With hair fanned out around her head, wispy tendrils of dark ginger undulated with each fresh wave that buoyed her body. Ears below the seawater, she heard nothing but her own thudding heartbeat and rasp of respiration, the incessant noise of the world muted. An upward gaze peered at the sky, itself a reflection of her unblinking eyes. As the heavens communed at the horizon with the salt of the sea, so Deannas pale azure eyes united with their own bitter saline. 1
Her gypsy skirt, entangled among pale limbs, trailed beneath her; a wavering flume of amethyst and gold catching dappled rays of sunlight. Above, a silken sapphire shirt clung to the curves and valleys of her chest, rippling with every despairing exhalation. 2
With crinkled fingers, she twisted the bangles on her wrist; the continuous subconscious acts indicative of how deeply she pondered her dilemma. She abruptly upset her equilibrium, thrusting her head under the water, her eyes wide open, but her mouth squeezed shut. 3
For seconds she remained, tiny air bubbles escaping from her nose, until she finally resurfaced gasping for air. Water cascading from her face covered the trails of fresh warm tears of frustration. She thrashed about in the water; a flurry of erratic limbs and animalistic cries soon lost to the open emptiness. 4
Deanna just couldnt do it. 5
When she had first stood on the beach and glared out to the raging sea, emotions writhing in turmoil in her chest, she had thought that it would be easy. Determination took her the first few steps into the hungry waves, the foamed shore-breakers tugging at her feet and urging her forward.6
Skirt adhering to her calves from the initial surge of seawater, she had stridden forward, each new lap plastering the fabric higher on her skin. The ocean had welcomed her, sensed her melancholy, and caressed her unloved skin with tepid, salty, hands.7
Each despondent step took her further from the life she had chosen not to live; the sand that slipped between her toes as fragmented as the splinters of her own tenuous existence. Finally, the sea took her completely in its grasp, pulling her toward the comfort and peace her heart so desperately desired.8
She had succumbed to the mindless wile of the watery deep, allowing her body be tugged to whence it saw fit. After hours as churning flotsam upon the waves, deliverance never came. Instead of pinning her down with sodden dark arms, the sea had raised her up, presenting her to the face of the sun. 9
Deanna wanted it, desired it - could taste it on her salt-laden lips. 10
Death; the final solution, the perfect ending for her miserable life. Oh, how she now cursed the sea for denying her this; for not bending to her will, for taunting her with a promise, but failing to fulfil it. The roiling waves of tempest had calmed, leaving her to float in false serenity atop its gentle surface.11
For an indeterminable time she attempted to blot out her own terrible life, but found, once completely immersed, that she could not surrender. Despite her blatant resolve, her lips failed to part, nor would her lungs comply to suck in sweet liberation. 12
As the sun rose higher in the sky, mocking her from its cloudless abode, she ranted; her life a litany of curses directed at an unhearing and uncaring entity. She screamed the unfairness of her unappreciated existence: the strangers that disparaged her for her differences, her familys unwillingness to forgive, and the man that had flung her to one side in his pursuit of perfection. 13
She sobbed her anguish, her tears joining in fellowship with the myriads that embraced her. She cried until she could no longer distinguish the wetness of the sea from the slickness around her eyes. She wept for hopes lost and dreams shattered, for opportunities lost and prosperity squandered.14
She gave up and drifted by the will of the waves, her lips moving and her fingers shuffling the bangles. Each twist calmed her, the friction a gentle reminder that she lived, that the miracle of life still beat in her chest. As she floated, tranquil awareness blossomed: apart from her, other life subsisted. 15
Joining the tattoo of her heartbeat, the profound sound of whale song reached her ears. Deanna sobbed, not for the sorrow of the tune, but the forlorn beauty of the melody. She ceased the relentless worrying at her wrists and simply listened, each note calming her heart until it beat in harmony with the lilting tones. 16
She closed her eyes, her eyelids scrapping shut, as she sighed with newly discovered contentment. Some notes signalled loss, but not without hope, and as she listened, acknowledged the sentiment expressed: the fragility of life should be cherished. 17
Contemplative silence reigned as she accepted the gift the sea bestowed on her; that though she abhorred her existence she would value her life, she should strive to appreciate that she lived. In this frame of mind, she turned toward the shore and struck out with a newfound purpose.18
Following her at a distance, a sleek grey menace lurked. Tiny ebony eyes regarded her with lethal curiosity, and it wove its sinuous form through the water with cool detachment. Despite the melody sung by the warm-blooded denizens of the deep, it obeyed a primal rhythm of base urges and desires.19
Grey fin sluicing through the water, it approached with furtive silence, its jaw widening as it sped toward the flailing limbs. As Deanna reached the back line of the breakers, the shark reared from the water, teeth gnashing and tearing fabric and fragile skin alike. 20
She screamed; a hand stretched out to the shore, her fingers splayed as she implored the soft buff of sand. Red exploded, clouding the water, as rows of daggers incised her thigh, rending flesh from bone.21
Her exultant return to land would never be; the sea noted her original wishes, but proud and wild, fulfilled them on its own fickle terms. A tool for the wrath of the sea, the shark devastated Deanna, bringing about her demise.22
The whale song continued as she finally died, the forlorn refrain warning others: 23
The sea giveth, the sea taketh
the sea shalt not be taunted, lest Her wrath and vengeance be great
The sea giveth, the sea taketh
24
Beyond the surface, an errant arm encircled with gold sunk with finality to the ocean floor, fingers extended towards a hope never realised, a dream not lived, and a life never valued.25
Author notes
For contests:
Moral of the story: One should never tempt fate.
A contest entry
- Stories of Summer - Serious About Reviews group contest by Abstract Muse.
600 points, ended August 27, 2008, 10 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Shed My Tears by Kagamine Rin.
350 points, ended August 23, 2008, 10 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Setting by ZackTruel.
200 points, ended October 31, 2008, 10 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Things I Look For In A Good Write by beezy92.
450 points, ended January 1, 55 entries
Honorable mention
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Depression by GossipGirlLuvR.
355 points, ended March 3, 22 entries
Honorable mention
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Short contest with options by Blood Wolf.
175 points, ended April 1, 13 entries
Honorable mention
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Now, That's What You Call Ironic... by Valkyrie.
350 points, ended May 17, 5 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - I want stories with a message! by Violette.
170 points, ended May 25, 18 entries
Honorable mention
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Short Stories... by lesbian-in-love.
575 points, ended November 2, 35 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Give me life! by slyly annonymous.
350 points, ends December 3, 36 entries
• next story in this contest, • Add to finalists list, or remove from contest
What did you get out of that?
Comments
1 - 33 of 33
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This was really well written. I enjoyed reading this. Thanks so much for entering and best of luck to you in the contest.
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I loved this.I loved your thorough description of her, the surroundings and her emotions. Congrats, you're in the finalists as well.
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Fiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiinalist!
That is some seriously poetic prose there. I was in awe. And the moral of the story, and the way it was fulfilled...
Just...
I'd be here for twenty minutes if I went thru and found the phrases that caught me the most. "Red exploded, clouding the water,"... "the melody sung by the warm-blooded denizens of the deep" ..."the sand that slipped between her toes as fragmented as the splinters of her own tenuous existence"...These are my top three!
*clicks "Add to finalists list"*
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I really enjoyed this. And I loved your description of what she was wearing and her intense emotions. The imagery of the sea was really outstanding. She was going to kill herself, right? But she decided not to go through with it because life is so precious. So she turns back to go back to land. But she's already met he demise because a shark is looming after her. This is well done, I love the imagery. I thought it was so sad and it really is tear-jerking. Bravo
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Whoa
I really love this. I especially love the part where the sea has hands. That was beautiful. The ending was exactly how I would've wanted it. Everything about this was SO BEAUTIFUL! Great job! I wish you the best of luck in my contest.
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I loved it, from beginning to end (even though the end wasn't particularly satisfying to my romantic nature). I love the imagery...and the gypsy chic clothes you put her in. Finalist list.
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Wow!
This is a superb piece of writing! I enjoyed every moment of reading it! Everything was ever so well described. I felt like I was really in the story. Brill!
Good luck
Lolly x -
Wow! I loved this story! Every sentence was full of description and vivid imagery! This is exactly what I was looking for. I loved also the moral and theme of the story. Great job on this, and good luck in the contest.
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"she had stridden " - should be "she strode".
Otherwise, this is a truly beautiful story. Deanna seemed almost ethereal in the beginning, but the limbo between life and death she was experiencing can be ethereal, so this was impressive. I am also particularly fond of the personalisation of the sea - although not especially original, it was nicely and vividly presented.
So, thank you for entering my contest, but I must ask that you let me know who's story you have commented on or else I won't be able to accept this story. I apologise. -
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Hi - I have commented on Star Pictures.
Also 'she had stridden' is the correct usage - that section is written in past perfect tense rather than standard past tense (referring to a past event while writting in past tense), and the correct form is what I have.
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Wow, I really like it. I loved the imagery and the wording- you write really well. I would have liked to know more about the character and what happened to her because I wasn't too attached to her but it was still really good. More backstory would have been good though. Very well written though- I loved this part
Joining the tattoo of her heartbeat, the profound sound of whale song reached her ears. Deanna sobbed, not for the sorrow of the tune, but the forlorn beauty of the melody.
Beautifully written! Gypsy is actually semi offensive just btw or at least not he right term - Roma is the actual name of their people- they were from India not Egypt as many people think. Well done piece though!
WritingFree -
Not much of a tear jerker but more a shocker.
Despite that fact, I'm still going to put you on the finalist list because it was really well written. -
I didn't want to start off by saying wow... But WOW. =D
The imagery was amazing and the emotions really chilled me to the bone. Not much was said about Deanna or went into why she wanted to kill herself (or why she chose the ocean), but either way, this was exceptional. This was a really original idea..and..the ending was very good and unexpected.
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Wow, TB, this is brilliant.
I'm amazed at the vocabulary, the imagery, down to the hauntingly beautiful end. o__o
Great work. I like te piece a lot.
-HT
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Mucho Gusto. The imagery was beautifull! I am all about Imagery... This is definately in the running... (Dispide the fact that it is only one of two entries haha)
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W-o-w. Very emotional. The descriptions are stunning and the emotions can be felt. Amazing.
My only itch was that it took me a while to get the intention of the story. I'm not saying to cut it short but, I think that you should hint that she wants to be destroyed earlier. The story is a little slow in the beginning but worth the reading.
Other than that, the twist was good and the details were so real. I could almost reach out and touch the water. Good. :]
Cheers,
Sky
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This piece didn't really fit in with the contest. The option was about suicide and the act being accomplished. It was a nice twist at the end but considering the contest and the rules of the option it was kind of disappointing.
Also I wish you had stay in the boundaries of her needing silence and not reflecting on the misfortunes of her life (family, her lover) because it wasn't needed. It is much easier to understand and sympathize with a suicidal character when all they have is the desire for death and the quiet. When you bring in other reasons it seems like suicide is an act of revenge and not a soothing answer. Also, when she changed her mind that was kind of disappointing to (I'm not trying to glamorize suicide but your piece was so believable, powerful, and moving up to that point.) It also didn't fit with the option.
You have a beautiful writing style and I got lost in the structure of your words. You have a talent when it comes to language and using the right word to describe that desolate feeling or how the ocean mirrored the torment in her heart.
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I like the way this ending twisted - unexpected, but it made so much sense in terms of the story. I like the outline of the character you've formed, thought I'd like a little more of her color - a little more of her past, of her personality, of her life. She's a great shape, but so far she's not much more than a shape. The situation is fantastic, though - I love the idea of turning to the ocean to seek death, only to find a new appreciation of life and then have it taken away again so swiftly. That is the way the ocean works; she is fickle and wild and unpredictable.
The whales are a fantastic touch.
This was so well crafted, and very emotive. My only notes are very technical and very small. That's because this is already such a great piece.
Notes:
* This is a very very very minor point, but apparently I like pointing out minor points.
In your first two paragraphs, you have a lot of complex sentence types: they begin with a dependent clause and end with an independent clause. Take a look at your first sentence, for instance - that is a complex sentence. It's not a bad thing to use them - in fact, they are very useful - but you use so many in a row they begin to sound repetitive. I probably only noticed because I've seen the same problem in my writing on occassion. I have to remind myself sometimes to vary my sentence types as well as my vocabulary.
* Also, check your semicolons in paras 2, 3, and 4; semicolons are used to connect two complete sentences, not a sentence and a fragment. (Actually, now that I'm looking farther in the story, you might check through the whole thing for semicolons and make sure they are properly used. I'm not trying to nitpick about them, but I freely admit that they are a pet peeve of mine. *laughs*)
* Para 12: "Despite her blatant resolve, her lips failed to part, nor would her lungs comply to suck in sweet liberation." In order to use the word "nor" you have to have two similarly-constructed phrases to compare. For instance, you could construct it as: "Despite her blatant resolve, her lips would not part, nor would her lungs comply to suck in sweet liberation." Both phrases have something that would not happen, that way. If you want to leave it as is, it's simple enough to substitute "and" for "nor."
* Para 17: "Some notes signalled loss, but not without hope, and as she listened, acknowledged the sentiment expressed: the fragility of life should be cherished." The syntax of this sentence is unclear; was she acknowledging or was it the notes? -
Wonderful vocabulary and incredible description! It took me awhile to understand it, but about half way through, I realize what was going on. The end made me think of Jaws so much, yet, a message was made once you read the "Whale's Song".
Beautiful! -
Nicely done.
This is well written. The descriptions and imagery kept me reading, wondering just what would happen.
The ending was rather ironic but I felt it coming. She goes out to surrender herself to the sea, changes her mind and starts back, then the sea takes her anyway. Life can be cruel, and sharks can to be hungry.
I think there's just enough of an ocean reference to fit the theme.
Thanks for entering and good luck.
Greg
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As always your descriptions are to âDie forâ.
A lot of ocean water in this one
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As always your descriptions are to ‘Die for”. Didn’t mean that figuratively, poor girl goes through all that emotional trauma, and physical struggle, decides living is better than dying and along comes that rotten, hungry, old shark
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You are one ‘cruel’ lady but a terrific writer
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I won’t point out the Aussie spelling
—but do tell me how do you and Andy slug that out 
Geri
beginning: 5, plot: 4, ending: 5.
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You have an excellent way with language. Several SAR members are better at it than I am...and this piece is no different. Your flow of prose was quite good. Interesting ending...so she wanted to kill herself and then changed her mind, and then got eaten by a shark? wow, cruel world! lol
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Commentary
I have to agree with everyone about this story lol. But to add into this was the quirky humor that slowly came to a boil. On the flipside however, a few minor errors were made...
In paragraph three, you can use either 'subconsciouses act' or 'subconscious acts' that way the line wouldn't feel so "awkward".
And in paragraph seventeen, all you need is just one 'l' in the word, signaled. -
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Aussie spelling - we use two 'l's - but thanx anyway.
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Hah! As soon as she started to see how stupid she was I knew a shark would get her.
A good little story, amusing to my morbid sense of humour.
Hmm, it's to early to do a proper critique, not that I found anything I would critique in this anyway... You write to well, how do you do it???
For genres, maybe, drama, suicide () or humour (For morbid people like me)? Just some suggestions.
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Very interesting moral tale...
and a very well-written one. I like the way it's hard for her to die, contrary to expectations. People with no understanding of suicides don't understand that failed suicides aren't always mere "calls for help" but underestimates of what it takes to do it! And the irony of the ending is little missile.
Nice work. -
As expected, this is very well written, full of beautiful imagery and eloquent language. For a relatively simple idea you have given this story life with the personification of the sea and the power it, and nature, has over us. I particularly liked the final paragraph where you deliver a brilliant message about appreciating both your own life and the life that graces our earth, backed up with the emotional life (and death) of Deanna.
I wish I could offer you some criticism to balance the praise, but I can't. A very well written, enjoyable, powerful piece.
- CC
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HIGH TIDE?
First, I might say I really loved your title. (I didn't think you needed to use the full quote at the end of the tale)
As I read, particularly at the top, I thought of several ways of commenting (I already knew where this was going and HOW you seemed bent on getting there).
I thought of setting some of your rather intense and heavy words and phrases down and providing some suggested translations...at least alternates! Even re-writing pieces to illustrate. But I won't do this.(It's a good way for a director to get a sock from an actor!) I should like to humbly suggest, however, that although the story IS so well and nicely written (as one would certainly always expect from your pen) it might be better... for the story's sake...for the sake of its theme and impact, that your language be taken down a peg or two. Really. Some of the words and phrases are lovely...and craftily, skillfully placed...but oftimes a bit much and even a bit unnecessary...verbose. You know? Read it (aloud) to yourself. Let me put it this way to you: Love of language in this rather excellent tale OVERSHADOWS and seems to WANT to play a greater part than the yarn itself. It UPSTAGES the story. And I don't think you should let yourself do that. It isn't fair to the story itself. And YOU...are so good a writer (not to be confused with wordsmith, here...which you ALSO are) that you CAN keep the impact...even render it MORE powerful and poignant with fewer, lighter, REAL words...(not to say verbiage!)Make it shine...more accessible!)
It is my sincere feeling that THIS story can leave one with a powerful impact and message...which I know YOU can deliver. But as it stands now, one comes away overwhelmed with the language...and even perhaps with how clever, intelligent and skilled a wordsmith is the author. But...Jodi, is that your point? Is that what you want? I vote for the ideas...the message...the heart...the guts! And, of course, I know you have that. The story does.
Don't let the words wash over the story.
Best,
GA
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wow. this is a sad story, cruel irony that when she decided she didn't want to die, a shark decided for her. this is incredibly well written, the description of her emotions and her surroundings- the water, the whale song, everything- was just amazing.
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Wow. It's very intersting. Again, I am in love with your writing. And, maybe a bit jealous. But, I suppose all I can do is keep practising.
Anywho, I didn't see any spelling or grammatical errors. And the flow is wonderful. And since that's all I check for without a request, it passed my semi-test perfectly.
Good luck in the contest!
And I love the word "roil"...
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WOW!!! That was truly phenomenal! I loved the fact that when finally she realized she should be hopeful and that the sun will always shine tomorow... It didn't!! Truly unique and beautiful!!!!
rockin.reader
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, characters: 5.
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Nicely written! I loved the level of description you used. The bangles and her constant playing with them was very real to me. And how fitting that she could learn to appreciate her life at last. Really at the last, that is. Although the likelihood that a shark would actually consume her vs merely biting her and, finding her not tasty, letting her slowly bleed out or survive to shore is actually pretty low, it does make for a fine tale, especially with the hand there at the end. *shivers* Does she haunt the shore line next?
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OMG! This is so sad. Right when she learned to appreciate life, it was taken from her. I guess thats the lesson she needed to learn before she passed on. This was beautifully written. So poetic and unique. It shows a great lesson on life. Amazing job J. Thanks for the great read and the great lesson.
Sabrina
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