It is just two-o’clock. 1
We are in the Circulo, in the club room under the second chandelier, when he arrives wearing a summer suit, grey and well-cut. 2
A white shirt gleams, whiter than the table-linen, as our waiter shows him to a small square table set for two. His shirt-cuffs flash briefly; he pulls out one of the wide wooden chairs for himself and sits facing the glass doors.3
He is waiting for Alice.4
He has seen me, but I am of no interest. 5
At this moment he does not know who I am or that I will have any power over him. He does not yet know that I will spend the next two hours evesdropping on his conversation and drawing him again and again while he charms and seduces. All he has seen so far is a blonde woman, middle-aged, alone, nearby. He cannot imagine that I could be a problem to him in any way. At this moment he has no reason to fear. At this moment he is full of anticipation, his confidence complete.6
But we have exchanged looks. 7
As he has judged me, I have judged him. To some he would look handsome, the abundance of lank brown hair hanging in a shaggy mass over his collar at the back and falling occasionally into his eyes. But to me, “louche” fits better. His skin is clear, his features are regular, he is clean-shaven. His face is unlined. He seems youthful, but his exact age is difficult to judge. 8
Only the unkempt hairline gives him away as someone who does not precisely grasp the wearing of a good suit - and yet he clearly wears one frequently. I find that puzzling for a moment, then recall the Ministry buildings nearby. Education, Science, Culture…. By day, this graceful old building provides refuge for civil servants with an interest in the arts.9
Our waiter brings my wine, and I am distracted for a moment. When he has gone, I see that Alice has arrived, and is just being seated by waiter number two. Her host makes a show of welcome and smiles, showing many small, even teeth. She makes herself comfortable, while he rises only part-way to his feet. They touch hands, rather than kiss, and sit down.10
I feel perplexed when I look at Alice. She is thirty years of age, with pale, straight hair the colour of dishwater, pulled back from her thin face. Nothing she wears today flatters her, or softens her jaw-line, or calls attention to the strong neck or intelligent eyes which are her best features. Nothing, including the black Mandarin jacket open at the throat, helps her look anything but prim and pale. It is a forbidding style.11
She is clearly excited to be here, having lunch under the belle-epoch crystal chandeliers. But she is doing her best to stay contained behind her steel eyeglasses, and she does not sit forward, not at first. She frequently moistens her lips as she gives her companion her full attention, but she does not fawn. Her Spanish is creditable, only now and then shot through with English vowels.12
My premier plate arrives, artichokes with garlic and Serrano ham. I expect these to be cold but they are hot, and disappointment stabs briefly as I take the first mouthful: they are bland and over-cooked, lacking salt and olive oil. Yet this room is comfortable and full of interest, both human and decorative, and no-one would dare confront me in this place about my drawing. I am content.13
My notebook is out, its crisp white pages waiting, and I start to search my shoulder-bag for the silver box that holds the brushes. 14
Two days ago Marina warned me again about Madrid's pickpockets, so the clasp to the bag is locked. Opening it is time-consuming and irritating, but I do not want the trouble of a loss to cut across my time, so have decided to comply. When finally the clasp gives way I find the box at the bottom of my bag. I open the case to remove the newest of the primed black brushes, placing the cap on its end as I always do. I am ready.15
As always, at first no-one notices what I am doing. 16
These are the best moments for me, these private moments, secret moments before people know they are being drawn and become self-conscious or shocked or angry, but they are not always the most fertile. Normally my hand takes time to work free, and, while my first sketches may later prove inspired in some fashion they are generally inaccurate. 17
I work fast, trying not to think but to see and to see through the surfaces of things to what is essential: the few lines that define character and temperament.18
I draw him first. 19
His hair catches my interest, too long at the back, indicating someone careless, disdainful of convention even as he submits to its command. Next there are his cuffs, white against the grey suit, frequently exposed because he continually gestures with his whole arm as he talks, carving or claiming space and attention for his words. There are cufflinks, rather than buttons: this I take as a sign that he is vain.20
I am having a little trouble getting his features down...21
The lineless face is heart-shaped – Slavic - and could be made of clay; the taut skin hides the bones beneath, apart from the firm jaw-line. He leans forward, charming, smiling but not with his eyes, and the slow stealth reminds me of a snake pursuing a small soft mammal. When he leans back again she follows him, and the dance, which this fine room has witnessed ten thousand times in its hundred-plus year history, begins in earnest.22
But now, out of the corner of his eye, he sees that I have come to put my mark upon events. 23
With quick, sure strokes I reveal the essence of things, not their surface, and he grows rapidly uneasy under my hand. Her face, too, changes from harsh and sharp-featured; and at last beauty and confidence shine from the page, and the gauche girl grows before my eyes into someone who cannot be seduced for the price of a poor lunch, whatever the surroundings. 24
My beef arrives, grilled and rare, better than first course, served on slices of buttery potato that are good but which a warm plate could so easily improve. I have left the choice of wine to the waiter so what I drink is my own fault, neither a pleasure nor a penance, and I am happy to put down my pen for now, and concentrate on the more important things in life.25
Author notes
This is the first appearance of the character who narrates in a three-story set I may make into a larger piece. What do you think?
This is a contest entry. It's a dining room so there are knives... just not the expected ones. And I like the idea that there are different kinds of vampires out there... who says they're all the same extras from Buffy?
A contest entry
- Sex, Monsters, Blood and Fantasy (you know you love the mix) by So Strange.
386 points, ended November 14, 11 entries
• next story in this contest, • Add to finalists list, or remove from contest - Crazy Characters: Evil or Good by The Joker HaHa.
190 points, ended August 14, 7 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Is the action of interest? What happens here?
Comments
1 - 18 of 18
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This is a good start and I will see how it does in my contest a little later on. I am commenting now on count of how I usually don't comment until a little later in the contests' running. But I still think that this is a good story and you should continue writing it and have fun with it, as well.
Keep up the good work and don't stop writing until your fingers decide to fall off and you have to stop writing. If you truly love it, then don't let the other people tell you that you shouldn't write it. It's your life and not theirs.
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Disarming
Well crafted. Tight prose. Clear setting. Good beginning. Eye for detail.Encourages the reader to want more of the story.
The increase in tension is subtle.
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This is a very interesting scene, and the main character has certainly caught my attention. The way you describe things is very nice - suave and easy to float with. It has the mark of an artist about it. This piece brings up a lot of questions, however - questions that you don't particularly answer. I'm not sure it can stand on its own and feel complete - though if it's meant to be read with other pieces, as you suggest, it will doubtless work marvelously. I enjoyed the read for the sensual language, the attention to detail, and the opulent tone. I do hope you continue it, because it is really quite grand.
Notes:
* Para 8: I would suggest revisiting both of the semicolons in this paragraph.
* Para 15: There is an extra space between "comply" and the period. Also, you use the words "as always" at the end of the last sentence here and in the beginning of the following sentence; perhaps try for a bit more variety in word choice here.
* Para 22: In the first sentence, remove the word "and" and the extra space before the comma.
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Thanks IrishYndina, very good comments.
I've adopted all but the "always", as i feel it's stylistic choice... but I may yet change my mind.
(n.b. I have tried twice to do this today but the server is acting up - no fear I'l address these suggestions asap)
Thanks for the close read - much appreciated!
Best RA
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This piece was gooddddd. Your writing in the first person is believable and most important you kept the flow of the story making it vivid in the reader's mind. Having said this I am just a bit confused as to what type of character is the artist. I see she uses her painting to transform the people she observes; but is that all? I would really like to read more of this piece I found it interesting.
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Hi Brie,
At the moment this is the very first story in the series and I am delighted that the ambiguity has people guessing and wanting more... thanks for looking in and taking the trouble to comment - best
RA
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I like the fact that you use simple and clear language. And your spelling seems flawless. Those are probably the majority of things I correct, so you're at least half way in the clear.
It's a very interesting story, definately one that has captured my attention. I think this character would one to keep an eye on - and you as the budding new SW author (at least new to me). Good work. I don't have anything to add - though if you want me to put your story through the ringer, I can certainly try. Jsut don't hate me if it comes out in tatters. Anyway, thanks for adding to the list. It was worth the read. -
This is an interesting first chapter.
So our narrator is an artist as well. Her artistic attention to detail carries over well into the narrative of the story.
She seems well adept at judging character from appearance and mannerisms. She is comfortable in working her talent in any situation.
She draws from both physical features and outward expressions to capture the essence of the subject on the page. I wonder how much her personal feelings play on to that page.
She is ready to put her work aside when the food arrives yet appears to be somewhat displeased with it none the less. She is an interesting character herself.
I find it interesting that she knows Alice's name. Has she seen her before in a similar setting? Was she there knowing Alice would be there?
She knew that's who he was waiting for.
This is an interesting chapter but I felt there could have been a bit more information given as to what is going on here.
Nice descriptions and details throughout to put the reader in the room. We could easily see what was happening. I'm just wondering what was her reason for being there in the first place.
Nice beginning. I like the artist element in the overall theme. I'm an artist myself so I found that a different touch.
Let's see what it leads in to.
Greg
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Well Done
I like the juxtaposition of two very different types of art: writing and drawing. The detailed descriptions of the faces, clothing, and setting are nicely consistent with the eye of a portrait artist. The impressions of her subjects appear to evolve when she draws them, as if the perspective of the artist alters the subjects themselves. It reminds me of the story of the artist who paints souls vs outer appearance. The narrator is certainly judgemental and impassive, with irritation being her only expression of emotion. You mentioned that the character may be psychotic, but I think sociopathic or psychopathic would be better descriptions. (Take a look at Wikipedia for nice broad-stroke descriptions of personality disorders and symptoms.) I'm curious if you are going to add a psychic bent to the tale. That is, if the artist steals, taints, or alters her subjects with her drawings. Nice piece.
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Thanks, S-G, I stand with you
... yes, perhaps "psychopathic" is the better description here...
This character is a "collector". I am developing her, there are several possibilities... in the end I's like people who encounter her to feel unsettled, get them reaching for closure which isn't there... an unfinished Gestalt.
The psychic angle is one possibility. Mythical/demonic is another. Does she actually change reality by drawing it? Or does she only think she does? She is full of contempt; but are the things she is contemptuous about things we'd agree are awful - are we going to identify with someone who's possibly a psycho?
But all that's a little ambitious, maybe for now I just want to get them out and read - and as good as I can make them.
THe feedback I'm getting here is great, yours included - thanks.
Best RA
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The use of language is very well done here, but in the end of this piece we're left wondering just what the hell is going on. The narrator is sketching the younger couple--that much is clear. The man, who she clearly dislikes, notices that she's sketching them and is clearly unhappy about it. Beyond that, hmmmm...I don't know. We need more. At first, I was thinking the sketch artist had the ability to change the scene by what she sketched, but I'm just not sure...you need to give us more...give us something here!
Please post more of this and continue so we'll have an idea where this is going.
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Thanks for your useful feedback - I am working to figure out
as in a jigsaw puzzle... what is enough, what is too much, what is right. I hope this character will be compelling enough to make people curious enough to want another piece of her.
Each story gives you pieces. They are not logical pieces however, some of them are lies or red herrings.
It is important to the conception 1) that she's just a little scary, just enough to make us uneasy and 2) that we are not sure just what or who she is, or whether the power she seems to have is real/imaginary/divine/psychotic.
Part of the reason for my posting these is to get good feedback like yours... and no she doesn't like the man in this piece, but she does in another piece.
If you have a moment, I would be delighted to listen to your views on others, too... and hope when a few more reactions are in on these that I can make the needed changes in the series and really make it work.
Best and thanks, RA
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You use language skillfully so each action blends into the next
Your writing is clear, and easy to follow so there is no problem in the way your story is told. You use language skillfully so each action blends into the next and the plot flows along. So much for ability and talent
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Now what is happening here? The middle-aged lady is rather sinister, or perhaps just to me. A watcher apparently attracted by the young couple, the male she assumes is involved in the ritual of seducing the lady Alice.
We have no clue how she knows Alice’s name. Maybe Alice is simply a pseudonym for any female. Of that I’m not certain.
She sketches the couple and they become aware she is doing it. Apparently they don’t like the idea, but they make no complaint. Odd they don’t say something to their waiter.
When our artist’s meal arrives she gives that her attention. I’m sure she has some agenda, but I’m too thick to dig it out
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You do have a nice start, I hope you bring us more.
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This was quite a different piece - not to say that I didn't like it though. I thought it was well written and I loved the narrator's icy tone of voice. The detail, imagery, and wording, were all done very well. Great job.
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Very interesting piece to say the least. I hope you continue to write this piece. I am not fully sure of her intentions with the man and alice but they seem pretty shadowy. She does seem to have a little sense of insanity that has not fully revealed itself. Not exactly what i was looking for in my contest but i did enjoy this piece very much. I would love to read more if you continue to write it. Thanks for entering.
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superb. Very good detail and imagery. Perhaps a little awkward though. You need a little less coolness to the narrator's voice to draw in the reader. Although, once I was used to her icy style, I found it easy to read as well, so maybe this is the way you wanted it. Anyway, an excellent piece, with fantastic descriptions. You know exactly what you mean, exactly what you're talking about, and I thoroughly enjoyed reading it. Thanks very much for such a good piece, it was fluent and steady, with an nice choice of vocabulary. Good work!
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Thanks, MD - I think you read to the heart of this...
... I am developing this character as someone who may or may not be psychotic but is loose in the world to do as she pleases. She is powerful, and anonymous. "Icy" is what I am aiming for.
Your profile says you draw, too... it's great combination, writing and drawing, when I travel I sketch all the time.
Thanks for the read!
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