"I don't think this is a good idea," Jase said, eyes on Sharra. He knew his two male companions agreed. He folded his strong arms across his chest; his blue eyes held a bold finality that dared to be challenged. And challenge Sharra did.1
"You're not my boss anymore," she snapped, staring back with a smirk. "I'm a big girl, and if I say that I want to take this mission, you can't stop me."2
Jase heaved a great sigh, slumping in place. He unconsciously put a hand on the chair beside him.3
"Back me up, Richie," he pleaded to the dirty-blond man seated in the chair.4
Richie looked from Jase to Sharra, and back, blew stray hair from his face and stifled a laugh. "Hate to say it, Babe," he told Jase, "but when have you ever changed this chick's mind about something?"5
Noting the victory glint in Sharra's steel-grey eyes, Richie turned away from her and Jase and returned to his uncharacteristic silence. He didn't like the subject of this conversation at all, so he'd set up a little game to distract himself.6
He had a knife in his gloved left hand. With a flick of his wrist, the knife flew just over his boots (for he was reclined backwards, so his chair leaned back rather precariously), and buried itself in the wall, right in the face of a sketch of a masked man. Once it was lodged in place, he yanked on a small wire connecting one of his knuckles to the handle of the knife, and it came right back into his hand.7
Rinse and repeat. He always hit the same spot every time, despite the room's dim lighting conditions. Though Richie very much wanted to do this to the real man, the course of Sharra and Jase's argument thus far suggested that Sharra would be the one who'd get to do the honors.8
"Not that I'm saying you can stop me," Sharra continued after a length of silence (which was punctuated by the repeated thump of Richie's knife hitting the wall), "but why don't you want me to go? You know I can take care of myself." She gestured to the poster Richie was busy impaling, "You know I can take him out."9
Jase shook his head. "I know what you can do, but look what he can do! Not one Hunter who crossed blades with him has so much as lived to tell about it! All these—" Jase paused and threw an arm into the air, gesturing to the many posters depicting dangerous monsters, which were each marked with a red X to show that the beasts were dead, “—are nothing compared to him!”
"Once again," Sharra said, sounding irritated, "you state the obvious. I still say you’re overreacting, though. Remember who you're talking to."10
As if Jase could forget. Her eyes flashed yellow for a moment to underscore her point, to remind everyone that she was a demon.11
"Why do you want to do this so badly?" asked a low voice from the corner of the room. All heads turned to look at the man who had spoken. This was a rare event indeed.12
Satisfied with the attention, Xerlude pressed on. He stood upright and walked closer to Sharra, peering down at her through a thin veil of his earthy green hair. "This was Jase's idea. It's one of the few times that we know exactly where Seed is going to be. We have a chance to challenge him—to take him down, and you want to do it alone. Why?"13
This question snagged Richie's interest. He retrieved his knife and did not throw it again. The candle on the desk gave a staccato flicker; even the air seemed to still in wait for Sharra's answer. After a long pause, she sighed, lowering her gaze.14
"I know what I'm doing," she said, quiet at first but slowly finding her anger. "What would happen if you three went up against him now and got yourselves killed? You can't let that happen! You're the three best Hunters in the world. People talk about you constantly—even idolize you! You're all heroes! If you three take on Seed and lose, with you dies everyone's hope! What right would you have to take that away? You're all just selfish bastards!"15
Jase's firm gaze softened instantly at all the raw emotion in the other Hunter's voice. "Sharra," he began meekly, "I…"
She raised a hand to stop him. "No. I refuse to let this get any closer to cheesy."
Jase gave her a half-smile. "Can I at least say goodbye?"
"No," Sharra replied jokingly. "You are unworthy."
Richie got to his feet, hands on his hips and a smile on his face. "Snobby bitch."16
"Scrawny man-whore," Sharra fired back.
"Trollop."
"Fag."
"Ice queen."17
Sharra burst into laughter, and the boys followed suit. Their mirth was short-lived, however, and quickly faded into silence. Sharra made half a step forward, as if she were considering hugging Jase, but she changed her mind.18
“I’ll be fine,” she assured as she stepped away, hoping to calm Jase’s worries before they started again. “Just be sure to go see Jenn like we'd planned.”19
“Will do.” Jase replied.20
Sharra turned away and vanished with a lazy goodbye wave. “Later, boys.”21
That was the last time anyone saw her alive.
Author notes
This is the prologue of my other relatively large story-project.
Chapter 1 is, unfortunately, stuck in place. I know this is kinda confusing, but it'll get better! I hope!
Sharra and Jenn belong to Purple Ice 13 and Vanillalace6661, respectively.
In a list
How was it?
Comments
1 - 16 of 16
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It's such a good beginning. I love your attention to detail and your characterizations. This has the makings to be an epic and I absolutely can't wait to read more. Excellent, excellent work.
~Mab
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Hmm, I still don't know very much about Sharra, so this scene is helpful, though the ending makes it sound like there won't be anymore, which.. I doubt, I can't see her not making a reappearance. Also, Xerlude's green hair = instant win
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cool, it's a good starting. The last line is pretty dramatic which really keeps the interest going. Hope there's more to it.
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I'm intrigued. o.o
Your characters confuse me a bit, just because they kind of jump around, but I'd like to read more when it's not sitting idly and all that jazz.
-Sarah.
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wow. This is great wesley!!! Keep it going! I have to read more. let me know when you add more!
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So, I totally had a long comment typed out and then, refreshed (like a dipshit) to read a message and lost it. v.v
In paragraph two you use 'snaped' instead of 'snapped'.
Not bad. I would like to see a little more fleshing out of these characters, but, I would imagine as this is just the prologue, that probably happens later on.
One thing you could work on is your descriptions/imagery.
For, though this was pretty interesting and it definitely drew you in, it lacked in the imagery department and, truly, even the characters weren't described much.
I can understand if, at this stage you're just trying to draw people in and get the ball rolling on the story, but, regardless, I think a little more detail, a bit more description, would even it all out and make this far superior.
But, overall, it was pretty good.
Your characters seem to have the potential to be very intriguing, and I'd be interested to see what happens next/where this all goes.
Keep it up. ^^
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Hey you
First chapter go where?
Did you eat it again?
I was hungry to eat it.
You know I love your writing...
It's so yummy...
I love this story, so get with the writing!
Please-ish?
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Here's some teeth gnashing: Show, don't tell.
Example:
Telling:
Jase said, voicing a concern he shared with his two male companions.
Possible alternative that's all glorious showing, with a tad telling:
Jase said, eyes on Sharra. He already knew the other two agreed.
It's not even as much showing vs telling, as awkward formality and puffed up phraseology. Look:
"You're not my boss anymore," was her reply. [awkward grammatically] She countered his authoritative stare [the narrator informing the reader that it's "authoratative" rather than letting the reader come to that conclusion via some good context/description. It's annoying] with a defying [why even say it's "defying"? It's been made clear she's challenging him. Defying as opposed to what? A humble smirk? You're saying "White snow" here. Redundancies eat literary babies and puppies] smirk.
I see a revision of this as:
"You're not my boss anymore," she snapped, staring back with a smirk.
Same meaning, sharper and cleared and more immediate. If you're having an argument/fight narration, make the action/dialogue sentences shorter
to speed up the read and create the illusion of them being snapped out fast.
And above all, avoid redundancies!
"a single knife"
As opposed to what? "a non-single knife"? Unless you're refering to the knife's marital status, I'm thinking "a knife" works.
If the word isn't directly contributing to the story or adding something new, then kick the leech to the street.
Just some thoughts. Good luck and keep typing!
Nocturn
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*shudder-shudder* I never read demon stories. I'm a wimp about them (: This was really sinister. But still good.
And if I didn't know what you could do with words, I would give you three applause but I do so you get two
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Dialogue's always been an awkward part of storywriting for me so I really overlove the fluidity of your characters' conversations. They're developed really well in a short amount of space. Now that's graceful.
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Did you edit this since you showed it to me?
Probably not. You know how terrible my memory is.
It's very good, still.
Of course. It's you.
Brilliant, as always.
I will be very upset with you if you don't update soon. >.>
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really caught my attention. keep up the good work
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Definitely captures the attention. I love how you stop the sappy talk right before it could get cliche. XD
Well you have quirky dialog (which is good) and details that help create an image of this scene.
My only suggestion-- fix your spacing! lol It distracted me, when I noticed some of the spaces between paragraphs were missing. (This mainly happened between 14 and 16)
Let me know when the next is up.
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Hmmm, interesting...
Your characters are well developed already, which is good, but remember that you can still develop a character after their death. You may want to do this, as there are aspects of the characters (and especially Shara) that are still unknown, or unclear to the reader.
Grammar and spelling were well done, and it also has a good theme.
This story has great potential Wes... it's intriguing and quite alluring.
Keep it up,
xoxox.
Kevan.
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Very Nice
Damn I wish I could write like that.
I look forward to more installments.
You and you're damn cliffhangers.
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Yeeee!
FINISH THE FIRST CHAPTER OR I EAT YOU!.
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