my lungs. they feel like well-done new york strips, and they feel dusty. probably from the three days of four packs, constant chain smoking. 1
i am an ape monster that mated with a younger ape monster, and now i am a sad ape monster because for some reason or another i am not mating with that ape monster anymore. i understand their thinking patterns and processes, and i can guess how they will respond, but i can't act like them very well. the problem is that on the inside, i do not like my thoughts or my reactions, or even my spoken words, but from the outside, if i view myself objectively, i can appreciate, understand, and love every detail of what makes me the thing i despise. 2
the young one was a pisstake, because it was a mistake that pissed me off. they have rules that say the young ones can't mate, but she lied about her age because she wanted to be with me. i didn't find out until weeks later that she was a young one, but by then it was too late. i had been living through the lens of my own perceptions for so long that i had forgotten reality is a steering wheel, always firmly in my grip. i was set on auto-pilot, because when these creatures invest enough time, money, conversation, effort, and thoughts into one other creature, they begin to develop a mental dependency on this force outside of their being, but built within their mind. they call it Love. 3
the worst part about being a creature here is that there is a lot of pressure on breeds and specimen quality. there are aliens who's job it is to cut other aliens open, make them look different, then put them back together. there are aliens who pump chemicals into their blood to develop as much mass as they can, and max out their bodies. there are machines in every nest that do nothing but flash pictures of the best of the best of the best looking creatures. i can't image how the female half of the species can take the mental abuse from a dream of constant flawlessness, but as a male it definitely BITES. especially when most of the females are taller than that male. especially when that male is scrawny, and is too lazy/frustrated/unamused to change. i believe that had something to do with why she thought it necessary to play games with my mind, but she claimed that her parents were uncomfortable that she was a young one, and that i was significantly older. 4
irritation would be the most fitting word for how i felt, because i would not have spoken to her had i known what she was. just because she was a youngin did not change the fact that i was fixated on her, however, and i continued with the common courtships of physical contact, which she continued to return, and sometimes initiate. she still said the L word, and wanted to remain companions, but it feels so different in my mind because the mating is not there. that has been cut off. what could i have possibly done differently, if anything? why am i even bothering to wonder? i don't need her, and i don't want her anymore, but she knows so much about me that i feel vulnerable, which is a very feminine statement in this language. maybe that had something to do with it...5
i never saw myself as male or female, simply a pig-monkey, and i don't consider myself a certain age because age shows nothing about wisdom. therefor, certain behavior traits of mine may seem out of character in dealing with sex or age, or at least that's what i suspect. i was overly dependant on her because she was an immature carefree individual with a great body. i thought i could teach her things, but all i wanted was for her to think like me. the more i spent time with her alone, i loved the things she did and said, but when she was around her best friend she acted just like her best friend. her best friend is a rude, inconsiderate, thoughtless, greedy bitch of a dog, but she has such a little perspective that she understands none of these thing. i don't blame her because of her upbringing. i pity her more than anything else, for her future looks grim. my fear was for my young one. i can't help thinking she had something to do with it. when she was with me i'd think, "Sure, of course this is the real her. Why would it be anything else?" but the more i thought, the more i realized that she knew this friend longer than she had known me. maybe i was getting the fake self. how could i not be? was i not the cherished mind on a pedestal that i had labeled her as in my own? no, i was just another male, and a very pathetic one at that.
Author notes
the uncapitalization WILL REMAIN.
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A contest entry
- Such a Tragedy... by Shinami Tsuyoki.
825 points, ended September 13, 2008, 30 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - You can't reduce me to a set of influences. by The Kingpin.
300 points, ended October 3, 2008, 5 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Write Me Something Original! by Rhubarb.
225 points, ended August 23, 2008, 13 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Shed My Tears by Kagamine Rin.
350 points, ended August 23, 2008, 10 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather did... by happy go lucky13.
400 points, ended September 20, 2008, 16 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Romance-I'm a sucker for that stuff! by HannahRosie.
175 points, ended August 23, 2008, 8 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Make Me Think by ElfSong.
700 points, ended September 10, 2008, 19 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Lover Betrayed by Reaver.
170 points, ended August 29, 2008, 15 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Beautiful Monstas by Star-Vomit.
170 points, ended September 24, 2008, 4 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Forbidden Love by Frozen Angel.
350 points, ended December 8, 2008, 56 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
if you want to read more, i'll write more.
Comments
1 - 34 of 34
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Nice
This was pretty good. Some parts completely confused me, while others were really good! -
I think your writing style is excellent in this piece. I liked the parts where you shortened the sentences to no more than a handfull of words and in others you were very specific to the meanings of certain things. I think the same way about the world at times. This was a very well written passage, and I'm glad that I took the time to stop by and read this. Keep up the good work.
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awesome job! Very true! i agree with Darkess on this one... some guys are total pigs!
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wow taht was really good, and sooo true about earth! and your toatlly right, a lot of guys are total pigs
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Gah! I swear I clapped!
Wait...am I not allowed to clap more than once?
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XD
Dude, I've read and commented on this one before! I thought it was amazing! (see below) Again, Great Job! And ! Good luck in my contest.
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A little confusing, but very interesting.
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a little confusing, but good vocab. i think that you would do well if you went through and fixed all the grammer. it just makes it easier to read and more professional
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good writing, but i was thrown off by all the punctuation stuff. Sorry, but proofer by nature and it fogged my mind in the overall task of reading. I did enjoy the read though, thanks for entering and good luck!
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Great use of words, but it was kinda hard to follow-for me anyway. Despite that, good write.
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.. this is describing humans, right? cause this is definetely how i sometimes see the human race >.<
anyway, i don't think that the lack of punctuation takes away from the story- in fact, i think it adds to it. your writing style is excellent- if it weren't, i'd be complaining about the caps, but other than that your grammar is very good.
an interesting read, i'd love to read more =]
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I see you've entered this in quite the number of cotnests. However, I saw many grammar mistakes .ALWAYS capitalize the first letter of a sentence. "I" shall always be capitalized in a sentence, regardless if it is the beginning or end.
This small passage made me think of animals somewhat, but I couldn't put my finger on what needed to be said.
But, otherwise, good luck in my contest. -
This is a very good style of writing. I like the idea, and the perspective that you put it in. I love the way the charcter doesn't seem to understand what's happening.
PLEASE use capital letters at the start of a sentence!
Thanks for entering, well done! -
I don't think this belongs in my contest its not dark. An interesting story but not one that belongs in my contest. Also check your grammar and capitalization because it takes alot away from any good story.
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when I read this I was thinking.....
That I better leave the shrooms on the counter and get some help. A very subverse piece and trippy in respect of how you have described the characters. Are they human ? Are they just a bitter person who after a disasterous end to a relationship feels alien to the world outside of them ? Is this story just a figment of the readers imagination after an overdose of prescribtion medication and orios??????
The only downside was grammer and caps. Check spelling and dont forget your caps !!!!!
Plus side is that I would say that this is a gutsy piece because you've tried something new.
beginning: 4, language: 1, plot: 3, ending: 4, dialog: 3, characters: 4.
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hahaha
well, you pretty much have me figured out. shrooms and meds are two of my favorite vices, but neither of them contributed to this piece. it is the inner ramblings of a psychopath. i don't like capital letters. thanks for the applause.
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This tory was different and interesting. The only thing I would suggest is to captilize after periods and always captilize your I's! Other than that, great piece- it's written on quite a unique idea. Great job.
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Always good to read something original and 'different' and overall I enjoyed this. I have to agree with what's already been said re grammar and some confusion over the central characters. I did like the narrative voice you used it definitely had an edge that readers can engage with and would want to follow.
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this is good, the detail, his thoghts and how he sees the world and his problem is unique.
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i luv the title
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This was really confusing, are they on earth, are they humans? I think you need to clarify those things somewhere in the beging of the story. Also you had some grammer mistakes, and you need to captilize the first word after you periods, you didn't do it on any of them. You had some spelling mistakes as well, but other than those few details you did a great job!
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Wow, amazing.
love it. (:
good job -
This story is good. (
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This is AMAZING! It's beautiful, cynical, real, and fledged with sarcastic value and regret. It was shocking, and as a "young one" myself, I guess I shouldn't really be able to get it. It was complex in a way that complexity is key. I way he calls himself a monster fits oh so more. The narrator speaks of the girl as if she was his child, or his charge rather than his lover, but he speaks as if he made the greatest mistake of all: "Loving".
This was mystical, and made my day. Though I'm not sure what my day is, now. XD
Awesome.
Write more, please, I beg of you!
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Ok, I found this piece of entertaining, probably because it was well written and it comes your deep feeling. Good job!
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Hi!
I found this very interesting and entertaining. I wondered what kind of animals we were dealing with? It has the flavor of a Sci-fi story. It also seems very humanistic.
It is fine to ask a greeter to read one of your stories if you see them online, but the question link is devoted to questions about the site. If a greeter has time, they will be happy to read your story.
You know, of course, that you should capitalize the beginnings of sentences, proper nouns, and the pronoun 'I'. It makes it easier to read.
p4 sometimes (initiated).
This is very well written except for those things mentioned above.
Andy, greeter
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This is amazing! I don't know what to say. I for one loved the punctuation use and everything... It was just so different... All of this going through one man/alien's head! I actually didn't even think of him[her?] possibly being an alien until I read the other comments.. I'm not sure what you're trying to convey. Either way it was amazing!
I hope you elaborate on this story a bit more. -
Uhhh, very curious idea indeed. I can honestly say I have never ever read a story quite liike this. Such a... curious point of view. I liked their descriptions of people. And the realisation that everyone becomes a different person, depending on who they're with. With my friends I act differently to with my mom, and when around both, I tend to make a sort of compromise. Very nice ideas in this, and a very very well written piece. Sorry it took so long for me to return the read you gave me on 'waking up to you' but I've been very busy. Anyway, thanks very much for your comments on that. Comments have really helped me keep that going, and I've got four chapters up!!!!!! Which is a first... I do write short piece, like this one, and this really captivated me. Such an odd take on life, and such an odd way of expressing it. I could probably safely say this is utterly unique. Complex sentences structures, which helped keep my mind focussed on understanding, and a fast pace, which got the point across swiftly and strongly. Excellent job!!!!!!
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The word "interesting" doesn't always
...sum a story up but here, it actually applies.
I think I can understand clearly what you are doing - your protagonist is a psychopath who thinks he's an alien... or perhaps he IS an alien... (but in my view there are too many inconsistencies (more on this later) to sustain that at present.)
Unlike other readers, I "get" the punctuation and like it, it's a stream-of-consciousness piece, my impression is that you're trying to convey the pressure these ruminative thoughts create in his mind.
Yet I read this when you asked me to, I hadn't come across it spontaneously before (glad you did, by the way!!!) or if I had come across it, I'd not read it.
My point here is that I am not entirely sure it's an easy piece to access on first encounter, and that's why your readers seem to be having a little trouble with the punctuation.
Stories don't have to be easy, of course. Why should they be? - but there's always a tension between what an author wants to do and the craft of inviting people into the story... getting people hooked, drawn in.
What I've gleaned from reading lots of stuff on this site is that what constitutes the best paragraphing (is that a word???) is a challenge for many of us. There is no question in my mind that short paras at the start of a piece help me, as a reader, take the bait. Understanding this, I have re-shaped the paragraphs in one story at least to help lure the reader into a story that's challenging - just as this one is.
Attracting the reads is part of our craft, so I raise the question with you, to consider or not as you wish.
Re the inconsistencies... Hmmm. What you do with this hinges on what your ambition for the piece really is. If "he" IS an alien, some references jar - jumbled between what sounds like a report to its superiors and the use of vernacular that it probably wouldn't use e.g.
new york strips.... pisstake.... bitch of a dog
and you'd need a bit more work to iron this out. But take the reading that this is a crazy person - and by the sound of things soon to be revealed to be a violent one - and that problem diminishes a bit, although these particular phrases jar me for some reason anyway...
But overall I must say i really liked this and found it a fascinating read. But then again, it's my writing terrain, too - the mad minds living amongst us, "passing" for sane.
It's a scary thought, isn't it.
Thanks very much for the story, and for sharing it with me - best wishes
RA
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Commentary Critique
I'm going to be brief with the critique. Although I like the narration you've written, you might want to consider tweaking it up a bit more. Take for instance in Paragraph 1, say the word 'felt' and not 'feel' in the first opening line...
"They felt like... "
Also sorry if it sounds like I'm nagging- or nitpicking but capitalization makes all the difference in the world.
Other from that, nice write
B, Greeter -
Omg dhat wuz AWSOME. ii hav absOlutly no crriitiiziizum at all! ii diifiinently lOved the endiin ndd ii wiish, nO ii cOmmand yOu to wriite mOre. yOu are a gOod wriiter. ii lOved the way yOu used biig wOrds. II DoNT fiind alOt Of dhat these days whiich makes yOu really unique.
beginning: 4, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 4.
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wow
This was so intelligently written, very thought provoking and sad at the end! I loved the sophisticated words that you used to portray a higher being of knowledge and knowing, and that he wasn't that great at finding a mate. Poor thing! Excellent job! The perspective of the narrator was very realistic and witty, and I love the overall thoughts of him.
-Lissy
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This seems like a coy story for something else you really want to say or maybe you just don’t want to spill out all the details. The only problem I have is with the punctuation it makes wring really easier to read if it is punctuated properly.
beginning: 4, language: 3, plot: 4, ending: 4, dialog: 4, characters: 4.
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Wow, I absolutely loved this. I have no real criticisms to offer, only that I'd love to see it longer/more.
In particular: your perspective and your narrator were fantastic. It was quirky, caught me off guard, but immediately drew me in. What could have been a somewhat uninteresting plot became infinitely more enjoyable and interesting with the way you had your character tell it.
I also enjoyed the formatting. I know that sounds like kind of a lame comment, but I mean that you flouted the standard "rules" of writing and made the narrative and voicing of it a lot more power.
Really great man, good job
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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