No one wants to hear me bitch. I think that's what I am really afraid of as growing up forces me to abandon the angst that so held me, and made me feel I had a purpose as a kid. I am still stuck in high school and the feelings of abandonment and laughter, and crushing insanity are no longer feelings I can feel, because the rest of the world has grown up without me. Now I am stuck thinking about this crap endlessly, with no where to properly put it. I would like to think that when I meet these people again at my reunion something about me will have changed, and I will be able to scream LOOK AT ME, LISTEN TO ME, and they will. I will have somehow gotten their mutual respect, and this irritates me to no end because I want to hate them, but I love them because they are human beings and I want to love them, and yet I find myself hating myself for it. When I was a kid I used to have thoughts that were so original, and so frightening, but now my thoughts of darkness are tired and cliche, and I am just as invisible, because there are plenty of people out there more fucked up than I am. The clicks are even on the SW site, and I feel like I am in highschool all over again praying for people's approval of me. I was called death. Now I am just iliad. I can't seem to channel the darkness I used to have. I wrapped my hatred and my anger around me and screamed for attention in a world that considered me invisible in highschool. Emo. I wish. I didn't belong anywhere. I was too nice, and that has always been my problem, because people took advantage of me and they still do. Even though I have written stories about torturing and murdering people I used to know in ways that were unthinkably humiliating to them. Now I look back, and what I am afraid of most is that I am nothing special. Not to this site. Not to my friends. That maybe I am one of those people that was just meant to spend the rest of their life on average. That sucks. Now I am trying to change, but the darkness is no longer dark. It is this colorless flavor of bland, and it's swallowing up my will to keep trying. I am 27, and life feels like it will never end.
Author notes
What sucks is that this nine minutes was incredibly easy for me. Maybe that is the way depression really works, and maybe you never get over it. I have been dealing with this garbage a lot, and channeling it into my stories. I want to change. I don't know how. I have been meditating a lot, and hopefully that will help me find a central peace. I am focusing this peace into my spirituality and my music. My writing is not yet ready for it.
Hopefully this contest gets you honesty, and not psychotic fantasies. Thank you for hosting it.
A contest entry
- Infinite, Unlimited, Unleashed 01 -- The Shadow by intoothandclaw.
275 points, ended September 12, 2008, 12 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
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The psychotic fantasies work for me, too, as long as they're honest. And depression is truly a bitch. Have you considered the idea that yours might have a neurochemical component? There are other issues too, there always are, but the thing is, you can't really tackle the psych stuff until the chemical emotion is out of your way. It's hard to really dig into the meat of your own problems when all that emotion is clouding your will to even do the thing, to even understand, much less to proceed and change.
Have you ever used cannabis/marijuana with the specific intent of treating that aspect of depression? It's very helpful for many people (myself included.) I would be institutionalized right now in a depressive psychosis if it weren't for cannabis. It didn't cure me on its own, but it gave me the clarity and strength I needed to be able to heal myself.
There's something out there that'll work for you. You just have to perservere and find the sonofabitch. It's not that the rest of the world has grown up without you, believe me -- it's that most of the world has dealt with its problems by pretending they don't exist or don't matter. Which is only successful on the outside. Inside, they're even worse off than you, because they can't even face their own depression openly.
Good luck. -
I'm really enjoying this contest. It's refreshing to read so many entries about how people really feel.
I'm now discovering that you and I are alike in many ways. I, too, feel a need for approval although I never admit it. And I'm also extremely scared of being insignificant, of never being special. You aren't alone...and I feel that you're one of the most introspective, talented, honest writers on this site. You didn't hold back, and I truly hope you win this contest.
Oh, and I'm glad you are trying to find peace. I'm doing that as well by reading proverbs and psalms any time I feel unhappy, angry, or stressed. It really does help and I hope it's working for you. Spirituality, even though you can't pinpoint precisely what it does or what it is, seems to heal a lot.
Great job. =]
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