Ah, shit.1
Well that was just great, just perfect. Wasn’t that just Joe’s luck?2
Chased by three cops, The Thief had somehow managed to dump his black bag on the ground by Joe’s feet. Meanwhile, Joe thought he was going to wet himself as the policemen came barrelling down the street towards him. 3
Oh God, this is it! 4
He could have died when they ran past him, still in pursuit of their suspect.5
No, no, Officer, I’m fine. It was only a mild heart palpitation. Carry on.6
Now what? 7
Oh no, there was no way Joe was opening that bag. Not on your life. Joe wasn’t stupid. He knew what happened to people who opened bags like these. Especially bags as heavy as this one…NO, no. Not going to do it. Joe could not even express how much he was not going to open that bag. 8
Joe sighed. It wasn’t like he couldn’t return the bag. He was pretty certain he knew where The Thief would be. But he really didn’t want to. It wasn’t every day that something like this happened and it wasn’t like Joe had some handbook, telling him what to do when mysterious black bags get dumped on to your lap. Joe had a sneaking suspicion that He Who Is Most Conniving would remember who had his bag. What with it being so heavy and all…9
NO! Just stop thinking about it.10
This wasn’t healthy; he could almost feel an ulcer coming on. He was getting too old for this. Joe couldn’t handle the stress any more. It wasn’t a game, like it used to be when he was a kid. He knew that with one slip up, he could find himself in some very hot water. He had to take action; but what?11
Should he hide it somewhere, for safekeeping? 12
But what if somebody found it? That would be bad; very, very bad. Joe somehow knew that Mr. Bad To The Bones would want his bag back, even though what was in the bag wasn’t his…13
Joe’s sigh was even bigger this time. He actually knew what he had to do, but he was delaying coming to that conclusion for as long as possible. It just wasn’t an appealing course of action and Joe was almost certain that there would be a beating at the other end of it, but what choice did he have? 14
Get beaten now; get killed later.15
But there was no way that Joe was getting his ass kicked unless he knew why. 16
He decided to open the bag. 17
Yeah, it could cost him, but it was worth the risk. Joe needed to know what had put that look in The Thief’s eyes: that look of fear.18
He glanced up and down the street, making sure it was still clear, then he bent down and unzipped the bag.19
Inside were what looked to be thousands of hundred dollar bills. And they were all covered with a spattering of blood. Joe felt faint.20
“Dad, what have you done this time?” 21
A contest entry
- So you think you can write? Enter the Challenge! by SignifyingNothing.
525 points, ended September 13, 2008, 10 entries
Gold trophy winner
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Comments
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Oh, that's great!! I loved the ending!! Really nice job with this. Nice take on the prompt, you made it great with one little twist. This little snippet is just so intriguing. Nice job, thanks for entering.
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BAGGED...AND TAGGED!
This was a neat little package! Very nice hooky type bow on top (got me right in...like the cops) and the final "wrap" was...I have to admit it...good and original and...unexpected (although anticipated) We knew there was going to be SOMETHING special to tie this up IN the bag...but so clever of you to make the twisty surprise really about WHO put it there! Very cute...very clever. Crafty.
Further, as opposed to some stories which kind of write themselves as they go along, with the writers not having any idea as to where that might be, you obviously DID know your destination. And, I think, you didn't push getting there...although it seemed clear to me, almost from the top that you were going only to take that ONE road, shortest possible path, in getting there. True, most short stories are comprised by One theme, One major character, One POV, One conflict and One major symbol, but you CAN afford to take a few digressions...a few side-steps. That's what would make this a little better...a little more interesting. MORE about the major character...WITHOUT giving the ending away. MORE about where he's from...where he's going...HOW the ending is going to seriously interfere with this ultimate destination...WITHOUT giving anything away. It will make your terrific idea (and it WAS unique and clever) more weighty...more SUBSTANTIAL than merely an unexpected twist! Make it MEAN something. TIE it to something that will give it WEIGHT!Don't waste it. It's TOO good!
Also, in a more trivial, easily fixed, but related note, watch repeated words and starts to paragraphs (like "NO".."Oh no"..."No,no" and "Oh.") Same with repeated thoughts. It makes the reader feel like the writer is in a hurry to get somewhere. Don't rush. Savor every sentence and phrase.
Again, neat package. Clever person that you are.
GA
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