Stop A Bullet - Chapter Eleven

Stop A Bullet
Chapter Eleven1

“Forgive me please,” Ashley sobbed, his hands cupping my cheeks as he raised my face to his. 2

I had fallen apart, no one could stop me. I was in a rage, a fit, I was shattered, knacked and all I could think about was going home to curl up in my nice warm bed: still dreading the thoughts of consequences of my actions, but eager to escape my reality in the realm of dreams.3

“I need to go home,” I whimpered, sounding like a wounded dog. “I can't stay here, I can't stay anywhere.”4

It was the truth, the God, darn, honest, truth. I thought I had a home, a home away from the hell, shelter that I was raised in. I could have sworn that everything was going to be alright. I knew inside it wasn't, but at least I had Ashley and Mrs. Collinson on my side.5

Now as the minutes progress the realization hit that I really did have no idea, no home, no sanctuary and certainly no adults to prove to me that there was such thing as parental support.6

It wasn't even about the love anymore. 7

It was about the one place that I could go to and feel safe and now that to had been torn from me as a carcass would to a lion:Tearing of piece by piece, limb by limb until it had reached the core of my heart to be ripped into shards and scattered all over the place. 8

No one gave a damn, no one except for Ashley and even then I was starting to doubt his ability to be the shoulder I cried on, or the one rock in my life that would keep me stable, keep me grounded, and save me from loosing my marbles every time the world dumped its shit on me.9

Ashley lifted me up, his hands finding my shoulder as we both rose to our feet. The tears continuing the stream down our cheeks, our bodies trembling in unison.10

“I didn't think...” Ashley said, his words a splutter as he regained his composure, pressing himself against the wall for support. 11

He did not even bother to hold me strong this time, he was to weak, to fragile, to damage to even stand on his own to feet and I was plain selfish for ever thinking that he could; he was no more broken than I was.12

Mr. Collinson, the one man who I thought had enough strength and respect to hold his anger inside had shown me, proved to me, that all men where barbaric, fiends. Self-centered and narrow minded, uncaring and merciless to the new generation where children were no longer people, but objects.13

14


He had pulverized my faith, choked my courage, ruined my intentions and had slaughtered my beliefs that Ashley and I could ever be the closest of friends in his domain and still I had let him believe that I was something that I was most certainly not.15

It repressed me inside knowing that I had not spoken up, told him, made him see that I was not gay and never would be for as long as I lived. I was straight, just a normal heterosexual male. I did not even have a single intention of brainwashing Ashley, he did it all himself. Though maybe that was Mr. Collisons biggest fear. 16

He knew that Ashley was not straight and so he tried to make every excuse under the sun to make it seem as if it was someone else's problem. If it had not been me, I was sure it would have been someone else. It was the blame game and he had done it well, crushing me like an ant in the progress.17

I pulled away, the mucus dribbling down my nose and congesting my throat, causing me to cough and splutter myself as I bent over and released all the pain. My stomach burned, my knees where weaker than pick-up-sticks. I could feel the vomit churning inside my stomach, as it fired through my throat, the acid tasted burning my tongue while I heaved: what felt like my intestines spewing from inside of me. 18

I clutching my waist tightly, my hair sticky against my crackled, chapped lips. The mucus from my nose dribbling into my putrid mouth causing me to heave harder, the pain shredding through me as if I had swallowed a razor blade: cursing through my body with cruelty.19

“Taint,” Ashley cried, stumbling over to where my body was hunched on the steps of the hostel. 20

I could feel his fingers brushing back my hair as he held my hair back, allowing me to heave the last of my illness from within me, before I seized his arms, pulling myself into a standing position and looked him bluntly in the eyes, feeling nothing but plaintive, discomfort.21

“I need to go home, right now,”I demanded, unable to to keep myself from digging my nails deeper into the flesh of his shoulders. My arms quivering as I swallowed, regurgitating the malady that had taken over my body. 22

Ashley nodded, his head tilting to the side. He stood back from my vomit aking my hand in his. 23

“Alright I will take you home, I promise everything will be okay,” he reassured me, his fingers linking with mine. 24

I shook my head, though it was not the wisest idea. I knew that if I allowed him tot ake my hand that it meant I was giving into Mr. Collinsons accusations. There was no way that I could handle that. 25

The concept of attraction alone had got me caught up in this mess and if it had not been for Ashley's disrespect I might have well had a chance at sharing a nice breakfast with his family and even a relaxing, restful, day before I had to leave for home again.26

I had commiserated with his emotions, even overstepped the boundary of friendship with a tangible action of appreciation and curiosity. I wondered if that was why I felt the way I did at this moment in time. I had the lack of not only uncertainty but embitterment for Ashley at present. I dreaded the experience that I was undergoing, with every minute causing me more torment that I could fathom.27

I was in love with him, but we would never be. I wanted to be as far away as I possibly could from him, from his parents and the hostel and to the shocking point, I wanted to be as far away from myself as I could be.28

I had acknowledged ahead of time that upon my arrival back home, that I was no safer here than I was there. Only I knew what to expect and took it in like a breath of putrid, air, as I waited for it to fill my lungs and numb me from the world. 29

I professed what was coming for me. I saw no boggy-man, but the truth in my life. I could only learn so much in the small amount of time I had and accept that I was going to be damaged more so than ever before, before I stood my ground and accepted my fate.30

I was no human, no man, no boy. I had no life. I had no future. I was the object of a brutes frustration. A means in which to find his place in this holocaust of repetition and affliction. I was Taint wilberson, the only one who saw a future and now I saw nothing, but a black abyss of resentment, of anguish, of torment and maltreatment.31

I was no one, I was nothing and yet at the same time I was everything that shone normalcy. I was someone who knew that I stood a chance, but in the end what was a chance to me, when there was no escape.32

I was merely a experiment, a slave in a cage forced to watch as my world unfolded and backfired around me time and time again.33

I almost prayed that something would kill me. I wanted to die as I felt the illness shooting through me once again, causing my body to heave once more despite Ashley standing right beside me.34

My life was a blur, everything around me was black and white, putrid and simplistic. It was right in front of me and it always had been. Where I once would have had the courage to stand strong and be something. In the dull, bleak, shadow of depression I wished that I never knew I could be something, for knowing I would never be something would be far easier than knowing I was meant for more than this.35

Urging Ashley away from me, my senses turned cold as his finger unlined with mine. I pushed him away, shoving him hard against the wall of the hostel. My lips lined with vomit, the taste alone causing me to regurgitate with nearly every step that I took in advancement to leave the scene.36

Ashley stepped alongside me, not finding it hard at all to keep up with me at all. I could hear his whimpering, as he stood before me. His arms extended to keep me from stepping any further.37

“Don't do this alone,” he said, his voice sharp and demanding. “You can't do this alone, please let me help you.”38

I shook my head, the sight of him causing my eyes to burn viciously as I attempted to maneuver myself away from him. My mouth tasting foul, dehydration kicking in fast.39

“I don't need your help, I can fight my own fucking battles and it looks to me like you have enough shit on your plate. Fuck why did I ever think that you could help me?” I said, struggling against the guilt of my words, uncertain of why I felt the gnawing urge to punch him fair in his beautiful, face.40

“Taint, don't do this okay, I had no idea that my dad would treat you like this. You can't punish me for something I can not control. Do you want to be like Trey? Because the way you are acting right now is hurtful and heartless. I am your friend, you need me and there is no point in denying that need.”41

I stopped, my arms falling to my sides, my fist clenched and ready to fire the ball of rage right through the thick of his skin, hoping that maybe it might get the message through to him enough for him to back the fuck of and walk way, before I infected him more so than I already had.42

“Go home Ashley, before I do something that we will both live to regret,” I ordered, gritting my teeth. I was no longer Taint, the saint. It was true I felt just like them, just like Trey and Mr.Collinson. 43

It was inevitable, why could I just not take it and run with it? Fuck the world because a beast was born every second of day and maybe that was who I was destined to be: the next Trey. One could only live to regret that kind of thinking, but the rage was comprehensible. 44

“You don't mean that, you are just enraged and you have every right to be, but if you just let me be there for you, everything will be alright, we can tackle it together. Will you let me be there for you?”45

I scowled, my fist clenched so tight I could feel the blood surging through my veins, my temples throbbing, my body aching with urgency to be at peace, to rest and to be alone. I needed to be alone.46

“Damn right I am enraged. How could you be so stupid? You know what your father is like. You should of just shut your mouth, I really hate you right now”47

Ashley shook his head.48

“You might be angry with me now, but that is just because your are tired. You don't hate me and that is not a very nice thing to say to the person you love.”49

Agitated I tried to bite my tongue, but there was no use. Holding the anger in would destroy me: Things where always better said then unsaid.50

“DO NOT TELL ME HOW TO FEEL,” I screamed, the tone of my voice scaring me into another fit. 51

“You have no fucking idea and no right to tell me how I feel.”52

Ashley inhaled a deep breath, his lips trembling I had never seem him look the way he did. It was like every ounce of his spirit had been crushed in a matter of seconds and I was to blame. 53

Guilt sunk in deeper. The knife in Ashley's own back was being twisted so deep I could almost see the moment when his heart began to crush.54

“Look, I'm sorry okay? I am just exhausted, I'm knacked and I need some time alone to think things through. I don't think it would benefit either of us being around each other when I feel like I am going to snap your neck of at any second.”55

How could I be so heartless, so cruel? He was my best-friend, my rock and I knew it now that he was my lover. How could I do this to him? Why was I doing this to him? Did I really want to become the animal or could I fight this and accept his help?56

“Fine,” he yammered. “Do it on your own then, be another Trey, you know you will be . You're breaking my heart Taint and I don't know how much more I can take. I don't even know who you are anymore.57

I sniffed, fighting the decency and compassion I knew that was in me.58

“Neither do I, so just please let me do this alone and stay away until I fix it, until I fix myself.”59

Ashley nodded, no longer objecting my request. He raised his arms, meaning to embrace me, but reconsidered as he turned his heel and began to walk back in the direction of the hostel.60

I stood still for a moment, not turning around: afraid of what might happen if I did.61

Had I just thrown away the only person that meant everything to me?62

I wiped my eyes, daring not to let my tongue glide over my sore, chapped, lips and inhaled the toxic fumes of the mornings awakening. 63

I was beginning to look like the beast, a barbaric excuse for a human being. Was I another Trey? And would I always would be living in angers: dark, aggressive, shadow. The only thing I knew right now for certain was that I was heading back to hades to receive punishment for my disrespect and weakness.64

I was no longer who I once thought I was and maybe I never would be. But I hoped in time that I would come to realize that there was another way out. I just had to persevere at this point in time.