Pressure

"All I can ask of you is that you do the best that you can."1

How many times had I heard this line growing up? I had lost count. "As long as you do your best, I'll be proud of you" was another one of those things that every parent says but doesn't mean.2

I'd spent years doing my best. Sometimes it was enough for her, and sometimes it wasn't. When I was good enough for her, it didn't matter; that was the standard. When I didn't measure up, I wasn't trying hard enough. When I couldn't find the time to study, practice, and do my chores, I was lazy and needed to work harder.3

In my mother's defense, she didn't realize that she was doing this to me. She really thought that she meant what she said, even though she constantly went against her words.4

"You're going to be my honors grad, with cords on your gown," she always told me. "You're going to get straight A's and be accepted into every college in the country. You'll be my one child who actually does this the right way." Way to keep the pressure off, Ma.5

With all those articles she reads about parenting online, you'd think that Mother dearest would realize that overpressured teenagers are more likely to develop eating disorders. The ones who feel that they're not good enough, the ones that feel like they need to be perfect to satisfy others.6

This was what I was thinking as I swept my hair into a ponytail, turned on the shower, and leaned over the toilet for my nightly ritual.