Wishes (part 1/2)

The pencil tapped incessantly, creating an unsteady wooden rhythm amidst the silence. The rapping paused, making way for the sound of a hasty scribbling before resuming its previous pattern.1

Lucas stared blankly at the wall.2

His writing utensil seemed to complain every time it struck the desk, threatening to snap if its holder applied any more force. Lucas dimly realized that it was nearly at its breaking point and set it down.3

He slumped forward onto the desk and closed his eyes. 4

At the sound of the door creaking open, he tilted his head without lifting it. Valerie, Lucas’s foster mother, bit her lip, embarrassed at having been caught peeking in.5

“You okay, Lucas?” she asked, no longer bothering to be sneaky about opening the door.6

He sighed and turned his head the other way.7

Valerie hesitated before entering the room and kneeling beside him. “Look,” she began uncertainly, “I know it’s got to be hard to adjust… especially after everything you’ve been through… but maybe you’ll be happier here, without having to worry about your brother—“8

Lucas’s head snapped up, and he fixed Valerie with a fierce look. Her eyes widened in surprise at the sudden show of emotion; since Lucas had come to live with her family, he had seemed to lack any feeling whatsoever.9

“Don’t talk about him.” Despite the ferocity in his eyes, Lucas’s voice was soft. 10

Unsure about what else to do, Valerie nodded. Lucas held her gaze for another brief moment before he sighed again and looked away.11

Valerie felt saddened by the way he closed himself off, and she got the distinct feeling that Lucas was in a great deal more pain than she could possibly understand. He was orphaned only in the last year and was physically and emotionally harmed by his older brother, who had a “substance abuse” problem. Valerie could only imagine how the poor teenager felt; she had always lived a very sheltered, blessed life.12

Sympathetic, she placed a hand on his shoulder. He flinched away from her touch. “What’s wrong?”13

He was silent for a few seconds. Then he whispered, “What’s right?” and stood. Lucas avoided looking at her as he continued, “I had one thing to live for, and now I don’t even have that.”14

Valerie watched as he disappeared out the bedroom door. As the front door slammed behind him, her eye was drawn to a piece of paper lying on the desk, on which only a few words were written:15

“Dear Karen,16

I miss you.”17

/*/*/*/*/*18

Lucas kicked the curb, trying desperately to ignore the tears welling up in his eyes. 19

Nobody understood. The social worker believed that he was emotionally unstable, his foster family thought he was scarred beyond repair, his friends at his old school had already forgotten him, and his brother didn’t give a crap about how he was. The only person who had truly cared about him was Karen.20

This time, Lucas couldn’t keep the tears back.21

He sat down there on the curb, letting the hot, salty water drip down his face. Painful, jerky sobs wracked his body—but he did nothing to stop them. He did not have the will to make them cease.22

He loved Karen. More than anything, more than anyone, he loved her. She was his first and only girlfriend, the most gentle and kind person he had ever met. Karen had been there for him since they were children—even when he had admitted his suicidal thoughts after his mother’s death and his brother became his legal guardian, and especially when Scott, that brother, had shot him in their home. Karen had stayed with Lucas in the hospital to the point of exasperating the nurses.23

Lucas smiled brokenly at that thought.24

But where was she now? She was back at home, probably happy and not even thinking about him. He had broken up with her just before he was shipped off to his new foster home—to free her of him. He’d been told that he would most likely never see anyone from his hometown until he graduated high school and could afford to go there himself; his foster family lived halfway across the country, making it nearly impossible for him to see anyone back home.25

He wanted her to be happy. He wanted her to be happy without having to stay faithful to him, without having to know that they might not see each other in a long time… far too long. Years.26

He wanted her to be happy even if it meant that he never was.27

Lucas sniffed and hugged his knees, staring out into the road. His foster family’s neighborhood was ritzy compared to the one he had grown up in. The whole street was meticulously neat and perfect, each lawn matching the ones beside it. Back home, each house had had character and personality. Each one was different.28

A car rolled past; Lucas barely noticed. Several teenage boys shouted at him out the window, but he didn’t even look up. They didn’t matter.29

For hours, Lucas sat there alone on the curb. He was trying not to think, instead attempting to clear his mind and calm himself. But no matter how hard he tried, he kept seeing Karen’s face and hearing her angelic voice saying, “I love you, Luke.” His efforts were utterly futile.30

With a sigh, Lucas looked up at the sky. The sun was already beginning to set. He was slightly surprised that Valerie had allowed him to be out for so long without calling him back. She seemed to be the motherly type characterized by incessant worrying.31

Lucas stood and began the slow walk back to his foster family’s home. 32

/*/*/*/*/*33

“So…” said Ann.34

Valerie’s family (excluding her husband, who was at work) was seated around the dining room table, with Lucas sitting between Valerie and her eleven-year-old son, Ryan. Ann, her daughter, was fourteen.35

Lucas glanced at the curly-haired girl across from him before returning his attention to his untouched food.36

Ann frowned and studied him closely. “How was your day, Lucas?”37

He looked up briefly. “Uneventful.”38

“What do you mean?” she prodded. She wanted to keep him talking for as long as possible; his voice had been rarely heard in the last week.39

“I meant exactly what I said.” His voice was emotionless, robotic. Ann guessed that he was depressed because of girl problems. Had he been rejected, perhaps?40

“What did you do all day, then?”41

“Ann, just leave him alone,” said Valerie softly.42

Ann sniffed in disappointment. “What? I’m curious,” she protested. “He hasn’t exactly said very much since he got here.”43

“Well, maybe he doesn’t want to.”44

“That’s dumb.”45

“Ann!”46

“I sat out on the curb for a couple hours,” Lucas interrupted quietly. At the sound of his voice, a triumphant smile appeared on Ann’s face.47

“See?” She gave her mother a pointed look. “Now we’re getting somewhere.”48

“But your dinner isn’t,” said Valerie, glancing at her children. “You all need to eat.”49

Ann and Ryan rolled their eyes and groaned. “Are you serious?” the boy complained. “I wasn’t even doing anything!”50

“Do you want to be teased all your life because you’re short?” Lucas nudged Ryan. “If you don’t eat your food, you won’t grow.”51

“Then how come you’re not eating?” Ryan snapped, eyeing Lucas’s uneaten dinner.52

Lucas paused. “I’m not hungry.” He stood and picked up his plate. “May I put this away and go to my room?”53

Valerie looked rather taken aback by this turn of events. “I suppose,” she said, hesitant.54

Lucas disappeared into the kitchen. Moments later, the three still at the table heard the sound of his footsteps trudging up the stairs. Valerie sighed heavily.55

“Aww! Why does he get to leave?”56

“Thanks a lot, Ryan,” said Ann sarcastically. “I was TRYING to talk to him!”57

“Sorry,” he muttered, not sounding at all apologetic. “It’s not my fault he’s a big hypocrite. Why do you have a crush on him, anyway?”58

Ann’s face grew red. “I don’t have a crush on him.”59

“Yeah, right.”60

“Ryan, that’s gross. He’s our foster brother now.”61

Ryan rolled his eyes and shoveled spinach into his mouth. “You shtill like hib,” he said with his mouth full.62

Ann refused to look at him for the remainder of the meal.63

Once dinner was finished, however, Ann stood outside Lucas’s door for several minutes, trying to plan what she would say to him. “So…” was all she could think of.64

Sighing in defeat, she settled for a tentative knock. There was a moment of suspenseful silence before his quiet “come in” came from within. Ann turned the knob and went inside.65

“Do you want me to shut the door?” she asked. Lucas only nodded. Ann obliged and sat on his bed.66

Neither of them spoke. Ann sat there, watching as Lucas tapped his pencil on his desk, still without a clue as to what she could say.67

“So….” She winced once it came out. She probably sounded really stupid….68

Lucas paused. “What do you want, Ann?” he asked softly.69

She was uncertain when she spoke. “I just want to get to know you, I guess,” she said.70

“Why?”71

“Why not?” She waited for him to answer, but he didn’t. “Do I really need a reason, besides the fact that you kinda live with us now?”72

An unfamiliar sound came from Lucas. It was half of a laugh—not a whole laugh, but enough to make Ann’s stomach do a somersault.73

“I guess not.” He turned in his swivel chair and looked her in the eye for the first time since he had arrived. “What do you want to know?”74

“Anything.”75

“That sure narrows it down, then.” He frowned in thought. “My favorite color is brown. Three Days Grace and Linkin Park are my favorite bands. I hate jocks.”76

“What’s your favorite song by them?”77

“I don’t know. I don’t really have one.”78

Ann nodded. “It’s hard to choose.”79

“Yeah,” he agreed.80

“Why do you hate jocks?”81

Lucas sighed and looked away. “Because they hate me. Well, they did at my old school, anyway….”82

“Speaking of which, are you ready to start school here? It’s awesome. You’ll be going to my school!” Ann did her best to sound excited, but Lucas’s depressing demeanor was getting stronger, and it was infectious.83

Lucas looked down at the unfinished, barely-written letter on his desk and sighed again. “I don’t know if I’ll ever be ready,” he whispered.84

/*/*/*/*/*85

Lucas was not sitting alone for long. A tall African American woman emerged from the hallway of small staff offices and beckoned for him to come with her. Slowly he stood and followed.86

“Hello, Lucas. I’m Mrs. Wells, and I’m going to be your counselor while you’re here at Lake High School,” she said. Her words sounded as though she had said them many, many times before.87

Lucas said nothing.88

“I know that it is probably difficult adjusting to a new town and a new school, but I hope you’ll find the student body here at Lake High to be very welcoming and friendly. But if you ever have any questions or problems, just come up to the main office and arrange a meeting with me.” She sifted through the stack of papers on the desk and picked up a half-sheet. “We’ve got your schedule arranged for the school year. Would you mind taking a look at it to make sure that everything’s in order? If the classes aren’t to your satisfaction, you can get your schedule changed in the next week or so.”89

Lucas took the slip of paper and read down the list. Once finished, he looked down at the floor and said stiffly, “It’s fine.”90

“Oh, good. The warning bell rings in a few minutes; if you like, I’ll get you a map of the school and show you your first hour classroom.”91

“You don’t have homeroom here?”92

Mrs. Wells smiled; her teeth were very white against her dark skin. “No. Here at Lake High, the students report straight to first hour and get right to work. It provides a more focused learning experience and less distractions.”93

Lucas sighed. “I would appreciate having my class shown to me,” he said slowly.94

“Wonderful. Shall we?” She led the way once again, this time leading Lucas out of the office area and into the hallway of the school itself.95

Lucas made no eye contact with any of the staring, whispering teenagers that lined the walls and stormed past. He simply trudged along behind Mrs. Wells, doing his best to ignore the new, yet irritatingly familiar, environment around him.96

“Who’s the new kid?”97

“God, he’s cute. I wonder where he’s from?”98

“Is he really wearing that emo shirt?”99

At that, he frowned. Lucas failed to see how his band shirt could be classified as “emo.” Perhaps these kids, like his foster family’s neighborhood, were of a wealthier, more spoiled background.100

Mrs. Wells finally came to a halt outside what looked like a plain classroom. “Here is your first hour. I hope that you enjoy your day,” she said, smiling her extremely white smile again.101

“Thanks,” muttered Lucas.102

With that, Mrs. Wells walked away.103

“Hey,” said someone behind him. Lucas turned to see a brunette standing there, with a curious expression. “You’re new, aren’t you? I’ve never seen you ‘round here before.”104

He nodded.105

“I’m Lillie, Lillie Peters.” 106

“Lucas,” he returned. 107

Lillie stood there, waiting expectantly.108

“What?” 109

She laughed. “Do you have a last name? Or are you just Lucas?”110

“Patterson.”111

Lillie grinned. “Wow,” she snickered, “we have the same initials.”112

“Not all of them.” He sounded lifeless. “Our middle initials probably aren’t the same.”113

“Oh yeah?” she challenged. “What’s your middle name?”114

Lucas hesitated. 115

“C’mon, it can’t be that bad!”116

“Is it really all that important?” he asked, hoping to avoid answering.117

Lillie sighed and rolled her eyes. “I guess not. Whatever, I’ll just get it out of you eventually.”118

Someone suddenly shoved Lucas from behind. He stumbled forward into Lillie, causing her to drop the books in her arms. For a moment, their startled gazes met.119

“Watch it, dweeb. Some people need t’ actually use th’ doorway,” jeered the culprit, a boy with baggy, sagging pants and gaudy metal jewelry. He eyed Lucas’s shirt with a sneer. “Gawd, what a total dork. He list’ns to emo music.”120

Lucas shot him a look that could have killed on the spot. Surprised, the “gangsta” boy disappeared into the classroom just as the warning bell rang.121

Lucas returned his attention to Lillie, who looked rather shocked. “Sorry,” he said softly. He bent to pick up her fallen items. “It was an accident.”122

“I know,” she said, giving him a kind smile. “Travis is a big jerk, anywho. He thinks he’s pretty cool with his ass hanging out of his pants and a bunch of bling all over, but he’s just a moronic idiot who gives everybody shi—er, sugar.”123

Lucas raised an eyebrow.124

“What?” Lillie rolled her eyes again. “So I swear! Big deal. And yes, sometimes I substitute food in where the profanity should be.”125

She was about to walk past him when she stopped. “Is this your first class?”126

“Yeah, apparently,” Lucas sighed, glancing at the schedule in his hand.127

Lillie’s mischievous grin reappeared. “Sweet. Mine too. This should be interesting…. Maybe you can give Travis hell for me,” she laughed.128

Lucas followed her into the classroom, his depressing, heavy-hearted mood lifted slightly. Lillie was difficult to be unhappy around.129

/*/*/*/*/*130

It soon was revealed to Lucas that he, Lillie, and Ann happened to all have the same lunch hour. He wasn’t certain yet whether that was a blessing or a curse.131

“C’mon, Lucas. Let’s go sit at an empty table.” Lille grabbed his sleeve and yanked on it a few times.132

He looked down at the sleeve under attack. “Don’t you normally sit with your friends?” he asked.133

Lillie shrugged, saying, “Sometimes. But sometimes I sit alone. It gives me time to do my own thing.” She grinned. “I’m a writer, you know. Romantic stories are my specialty.”134

“Oh.”135

“The only problem is… not a teeny bit of romance has ever actually happened to me. It’s all make-believe, for now.”136

“Maybe someday,” said Lucas, who relented and followed Lillie to one of the empty lunch tables at the end of the cafeteria.137

Lillie and Lucas sat down. Immediately, Lillie opened her brown paper bag and pulled out a sandwich, quickly devouring it. Lillie seemed to have quite the appetite. When Lucas pointed out that he had never seen a teenage girl eat so much—so fast—she burst out laughing and elbowed him in the arm. 138

“Let’s get one thing straight, Lucas. I have priorities. My heart comes before my brain, my brain comes before my stomach, and my stomach comes before my gossip-organ. Savvy?” She laughed at the look Lucas gave her.139

“I fail to see how that is relevant to you shoveling a sandwich into your mouth.”140

“Well, now. The boy DOES have a sense of humor! I was beginning to wonder whether you were stiff and depressing all the time, or if this is just a phase.”141

“It’s not a phase,” he said quietly.142

Lillie gave him a confused look. “Then what is it?”143

He shook his head. “I don’t want to talk about it.”144

Suddenly, a familiar curly-haired girl appeared. “Hi, Lucas!” giggled Ann. She sat down across from him. She opened her lunch box, but then noticed Lillie. “Who’s this?”145

“I’m Lillie.” Lillie smiled and dipped her head in greeting. “I’m in a couple of Lucas’s classes, so I’ve been helping him get a little more familiar with Lake. And you are?”146

Ann’s eyes narrowed ever so slightly. “I’m Ann, his foster sister.”147

“Oh, really? That’s awesome! Tell me, have you been very successful in getting this man to talk? ‘Cause I sure haven’t,” said Lillie, snickering.148

“A little,” replied Ann.149

“Well, then. Lucas, it seems that between the two of us, you’ll be forced to be cheerful and hold a conversation!” Lillie began laughing, and much to her surprise, so did Ann. Even though she was jealous, it was difficult to bring herself to hate Lillie for some reason.150

Lucas suddenly got up and walked over to the trash can. The girls watched after him, not sure what to make of his quick disappearance. 151

He dumped in the remains of his lunch—hardly touched—and then turned to return to his seat. Before he even took a step, someone shoved him.152

“You’re in mah way again, you emo freak,” came an unimpressive growl. Travis waddled over slowly, his pants too far down for him to move at all quickly. “Get out of my ‘hood and stay out. You dun’ belong at Lake.”153

Lucas brushed off his shirt where Travis had pushed him and continued his way back to his lunch table.154

“See? He dun’ deny any o’ it! He’s an emo an’ an ou’sider!” He cackled raucously. “You’re a freak, new guy! Nuthin’ but a freak!”155

Lucas sat down beside Lillie and rested his elbows on the tabletop; he slumped forward onto his arms and closed his eyes. “I’m not particularly fond of that kid,” he mumbled, “but at least he’s not a real threat, like I’m used to.”156

Lillie and Ann exchanged looks, not sure what to make of Lucas’s words. 157

/*/*/*/*/*158

“Dear Karen,159

I miss you.”160

Lucas’s pencil rapped the desk. What else was there that he could possibly write? She probably wanted nothing more to do with him, considering that he had broken up with her. Karen had been so heartbroken when he left….161

A solitary tear drifted slowly down his face. It slid down and fell, landing on the mostly blank piece of paper. Lucas looked down; the words were now smudged and blurred. Angry with himself for more reasons than one, he crumpled up the paper and threw it with a shout. It hit the wall and landed by the door.162

Someone knocked.163

Lucas sighed, aggravated, and ignored it. He really didn’t want to talk to Ann or Valerie right now; ever since that dinner a few nights ago, Ann hadn’t been leaving him alone, and Valerie’s naïve motherly concern was the last thing he needed right now.164

“Dude, phone’s for you,” came Ryan’s childish voice.165

With a jolt, Lucas sprang from the desk chair. Who could possibly be calling him? Was it Karen? His heart thumped loudly in his chest.166

He opened the bedroom door to see the freckled boy holding up a wireless house phone. “Some girl wants to talk to you.”167

“Thanks, Ryan,” said Lucas quietly, taking the phone. 168

Ryan shrugged. “Whatever.”169

Lucas slipped back into the room and shut the door. “Hello?” he said, his heart racing.170

“Lucas? Hey, it’s Lillie.”171

Disappointment flooded through him. Of course it wasn’t Karen; he hadn’t given her any of his foster family’s information. “Oh, hi.”172

“I didn’t get a chance to see ya after fourth hour, so I was wondering how the rest of your first day went,” she said. Her voice was as cheerful and bright as ever.173

He sighed. “It was fine,” he murmured.174

There was silence on the other end of the line. “Are you still down?” she wondered.175

“This is just the way I am,” he lied, sitting down on the edge of the bed. Well, it wasn’t a total lie; from now on, it would be the way he was. He would never get Karen back, so he could never return to the way he used to be.176

“No, it’s not.” For the first time since he had met her that morning, Lillie sounded calculating. “When you answered the phone with that ‘hello,’ you sounded perfectly normal. Then you found out it was me, and you got all depressed again.”177

“That’s not—“178

“If you don’t like me, you can just say so, you know. I don’t mind. In fact, the majority of the school population already hates me,” she continued.179

“Lillie, please,” said Lucas softly. “That’s not it at all. It’s not you. You’re nice, I just…. I was hoping that it was someone else.”180

“I see,” she said. “Okay. Sorry; I always jump to the conclusion that everyone hates me, seeing as so many of my friends turned down that road already.”181

“Why would anyone hate you?”182

“They say that I’m annoying and fake because I’m happy all the time. They hate that I don’t need to plaster makeup on my face to attract guys, and that I don’t revel in the attention. They think I’m trying to steal their guys and then break their hearts.”183

“That’s ridiculous.”184

“Yup, pretty much,” she laughed. “But if they’re that shallow, they’re not really worth it. I lied when I said that sometimes I sit with friends at lunch. I have no real friends—just people who let me hang out with them so they can make fun of me later.”185

Her strength of character reminded him of Karen. Surprisingly, it didn’t hurt. It was like a balm placed over a burn: soothing and calming.186

“Look,” said Lucas, “I’m really sorry to let you go like this, but I do have a little homework today.”187

“That’s cool. I’ll see you in first hour, then!” She laughed again, and then hung up.188

Lucas ended the call and ventured out of the room. “Ryan, where do I put this?”189

The boy shouted back an answer from his bedroom. Lucas trudged down the stairs and found the phone hook, placing it in its cradle. As he had earlier that day, he felt somewhat better after speaking to Lillie. Her incredible happiness seemed to seep into all the cracks of his broken spirit, and it made the world seem a little better.190

Valerie was standing in the kitchen door, watching him with eyes like a hawk. “How was your first day, Lucas?” she asked.191

“It was fine.” Lucas sat down in the chair, knowing that she was going to ask him a large number of nosy questions.192

“Just ‘fine’?”193

“Yeah. Some kid shoved me twice today and called me an emo freak. I’d say that made it fine.”194

“You were bullied?” Her tone changed to one of concern.195

“No. Just irritated,” he replied. Travis was a nuisance, but he wasn’t a real danger, like Patrick Hardie and his goons… back at his old school.196

“Well… did you meet anybody nice?” She seemed to avoid the phrase “make new friends.”197

“Yes, I did.” The corner of Lucas’s mouth lifted slightly. “This girl named Lillie is in a few of my classes. She was real friendly.”198

“A girl?”199

“Yes…?”200

“Was that who was on the phone with you just now?”201

“Yeah. She wanted to know how the rest of my day went, you know, if that annoying kid bothered me again,” said Lucas. “He didn’t, but it was nice of her to check.”202

Valerie looked as though she wasn’t sure how to react. Lucas had met a girl, but his foster mother didn’t know that he wasn’t looking for a relationship in this unfamiliar place. She had no idea what he was going through.203

Lucas stood. “Can I go upstairs and do my homework?” he asked politely.204

“Alright. I wouldn’t want you to get behind on your first day,” she said, smiling. She disappeared into the kitchen as Lucas disappeared upstairs.205

/*/*/*/*/*206

“Hey, Lillie.”207

“Are you ready for the test today?” She sounded anxious. “I know we’ve had all those study sessions in the last two weeks, but I still don’t feel ready.”208

“You always do better than I do,” said Lucas, pointing out that in the few months he had been at Lake High, he had discovered that a brilliant mind hid behind Lillie’s smile. In truth, she could have been an all-Honors student—but she always said that her writing would get in the way of the huge homework load.209

“That’s not true!”210

“Name one time you haven’t beaten my grade,” he said, raising an eyebrow.211

Lillie scowled. “Bull sugar….”212

“Language, Lillie.”213

She snorted. “Would you rather I said it the normal way?” she challenged.214

He shrugged, setting his bag beneath his desk. “That’s not my call in a classroom. And besides, the whole food-profanity thing is kind of endearing.”215

“Aw, the emo freak gets the sunny biotch. How cute,” snickered Travis as he waddled into the room. The large chain around his neck clanked noisily. “Mebbe you’ll get married someday an’ have ‘happy emo’ kids.”216

Lillie’s smile transformed into a threatening glare. “You might wanna shut that hole under your nose unless you want it to be full of fist,” she snarled.217

Lucas watched with slight amusement. Although Lillie rarely got angry, she was a remarkable sight when she did.218

“You wanna fight, little Miz Sunshine? Bring it!” Travis’s superior attitude disappeared when Lillie got into an experienced kickboxing stance. “Oh, shyeah right. I ain’t gonna punch a li’l girl! I’m out.”219

“You’re just scared I’ll kick your ass-paragus,” she sniffed, sauntering triumphantly back to her seat beside Lucas’s. She smiled mischievously. “He don’t want none o’ this,” she laughed.220

Lucas smiled a little. “I think I know who does, though,” he said, nodding in the direction of one of their classmates. “I believe Casper’s got a crush on you.”221

Lillie’s eyes widened. She leaned forward to peer past Lucas at the boy in question, who, seeing that she was looking, hid behind one of the many large textbooks on his desk. Lillie grinned.222

“Ooh, he’s a cute one,” she whispered. “How’d you figure that?”223

Lucas winked at her, saying in a loud whisper, “He never takes his eyes off you in this class.”224

Lillie giggled quietly, then stopped to look Lucas up and down. “You know,” she said, “your mood has improved quite a bit since your first day.”225

He shrugged. “Your incessant bubble-osity is hard to resist.”226

“’Bubble-osity’?” She snickered. “That sounds like Ann talking.”227

“It is,” replied Lucas. “I think hanging around with you two females is dangerous for my health.”228

“Why? You gonna laugh to death?”229

“More likely than not.”230

“You know,” she suddenly supposed, “sometime you’re gonna have to tell me about what your life was like before you came to Lake. You know, your old life.”231

Lucas’s face fell.232

Lillie watched her friend’s expression revert to the one she’d seen when she first met him, and felt regret at bringing up his past. Whatever it was, it must not have been good; if anyone mentioned it, he stiffened and refused to look at anyone.233

“Only if you want, though,” she amended, bestowing on him a friendly punch to the shoulder. “Or you can just be the Mysterious Boy till graduation a year-and-a-half from now.”234

He gave her a grateful glance. 235

“That won’t change the fact that I’m curious, though,” she warned, waving a finger. “I’m a nosy creature by nature, and that ain’t about to change any time soon.”236

“You’ll sooner stop writing and threatening to punch people than stop being nosy,” Lucas teased, earning another shoulder punch. “God, I’m going to be black and blue by the end of the day!”237

“Then stop giving me a reason to beat you up!”238

“The first time, you hit me without motivation,” he pointed out.239

“You were getting depressing again. That was motivation enough,” she said, a little defensive. “It ruins my… ‘bubble-osity.’”240

/*/*/*/*/*241

“Hey, Valerie?” Lucas peeked into the kitchen and saw Ann fixing herself a peanut-butter-and-jelly sandwich. “Where’s Valerie?”242

“Mom’s watering the flowers,” replied the curly-haired girl. 243

Lucas went immediately to the yard to find his foster mother. “Valerie?”244

“Yes, Lucas?” Valerie looked up from her precious flowers.245

“I’m going over to Lillie’s for a study session,” he told her.246

“Again?” She sighed when he nodded. “I thought that big test was today.”247

“It was, but there’s a test in History coming up on Monday. She’s freaking out again, so I figured more studying would help.”248

“Alright,” said Valerie. “But you be back by nine o’clock, okay? I need you to make sure that Ryan gets to bed on time for once.”249

Lucas nodded before going back inside the house. He grabbed his school bag and went out the front door. 250

He made the trek to Lillie’s house, which was in another subdivision within about two miles of his foster family’s. Since they had started their study sessions, her home had become increasingly familiar. The Peters were very accommodating, and Lillie’s mother was especially friendly. 251

“Hey, Lucas!” Lillie was grinning ear to ear as she opened the door wider, allowing him inside. “Welcome back to the secret lair.”252

“Whose ‘superhero hideout’ am I invading this time?”253

“Who said anything about a superhero?” She cackled evilly. “Everyone knows that it’s the supervillains that have it going for them!”254

Lucas scoffed. “Sure, and that’s why they always win,” he said mildly.255

“You know it!”256

Lucas allowed himself to smile a little. Lillie flounced into the living room and immediately pulled out her History textbook. Lucas sat down next to her, doing the same. It was a wonder that neither of their backs had yet broken; the textbooks seemed to get inches thicker every year.257

“Straight to work, I see,” he said. “Okay. What exactly are you having trouble with?”258

Lillie opened her mouth as if to speak, but instead groaned loudly. “All of it. God, I’m hopeless with all types of history! Well… except personal histories… but that’s besides the point. I suck at all of the history we learn in school,” she complained.259

“You remember people’s personal histories?” Lucas frowned in thought. “Well… at one point in time, these WERE personal histories.”260

“But they’re not anymore,” she argued.261

“So? Pretend like they are. Think of it as getting the juiciest gossip on these people. You’ll have an easier time remembering it, then.”262

She sighed. “I wish it was as easy as you make it sound.”263

“It is. Things are only as difficult as you let them be.”264

Lillie looked at him for a moment. She looked away and bit her lip. “So… what are you letting be difficult for you?”265

Lucas blinked. “I’m sorry?”266

“Something is really bothering you. I’m sorry to bring this up for the second time today, but it’s really bugging me, too. I can feel your unhappiness just under the surface, and I can’t let you keep feeling that way when I don’t even know what it is. I just can’t.”267

He sighed and stood, turning his back to her. “What if I really don’t want to talk about it?”268

“I think you need to. No matter how much it hurts, I think that you really do need to talk about it. Luke, you’ve gotta trust me.”269

Lucas cringed.270

“Lucas? Are you okay?”271

He clenched his fists and closed his eyes. Don’t think about her, don’t think about her….272

“Lucas—“273

He cried out when Lillie touched his shoulder. Startled, she recoiled, glancing at her hand as though it had burned him. His heart was pounding, and he felt like it had been ripped in two again… or perhaps its wrenching pain from before had simply returned from its numbed state.274

Defeated, Lucas collapsed back on the sofa. 275

“Did—Did I do something wrong?” 276

He swallowed. “My girlfriend used to call me that,” he whispered.277

Lillie slowly sat down beside him. “What happened?”278

“I….” He could barely speak. “I broke up with her before I came here. I… didn’t want her to be unhappy because we couldn’t ever see each other. Let’s face it, we’re halfway across the country from where I used to live. I wanted her to be happy without me. It’s too hard to be attached to someone you can never see.”279

“You’re still attached to her,” said Lillie. “I can tell.”280

“Yeah. I love her, Lillie.” He looked up into his friend’s eyes. “I love her more than anything, and I want her to be happy.”281

“You’re not happy.”282

“No. And I don’t think I ever will be. Karen is the love of my life—she was there for me when no one else was. She was there when my mom died”—he closed his eyes—“when I could have been beaten to death”—Lillie’s eyes widened—“and when my brother shot me.”283

“Oh my God,” she gasped. “Lucas….”284

“And I pushed her away. Dammit, dammit, I pushed her away.” His voice cracked, and he covered his face in his hands. “I love her so damn much.”285

Lillie had tears streaming down her face. She now knew what was wrong with him… and part of her wished she still didn’t. He was in so very much pain, and as far as she could tell, she was helpless in the face of his agony.286

Not knowing what else to do, she put her arms around him. After a moment, he returned the gesture.287

It almost seemed as though he were hanging on for dear life.288

/*/*/*/*/*289

Lillie woke up with a cry. Breathing erratic, her eyes darted around her bedroom. Whatever she had just dreamed was painful… and it had something to do with Lucas.290

She had cried herself to sleep several nights in a row after he told her everything. And he had indeed told her everything. None of the horrible things he had gone through had hurt him as badly as this breakup. Lucas was completely and utterly torn apart.291

Karen Davis was truly the love of his life. Lucas had made that clear.292

Knowing that she wouldn’t be able to go back to sleep for a while, Lillie crawled out of bed and sat down at her computer. It came to life with a beep, and she saw that her Instant Messenger was still operating.293

“EyesofGray is online,” Lillie mumbled. 294

EyesofGray was a girl Lillie had met on a fan-fiction website about half a year earlier. She seemed very nice, though she was very serious and sometimes depressing. However, the two girls were, in some ways, very alike.295

An invite to chat popped up. Lillie entered it, feeling the need to talk to someone.296

eyesofgray: hey
mizsunluv: hi
eyesofgray: whats up
mizsunluv: i’m having a ruff nite
eyesofgray: how com
mizsunluv: a frend is having truble
eyesofgray: gurl or guy
mizsunluv: guy
eyesofgray: oh297

Lillie waited, but EyesofGray did not continue. Confused, she began typing again.298

mizsunluv: whats wrong
eyesofgray: nothing im mad at guys
mizsunluv: why
eyesofgray: …
eyesofgray: nvr mind, whats ur friends problem
mizsunluv: he moved here a few months ago, hes really unhappy
eyesofgray: uh huh
mizsunluv: most ppl are nice but he really misses his ex
eyesofgray: his ex??
mizsunluv: ya he broke up w/ her b4 he moved
mizsunluv: hes a foster kid
eyesofgray: whats his name
mizsunluv: lucas299

Again, Lillie found herself waiting for quite a long time. Well, EyesofGray did live far away. She was in another time zone; it was quite possible that she was doing something besides IM-ing Lillie.300

eyesofgray: ok, is that it
mizsunluv: not rly
eyesofgray: ??
mizsunluv: hes had a ruff past famly probs, hes an orphan and stuff
eyesofgray: rly
mizsunluv: ya and his brother hurt him real bad
mizsunluv: his bro got sent to rehab
eyesofgray: wht happnd
mizsunluv: drugs and booze
mizsunluv: … and guns
eyesofgray: his name is luke?301

Lillie confirmed it again.302

eyesofgray: my ex was named lucas
mizsunluv: srsly??
eyesofgray: he brok up w/ me b4 he left twn
eyesofgray: im still not ovr it
mizsunluv: wow thats crazy
eyesofgray: damn it i still luv him so much
eyesofgray: lucas patterson broke my effin heart303

“Oh my God,” Lillie gasped.304

mizsunluv: karen?
eyesofgray: how do u no my name
eyesofgray: i never told u
mizsunluv: omg, my friend lucas is lucas patterson
mizsunluv: he told me about u
eyesofgray: liar
mizsunluv: no rly i mean it
eyesofgray: i dont bleev u305

“Karen, no--!” Lillie groaned aloud when her screen name suddenly became the only one on the online list. “Damn it. Damn it, damn it.”306