Nine Minute Confessional

Nine minutes...1

First, I should mention the overwhelming jealousy. The jealousy I mock constantly with my friends, that it seems every girl feels thanks to the media. I suffer from it much worse than I let on, and it also bridges with my self-confidence. The girls in media are not who make me jealous, it's more like the girls in my everyday life that I get jealous of. Sometimes it's "why does she deserve this more than I do?", others, it's "why can't they see me as beautiful too?" I compare myself to everyone constantly, always wondering when I'll be good enough or when I'll finally get what I know I deserve.2

Then I get the low self-confidence. I look in the mirror, and, to quote Sonny Moore, I hate what I see. My hair is weird, my eyes are too big, my nose isn't feminine enough, my lips are too full, I'm too skinny, I'm too tall, I'm too boney, I'm not muscular enough, I look frail... all of these things are almost constantly milling around in my mind. The media has nothing to do with it, since I am 5'7 and blonde and thin, and I still think I'm ugly most of the time. Which is why I am not very good with taking compliments.3

Sometimes, I'll even have thoughts that disgust me [not as in "Gross," but more as in "why am I thinking this? I don't really think that way!"]. Thoughts that make me feel like a horrible person, that I'm sure just stem from the jealousy I previously talked about. Spiteful comments that pop into my head about anyone: people I know, people I don't know, people that I've never even met.4

Then there's the part of me that hates to cry, to show any vulnerability. The part of me I hide even from those closest to me, from my friends and family. The part of me that's secretly miserable, even when I'm laughing and smiling. It's the part that wants someone, a boyfriend to be exact, just to love me for me and all of me (even the vulnerable, not-so-wonderful parts) but thinks that that could never happen.5

Which is where my most common devil is. The voice that tells me that no guy could ever want me, that all the intense, passionate, true love that I feel toward a certain someone is all in vain, since he could never possibly love me. The voice that tells me that I should forget all my romantic endeavors, or just give up.6

Nine minutes is over.

Author notes

Wow. This is officially my favorite contest that I've ever participated in. So thought-provoking and original.

I'm sure I'll be getting a few WTF looks from my friends who read this and didn't know. All the better to get it out in the open.

A contest entry

What do you think?

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    : Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have 0. (?) (Line numbers)
    Ratings:

Comments

1 - 8 of 8

  • Walking Oxymoron
    October 8, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    What acooly contest!

    I think you have just voiced the feelings of the entire human female body-
    And I'm pretty sure those who disagree with you are lying.
    Pretty much everyone has felt at least one of these emotions.

    I (aside from the too skinny bit -i'm quite solid... and I'm short!) have felt all of them!

    It's a females right to have low self confidence. (That's why My friend campaigns against it, by declaring her beauty to everyone she meetS!) She gives other people confidence to say what they really think.

    I hope you know someone like that...

    Well done on the gold!


  • intoothandclaw
    August 18, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    If there's a guy who'll love me, raging bestial lycanthropic bloodlust and psychosis known about and understood, then there's someone who'll love you. If there's one, there's more.


  • moonwriter
    August 13, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    I can't give you a WTF look. Because then you'd have to give me one of those after my entry. It's amazing to hear you think these things. You're gorgeous, Jesse and I'm sure he really does love you. He's just too stupid to act on it. I'm sure he'll get the picture eventually.


  • Pixels
    August 13, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Oh my gosh, this is sad! It's well written, but extremely sad. Wow... it's just wow. I hope that you win the contest, this is very good!

1 - 8 of 8