Random OitM Fanfic Scrap: Alfredo LIVES!! *le gasp*

Grace: Okay, so in the last moments we saw of "Alfredo my love," as he was known to a certain Hikari, he swam off, got caught on a hook, and flailed for his life as that infamous hobo fisherman reeled him in. Then, as he was taken off the hook, he was pronounced dead.1

Tragic, isn't it? Well, guess what. He wasn't really dead. He was pretending to be dead to trick the hobo fisherman. Whose name happened to be Nora.2

...It rhymes with Dora! Like Dora the Explorer! You know, that weird little kid who hangs out with a monkey named after his boots? *laughs like a drugged Shino* Nora! Nora! Teeheehee!3

Hobo Fisherman: It's Norman! Ye darn seagull!! >.>4

Grace: Okay. Norman. ...That sounds even weirder than Nora.5

Norman: Shut up!6

Grace: Um, no thanks. I won't shut up, because I am trying to come up with a story here. So would you kindly go back into OitM until I think of a way to use you here?7

Norman: *reads first two paragraphs again* Wait a minute! Did yew say I got outsmarted by a mere ~fish~?8

Grace: Hai.9

Norman: Insolent seagull! *waves a stick at me and goes back to OitM, where he is beaten into the dirt by an enraged Hikari*10

Grace: ...Anyways, Alfredo wasn't dead! He faked his death! *gets weird conspiracy-loving gleam in her eye* So, by now you must be bored of this dialogue stuff and thinking, "Get on with the story already, ya pansie!" Or maybe you prefer to say "peonie." But that is besides the point.11

Topleaka: ..."Peonie?" Who says "peonie?" It's PANSY, darn it!!12

Grace: *gulp* Hai. Now, let's end the dialogue stuff and actually start talking about what happened to Alfredo. *ends dialogue section with a magical line of hyphen thingies*13

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You may think that fish were not smart beings. Well, perhaps ~most~ fish were not smart beings. But Alfredo was, for he was Hikari's love, and that in itself made him magical. *nods*15

When he heard Hikari say, "NOooOoOooooOo! Hooks are bad, Alfredo! Come back!", he thought he would ditch that weirdo who had been glomping him to death and go after the hobo fisherman's boat. There wasn't even a worm or anything at all on Norman's hook -- the hobo fisherman, as he was most commonly known, was far too cheap to splurge his money on such useless things. In fact, it was a wonder the guy was able to catch any fish at all.16

As you can see, Alfredo went after the hook because he was being rebellious. Yes, fish can be rebellious. Alfredo is living proof.17

But when the hook went into him, he realized Hikari had only been trying to protect him. That piece of curved metal hurt. Really, really bad. Fortunately, however, it didn't kill him.18

~Unfortunately,~ the fisherman had meant to kill him.19

"Alfredo…I hardly knew ye!" Hikari proclaimed.20

"Who's that there? ...Darn seagulls!"21

The fish decided to play dead as he was removed from the hook, and since the hobo person known as Norman was blind in one eye, it worked. Hey, the guy couldn't tell girls from seagulls. 'Tis a true fact. Even if the before-mentioned girls were a way off...22

Anyways, Norman put Alfredo in a bucket full of the corpses of fish who actually were dead. Alfredo found it rather gross and disturbing. Smelly, too. On top of that, he REALLY NEEDED WATER. He nearly gagged, which would have blown his cover, but luckily at just that moment, Hikari had to cry, "Alfredo my love!" with a rather dramatic air. Which distracted the fisherhobo.23

The girl should consider acting, Alfredo decided. While Norman grunted out another insult to the seagulls, the fish managed to flail out of the bucket and out over the side of the boat, into the water.24

When the fisherhobo turned around to find Alfredo gone, he blamed the darn seagulls. Of course. Those pesky birds had stolen his catch for themselves. Well, they would pay.25

"THEY WILL ALL PAY!!!!" he ranted, throwing his stick into the water in a fit of rage. (Aspen: GAh! How dare you steal my line!? *bashes Norman in the head with Topleaka's pitchfork*)26

Then he realized this meant he would have to buy a new stick. Poor Norman. (Why did he buy sticks when he could just pick one up outside...?)27

So Norman rowed his boat gently down the stream, merrily throwing stuff at the seagulls on his quest to track down the bird who had stolen Alfredo.28

Eventually (many weeks later, to tell the truth, while he was still on his quest -- it was a long, LoOOooooOooOOnG quest) he rowed under London Bridge, and it fell down on top of him, just as Britteni Manson sang an out-of-control nursery rhyme.29

Meanwhile, Alfredo was bargaining with a vegetarian seagull for a shiny rock. For you see, the seagull liked shiny stuff. Oh, excuse me--shiiinnnneeey. But it wasn't just any shiiinnnneeey old rock. It was THE shiiinnnneeey rock. As in, the rock on which Hikari had carved the word "Alfredo."30

Did this have any significance? Supposedly, yes. But back to the story.31

After a period of time, Alfredo won back the rock by promising Sammy the seagull (for that was his name) a rock that said "Sammy" on it. He didn't know how he was going to get a rock that said "Sammy" on it, but he was determined to do it. Alfredo didn't break promises. He just didn't.32

However, there was the minor problem of Alfredo not knowing how to read. Therefore, he wouldn't be able to tell whether a rock said "Sammy" on it or not.33

Due to certain events which I don't feel like thinking up at this moment in time, Sammy did know how to read. So he told Alfredo he would help. How nice of him. (*gives Sammy a hug*)34

Alfredo swam back to the beach where Hikari had first found him. Sammy came with him. T'was the anniversary of the day Hikari had met him and watched him swim off into the horizon to meet his fate, so she was at the beach holding an in-memory-of-Alfredo party.35

Haruka, Sabrina, Roxy, Topleaka, Miranda, Wef, Aelin, Rei, Akihiro, Ashton, Mitchel, Eurika, Athena, Kaio, Zane, Hyru, Tien, Tuyet, and EVERYONE was there. Even though Hikari and Haruka were the only two who actually knew Alfredo... Oh well. They all came just because they were such awesome friends!! =D36

...Yeah, right. To tell you the truth, they came because Haruka had baked cookies. And everyone loved Haruka's almond cookies. Not just Akihiro, although I suppose he loved them the most.37

They also came because Miranda was coming, and Miranda was wearing... COLORS. Can you believe it!? She hadn't forsaken her legendary black coat, of course, but it was open, so you could see her bright lime green T-shirt with PURPLE polka dots. And she was wearing light blue pants. Besides that, she had on a red hairband instead of her customary black one. It was a sight to behold.38

Miranda even ate a radioactive muffin. And she didn't mind that her skin glowed for a while and that Topleaka kept poking her and that Wef and Aelin were acting like she was as hyperactive as they were.39

To get back to the point, Hikari went out to the waters mournfully, and said her custom "Alfredo my love," with the grains of sand running through her fingers.40

'Course, most people were too busy staring at Miranda and munching on Haruka's cookies to notice.41

But Alfredo noticed as he swam towards her. She looked exactly like he remembered. If Alfredo was a human and could speak, he would probably have said something romantic and sappy and dramatic, but alas, he was a fish. So only Hikari was being romantic and sappy and dramatic.42

He settled on saying something along the lines of "Hikari! I'm ALIVE!! Do you remember me?" in fishspeak.43

Since Topleaka had magic powers and understood animals, she freaked out and wondered if the fluorescent orange fish coming towards them stalked Hikari whenever the poor girl went to the beach. She was getting seriously scared, although I don't really see why -- after all, how much harm could such a little fish do? (Alfredo was little enough to be cupped in Hikari's hands, after all.)44

Topleaka decided there was something strange about that seagull with Alfredo, too. Didn't seagulls... EAT fish? She was about to warn Hikari when the before-mentioned fish-lover let out a high scream.45

The scream was so loud that it put Britteni's ear-shattering "KYA" to shame. I think it might have been heard for miles around. It got everyone staring at her, which was not a good thing, because it made Akihiro swallow an almond cookie without chewing on it, which caused him to choke.46

This scared the crap out of Haruka, because she had no idea what to do. And it was...well, it was scary.47

Athena, being all smart and all, saved Akihiro's life with a Heimlich maneuver. Or whatever it was called.48

Then they found out what Hikari was screaming about, as her nonsensical babblings suddenly sparked into coherent speech.49

"IT'S ALFREEEEEEEDDDDOOO!! HE'S ALIVE!!!!!" she squealed gleefully, jumping and pointing like some rabid fangirl who had somehow found herself next to Sasuke, Kiba, Lee, Gaara, Shikamaru, Itachi, or some other character of her choice. (Like... Ishida-kun! *steals him right out of Bleach and tackleglomps him*)50

For Alfredo was indeed alive. In fact, he was cupped in her hands, which had been shifting dramatically through the sands only seconds before.51

Hikari soon came to her senses, remembered that Alfredo needed water, and put him back down. Her eyes alighted upon the rock with his name on it, and the seagull next to it. "Seagull - your name is Sammy!" she belted out.52

He cocked his head, beady eyes seeming to say something like, "...Well, duh. Like I didn't know that already."53

Hikari, being Hikari, picked up two rocks and used one to engrave the other with the name Sammy. So Sammy got his own shiiinnnneeey rock. Just as promised.54

Since Alfredo was alive and well, the in-memory-of-Alfredo party was changed to a Welcome-back-Alfredo! party. And yet, the majority of the guests at this party walked away without ever knowing who the heck Alfredo was. Sad, isn't it?55

Well, at least Hikari was happy. And so was Topleaka, who was relieved to know Hikari knew the fish, and therefore he was not some stalker maniac. Roxy wasn't unhappy about Alfredo being back either, although she'd never known him. This meant she wouldn't have to hear something like, "Let us be spared! In the name of Alfredo the fish!" every time she was kind enough to drive Hikari somewhere.56

Alfredo and Sammy were amazing creatures. Topleaka even decided they were cool, and ranked up there along with dead ponies and such. Sammy huffed about this for a while, but Alfredo decided to take it as a compliment.57

And so ends the tale of Alfredo the fish... For now.58