Dripping with diamonds so carefully,1
Is the lonely one born of misery,2
You will get lost in his depths,3
Never one to give up his death.4
Crying and screaming, unmerciful air,5
Making you wait for his cold glare,6
Lying is only proving your demise,7
With finality, always hiding in his eyes.8
Such beauty lies therein waiting,9
As within cold hearts I am debating,10
Wondering if you will ever stop to know,11
What lies beyond that deathly glow.12
Glittering, shimmering like diamonds, I see,13
Thousands of your hearts are there waiting for me,14
Hiding the ice that has procured there,15
Wafting gently, waning through your hair.16
As I fade, we shall all fade away,17
Life is viewed only in shades of gray,18
Lift my lips to whisper to you,19
These forbidden words that burn right through.20
A shine to outlast all the other diamonds in this sea,21
Imploring to ignore that dreadful morbid plea,22
Combing gently through your hair with my fingertips,23
Lusting after one impure touch of your lips.24
Lovable things, the one who surely jests,25
Scratching and clawing inside of your chest,26
Revealing all the diamonds glittering within,27
Only to find they are rubies, dripping with sin. 28
Author notes
I wrote this today, though I have no idea why. It was a randomly inspired, spur-of-the-moment type thing, like most of my poetry is... Well, have fun reading it, anyway! It has been a while since I've written any new poetry, so I thought I'd take the idea and run with it. I really love the way this turned out! It came out all wicked and gothic and I really like the feel. I am not so good with poetry that rhymes either, and to be honest I usually enjoy freestyle much better. But I like it! Tell me what you think.
What did you think of this one? And please be honest!
Comments
1 - 12 of 12
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That was breathtaking. The imagery by itself was extraordinary and the flow added even more to it. I simply loved the poem - wonderful job.
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GREAT
I like rhymes but I like free styles too. Life would be quite boring if everyone wrote in rhymes; so write on whatever you feel spur of the moments are always great.
beginning: 4, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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Yes, I know the feeling. I was so unsure of writing a freestyle but the first time I did it I found I really liked it. This one is a bit more like my older style, where I used to do one's that rhymed. My friends in school used to love them but I am older now and try to write mostly to please myself. ^_^ But this had a weird way of being both what I was feeling AND somehow ended up rhyming too which is what I love about it. Wow long reply, sorry. Thanks for commenting!
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I think it is good. But then I like most of the poems I have read that you have written. You are good.
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Aww thanks! ^_^ That is really nice of you. I am always writing stuff but not that many poems lately I needed to get this one out. XD
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You could easily condense this to highlight the imagery a bit, but the melody is fine, yet the content needs some attention paid, a focus if you will. One problem with rhyming is maintaining compisitional continuity, simply is thus, not all words that rhyme make the best sense for the story inside a poem.
This is a very nice poem and I find it could be better with a little tweaking. Nice work, a well thought out peice.
beginning: 2, language: 1, plot: 2, ending: 3, dialog: 1.
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Thanks for your insight. I agree, so true! Liek I said, that is one reason I really dislike writing poems that rhyme. Or reading them, for that matter... But I do like the way it came out, over all. Thanks again!
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For some odd reason I heard Madonna half-chanting the words to me as I read your poem. Shades of "Vogue", I guess, but it helped set a very specific mood, and I liked it!
The ruby twist at the end was very cool. I imagined them spilling out of his chest like blood tumbling to the ground, glittering through her shocked fingers.
Your words brought vivid images to my mind, and I saw sadness, ache, love, hate, apathy...it was a great poem. Thanks for sharing it.
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Thanks for reading! ^_^ it's funny you should say that, b/c I really look up to Madonna she's like... my idol! XD But yes, the rubies just seemed to fit. This poem could be about a lot of different things...
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I like this poem, I like the feeling it conveys and the wording of the whole piece is very good =) It does have a slightly gothic feel, and I like that =)
Well done =D
beginning: 4, language: 5, plot: 4, ending: 5, dialog: 3, characters: 4.
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Thanks so much for reading! ^_^ My writing is definetely not normal, but it can be interesting sometimes. I guess it all depends on how you look at things, though.
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I like it! Do you???
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