Other than that, this is a really good story. I really feel sorry for Akhan and his situations!

    Thanks for entering my contest and good luck! :]

    Cheers,

    Sk

    • Kirin
      September 4, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      Hi SK.. Thanks for reading and commenting on my story. I've run through the story so many times that I'm now blind to mistakes. I'd be grateful if you pointed them out.
      Regarding weapon thing: Akhan was never prepared for the robbery. He had chosen robbery only because of his and his friends' inability to produce such a huge amount. I should've made that clear.
      A person knowing nothing about a robbery would think a knife would suffice, or so I thought. Even if he knew he needed a gun, where and how would he get one? This is a desperate attempt by a poor man to save his wife. Thank you very much for reading the story keenly. I appreciate it. May you get great entries in ur contest!!

  • KarlineKelton
    August 21, 2008

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    Great Story!Surprising...

    Kirin,I realy love it. It had a surpring end that made me be totally vunerable to Akhan's character. I'm curious to know what happened to his wife and child as well...I'm very glad that you placed Akhan on the edge as far as he could go and them brought him back giving him a second chance. Love the description of the line too. You know, I also have a shortstory in this site with the same title, but it's different than yours. It talks about the desperation of a man who lost his wife and can't cope. It's funny how we use the same title and our characters are so different and went on completly different directions. Check it out if you have the time...I don't have points to give and I don't know how to give points away but would love to hear your input. CONGRATS! GREAT STORY!!!
    KarlineKelton

    beginning: 5, language: 3, plot: 4, ending: 5, dialog: 2, characters: 3.

    • Kirin
      August 22, 2008
      Edit | Reply

      Thanks an awful lot!!!!

      Thank you very much... I am really glad u love it. I would love to read your short story.. Well, the points you gave and you could give me are minuscule compared to the boost you gave to my confidence. Thanks a lot! I'm on my way to visit your End of the line


  • Six-Feet-Underwater
    August 21, 2008

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    Aww...this is such a sweet story, well sweet that he was so willing to help his family. But it's interesting to say the least.

    I feel bad for Akhan, he must have been desprate to even think about robbing a bank. I liked the description at the beginnig about line and how it never seemed to move. It's a good story and you're a great writer. Excellent.


    • Kirin
      August 22, 2008
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      Thank you Lola... You have no idea how happy n confident you made me.. Thank you very much...


  • Andy Stephenson gold member
    August 20, 2008

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    This is very sad.

    Akhan didn't get to rob the bank? Do his wife and child die? Does he get killed in the robbery? You left me with all these questions. I'm cliffhanged! Are you going to do a sequel?

    This seemed pretty well written, but there were a couple of spots that I wasn't certain about grammatically.

    This story was both interesting and entertaining.

    Andy

    • Kirin
      August 20, 2008
      Edit | Reply

      I'm grateful

      Thank you Andy. I really appreciate that. No I don't want to do a sequel. If you say it is good then I don't wanna spoil the feel. Thank you for your comments. If you would point out those couple of spots, I'd try to correct them. Thank you again for being such a wonderful helpful person.

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