1
I walked down the corridor in ever-cringing fear as I was still dazed by my unknown assailant. I felt my neck, blood had stained my hand. My heart made my chest throbbed with its intense speed. I could barely see the end of the hall. I collapsed on to the floor the stone was cold against my fingers. I could smell fresh air as I continued to crawl I pulled my body towards the stench of shore water. My blonde hair dangling in front of my face I continued to drag my body my eyes watering with tears as the stone sheared my skin the small grab I had on torn beyond repair. Finally I reached the balcony I pulled myself upon the banister I saw no ground, but endless water in its place. I sat upon the banister of the balcony backwards. I placed my hands across my chest that still throbbed with pain. I leaned backwards my stomach seemed to move on its own as I fell.
The castle became small and smaller my mind soared with relief as I heard the wind howl as it passed my ears I closed my eyes as I waited for the water to take me whole. I felt the rush of icy cold searing pain penetrate my entire body. My eyes could do nothing else but close as I fell into a painless soft sleep 2
I awoke on the tied and breathing I waited as my eyes adjusted to the scenery. My vision became crystal. Two men sat sound a fire eating what appeared to be of fish. Then I noticed something a sound not loud or to soft but what seemed to be pleasure to my ears my stomach growled as the beating continued. I opened my mouth slowly.
“Food……please I need food,” I said as the beating continued to entice my stomach. The men just stared and laugh. One then stood up he sat in front of me as I stood tied to the tree branch above me. He placed his hand against my thigh. He had begun to move it further up. Instinctively my leg kicked him in the face. He fell backwards I heard the other men laugh. The man in front of me sat up; his hand to his lip. His fingers covered with blood. My senses where drawn the smell, the color, the pounding of what I figured to be their hearts. Why was I drawn to these things? Then I felt in my mouth two sharp fangs had been formed the man came closer only enticing my hunger with his busted lip. I turned my head to lure him.
He grabbed my jaw and turned it back towards him. I had begun to pull on the ropes above me with ease feeling it pull apart. He came closer to kiss me. He shoved his tongue into my mouth.. I teased him until his tongue felt mine then I bit it with all my might. The sweet taste of blood filled my mouth I swallowed as my instincts told to. The thick blood oozed down my throat filling me with pleasure beyond my imagination. The thirst could not be quelled. I continued to swallow as I held in his screams. I kept his arms around me to bring no alarm to the other. I snapped the rope quickly I withdrew his sword to make It seem as if he’d cut them it. I had placed the blade onto the ground. He fell unconscious from the pain. I removed our mouths now that my stomach had been feed. My body wanted its turn.
3
I bared my fangs and bet into his neck piercing the vein located there. As if I knew it would be there. The blood was sucked into my teeth it was even better then drinking. I felt rush to my brain rekindling my motor function to peak form it soothing my body of all it pains and worries. There was no longer two different beats only one now. I turn he stood there with sword in hand he’d seen me feeding though I doubt he knew what truly was a vampire, but to him I was a monster something that dissevered to die. My instincts made me leap to him. I landed, but somehow his sword had pieced my left breast to the hilt. He let go of his sword, but my body told me to continue to feed I lounge onto him, and I bit his neck as well finally my body no longer called for blood but if the chance for it arises no doubt it would surely take it. I felt the blade poking out through my back. I placed my hand onto my hilt I pulled it. The feeling of it slicing through me was felt throughout my body. I threw the sword to the ground. I pulled the shoulder off of me torn and ragged blouse. The wound upon my breast had begun to heal I felt my bone putting themselves back together. I begun to take off the rest of the clothes I had on I had then stepped into the water to clean the blood from my body. The cold water no longer felt painful but quite relaxing I dipped my head into the water. I rose back up and wiped the water from my face with my hands. I stepped back up on the shore. I removed the clothes of the two men not stained with blood. I disposed of their bodies into the open sea. I changed into their tunic and pants and boots as well this would be quite heavy if I where a normal woman.
“Now what could this cruel world hold for a vampire, after it has destroyed me as a human...and a women,” I said to break the lowly silence of the shore as I began to walk In the trail to Ambougoud my hometown. 4
A contest entry
- Vampires XD by DeathNoteYaoi.
240 points, ended October 13, 2008, 19 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Sci-Fi or Fantasy by Lithron.
175 points, ended December 28, 2008, 14 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Pre-Written Bests! by Dreama.
350 points, ended February 12, 38 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - From Fantasy 2 Erotica. You Name it. You write, I read!!! by Ashlyn Rose.
115 points, ended March 28, 15 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Worst. Contest. Ever. by WritersEffigy.
150 points, ended June 12, 46 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Anything and Everything by amanda vampiress.
350 points, ends November 25, 169 entries
• next story in this contest, • Add to finalists list, or remove from contest
just tell me if you like it or not
Comments
1 - 12 of 12
-
I have read this before and the story is good it just needs to be edited.
beginning: 5, language: 4, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
-
I admit that vampire stories are not one of my strong points when it comes to commenting because I generally don't read them.
Having said that, I found this to be a good tale and it held my interest throughout.
Reading the story was slightly difficult due to the long paragraphs. Instead of three long paragraphs I wouls like to suggest that you shorten them; perhaps six or seven shorter, more sharp paragraphs will lure more readers.
There are only two pieces of dialogue in the story and I suggest these should have their own seperate paragraphs so they stand out more.
The story itself is good and Melancholy Smile has already gone through the bits that require editing. This is well told, but requires some better formatting to make it easier to read.
-
I never usually read anything to do with vampires etc as it isn't a genre I particularly enjoy, but as this was on the reading list I thought I'd check it out. There are quite a lot of grammar and spelling errors that I noticed and I've tried to list as many corrections that I would make if I were you below. The story itself held my attention and was a good idea for a nice short piece. I liked the attention you paid to details especially at the start and set the scene well. This will flow so much better once the grammar has been corrected but overall I think it's a great idea and even not being a fan of vampire stories I enjoyed this enough to read a 2nd part if you choose to write one
Here is a list of grammar/spelling corrections which I would make:
1st paragraph: should be throb not throbbed.
I collapsed onto the floor and the stone or I collapsed onto the floor; the stone
I could smell fresh air as I continued to crawl, pulling my body towards the stench of shore water.
As my blonde hair dangled in front of my face, I continued to drag my body. My eyes were watering with tears as the stone sheared my skin; the small grab I had on torn beyond repair.
Finally I reached the balcony.
I sat upon the banister of the balcony backwards and placed
The castle became small and smaller, my mind soared with relief as I heard the wind howl as it passed my ears;
I awoke on the tied - tide? tired?
I awoke on the tied and breathing and waited until my eyes adjusted to the scenery.
Two men sat round a fire
Then I noticed a sound not loud or to soft; but what seemed to be pleasure to my ears, as my stomach growled and the beating continued.
2nd paragraph: My senses were drawn to the smell,
I suddenly became aware of what felt like two sharp fangs in my mouth as the man came closer, only enticing my hunger with his busted lip.
3rd para: I snapped the rope and quickly withdrew
I removed our mouths now that my stomach had been fed.
4th para: I bared my fangs and bit
The blood that was sucked into my teeth was even better then drinking.
I felt the rush to my brain rekindling my motor function to peak form, soothing my body of all it pains and worries.
I turned and he stood there with sword in hand. He’d seen me feeding though I doubt he knew what I was truly a vampire, but to him I was a monster something that deserved to die.
somehow his sword had pierced
He let go of his sword, but as my body told me to continue to feed I lunged onto him and bit his neck as well. Finally my body no longer called for blood, although if the chance for more arose it would surely take it.
I pulled the shoulder off of my torn and ragged blouse.
The wound upon my breast had begun to heal and I felt my bones putting themselves back together.
I begun to take off the rest of the clothes I had on before stepping into the water to clean the blood from my body.
The cold water no longer felt painful but quite relaxing as I dipped my head into the water.
I removed the clothes of the two men not stained with blood and disposed of their bodies into the open sea.
I changed into their tunic and pants and boots which I guess would be quite heavy if I were a normal woman.
“Now what could this cruel would - world? - hold
-
Thats so kool i like the plot to this story
-
Oooh, just out of curiosity, why is my name in the collab list? Could you please remove that?
-
Very interesting. It needs a bit of work to read smoother and you might want to remove the extraneous words but on the whole a good read.
beginning: 5, language: 4, plot: 4, ending: 5, dialog: 4, characters: 5.
-
Interusting. In the last paragraph, there should be a coma between Ambougoud and my. Other then that, work a little on format, and you have a very good story. Not exactly my thing, but good. Thanks for entering and good luck in the contest.
-
I love it! Very good and descriptive. I hope there's going to be more too! *prays*
-
Great Story i think it was very good plot Great job is here going to be more? i hope so XD
*brid* DNY--
-
wow
im totally speechless
keep it up xD ! -
"My heart made my chest throbbed with its intense speed. " Here, change "throbbed" to "throb".
"My heart made my chest throbbed with its intense speed. " Is a run on sentence. Basically needs a full stop or something to break it up.
"The castle became small and smaller my mind soared with relief as I heard the wind howl as it passed my ears I closed my eyes as I waited for the water to take me whole." Again, a whole sentence that is actually four sentences. Needs a full stop. o__o
"I felt rush to my brain rekindling my motor function to peak form it soothing my body of all it pains and worries." Awkward phrasing
Hm...interesting plot. I'd say to copy paste this int MS word. It will spot most errors.xD
I like the plot of this. Very creative. XD
-HT
-
I liked this a lot Itachi! Some grammar problems but other than that I quite liked the plot. Great job!
Adding your comment:
1 - 12 of 12
