Like Mother, Like Daughter1
The woman gripped the wheel and nervously peered through the rain-splattered windshield. She drove slowly down the deserted dark street, cautiously looking through sheets of rain. Occasionally she craned around to gaze upon her sleeping daughter. Her beautiful little girl had turned five today and insisted she was too big for a booster seat. She looked so little, magnified by the belt slipping from her shoulder. Tight-lipped, the woman strained to see through the horrendous pelting of rain as the fast speed of the windshield wipers did little to improve her vision. 2
A red blur wavered through the windshield and she slowed to a stop. She obeyed the traffic laws even at this hour of night. The engine hummed in conjunction with the splashing of heavy raindrops and slap-slap of windshield wipers. She waited patiently and gazed once again toward her daughter in the back seat. The fine blonde hair cascaded forward partially hiding the round pudgy face.3
Her attention whirled back around as her door was flung open. Instantly, raindrops dampened her clothes and face. She stared into the barrel of a .45 automatic held by a dark hooded figure. He pulled on her arm demanding she “Get outta da car!”4
“My baby…” She protested; her voice tinged with incredulous fear. He pushed the cold barrel against her eye and cocked the pistol. She fumbled with the seat belt and as soon as it opened the gun-toting stranger tore her out of the seat and flung her to the ground. He scrambled in and gunned the motor. The tires squealed and spun as he fishtailed away, the open door flopping in his haste to get away.5
She scrambled up from the wet street, her rain-soaked clothes and hair already clinging to her skin. She watched in horror as the car swerved onto the sidewalk, barely missing a storefront and crisscrossed the street several times before coming to a sudden halt against a light post with a sickening thud.6
She ran toward the crash, heart thumping, fearing the worst. She approached and saw the car thief half outside the drivers side laying on his back with her daughter on top, jerking her head back and forth with growling, slurping sounds. The little girl looked up at her mother and smiled, revealing a blood-smeared face and red-stained, elongated eyeteeth.7
“Did I do good, mommy?”8
The mother smiled in relief.9
“You did real good, darling. I am so proud of you. Can we share?”10
“Of course, mommy, it’s way too much for me.”11
The rain stopped and the clouds parted, allowing the full bright moon to throw a dark blue hue over the two figures on the lonely street, hunched over their victim, enjoying their first mother-daughter outing.12
W/c: 45413
Comments
1 - 15 of 15
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Hey, just thought id give my 50 cents, loving the idea and the picture you paint here. This is nothing i could add to that, not even constructive criticism, it's great as it is!
However i did notice where you wrote "She drove slowly down the deserted, dark street cautiously looking through sheets of rain"
the comma should be after "street" or even keep in the comma you have and add another after "street."
Also, "Her attention whirled back around to her door flung open" - this sentence does not quite make sense, should it read "Her attention whirled back around "AS" her door flung open?"
Lastly, loved the twist, just re-read it, great stuff!!!!!
beginning: 4, language: 4, plot: 4, ending: 5, dialog: 3, characters: 5.
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Like Mother, Like Daughter
Thank you so much, Matt, for reading and commenting on my story. I asm glad you enjoyed it. Thanks for the tips on grammar, after reading the two sentences, I agree, they do sound awkward. I will certainly change those.
Sincerely,
IGWooten
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Well, I would say that you have done very well with the prompt! I was sure surprised! Keep up the great work! You're fantastic! -Liz
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Like Mother, Like Daughter
Hi Liz,
Thank you so much for reading my story and for the applause. It is much appreciated. I haven't been able to add any stoires lately because my computer crashed. I have a new computer now and will be posting more stories. I am so glad you enjoyed this one.
Stay tuned,
Ingrid
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Good twist
Both of the plot and of twisting the stereotypical victim around on its head. Hunter becoming the hunted. Well done.
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Like Mother, Like Daughter
Thank you so much for those kind comments. I am glad you enjoyed my little story.
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wow... very unexpected! I loved it.
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Like Mother, Like Daughter
Thank you, I am glad you enjoyed it.
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He, he, what a twist...
The story completely justifies the title. like mother, like daughter. i was scared the daughter was dead, but need not have worried much anyways...ha habeginning: 2, language: 5, plot: 4, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 3.
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Thank you for reading my little story. Glad you liked it.
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Wow
I thought that the ending was weird. But I like weird, so its cool. Unexpected too. -
Wow!!! That was awesome! I didn't expect that to happen!!! that was awesome!!! I realy thougth the girl was in trouble! But she..whoa! Great job!
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wow! thanks. I am so glad you liked it. I had so much fun writing it.
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OH MY GOD! You have done an EXTREMELY good job with this story. I ADORE the way you lead us on to believe that...well, the daughter was in danger and the mother thought her daghter was dead. At one point i wanted to leave because it became typical. But i read on, hopeing it would get better, and it did!
I don;t know you, but i worship this piece of writing, and probably any others like it.
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Like Mother, Like Daughter
Thank you so much for that wonderful praise and applause. I am so glad you enjoyed this story. I wrote this for a flash fiction contest on another site and won second place. The prompt was "Surprise Me". I will return the favor soon by reading some of your work.
Thanks once again,
IGW
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