The Wordsmiths

Today in their indigo robes they are discussing suffixes.1

“Okay,” says the Chairman, “that does it for the inflectionals. On to—”2

“Don’t know why we did them anyway,” mutters Froop under his breath. “You can’t take over the world with—”3

“ON . . . as I say, to the derivational suffixes,” announces the Chairman, ignoring the snickering, “which some of us seem particularly eager to discuss. Someone poke Thrump.”4

There is an undignified squork as Thrump wakes.5

“Right,” starts Pangworthy, waving his hand limply. “I move we start with the CANs.”6

“Second.” “Second.”7

“I’m sorry, the . . . what?” Brown shuffles madly through his notebooks, eyes wide, to inhale knowledge more quickly. “The . . . cans?”8

Subdued groans.9

“Not the cans, Brown,” clarifies Drummel, trying to sound tolerant, “the CANs.”10

“Honestly, Brown, we know you’re new, but do try to keep up,” breathes Pangworthy. “What did they teach you in America anyway?”11

Brown is a deer in a room full of headlights.12

Woonton saves him. “Changes Adjectives to Nouns, Brown. Like ness.”13

“Ity,” adds Pangworthy.14

“Tude,” says someone else.15

“Ance.”16

“Ence,” follows Froop, emphasizing the vowel.17

“Dom.”18

“Only in some cases,” clarifies Pangworthy, finger wagging.19

“Th,” hisses Thrump, heaving slightly left in his chair.20

A shocked pause. Thrump has spoken, has actually contributed to the conversation.21

Then, “What was that?” from two or three of the other Wordsmiths.22

“Th, you imbeciles,” returns Thrump. “Wide, width; long, length—”23

“High, heighth?” suggests Pangworthy, sniggering.24

“So help me, Pangworthy,” declares the Chairman, “I will pummel you with my cane. Nonetheless, these are all valid data—”25

“And powerful,” points out Froop.26

“And, yes, powerful,” says the Chairman. “Ricktwitter, are you getting these down?”27

Ricktwitter is.28

“Sloth.”29

“Good heavens,” says Drummel. “Who said that?”30

“I think it was Brown.” “Yes, it was Brown.” “Good show, Brown!”31

“Slow, sloth,” says the Chairman appreciatively. “Excellent. That will do especially well in next month’s campaign against the Chinese.”32

Murmurs of agreement all around.33

Brown has been beaming happily for several moments now but interrupts himself to say, “Um. About that, sir, Mr. Chairman, how . . . exactly—”34

“All in due time, my lad. All in due time.” The Chairman smiles slowly. “Now, are there any more CANs?”35

Maybe it’s because he’s high on praise, but Brown jumps right back in with, “Oh, about that. The CANs thing. If you, we, call them CANs, how do we differentiate these suffixes from those that change adverbs into nouns?”36

Silence, sudden and palpable. Unreadable faces.37

Brown’s mouth hasn’t caught on yet to what his brain is realizing. “Because they both start with A . . . and so . . . it’s—” His mouth catches on.38

The room erupts in laughter.39

“Changing adverbs into nouns! Ha ha ha ha!”40

“What a ridiculous notion!”41

“Preposterous!”42

“Postposterous, even!”43

“Oh, I see what you did there! Ha ha ha!”44

Brown tries unsuccessfully to hide under his notebooks.