Nicotine and Self Esteem

Obviously it was her fault. She upset everything. They all like him. He's the one who can keep his friends. Not her. Her friends have better things to do. She knows its her, the one thing everyone who has left has in common is her. She's the one factor. There can't be something wrong with everyone else. Can there? No. He didn't even want to be with her. The pot-head high school dropout didn't even want to be with her. She wasn't good enough. Her best friend didn't want to be her best friend anymore. But its not her fault she can't be someone she's not! She can't help it...can she? Would it really be that horrible to be someone new?1

These are the thoughts that go through her head everyday. She thinks about how she can change herself. Who would notice or care if she did? She knows life isn't about being liked. But if she was, life would be easier to live.2

The mask she's wearing is getting stuffy. She can't walk around like this anymore. But when she tried to take it off, people left. People didn't like what was underneath. "Just be yourself!" they told her. Yeah right.3

All this feeling of rejection started with losing him. Or maybe it started with gaining him.4

She blames herself. She tried not to fall in love. And she refused to accept it when it happened. It just shouldn't have happened.5

But the way she felt when she was with him! The way he made her stomach flutter. The way he made her thighs tingle and her toes clench. He deservese some blame too.6

His tongue parted her lips the first time. The next time she invited him in. His fingers always knew what to do. His arms were always strong enough. His waist always felt right between her legs.7

She was never afraid to let him have her. She knew he wouldn't disapoint.8

And the feeling of knowing she was doing something right was the best feeling to have. Seeing his face gain that expression of satisfaction was more than rewarding. Feeling his body thrust with pleasure enhanced the expirience. Hearing him sigh and say "jesus" under his breath was her favorite. She knew she was winning.9

But after nights like that, it would sometimes be days before she even talked to him again. Thats when she started feeling like his puppy, his pet, his whore.10

She was always there when he wanted her but when he didn't...she was waiting for him to.11

It seemed like it would never end. But she still waited for the day where he would confess his love for her. Her feelings went back forth: some days she wanted it to just stop so she would never have to see him again...but other days she missed him so much it hurt. That's why she can never let go.12

The last day did come once. She was told to leave him alone because he didn't like her anymore. She accepted it and even felt a little relieved. The next she got drunk and hooked up with her best guy friend. She then realized she wasn't over it. The next morning she cried harder than she ever remembers. That was the one time cigarettes meant something to her. That was the one time she needed them.