I was running again, only there weren’t any details. Shadows ran with me in a tunnel, but I knew I was still running in the alley. Beside me, a non-shadow loped on four legs. I relaxed as I recognized Dugan as my shadow.1
We continued running through the alley. I could hear the pounding footfalls of our pursuers closing in on us. Dugan stopped unexpectedly. He whimpered as my steps faltered. I could feel my heart beating like a fully automatic machine gun with the trigger stuck. It felt like my legs were being weighed down by unseen hands, holding me back. My only security was the dog sitting beside me. Sweat dripped down my temples and between my shoulder blades.2
My breath was coming in gasps that clouded my hearing, and I lost the rhythm of my pursuers running. When I stopped, Dugan started barking furiously at the shadows behind us.3
I sat up in the hotel bed and the covers fell to my lap. Kale must have covered me up earlier. Dugan was prancing by the door and barking. There was no sign of Kale.4
“Ok boy,“ I said, shaking my head to clear the dream away. “Let’s take you out.”5
Kale walked through the door with two big sacks in his arms at that moment. I wanted to find out what he had bought, but Dugan barked and whined again.6
“Sorry boy.” Then to Kale, “I’ll be right back.” I left without waiting for an answer.7
***8
Kale had been busy that afternoon and it was evident just how busy. I hated how he still knew my size and what I liked. After a year you would think he’d have forgotten.9
When Dugan and I had returned to the room, Kale had laid out a breakfast of sorts, donuts, milk and Micky D’s egg MCmuffins.10
We ate in silence, with Dugan wolfing down anything we fed him. I smiled; the dog could eat.11
Kale broke the silence first. “Called Sunsaray earlier.”12
“Hmm…” I grumbled around my breakfast.13
“Yeah, so Ahbree’s still listening. Looks like another Closer picked up your car, so the police have no way of knowing your were at the safehouse.”14
“That’s good to hear. I don’t know how I’m going to get out of taking the rap for the penthouse though.”15
“Sunsaray will figure out something,” he replied softly.16
“You’ve a lot of faith in her,” I pointed out. “I don’t even think she could cover this one up.”17
“You never know.”18
“Whatever. What I want to know is how the cops knew to come?” I pointed a half eaten donut at him. “The neighbors under the Grossmans were still sleeping when I ran through their apartment, so it wasn’t them.” I paused to take a drink of the milk Kale had brought. 19
“If it wasn’t the downstairs neighbors and it obliviously wasn’t the Grossmans, could it have been the doorman?” Kale asked, talking around a bite of biscuit.20
“I don’t think so. He was snoring when I first went up.”21
“And coming back down?”22
I sipped the milk again. “He was aware that something had happened. He checked the elevator thoroughly, but I’m not sure he really knew who or what he was searching for.”23
“Ok.” Kale wiped his hands on a flimsy yellow napkin. I watched as he shredded it. “List possible callers.”24
“Neighbors, doorman,” I shook my head, “and anyone at headquarters, but that doesn’t make sense.”25
“What doesn’t?” Kale asked while picking up wrappers. Mr. clean, still.26
“Why would headquarters want me caught?” I asked, wadding up a wrapper and throwing it at him. He caught it like old times.27
“You’re jumping to conclusions without any evidence.” Kale dumped the garbage in the gray container by the door.28
I readjusted my sloppy ponytail. Kale sat back down and popped the top off a Styrofoam cup. The deep, rich scent of coffee saturated the air.29
“Am I? Look at it from where I’m sitting. The job was flawless. I get there, without meeting or seeing any traffic. My car is nondescript and parked legally, not drawing attention. I entered the building.” Here I started to pace. Dugan whimpered while his brown eyes followed me.30
“The doorman was asleep. It was perfect, no lying, and no second-guessing. Smooth sailing up to the penthouse where I started the job.” I ticked off on my fingers. “Everything went according to training, until the cops show up unexpectedly.”31
“So, who knew you were headed there?”32
I continued to pace, while I answered. “The Caller, Sunsaray and the Navigator.” The Caller was the person who phoned when I job was needed and the Navigator was the person who left the address and directions to the job in the car.33
“Anyone else?” He asked, after taking a deep drink.34
“Hmm…whoever was monitoring the lines.” 35
“I guess that would be Ahbree.”36
I watched a scowl appear when he said Ahbree’s name. There was something there.37
“Tell me what you know of her,” I asked, as I swung the chair around. I rested my chin on my hands, which laid on the backrest.38
I had surprised him with the question. His pale blonde eyebrows rose as his lips pinched together. “Well,” he started reluctantly. “Quiet girl, she’s good with electronics and computers. She was training to be a closer.” He stopped there.39
“I feel a but here. Did she finish?”40
Kale pinched the bridge of his nose before replying, “No.”41
“Feels like there’s more to this story then what you are telling me.” I took his coffee from him. The warmth stung my fingers and the bitter taste made my stomach turn. I had forgotten he liked it black.42
“Sunsaray asked that I take over her training.” He looked down at his hands.43
I could feel the blood rushing to my cheeks and my heart started racing. “Let me guess: you slept with her. Things got so intense between the two of you that it pushed you into the sack.” I started pacing again. My fists clenched on their own and I knew my voice had risen, but couldn’t help it. It was us all over, how are relationship started.44
I rushed on. “Blow off a little steam! Sounds familiar, doesn’t it? This is just a little convenient. Does it happen with with your entire class of female students? Your special trainees? Man! I should have known.” I paused to catch my breath and then said the most hurtful statement I could think of. “You never meant that much to me anyways. I’m glad I ended it.” 45
Looking back, I probably could have said more hurtful things, but I was devastated. I had just realized I meant nothing to him. Just another easy screw.46
Without another word I grabbed the other sack Kale had brought in earlier and slammed the bathroom door. I leaned against it and slid down, burying my face in my hands to cry. I hadn’t realized it would hurt so much to find out Kale had moved on.47
“You were the one who left,” Kale mumbled through the door.48
Dugan whimpered and scratched at the door, until I turned on the water. I couldn’t hear him anymore. All I wanted was to be alone.49
In the sack I pulled out shampoo, conditioner and soap. My favorite kinds, I hated that Kale still remembered. I cried even more as the water washed over me.50
Author notes
I don't think I've done any of the edits. 
Sorry about that. I do intend to do them, I just must have gotten distracted.
In a list
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 11 of 11
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Another great chapter. Who can she trust? Hopefully, Kyle.
#5 shouldn't OK be Okay
#14 your were should be you were
#33 Is this supposed to be 1 job, or I job or a job?
#44 how [are] relationship started
should be our
#45 second line..Does it happen with with your entire class
Leave out one with
#50 Is she in the sack?
I'm enjoying your tale.
Trish
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Hey Brooke,
Is this a rewrite? I swear I've read and commented on it before. Anyway, I see Valkyrie and Irish have already done the heavy work and I have nothing to add. It's a good chapter and gives a nice run down on Raisa and Kale's past relationship, which doesn't really seem to be over for either of them. The emotions and dialogue work well and seem realistic
Steve
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Nope Steve, not a rewrite and I don't think you've read it before, unless you did and didn't comment. That doesn't sound like you. Maybe I've repeated something in this that makes it sound like it
Anyways thanks for reading
Brooke
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A bit of mystery and a bit of emotion. A good chapter - I like the subtle things that remind her of her past relationship with Kale. So many great things going on here. Lovin' it - sorry I'm so behind on reading it.
Notes:
* Para 1: "only there weren't any details." This makes it painfully obvious right from the beginning that she is dreaming. That might be exactly what you want - for readers to know she's dreaming. If you were trying to be more subtle and lend a stronger sense of stress and panic to the scene, however, you might consider making it seem more real at the beginning. Just a thought.
Also, dogs have "four" legs, not "for" legs.
* Para 2: "alley/tunnel" My suggestion - pick either "alley" or "tunnel" and go with it. Using a slash like that makes it look informal and like it belongs in a business memo, not a creative story. That's mostly my opinion, but it did interupt the flow for me.
* para 3: I think this would read better if you m oved the comma from after "in gasps" to a place after "my hearing." Also, the first and second sentences in this paragraph seem just a wee bit redundant - something to consider, anyways.
* Para 11: "We are in silence" - did you mean ate? Also, in the last sentence of this paragraph, try a semicolon instead of a comma. And I like that "wolfing down" is almost a borderline pun. *laughs*
* Para 17: You need a comma after "faith in her" instead of a period. Yay dialogue tags!
* Para 20: I think you're missing a period at the end of this sentence.
* Para 30: "saturated the air" - I like that - it's a great description!
* Para 32: Another / thingy. Just so you can reconsider it.
* Para 34: Use a period after "I answered" and capitalize "The Caller."
* Para 39: I'm terrible with the whole lay/lie/laid/lied etc thing, but I'm pretty sure "laid on the backrest" is incorrect. You'll have to look into that. *shrugs*
* Para 42: Capitalize "No."
* Para 45: What do you think of this punctuation: "Let me guess: you slept with her." Just a suggestion.
* Para 46: "with your entire female students?" I think it should either be "with all of your female students" or "with your entire class of female students." Also, "and the said" should be "and then said."
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Thanks for pointing those out and I will look at everything you've said. I am so behind in my editing it's painfully. But thank you for this. I think I stopped at Chapter 2 part 2.
Brooke
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Intense
I just how intense the story line became when Rasia realised Kale had slept with Ahbree. There was much anger in her heart.
I should have read this chapter before the next one you had written. I'm always doing that for some reason.
A couple of tpos, but can be easily fixed as Vakynie has pointed out, You must be in a rush to get your chapters finished.
Keep up the great work.
Julie
beginning: 4, language: 4, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 3, characters: 5.
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Great chapter here. We finally see a bit of their true character and personality. It was interesting how they seemed to be going back to a routine they were still comfortable with until the truth about Ahbree came out.
I take it that is how Raisa and Kale first got together as well? Is he with Sunsaray now? That would explain part of their phone conversation in the last part.
I like the breakdown of the beginning of the job to look for something missing. From the details it would appear that someone within the company would like her out of the way. So much for job security, eh?
Valkyrie covered the things I saw.
This story gets more interesting with each chapter part.
Well done, Brooke.
Let's see what comes up next.
Greg
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OK, read this already but it was cool...and if you missed Part 2 of Ch. 3...shame on you people!
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An excellent character piece here! Raisa shows a vulnerable side to her character that the reader can identify with. She'd tried to put Kale in the past, but being with him now has brought up all those emotions.
A good bit of mystery here as we try to unravel what happened at the scene. Looks like we have some suspects that wanted Raisa dead. I'm not sure I totally trust Kale either, but then I'm just naturally untrusting of ALL characters! lol
Nicely done, Brooke! Keep posting this!
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Finally, they're speaking to each other, but oopsie, that's not what Raisa wanted to hear, was it. Gah, men! Poor Kale, I've dropped him a few notches down again. He will have to work hard to redeem himself after this.
Let's see:
loped on for legs.
four?
Dugan stopped unexpectantly.
unexpectedly, I think you mean
He whimpered as my steps faltered. I could feel my heart beating like a machine gun with the trigger stuck.
so it's on full automatic, then, I presume. Machine guns can also be set to semi-automatic, which fires only three bullets at a time, no matter how long you hold the trigger.
My legs were being weighted down by unseen hands, holding me back.
so the hands are both weighting her down and holding her back. That sounded a little difficult for unseen hands.
My breath was coming in gasps, that clouded my hearing
a comma you don't need
Micky D’s egg MC muffins.
I think it's McMuffins
I smiled, the dog could eat.11
semicolon instead of comma; you've got two independent clauses there.
Kale broke the silence first. “Called Sunsaray earlier.”12
“Hmm…” I grumbled around my breakfast.13
taking the wrap for the penthouse
rap
“Sunsaray will figure out something,” he replied softly.16
“You’ve a lot of faith in her.”
Dude, did he sleep with Sunsaray too? Geez...
Grossman’s
Grossmans
I paused to take a drink of the milk Kale had brought
needs a period at the end
it obliviously wasn’t the Grossman’s,
obviously, Grossmans
chewing around a biscuit.21
Ok, this is terribly picky, but I think you chew on a biscuit and talk around it.
Here I start to pace. Dugan whimpers while his brown eyes follow me.
You've jumped into present tense here
“Tell me what you know of her?”
"Tell me" is an imperative sentence; doesn't need that question mark
I had surprised him with the question.
see above
I had forgotten he liked it black.
I'm amused by how she forgets things about him, but he remembers them about her, and yet they both still have strong feelings for each other.
“Sunsaray ask that I take over
asked
It was us all over again.
I wasn't sure which way you meant this; that they're fighting (maybe they fought as their relationship was breaking up), or merely the reference to how they got together in the first place.
“Blow off a little steam! Sounds familiar, doesn’t it? This is just a little convenient. Does it happen with your entire female students? Your special trainees? Man! I should have known.”
I wasn't sure who was talking here, for a few sentences. Maybe if you inserted "I rushed on", or "I continued" at or near the beginning of the paragraph. I think it should be its own paragraph, separate from the one above, but you've still got the same speaker.
Also, "entire female" sounds like, er, transvestites aren't his style.
I hated that Kale still remembered. I cried even more as the water washed over me.
Nice touch. I'm not sure I could use the stuff, in that situation. Maybe go out and squirt it in his eyes first.
All right, I'm on to the next part. I'm honestly baffled by how this dog suddenly likes Raisa so much, but then, I've never owned a dog, so their behavior is foreign to me. And I guess he just...doesn't belong to anyone? In a neighborhood full of families and their pet dogs? I guess he just has lots of friends and free food that way, though. -
this is so absoluly great write. You have a great thing going here. I love so much what your doing. Your story was absolutly great write you got going here. keep up the great work!
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