Today, I have been assured that everyone handles it differently. It’s not uncommon to do this; it’s perfectly acceptable to say that. I have learned that if I need something, I should call them. I’ve been told that nothing is my fault, been encouraged to believe that everything happens for a reason, had the silver lining adorning this cloud pointed out to me in a hundred different voices. 1
That’s fine, if they’d all just leave me alone for a damn minute. 2
The skies are a color I’ve heard called azure; the stone is something akin to a rising bruise, spread thickly across a pale and undeserving cheek. As I stand here I can see them. Their smiles paint the brightest of memories upon gloriously vacant canvas, all sun-drenched hues and a glistening finish. I see it dancing in their eyes like a candle’s burning flame, throwing shadows that pool in the corners of their mouths and grope for purchase along their pulsing temples. They speak to me through a fog of dubious understanding. I can’t pretend to know what they’re saying. It’s like watching a foreign film.3
Each and every one of them believes a different thing about us, and the things that happened in that fall. I have known since the beginning that they will never find the words to ask me of what they so burn to dissect, to engulf, to understand. They will never stand close enough to me to beg me for their closure- the reason your footprints led so proudly to my door in that godforsaken, early snow. I bet they’ve got the words for you, though. As they peer out from under the security that they bear like tumors on their backs, I know that they will speak to you with complete confidence that you are forever listening. Most will rest their swollen heads upon the assumption that you ache to hear every word that they so lovingly pick and choose to waste your time with. 4
But who am I to talk? I could never waste enough. 5
Now they are turning as one, and I can’t help but wonder if they heard you screaming, but your voice is bound inside of me, wrapped exclusively around my bursting heart. All at once I find that I am left with nothing but this tainted silence and the pearls of my own foolish wisdom, running down my face to soak the earthen bed you made.6
You have screwed me, just like you said you would, and I know you knew it all along. You knew that when they came for me, I’d be standing here alone, without your name to call. 7
I guess they should have buried me with you. 8
Author notes
I wrote this quite some time ago, and I'm not sure how I feel about it. Please share your thoughts. I appreciate brutal honesty.
Comments
-
Wow. Very impressive! You have a naturally subtle talent for poetic prose I wish I had. I do agree with IrishYndia about the various different types of imagery needing a bit more union, but other than that I think this a beautiful, very refined piece. Again, welcome to StoryWrite, I think this place could use a few more talents like yourself!
-
You have a very admirable way with words - some of your phrases are extremely poetic and come off beautifully.
You also have some lovely imagery, and I like the way that your language and images match the emotional state of your protagonist. For the most part, your grammar and punctuation are very good, which is a very refreshing thing to see. There are only a couple of rough spots, and I'm sure you can catch those as you reread. The only suggestion I have for you is to consider using more consistent imagery. Your imagery is really quite good, but with a piece this short it is sometimes useful to center all of your images around a central theme, something that can be used as a metaphor for the story itself: maybe autumnal imagery, or a swan on the nearby river, or the nearby bundle of freshly picked daffodils. That's up to you, but having a consistent theme for imagery in a piece this short helps draw the whole thing closer together, tightly, and provides an extra level of metaphor and foreshadowing for that lovely reveal you have at the end. Anyways, I thought this was very well-written and I enjoyed reading it. Best of luck to you in all of your writing, and welcome to Storywrite! 
-
-
Thanks!
It's somewhat grammatically rocky on purpose, to portray how...I don't know, disjointed?... the narrator's thought process is, but I like the idea of trying to tie all the images together thematically. I think that would improve it a lot. Thanks for taking the time to leave a constructive comment. =)
-
Adding your comment:
