It has been 6 years since the meteor almost hit earth. The media named that day, Red Dawn. There has been reports, ever since, of people all over the world acquiring strange powers. Some end up dying because they don't know how to use them. Some end up killing somebody because of the lack of control. There was a report of a man gaining the ability to telleport, and then he appeared in front of a train, he was smashed by that train. Me, on the other hand, i can control my super speed now.1
After my brother disappeared, my grandmother, ended up dying because of the grief, and old aged. I went to a foster home, and continued to study under my sensei, Konomaru. He taught me, Kendo, the way of the sword. Also, i learned Wing Chun, Taekwondo, and Karate. My sensei was very knowledgeable, and he taught me well. I grew up to this, the discipline, and the skill. He also taught me how to manage my power, to a certain degree. When i turned 17, him and his daughter, Hitara, threw me a birthday party. It was all going well, until a tall dark man entered the room. He said his name was Buki Surugi, and that he was going to kill Konomaru for some reason.2
I lunged at him, but he had some kind of telekinesis power and lifted me up with his mind. He slammed me against the wall and held me there. He did the same to Hitara, slammed her up against the wall next to me. My Sensei drew his sword and fought with him, but it did not phase him. He fought my sensei, still holding me and Hitara against the wall. My sensei sliced at him, but it just made him even more angry. My sensei knocked Buki's sword out of his hand and was about to swing the final blow, but Buki caught it. As he caught it, the blade slice down his hand, but he gripped it even harder, and snapped the blade. Konomaru was stunned, as his sword fell to the ground in pieces. Then my sensei was pushed up into the air and held by Buki's mind power. Buki picked up my sensie's broken blade a lunged it into his heart. Hitara cried out in horror as her father cried out in pain. As he pulled the blade out of Konomaru's heart, my sensei dropped to the ground. His lifeless body hit the floor with a loud thud, landing in his puddle of blood. 3
Buki Surugi turned and walked out, and as he was leaving he turned and looked at me and smile the most evil smile anyone could ever have. "You're very lucky my master has placed an interest in you." he said, and then he left. We were still held against the wall, which shows the extent of his power, and we didn't hit the floor until five minutes later. As soon as we hit the floor we both rushed to sensei's body, but there was no life left. Hitara buried her face in her hands and started to cry. I looked down at Sensei's hilt from his broken sword to find a fragment of Surugi's clothing. When the police got there, we told them everything that happened, and that was the last i saw of Hitara. I did, however, swore that i would find that man and make him pay.4
Ten years have passed by now since red dawn. After I disappeared, my parents thought i was gone for good. They sent out search parties, talked to the police, but there was nothing found. The sad part about it was i was there the whole time. In a different world, i was living in a shadow, the shadow of Akuma. I was haunted by him. Everything was grey, and i heard a consistent, deafening sound of Akuma's screams, and painful cries. He was bound to me, I was the Demon Akuma, and he was me, Ozimistu Nurama. After a while i finally gained the ability to control my invisibility, and appeared at the kitchen table when my parents were eating dinner. That scared the living hell out of them and caused then to go insane. So i was put in a foster home. 5
As i grew up i went through high school and now I go to Norigama Prep-School. It is a college preparation school for young adults that wanted to get a little bit more education before they went off to college. I still do not have very many friends, but i have a few now. Really i only have one. His name is Keniji Kugami. He's a slacker so i didnt expect to see him in the hallways when everyone else was there. As i walked through the hallway, it was like trying to part water with a knife, there were so many people. I kind of bumped into a girl who was rushing to the office, but she looked new so it didn't matter. Her papers scattered in the air, which made me grin a little bit. That was the highlight of my day so far. 67
I would pass by all sorts of people, and you would think that things would be different when you are out of high school, but things are the same, we are just older. I round the corner to my class room just in time for the bell to ring. But as i enter, i feel this jolt of energy combined with pain run through my body. "Not again!!" i thought to myself. I grabbed at my chest just to feel the pain rising to my head. "Ozimistu, what is wrong?" the teacher asked. I just responded with a cry of pain. I grabbed at my head, and fell to the ground. The only thing i could hear is a raspy, low voice saying, "You are apart of me, I am bound to you. You are mine."8
RING!!!RING!!! "Keniji", the teacher yelled out. "Uuuuhhhgg!!!!" i replied. "OH shit!! I'm late for class." "Yes you are..." the teacher snapped sarcastically. "Well, that was an interesting lecture, but i got to run!" I said as I ran out of the room. Norigama Prep was a very large school, so it would take some time to get to my next class. However, the good thing about being late is there is no one in the halls, so I could run as fast as I wanted to. So I started to pick up speed and race through the halls like a speeding bullet. Passing through hallway after hallway, rounding the corners like a blur of color. I was almost there when !!!BAM!!! I ran into someone. We both fell to the ground, and papers scattered everywhere. It was a girl, and from the looks of it she was new. "Sorry," I said, "just trying to get to class." "Oh, well its my fault." she said, "I should have watched where i was going." As i was getting up i started to help her pick up her papers, and i noticed i weird necklace on her neck. On the necklace was a crystal, and it was a weird greenish color. My thoughts were pushed aside by her name, "My name is Hitara." I was shocked, i fell back a little bit and my eyes got real big. Could it be Hitara, my senei's daughter. I have not seen her for 4 years. I'm guessing she doesn't recognize me. As I stood up, I said, "I have got to go, im sorry about running in to you. I will see you around, ok." and i ran of.9
I arrived at my room, where my next class was but i could not get in. There was a crowd of people standing outside classroom. I over heard that a student passed out. As i made my way through the students, i stopped in shock. It was Oz lying on the floor. "Oz!!! What happened?" i asked anyone who knew. "He just passed out." a girl replied. Well i escorted him to the first aid office to make sure he was doing alright. As he was sitting on the bed i asked him, "Hey man what was going on back there." "I don't know man." Oz said, "I think im just sick i guess" As the nurse walked out of the room, oz leaned in close to me. "I know what you are. I didnt want to tell you this, but.....I know you have super speed. You're a freak just like me." I raised my head a little bit, "What do you mean a freak like you?" I said.10
"Well you remember when the Red Dawn happened dont you?" he said, "Well at the time that it happened i was 10, and i was about to be murdered by a demon named Akuma." I leaned back. "He was a demon that was murdered a few people in that area, i was his next victim." he said, "As he had me in his grip, we both saw the red flash, and it somehow stitched our souls together. It bound the demon to me, and now he is inside my head, tormenting me constantly. It also gave me the power of invisibility." As he told me his power he suddenly disappeared for a few seconds and then re-appeared. I was in shock. "And that is how i saw your power without you spotting me." he added. I stared off for a second to gather everything that he had told me. "That is fucking sweet!!! We could so be superheros!!!" I yelled out. "Shit man, keep your voice down." Oz snapped back, "We cant let anyone know. I can control my power and so can you, so we can keep it a secret, and make sure that no one finds out about it. We dont want to get in trouble." "Fine..", i said, "I wont use it."11
RING!!!RING!!! "Well Dude, I will see you later at the Surgami Steak and Sushi House, ok." i said as i got up. "I have some stuff to do" "Ok, man. I will see you later" Oz replied. I wandered down the hall, aimlessly to my locker. I passed by all the people that were in the halls. I didn't talk to anyone, i just wanted to get to my locker and get out. When i got there, however, it seemed that my locker was vandalized. There were slash marks in the door, like some one took a sword and went at it. There were burn marks in the slashes also. As I opened up my locker i saw that my backpack was all cut up as well. You know, i will just deal with it tomorrow, i thought. So grabbed some books and my senseis hilt from his shattered sword. And i left. I walked out of the school and decided to take the back route. I jumped the railing, and headed towards the back of the school. As I was rounding the corner, i heard a scream from the behind the loading bay. 12
I ran back there to see what it was and to my surprise there was three men standing above a woman that had been knocked down on the ground. There was another man standing against the wall, he had a katana at his side, and was overseeing the other three, or so it seemed. As i walked back there, all four men and the woman looked up at me. It was Hitara. "Keniji!!!! Help me!!" she cried out. It seems she recognizes who i am now. "Huh!! You know this asshole?" the man against the building yelled out. "Well, we can show him a good time, cant we fellas, and then we can get back to this bitch." As he said that, the other three started to surround me. Now time stops. I have a decision to make. Do i try and fight four guys with my normal strength and speed, or do i break my promise and....well time's up. 13
A punch to the face broke my concentration. I stumbled back and kind of smiled. "That was not a wise decision for you guys to make" i said. Remembering my sensei's training on my martial art skills, i moved with quick speed, elbowing one guy in the chest. As my elbow hit his chest, i brought my fist up into his chin, knocking him up into the air. I noticed the other two decided to run after the Hitara, i guess hoping to use her as a hostage or something. That wasn't going to happen. I shot over there in a flash, kicking the legs out from under one, and side kicking the other. Before one coudl hit the ground, i grabbed his leg and tossed him into the other and knocked them out cold. 14
As I walked towards the last guy, who seemed to be the leader of this pussy excuse for a posy, Hitara was up on her feet, surprised that i moved so fast, but i dont think she cared seeing as how i was winning. I started to walk in the direction of the last guy, and he shouted out, "That's pretty impress...." "Hold on," i interrupted, "You wanna know what is impressive? You and me fighting, you with your katana and me with this broken one!!" I pulled out the hilt from my sensei's katana. As i did that, Hitara was shocked when she saw it, she obviously recognized the symbol on her father's sword. I charged at him, with lightening speed. When I swung, I completely missed. He dodged it. How could he. He moved with the same speed that i had. Surprised, i was caught off gaurd, and i was cut across the shirt. I stepped back, feeling the pain from the cut, as he swung again. I dodged and moved across the yard, him directly behind me. As he swung, inches away from my face, i stepped back just in time. Oh know, kick to the chest. The swing to my face was a distraction. I took the blow and then took two more cuts to the chest before i hit the ground. 'Man!', i thought, 'This guy is kicking my ass. And how did he get this power too, did he see the red flash also?' 15
"You aren't very impressive now are you?" he smarted off to me. "Now i think i will just kill you!!!" Hitara shot out in front of me. "Nooo!! This is my fight!!" she yelled out, "I will not let you die for me Keniji." "HAHAHAHA!!!!" Keniji laughed, "It is a little bit one-sided, isn't it? However, you don't have a choice. For some reason something is empowering me to defend you. This guy is an asshole, but that is not the reason. I just cant control the urged to fight for you." I stood up and put my hand on Hitara's shoulder. It was like the Red Dawn all over again. When i placed my hand on her shoulder, there was a red flash that emitted from somewhere. It was coming from the crystal around her neck. The crystal started to rise up, and it was generating such a power, so much energy. Then the energy shot through Hitara's body and into my hand. 'What the hell is this' I thought. 'This feeling, this energy.' As it shot through my body, i felt it sail up my arm, through my chest and out my other arm.16
As soon as it hit my hand a flash of light shot out of my senseis broken sword. It created a blade of pure energy, that extended out of the hilt of the sword. "Where did this energy come from, Hitara?", but as i asked that Hitara, looked faint and fell to the ground. I looked past my energy blade straight at him. "Now its my turn!!!" I yelled as i shot out after him. "Take this!!!!" i shouted as i swung. It seemed that he was in shock because he did not moved until the last minute. That did not matter, though, my blade of energy sliced through the ground like a knife through butter, and shot out a blast of energy. It hit him and shattered his sword. It tore through him, and left nothing on him, his naked ass hit the ground.17
I looked down and saw that Hitara had passed out. I picked her up and took her to the hospital, and left her there in the care of the nurses. I would go back and check on her later, it would give her time to rest. I headed down to the Surgami Steak and Sushi House to meet Oz there. He had been waiting on me for a while now. I'm sure he was getting pissed that i was not there. Plus it was getting kid of late too, i would be surprised if he was still there. 1819
I decided to take a shortcut down this ally, because the steak house was on the other side. As I was walking down the ally I passed by this woman, who was kind of badly beaten up. She was dressed poorly, and looked like she had not taken a bath in a while. As she passed by i noticed on the back of her neck a tattoo. It was the same marking as the ones on Oz's chain bracelets, surrounded by a symbol in the shape of a diamond or a crystal. I also had this strange dark feeling from her when she passed me. It was the feeling like i have with the memory of my brother. Its the feeling of being haunted by something. Something that eats away at you everyday. I know that feeling all to well.
A contest entry
- Two Options by moonwriter.
600 points, ended October 3, 16 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
I need direction on where to go next, so please submit ideas
Comments
1 - 7 of 7
-
Commentary Critique/ Needs Minor Fixing
I think that the first and foremost thing you need to pay attention to is the numerous grammatical errors you have- even though they are small by comparison, combined they would make the storyline feel off balance more and more. So my suggestion would be is to go through this story (being very thorough) and use spellcheck or a second set of eyes to catch your mistakes if not point them out.
________________________
(Sorry for the lengthy corrective suggestions)
Parag. 1, 2, 3, 4, 6
It has been 6 years since the meteor almost hit earth. The media named that day, Red Dawn. There have been reports, ever since, of people all over the world acquiring strange powers. Some end up dying because they don't know how to use them. Some end up killing somebody because of the lack of control. There was a report of a man gaining the ability to teleport, and then he appeared in front of a train, he was smashed by that train. Me, on the other hand, i can control my super speed now.1
After my brother disappeared, my grandmother ended up dying because of the grief, and old aged. I went to a foster home, and continued to study under my sensei, Konomaru. He taught me, Kendo, the way of the sword. Also, i learned Wing Chun, Taekwondo, and Karate. My sensei was very knowledgeable, and he taught me well. I grew up to this, the discipline, and the skill. He also taught me how to manage my power, to a certain degree. When I turned 17, he and his daughter, Hitara, threw me a birthday party. It was all going well, until a tall dark man entered the room. He said his name was Buki Surugi, and that he was going to kill Konomaru for some reason.2
I lunged at him, but he had some kind of telekinesis power and lifted me up with his mind. He slammed me against the wall and held me there. He did the same to Hitara, slammed her up against the wall next to me. My Sensei drew his sword and fought with him, but it did not phase him. He fought my sensei, still holding me and Hitara against the wall. My sensei sliced at him, but it just made him even angrier. My sensei knocked Buki's sword out of his hand and was about to swing the final blow, but Buki caught it. As he caught it, the blade slice down his hand, but he gripped it even harder, and snapped the blade. Konomaru was stunned, as his sword fell to the ground in pieces. Then my sensei was pushed up into the air and held by Buki's mind power. Buki picked up my sensei’s broken blade a lunged it into his heart. Hitara cried out in horror as her father cried out in pain. As he pulled the blade out of Konomaru's heart, my sensei dropped to the ground. His lifeless body hit the floor with a loud thud, landing in his puddle of blood. 3
Buki Surugi turned and walked out, and as he was leaving he turned and looked at me and smiles the most evil smile anyone could ever have. "You're very lucky my master has placed an interest in you." he said, and then he left. We were still held against the wall, which shows the extent of his power, and we didn't hit the floor until five minutes later. As soon as we hit the floor we both rushed to sensei's body, but there was no life left. Hitara buried her face in her hands and started to cry. I looked down at Sensei's hilt from his broken sword to find a fragment of Surugi's clothing. When the police got there, we told them everything that happened, and that was the last i saw of Hitara. I did, however, swore that i would find that man and make him pay.4
As i grew up i went through high school and now I go to Norigama Prep-School. It is a college preparation school for young adults that wanted to get a little bit more education before they went off to college. I still do not have very many friends, but i have a few now. Really i only have one. His name is Keniji Kugami. He's a slacker so i didn’t expect to see him in the hallways when everyone else was there. As i walked through the hallway, it was like trying to part water with a knife, there were so many people. I kind of bumped into a girl who was rushing to the office, but she looked new so it didn't matter. Her papers scattered in the air, which made me grin a little bit. That was the highlight of my day so far. 6
__
Parags. 9 - 13
RING!!!RING!!! "Keniji", the teacher yelled out. "Uuuuhhhgg!!!!" i replied. "OH shit!! I'm late for class." "Yes you are..." the teacher snapped sarcastically. "Well, that was an interesting lecture, but i got to run!" I said as I ran out of the room. Norigama Prep was a very large school, so it would take some time to get to my next class. However, the good thing about being late is there is no one in the halls, so I could run as fast as I wanted to. So I started to pick up speed and race through the halls like a speeding bullet. Passing through hallway after hallway, rounding the corners like a blur of color, I was almost there when!!!BAM!!! I ran into someone. We both fell to the ground, and papers scattered everywhere. It was a girl, and from the looks of it she was new. "Sorry," I said, "just trying to get to class." "Oh, well it’s my fault." she said, "I should have watched where i was going." As i was getting up i started to help her pick up her papers, and i noticed i weird necklace on her neck. On the necklace was a crystal, and it was a weird greenish color. My thoughts were pushed aside by her name, "My name is Hitara." I was shocked, i fell back a little bit and my eyes got real big. Could it be Hitara, my sensei’s daughter? I have not seen her for 4 years. I'm guessing she doesn't recognize me. As I stood up, I said, "I have got to go, I’m sorry about running in to you. I will see you around, ok." and i ran of.
Parag. 10
I arrived at my room, where my next class was but i could not get in. There was a crowd of people standing outside classroom. I over heard that a student passed out. As i made my way through the students, i stopped in shock. It was Oz lying on the floor. "Oz!!! What happened?" i asked anyone who knew. "He just passed out." a girl replied. Well i escorted him to the first aid office to make sure he was doing alright. As he was sitting on the bed i asked him, "Hey man what was going on back there." "I don't know man." Oz said, "I think I’m just sick i guess" As the nurse walked out of the room, oz leaned in close to me. "I know what you are. I didn’t want to tell you this, but.....I know you have super speed. You're a freak just like me." I raised my head a little bit, "What do you mean a freak like you?" I said.
Parag. 11
"Well you remember when the Red Dawn happened don’t you?" he said, "Well at the time that it happened i was 10, and i was about to be murdered by a demon named Akuma." I leaned back. "He was a demon that was murdered a few people in that area, i was his next victim." he said, "As he had me in his grip, we both saw the red flash, and it somehow stitched our souls together. It bound the demon to me, and now he is inside my head, tormenting me constantly. It also gave me the power of invisibility." As he told me his power he suddenly disappeared for a few seconds and then re-appeared. I was in shock. "And that is how i saw your power without you spotting me." he added. I stared off for a second to gather everything that he had told me. "That is fucking sweet!!! We could so be superheroes!!!" I yelled out. "Shit man, keep your voice down." Oz snapped back, "We can’t let anyone know. I can control my power and so can you, so we can keep it a secret, and make sure that no one finds out about it. We don’t want to get in trouble." "Fine...” i said, "I won’t use it."
Parag.12:
RING!!!RING!!! "Well Dude, I will see you later at the Surgami Steak and Sushi House, ok." i said as i got up. "I have some stuff to do" "Ok, man. I will see you later" Oz replied. I wandered down the hall, aimlessly to my locker. I passed by all the people that were in the halls. I didn't talk to anyone, i just wanted to get to my locker and get out. When i got there, however, it seemed that my locker was vandalized. There were slash marks in the door, like some one took a sword and went at it. There were burn marks in the slashes also. As I opened up my locker i saw that my backpack was all cut up as well. You know, i will just deal with it tomorrow, i thought. So while grabbing some books and my sensei’s hilt from his shattered sword. And i left. I walked out of the school and decided to take the back route. I jumped the railing, and headed towards the back of the school. As I was rounding the corner, i heard a scream from the behind the loading bay. 12
Parag.13:
I ran back there to see what it was and to my surprise there were three men standing above a woman that had been knocked down on the ground. There was another man standing against the wall, he had a katana at his side, and was overseeing the other three, or so it seemed. As i walked back there, all four men and the woman looked up at me. It was Hitara. "Keniji!!!! Help me!!" she cried out. It seems she recognizes who i am now. "Huh!! You know this asshole?" the man against the building yelled out. "Well, we can show him a good time, cant we fellas, and then we can get back to this bitch." As he said that, the other three started to surround me. Now time stops, and I have a decision to make. Do i try and fight four guys with my normal strength and speed, or do i break my promise and....well time's up.
__
Parag.14 - 19:
A punch to the face broke my concentration. I stumbled back and kind of smiled. "That was not a wise decision for you guys to make" i said. Remembering my sensei's training on my martial art skills, i moved with quick speed, elbowing one guy in the chest. As my elbow hit his chest, i brought my fist up into his chin, knocking him up into the air. I noticed the other two decided to run after the Hitara, i guess hoping to use her as a hostage or something. That wasn't going to happen. I shot over there in a flash, kicking the legs out from under one, and side kicking the other. Before one could hit the ground, i grabbed his leg and tossed him into the other and knocked them out cold.
As I walked towards the last guy, who seemed to be the leader of this pussy excuse for a posy, Hitara was up on her feet, surprised that i moved so fast, but i dont think she cared seeing as how i was winning. I started to walk in the direction of the last guy, and he shouted out, "That's pretty impress...." "Hold on," i interrupted, "You wanna know what is impressive? You and I fighting- you with your katana and me with this broken one!!" I pulled out the hilt from my sensei's katana. As i did that, Hitara was shocked when she saw it; she obviously recognized the symbol on her father's sword. I charged at him, with lightening speed. When I swung, I completely missed. He dodged it. How could he. He moved with the same speed that i had. Surprised, i was caught off guard, and i was cut across the shirt. I stepped back, feeling the pain from the cut, as he swung again. I dodged and moved across the yard, him directly behind me. As he swung, inches away from my face, i stepped back just in time. Oh know, kick to the chest. The swing to my face was a distraction. I took the blow and then took two more cuts to the chest before i hit the ground. 'Man!', i thought, 'This guy is kicking my ass. And how did he get this power too, did he see the red flash also?'
"You aren't very impressive now are you?" he smarted off to me. "Now i think i will just kill you!!!" Hitara shot out in front of me. "Nooo!! This is my fight!!" she yelled out, "I will not let you die for me Keniji." "HAHAHAHA!!!!" Keniji laughed, "It is a little bit one-sided, isn't it? However, you don't have a choice. For some reason something is empowering me to defend you. This guy is an asshole, but that is not the reason. I just can’t control the urged to fight for you." I stood up and put my hand on Hitara's shoulder. It was like the Red Dawn all over again. When i placed my hand on her shoulder, there was a red flash that emitted from somewhere. It was coming from the crystal around her neck. The crystal started to rise up, and it was generating such a power, so much energy. Then the energy shot through Hitara's body and into my hand. “What the hell is this” I thought, “This feeling…this energy?” As it shot through my body, i felt it sail up my arm, through my chest and out my other arm.
As soon as it hit my hand a flash of light shot out of my senseis broken sword. It created a blade of pure energy that extended out of the hilt of the sword. "Where did this energy come from, Hitara?" But as i asked that Hitara, looked faint and fell to the ground. I looked past my energy blade straight at him. "Now it’s my turn!!!" I yelled as i shot out after him. "Take this!!!!" i shouted as i swung. It seemed that he was in shock because he did not moved until the last minute. That did not matter, though; my blade of energy sliced through the ground like a knife through butter, and shot out a blast of energy. It hit him and shattered his sword. It tore through him, and left nothing on him, his naked ass hit the ground.
I looked down and saw that Hitara had passed out. I picked her up and took her to the hospital, and left her there in the care of the nurses. I would go back and check on her later, it would give her time to rest. I headed down to the Surgami Steak and Sushi House to meet Oz there. He had been waiting on me for a while now. I'm sure he was getting pissed that i was not there. Plus it was getting kid of late too; i would be surprised if he was still there.
I decided to take a shortcut down this ally, because the steak house was on the other side. As I was walking down the ally I passed by this woman, who was kind of badly beaten up. She was dressed poorly, and looked like she had not taken a bath in a while. As she passed by i noticed on the back of her neck a tattoo. It was the same marking as the ones on Oz's chain bracelets, surrounded by a symbol in the shape of a diamond or a crystal. I also had this strange dark feeling from her when she passed me. It was the feeling like i have with the memory of my brother. It’s the feeling of being haunted by something. Something that eats away at you everyday, I know that feeling all to well.
. Rewarded 8
-
Despite the fact that this chapter had much more detail and the like, I have a feeling that the first chapter was better. The reason for this is that simply the first person was extremely passive. Despite you speaking in “I”s and the like, it sounded like everything was from third person. In addition, there were two extreme flaws here. One, why would they have to keep their powers secret if they had become common after the Red Dawn? Second, why would they be fighting with sword at school? Whether taking place in the present or the future, that wouldn’t happen. If anything, they’d use knifes or handguns. This isn’t the age of the samurai. No one has carried around swords in Japan since they were outlawed in the Meiji era. (And if anyone is wondering, yes, I do read Ruroni Kenshin.) Please try to get your Japanese facts right before you create a story.
Now that I’ve gotten that frustrating bit off my chest, I have to point out that once more there was a lack or proper spelling, punctuation, and capitalization. Please try to fix those areas. When you jumped from Kenjii’s to Ozimitsu’s, there was no way of telling so. I recommend you put a divider of some sort.
Red Dawn is a wonderful, new idea, but you have to be sure of common Japanese historical and cultural facts before rushing into these things. I don’t mean to insult you, for anyone could make these errors, just try to look these things up before writing them out. If you ever have a question on such a thing, feel free to ask me, the Japan obsessed manga freak.
-
Amazing.
Thanks sir. I appreciate it. I think it would turn out alright. Maybe with a musicbox playing behind it. I am going to write a lullaby next. We could work on it together. But as far as this goes, I like how it's going. Just keep working on building your characters and intertwining the stories. Oh, and I think it's time to bring in Kioshi.
-
GOD! Every chapter makes me want more so get to work! lol. But yeah, I can't wait to read the next one. =)
. Rewarded 4
-
Still liking it!!! XD
-
Ok,a few typos I found. Otherwise, I thought it was all great. I loved the details on the fight, it was really good. Strong ideas and a good plot. Just make sure it's obvious when you change points of view, otherwise it gets confusing for the reader. Anyway, great story. I'll have a think about what should happen next. Keep it up!
. Rewarded 6
-
Great!
I like your style.This time you've described nearly everything in details.Introduced more charachters and things are trying to make sense.I really liked the names you've used ,the way you've described fights and things of that kind.You'e definitly good at this genre.Sorry about not being able to give any ideas ,about am not good at it.
. Rewarded 6
Adding your comment:
1 - 7 of 7
