You are alone, walking down a street late at night. Your car is waiting for you at least three blocks away, but it's dead. Suddenly you hear footsteps behind you. You pretend to look at a store window, thinking that the person will pass you but when you stop, the sound of the footsteps stop also.1
You start to walk faster, glancing over your shoulder but all you see is the hint of a shadow. As you start to walk faster yet, the footsteps behind you pick up. Your heart feels like it is going to pound out of your chest, as you feel arms grab your shoulders and spin you around in a daze. 2
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"Just get out of here and leave me alone," you scream. Looking around your tiny apartment, pieces of shattered glass are thrown around the room. This was your last straw.4
"Fine baby, but I will come back for you when you least expect it." He says with a slam of the door.5
********************6
Now you are faced with the eyes of your demon. Rage piercing through his body. Why did the car die tonight? You think to yourself as you feel your body being shoved into the alley and on to the ground. 7
"Forgive me, please, please, God forgive me," runs through your head as you know tonight will be your last.8
You feel the cold steal of a knife run over your neck. Before the point of the knife breaks your skin.9
"This is all your fault you, whore."10
The smell of whisky fills your nostrils as you feel the knife slid across your neck. Your world falls to black as the pain subsides. Your gone.11
Author notes
This isn't really a short story I know, but it's not a poem either and it's kinda long so I figured I'd give you the bonus points for a story if you read and critiqued it because I'm such a nice persons. Anyways this was just an exercise I did in my journal one day when I had writers block.
What did you think? Please comment!
Comments
1 - 8 of 8
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B
nice clarity of imagery.
only suggestions:
1. "This is all your fault you, whore."
should be "This is all your fault, you whore."
(because really, who pauses after you?)
2. "Your gone."
should be "You're gone."
keep on growing as a writer! -
Thanks nicci, I was almost surprised by this, I normally do write in first person because I always found it easier, but I was just working on expanding myself.
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eeek! Didn't expect this from you! I would catergorize this as a thriller! This got to me. although the ending was just a..ENDING..but i didn't have to think, I didn't come across thinking for reasons and such because..the 1st person was..GONE, the end. which is worked out great for this piece.
great work
-nicci -
oooh, i loved the 2nd person's pov. It's actually pretty hard to successfully and effectively write in that perspective. but you did a pretty damn good job.
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Excellent
Really powerfully written, awakening the pain and sickness within our society, telling how anger and jelouosy can lead to nasy and chilling ends.
Very vivid descriptions, charging the atmosphere with desperation and fear of a person lost to the horrors of realities sickness.
Excellent write so full on and deep. -
Good job auntie chelsea... I could see this in my mind as I was reading it!!! This is a very awesome write... It is kind of scary but still very well written....
Hugs,
Beth -
wow this was weird. I could see it happen. Good write.
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Oh, my! This is really creepy just to think of something like this happening. I've been very fortunate in my life, but I also learned at an early age that women who walk with confidence are less likely to be endangered by a predator. Of course, if you're the only woman out there, I guess you don't have very much to say about that.
This is a really good write, Chelsey. I enjoyed reading it. The suspense was quite irresistible. Great job! Hugs, Patricia
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