Keeping the Dream

He was a young man in the last year of school; he had taken GCSE s and was revising for his ‘A’ levels. He had noticed Her for really the first time at the beginning of term. SHE had always been there but she was quiet and usually in the company, if not actually a ‘member’ of the Bitch Queens. The BQ s were clever and knew it. They did not have to work too hard to achieve, and they ruthlessly put down anyone who criticised them or did not match their style or ideal, (which was just about everyone else). SHE however, was not like that. She was quiet, studious and brilliant at not getting roped into the bitching or slanging matches. She was about five foot four inches, slim and, although not a raving beauty, she had a certain something that caught the eye and kept it. She had short, dark chestnut hair and large eyes the colour of rich chocolate. They were the sort of eyes a man could drown in and not care and when enhanced by a warm smile she became a rare splash of colour in an otherwise monochrome world.1

He was enamoured but his time was running out. For the last eight weeks he had been building up his courage to ask her out. The trouble was he was the class clown. He was considered a non-entity, a waste of space and was often the target of verbal abuse but he was funny. Always ready with a joke or quip he could often lighten the darkest of moods and lift the heaviest of spirits.2

He was in the common room with friends pretending to study when She walked in and sat across the room with her friends. He looked at her over the top of his physics book and made a decision; it was now or never.3

“Here goes nothing”, he thought and stood up. Suddenly the intervening gap between then seemed huge. He set out on the mammoth trek across the room, it must be at least three miles but he carried on. Battling a lack of self-confidence, nerves and a growing feeling of impending doom he soldiered on. Arriving at his possible Shangri La he drew breath ready to make his historical request.4

“What do you want you retard?” said a soft but dangerous voice. Oh! No it was the Queen Bitch herself. Queen Bitch of the Bitch Queens, a girl who’s eyes looked daggers; whose lips dripped venom and whose mind was a boiling cauldron of vitriol waiting to be poured onto anyone unfortunate enough to get within range. He realised that he had stepped into their territory for there they all were. Apart from her imperial highness there was her best friend the over-fiend or second in command of the BQ s then there was the inner circle ‘gang of four’ and finally the tribe; those hangers on who wanted to be ‘in’ with the ‘in crowd’. Occasionally a group would cross swords with the Bitch Queens and try to usurp their dominance but the gang of four would close ranks and with the over-fiend and would set about systematically reducing these ‘pretenders to the thrown’ to quivering heaps and if it started to take too long then Queen Bitch herself would step in and it was then always ‘game over’.5

“Well? Is your mind taking a run up to try to do something amazing – like thinking?” The voice was silky smooth, it was a case of ‘ “come into my parlour”, said the spider to the fly’, she was inviting a response, baiting him almost. The tribe looked on sensing sport ahead and sniggered at QB’s barbed humour. Over-fiend chimed in,6

“He did actually have a thought the other day, it made one in a row and he had to lie down!” More sniggering7

Queen Bitch: “ Well at least it was a personal best so don’t be too hard on him he’s only a male after all.”8

Gang of Four number one: “Technically speaking of course”9

G.o.F. number two: “His girlfriend (if he has one) must be stupid”10

G.o.F. number three: “or blind … or both”11

G.o.F. number four: “Her guide dog must be blind as well”12

Dutiful hoots and laughter issued from the tribe.13

He looked at Her and saw something in her expression but what? sympathy maybe?14

Tick …Time froze.15

In the space between the tick and the tock of transient time a revelation dawned upon him. He could put up with any amount of tongue lashing and he would happily stand in the meat grinder of their abuse if there was a chance of a positive outcome to his ‘Mission Impossible’ but as sure as night follows day sooner or later the guns would turn upon Her:16

“Oh! You poor cow, fancy having that after you”17

“Do you want a sick bag?”18

“Maybe you attract losers.”19

“You probably have a ming magnet on you to draw in all the mingers and he’s first”20

“You must be a member of the retard appreciation society”21

And so on. He heard it all in his mind.
This cannot be allowed to happen.22

Tock … Time kicked in again.23

“…Err … has the English homework got to be in by tomorrow or Friday?” He asked, knowing it was Friday.24

“Monday actually, you mental pygmy,” came the acidic response.25

He thanked them anyway and turned around to start the ten-mile route march back to the safety of the other side of the room. After a gruelling trek of eons – at least twenty seconds – he made it back and sat back down. He looked at Her again and his world imploded, inside he fell to bits but outwardly retained a blank countenance.26

“What was that all about?” asked his mate and the young man resorted to the only defence he had left and switched into clown mode.27

Later when everyone else had moved out to go to lessons, he was one of the last, just getting the final book into his bag when:28

“Are you alright?” It was Her. He felt light headed. “They were a bit mean, did you want anything else?” She asked.29

“Um! No, it’s okay”, he replied with but a momentary pause.30

“If you are sure then I will see you after lunch in maths.”31

“Right-oh! See you then then.” 32

And she left.33

Maybe he could have said something just then but the moment had gone. So he was left with what? A dream, but that was better than nothing because the dream was a perfection that reality could never hope to match.34

Author notes

I think the ending is a little weak but I could not think of a better wording. This is not my usual area for writing so I hope its at least passable. I could not think of a title either so I've stuck with the working title, any and all title suggestions welcome.

A contest entry

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Comments

1 - 13 of 13

  • Raeyle
    September 25
    Edit | Reply
    I will not get into the whole grammar and spelling and whatever other technicalities because I think the other comments have dealt with that in some form or fashion.
    For me, it was a pretty cool young, teenage, first love, first crush piece. It handled the divisions in the school pretty well. However, it may have spent more time exploring those divisions, and the embarrassments of those in the lower divisions than on the love aspect of the story. The story does get bogged down a bit with the QB and her followers. But one does get to see what inner qualities attracted him to her through this so it is not all in vain.

    All in all I think it was a pretty cool effort, in order for it to be a more mature romance piece i think it needs a bit more. But as a piece of teen fiction I think it does rather well.

    Keep on writing, never give up on it and God bless with your future writing.


  • dancer.
    August 30

    Edit | Reply
    Para. 1: He had noticed (her) the first time at the beginning ofthe term. -suggestion, error

    Para. 1: She had always been there(,) but was usually quiet and in the company, of not actually a 'member' of the Bitch Queens. -suggestion, error

    Paragraph 1 needs some work...it has quite a few awkward wordings and some errors. See if you can edit your own work...

    Your writing has quite dynamic details and I love how you play with all your idea. The whole part when he was walking over to talk to the girl he was crushing on was very well described.

    The Bitch Queen was absolutely life-like when she spoke to the poor boy. The whole conversation was life-like and that's what I love about your work...it just seems to remind me of the "bitch queens" at my school.

    In order to be a fabulous writer, which you are, you must also learn the art of editing...you might know and this be an un-edited piece, but it seems to me like you need to spend a little bit more time on re-reading your work.

    Hope this comment helped,
    dancer.

    • Tomereader
      August 30
      Edit | Reply
      Thank you. I tried to get into the role but it is a very long time since I was that age! One of the reasons for being on SW is to improve my punctuation skills, it is a weakness of mine so your comments help. I will attempt to go over this piece and hope to improve it a bit. (I wonder if I could find a secretary LOL)

  • Marta gold member
    August 30

    Edit | Reply
    you did capture the teen high school thing on spot. Others will talk to you about spags, i usually just concentrate on words used and how it reads and this sems passable enough although i would have tightened it more a bit, the girls were spot on with the cruelty and it was fun to read.

    beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.


  • MirrorIrorriM
    August 26
    Edit | Reply
    g1: *criticized
    last sentence is a bit confusing

    g4: "here goes nothing" is somewhat unnecessary. I think you can afford to excise it.

    g5: I think "What do you want, retard?" would be more concise and poisonous

    The last sentence is a run-on. Conjunction junction, what's your function...(except they also need a comma )

    g6: She isn't almost baiting him, she just is baiting him

    I thought that was good. Easily my favorite thing were the nicknames. I loved the nicknames.

    From a stylistic view point, there were lots of places that could have used commas and, yet, had no commas. So maybe a quick proof-read might fix that up.

    Other than that, the premise is excellent. Good job,
    -Mirror

    • Tomereader
      August 30
      Edit | Reply
      Thanks for the comments, I do agree with them to one extent or another and I appreciate you taking the time.


  • therenaissancegirl gold member
    August 26
    Edit | Reply

    Dear CCC Member,

    Those girls are mad bitchy! Like, seriously, if I ever had to meet girls like that it'd be going down in three seconds flat. They wouldn't even know what hit them.

    Bitches suck.

    Anyways, it was a realistic portrayal of clique boundaries and typical high school drama, and you were able to make us feel for the main character. Some things you need to watch out for, though:

    -Punctuation. Sometimes you leave out periods and commas, and other times they're misplaced. Go back and look for them.

    -Past and present tense. I do this sometimes, too, but it's a bad habit to get into. If you start off writing in the past tense, don't switch to the present. Keep it constant all the way through.

    Things I especially liked were your use of vocabulary (usurp is one of my favorite words ) and certain phrases you used: "mental pygmy" made me laugh, even if I hate mean girls

    Overall, it was a good story that could use a little bit of polishing up. Keep writing, keep reading, and keep improving!


    Renaissance

    • Tomereader
      August 30
      Edit | Reply
      Thank you for reading I am glad you enjoyed it. Thank you also for your comments I appreciate you taking the time to do so.


  • musical tai
    July 26

    Edit | Reply
    awww......i wanna cry 8*( This was such a sweet, yet sad story, it really sucks when you cant go out with the prsn u wanna go out with b cuz ppl will make fun of the other prsn 4 it.... i rlly liked this contest tho! good luck in the contest! keep writting!


  • Shimmerfairy
    October 21, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Awwww i feel so much sympathy for him!!! god i remember those classroom bitches...i was never one i tell you!!
    I loved it but i wish it had a happy ending lol, but i guess im just a softy for overcoming obstacles for love!!

  • Elphinstone
    September 28, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    I liked the ending, I think it wraps the whole thing up nicely. Very well written, keep up the good work. This was excellent, almost perfectly what I had in mind for my competition, if it had been a tad longer perhaps, it might have made it slightly better, but I'm not really sure what you could add to it. Hmm, anyways, well written

    • Tomereader
      October 1, 2008
      Edit | Reply

      Thank you

      ... for taking the time to comment and thank you for the Hon. mention. I did wonder if I could make it longer but then it might have lost some of its emotional flavour. Thanks again and all the best with your own writing.

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