We sat in silence, with only the dog’s heavy breathing. Even though there was a back seat, it was crowded in the Beamer, with the dog, Kale, and me 1
“So what’s with the dog?” Kale asked, motioning with his thumb towards the back.2
“I don’t know. He came out of nowhere and attacked one of the shooters from the house long enough for me to knock him over the head and to wait for you.” I took a big breath and continued. “He also ran out when you drove by, where as, I would have let you drive on.”3
I could feel his eyes on me as I watched the houses pass by. I wondered what was happening in those relatively normal homes? What would it be like to be normal? To have a nine to five job? A family? A dog?4
I felt a soft weight on my shoulder and turned to find a cold, wet nose resting there. I reached up and scratched the dog behind the ears.5
Kale was quiet as the sun finally rose. It's pale light peeked over the shingled roofs of the neighborhood. I was tightly wrapped. Every nerve sang with unused energy. Every sound was amplified. Touch was more sensitive and smells overwhelmed me.6
Nights of passion flashed through my thoughts and I threaded my fingers in the fur on the dog’s neck, comforted again by the unexpected familiar feel. If only the feeling couldn’t banish the memory of hands and lips, of a trail of fire across bare skin. I could still smell the faint scent of melting wax.7
I refused to think about the last night Kale and I’d been together. A warm canine sigh brought me luckily to the present. Kale had asked me a question and I asked him to repeat it.8
“Besides saving your life, what is that dog to you?” I could hear the resentment in Kale’s voice.9
I looked at him confused. He shouldn't feel threatened by a dog - that was just absurd. “Wow, you’re jealous of a dog?” I didn’t even try to keep the astonishment out of my voice.10
“I, I, I…” he stuttered.11
I held up my hand. “Don’t bother. This dog, as you sneered, my saved my life and made me feel a sense of security when there wasn’t any.” I patted the russet head. “After this is over I am going to see about adopting him.”12
The dog barked loudly, as if in approval while his tail wagged, hitting the ceiling of the car. Silence stretched on as the miles flew beneath the tire threads. I leaned my head back and managed to doze as the whisper of the engine sped on.13
***14
Kale shifted uncomfortably as he gripped the wheel hard. The leather biting into his palms irritated or annoyed him. This pain distracted him from concerning himself with the woman next to him.15
Raisa confused him and excited him in the same breath. She had incredible inner strength and a gentle touch that was unusual in the Company. It was why Sunsaray had taken an interest in her. It was what made her one of the best. And it was what made him ache for her. Kale longed to touch her, to stop the car and pull her close. He wanted to taste her, to capture her lips with his.16
He shifted again. She had made it clear on their last night together that that was not to be. He had let her go. What was he to do? She would have pulled further away. Kale let Raisa go, knowing she might never come back. And she hadn’t for over a year.17
Kale had his pick of women. What made him need her so? Through training she had been determined and smart, cunning to the point where her classmates refused to go against her.18
Kale had taken it upon himself to train her. She had risen to his challenges, put her heart and soul into defeating him.19
Friendship had turned to affection and what he had hoped was more. Now he wasn’t sure what he felt about this dog that had come into her life. Why there was animosity. Almost like it knew how he felt, how Raisa felt and had planted its haunches between them. Her proverbial wall.20
***21
The houses morphed into business gradually as the car ate up the miles. Old growth trees were replaced with new saplings giving the area a just created feel. Wispy gray clouds drifted in a robin’s egg blue sky.22
The dog barked once as we passed mom and pop motel and I sat up unexpectedly. I wiped the spittle off my chin, that had ran from my mouth while I slept. “I need to stop. Find a motel.”23
“Do you think that is wise?” Kale asked, worry tinged his voice, as he glanced in the mirrors.24
I sighed tiredly. “Look, I need to pee. And I’d like to sleep in a bed, if only for a few hours. We can fight about what to do a little later. Besides I’m sure Dugan needs a pit stop.”25
“Dugan? How do you know its name?” asked Kale, as he turned in to a parking lot.26
I shrugged while looking at the dog. “It just popped in my head.” I scratched under his chin. “What do you think boy? Do you like Dugan?”27
I got a big lick and a bark. “This looks good.” I commented as Kale parked in a semi-dark parking lot.28
“Stay here,” he ordered.29
I saluted and continued to pet Dugan. Shaking my head and breathing deeply I watched Kale saunter across the blacktop, feelings fluttered around in my chest. “Well boy, this should be interesting.”30
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ok
not my knid of story, but still quite good
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I totally understand, but thanks for stopping by and reading it.
Brooke
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Interesting switch to the emotional aspects of this story. You've hinted already that there is some kind of latent relationship between the two, and now you make it more (painfully) apparent. The dog is in an interesting limbo position, between the two; like both of your characters, I can't quite firgure out why Kale is intimidated by Dugan's presence either. *shrugs* I'm sure you'll tell us eventually. Anyways, this was a nicely crafted chapter (part of a chapter? *laughs*). Still an enjoyable story arc to read.
* Para 1: Does "beamer" need to be capitalized?
* Para 6: "It's pale light..." This should be "Its" without an apostrophe, since it's not a contraction of "it is."
* Para 7: "flashed through my thought" - I think it would sound better if "thoughts" was plural. Most people don't just have one thought in isolation.
I do like the descriptions in this paragraph though, by the way.
* Para 8: "brought my luckily to the present." I think you mean "me" and not "my"?
* Para 10: The syntax of this sentence could use a little work, to make it a spot clearer: "His feeling threatened by a dog was just absurd." Maybe try something like "He shouldn't feel threatened by a dog - that was just absurd." Or play around with it, as you like.
* Para 12: You shouldn't need to capitalize "dog." Also, I think you need a comma after "sneered."
* Para 15: Interesting - this is the first time that you've switched out of Raisa's point of view. I can see why you think it's necessary here, but there's a certain level of consistency to try to maintain with narration. Maybe there is a spot earlier in the story when you can switch to someone else's POV, so this isn't so much of a surprise?
* Para 20: I don't think you need to include the word "proverbial" in the quotation marks: "Her proverbial 'wall.'"
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Thanks for pointing out the errors. And I was wondering how I could bring in Kale's point of view earlier, so that it wouldn't be a surprise. I'll have to find some way, but you are not the only person that has said that. I'm really going to look in to that.
Again thanks
Brooke
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Okay, I love this dog! Kale's not too shabby either. I'll not do the whole edity thing this time; others have done that.
I did want to mention: although it's nice to get Kale's perspective on Raisa, I'm not really feeling it. Your story is from Raisa's perspective, and I'm not really seeing how shifting to a third-person perspective is working in this story. Raisa clearly can't be knowing what's in his head, and since Kale's portion is third-person, I'm left not knowing who the narrator is at all. It just didn't seem to fit well with the first-person narration theme. If it's important to know what you wrote for Kale, for later plot development, and I assume it will be, maybe you could work it in another way? A letter she finds, a friend, a flashback, or heck, aliens. Ok, kidding about the aliens part. My first reaction was to lose that portion altogether, but it does give me the opposite perspective on Raisa and Kale's relationship, so I think the information Kale knows should end up in the story still, somehow. -
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I appreciate what you are saying on the whole Kale point of view, but wanted to make it a two character story. Irish has suggested that I bring Kale in earlier. Would that make a difference to you?
Thanks for reading.
Brooke
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Phil and Geri have already covered the things I saw.
So Raisa and 'Dugan' seem to have developed a companionship.
Nice bit of insight on Kale here as well.
Both Raisa and Kale seem to be having recurring thoughts on their past relationship. Interesting. I wonder how that may play into things later. And now they are heading back to 'headquarters', right?
Each chapter has added some new factors to the equation. I'm curious to see how this will play out from here.
Let's see what else happens in this chapter.
This is getting very interesting.
Greg
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Thanks for staying with me on this.
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you have good movement to the plot, some interesting development in your character’s personalities that helps the reader see them clearer.
Dugan? Well I’m glad Dugan is still with us. I do wonder, considering his size, is he an Irish wolfhound
?
It is strange how certain animals will attach themselves unexpectedly to a stranger. They don’t always have to be honest, law-abiding citizens. Although I have seen it happen with other animals dogs are the most notorious culprits.
Whatever your characters are, you certainly are building an emotional bond between them and the reader.
Some things you should look at:
I took I (a) big breath and continued. “He also ran out when you drove by(,) when (where or where as,) I would have let you drive on.”3
I could feel his eyes on me as I watched the houses pass by. (Wink I do hope he was watching the road?)
It’s (Its) pale light peeked over the shingled roofs of the neighborhood.
Nights of passion flashed through my thought (thoughts) and I threaded my fingers in the fur on the dog’s neck, comforted again by the unexpected familiar feel.
(If only) Only the feeling couldn’t banish the memory of hands and lips, of a trail of fire across bare skin. I could still smell the faint scent of melting wax.7
A warm canine sigh brought my (me) luckily to the present.
His feeling (feelings) threatened by a dog was just absurd.
JMHO but you are using the words feel and feeling a bit too much and they create echoes. A little changing around imparts the same idea without using the same words.
Kale shifted uncomfortably as he gripped the wheel hard. He could feel the leather biting into his palms, but he continued. ( Kale shifted uncomfortably as he gripped the wheel hard. The leather biting into his palms irritated or annoyed him. This pain distracted him from concerning himself with the woman next to him. )
Kale let Raisa go, knowing she may (might) never come back. And she hadn’t for over a year.17
and had planted it’s( its) haunches between them.
I realize it is only part of a chapter still; you have good movement to the plot, some interesting developments in your character’s personalities that helps the reader see them clearer.
plot: 5, characters: 5.
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Fantastic
I agree with eyeambaldman about the typos. A bit of sexual tension between Kale and Rasia. A man will get jealous over anything or any one,even a dog.
Good work. Keep up the series of chapter's. It's getting interesting.
Julie
beginning: 5, language: 3, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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'graph 3: I took (a) big breath
'graph 7: Nights of passion flashed through my thought(s)
'graph 7: Damn, Raisa got a little "freaky" in her? Woot!
'graph 8: A warm canine sigh brought (me) luckily
'graph 12: Remove the 1st "my" in the "This Dog, as you sneered(,) saved my life
'graph 23: The dog barked once as we passed (a) mom and pop motel-->how about "bed & breakfast" instead of motel?
Another cool chapter from the "not really senile" SageSyren!
So we get into the head of Kale a bit here and find out they were a couple once! Ouch! That should tighten up the sexual tension, but with Dugan around I don't think Kale has a chance in hell! Nicely done, Brooke! Keep it going! I'm really curious to see where this goes now. How will Raisa be perceived when she gets back to her bosses...I presume that's where she's going?
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wow I must see more of this I think i need to go bback and read the rest of this. i love what you have done so far. You put wonderful detail to your characters. I love the plot too. I'm glad I came across this
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Thanks, I'm glad you are enjoying this. And I hope you do go back and read the others.
Again thanks
Brooke
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