Brotherly Love?

"In loving memory of Jeys Endleton1

First true love who still holds my heart in his death-cooled fingers."2

From where I’m sitting I can’t actually see the words, because they’re on the other side of the cross, but I know they’re there anyway. I have my back to the grave at the moment, leaning my spine on the icy stone, which is cold even through my shirt. A rose is brushing on my foot, scattering dewdrops on my old trainers. Over the hill and between the old pine trees, I can see the sun rising, spilling blood red onto the clouds. The colour is too strong for my eyes so I turn back to looking west, where the sky is darker. I can see a star or two, but most are hidden behind the smog. The sounds of early morning traffic are beginning and I have to go. Shrugging, I get to my feet and brush the leaves off me.3

As I walk through the graveyard I pull a cigarette from my pocket and light it. A twinge of guilt runs through me as I remember I promised to quit. But with Jeys gone… why should I? There’s no one who really cares any more, not even me. Every morning I have watched that sun rise on his grave, seen the ground sparkle in the dew, and every morning I cry until I haven’t a single breath left in me to cry another tear. Then I fall into a cold, waiting silence, until I hear the cars and know I have to begin the day.4

All around me are graves, graves and more graves, spreading as far as my eyes can see. Peaceful and silent and utterly ruinous. Outside, they appear fairly well-tended, with reasonably clipped grass and fresh flowers dotted around, but the headstones have crumbled and weathered with age, and inside the graves lies nothing. Only sadness and clinging memories. Dead spirits, tattered angels, frozen devils.5

As I walk on I notice one of the gravestones has been smashed. Pieces of shattered marble splay across the pathway like little chips of ice, and equally empty and cold. A band of yobs most likely… I can’t help wondering if someone will find this, and report the damage, or if it will just lie here, untouched, unimportant, left to vanish like the souls all around here.6

When eventually I reach the gates, I feel, as always, as though I’m being dragged back. The wind picks up, as it does every day, making my neck prickle. I’m sure there must be some odd shape in the wall here to make the wind gust and whisper like that. Then again… it always sounds as though I’m being called back. Some mornings I could swear I heard Jeys murmuring my name and telling me to come and find him. On the other hand, I know he wouldn’t call me to join him below the earth. He wanted me to live. So, if I really hear something beyond my imagination, it’s not Jeys. It’s some spirit, bleeding and broken, trying to draw me to them. And it has come so close now. My penknife is always in my pocket, clipped to my keys. Sometimes it seems so simple just to take the escape it offers me, the bridge to Jeys. But I never have done.7

It’s only when I close the gate that the whispering stops, like I’ve suddenly been released. I’ve begun to wonder if I should come every day. What if, one day, the hold is too much and I can’t just walk back into my own life? But that risk is one I’m willing to take, because this is the closest I can be to Jeys. And I need this brief contact, though it’s only with the stone that marked his life. It’s enough to hold my heart in shape, though I’m not sure what sort of a heart it is any more. It didn’t break in two… it tore to shreds. I keep kidding myself that if I hold on long enough someone will come along with a needle and thread to patch it back up. But it will take too much patching. It isn’t going to happen.8

My thoughts drift back to the words on the tomb. ‘In loving memory’… my memory. Nobody else’s. I was all Jeys had and I loved him more than I knew I could. Whatever I was doing, he was constantly on my thoughts, always clinging to the unnoticed tendrils of my mind. And to have him there made me feel safe. But those words… there were so many better ones. I’m sure if I’d tried for long enough I could have found some. Nobody else loved Jeys. It was always just me and him, holding it together. I guess his heart was just too shattered for one girl to piece back up. Like mine is now…9

I’ve been so lost in my thoughts I haven’t noticed where I’m going. Somehow, and I wish I knew how, I have ended up outside Temerise’s house. Jeys’ brother. The one who ripped up his heart. And also the one who chose the words marking out the top of his headstone. In loving memory. If Temerise had loved his brother it wouldn’t have to be a damn memory! Jeys would be here beside me, an arm around me, hugging me. He could have survived everything else if Temerise had just cared. I hated him. At the funeral… so cynical, so sickeningly sweet, with his softy eyes and open weeping. It made me want to puke. And then he had picked the words. I remembered running away from him afterwards, screaming at him. I have no idea what I said. It’s probably a good thing I can’t remember. I’d only spend all my time wishing I’d chosen better insults.10

The house is big, but every curtain is drawn despite the hour, and the building has a closed feel to it. Like someone is hiding. It makes me shiver. If I didn’t know Jeys had killed himself, I would have said Temerise had done it and had a guilty conscience that he was trying to hide. But then, it was Temerise’s fault, so he should feel guilty. I'm glad. I hope it eats him alive. Overhead the sky lets out a faint rumble, as though agreeing with my angry thoughts, and the first tongue of lightning licks across the sky which, barely ten minutes ago, was bathed in warm sunlight.11

As I stand there staring at the place, rain soaking down on me, the door opens. Temerise is standing there watching me, leaning on the doorframe with his arms folded. “Are you coming in?” he asks eventually. I can’t find a way to respond so I just stare at him. He looks more tired than I remembered, and I’m sure he’s thinner. His eyes have a hollow, empty look… the sort of look Jeys had after he died. I can feel tears well within my eyes at the memory and clench my jaw to stop them spilling. After a few moments of waiting for a response, Temerise sighs. “Come in, Jalie. You’re wet.”12

Before I can stop him, he has my arm in his hand and is steering me in the door.13

Inside is dark, so dark I can hardly see. Temerise flicks a switch, bringing on a very dim lamp overhead, and strolls off down the corridor to the kitchen. I blink around. The hall is utterly plain. So plain it’s hard to describe. Just white walls, a sort of greeny carpet and a few landscape pictures. Absolutely nothing personal. Hesitantly, I follow Temerise’s footsteps, and find myself in what must be a living room. It’s so different from anything I’ve ever seen, I just stop and stare. The whole room is black… the carpet, walls, ceiling, even the fireplace. The only colour is hints of blue, and then bright pinprick stars everywhere, ranging from minutely small, to as large as my palms. Even the furniture is black, and because of the dim light, I almost fall over a stool on my way to the couch. The cushions are soft and velvety and it feels good to be in the warm again. The fire is lit, crackling gently and sending warmth through me.14

Temerise is in the room beyond, probably the kitchen, and I can hear a kettle boiling. A sense of unreality touches me. I am sitting in the childhood home of my dead boyfriend, about to allow his brother, who I hate beyond anything, to serve me a hot drink. I must be dreaming.15

After a few minutes, Temerise reappears, carrying a cup for me and one for him. He hands it to me without a word and then sits opposite the couch, looking away. Neither of us speak for a long time. He’s just staring at the fire, while I am staring at him, wondering why it happened, why he never loved Jeys back. Finally anger gives me courage to speak. “Temerise.” He looks up, his empty eyes flickering slightly. I take another deep breath. “Temerise, I have to know. Why?”16

He shrugged and leant back. “I don’t think you have the time.” he said quietly. “And I don’t think you’ll want to hear it.”17

“How could I not have the time to hear why you murdered your brother! I loved him!”18

He shuddered as I spoke. “I didn’t kill him.”19

“You ripped up his heart by never caring. You killed him.” The hate in my voice shocked even me into silence and for a moment there was no noise except the crackling fire. Then Temerise leant forwards. “Fine,” he said. “if you feel you have the time, we can talk about it. And this time, for the first time ever, I’m going to tell the truth. I owe Jeys that much.”20

I looked at him, eagerness, impatience, sadness and fury flooding through me, making my head spin slightly. He took a gulp of the coffee, ran a hand through his hair and closed his eyes before beginning. By the time he was done, I felt free. Because finally I understood. Finally I knew why it had happened. I still hurt more than I could ever come to terms with or heal from, but the confusion, the guilt, the horror, was gone. Temerise got to his feet and stretched, then took my cup and went back into the kitchen. I sat there on his couch, looking at his painted stars. They hadn’t been there when I visited with Jeys, which meant Temerise had put them there. And as I looked closer, I realised many of the stars had names under. The one directly over the fire has tiny gold writing, spelling out the word Jeys. I took a deep breath of relief. He loved him after all. And Jeys must know it now, because he was up there, free as the stars and waiting patiently for me. After all, my life went on, in loving memory of Jeys Endleton.
First true love who still holds my heart in his death-cooled fingers.

Author notes

Ok, so loads of people have said the fact I don't reveal what it was spoils the story entirely, and I'm sorry if people feel this way, but I like it way better this way; the reason wasn't the important part. So sorry if you don't like that. I'll post another version revealing it at some point, maybe, though I still like the mystery. Anyway enjoy people.

I think this is one of my best stories because I put a lot of emotion and a large amount of work into it. I also wrote it at 3AM which helps my mind to flow better, and then edited it a little the next day. , hope this is good enough for the contest.
My favourite colour is blue.
Willy Nilly: My username is Much-Dipstick. Here's your (awesome) phrase: "if willy gets the willies does nelly get the nillies?".

Darkess: My best friends are Luke and Allan (again) XD, hope it's ok to have this many pieces.

Shadows Falling: Mango's dance on the moon. ^^ I'll go comment on some of your work right now

A contest entry

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    : Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have 0. (?) (Line numbers)
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Comments

1 - 77 of 77

  • Artificial.Smiles. gold member
    August 21

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    I love this story. It's so sad and so beautiful. I had such Deja Vu when I read this, so I'm guessing I have before.

    I could tell you put your heart into this one. I loved when you say, "Who still holds my heart in his death cooled fingers." This sentence alone made me want to cry. I don't think that the story was ruined by not telling the reason. That also might be personal to you. I like it without it, I think it gives the story a little mystery.

    Still, I loved it, and thanks for always being there for me Dip

    GoodLuck!


    • Much-Dipstick
      August 21
      Edit | Reply
      I think you may be right and you've read it before in which case, thank you twice. Yes, I really did put my heart in it, though it means less to me now than it did when I wrote it. I'm glad you like that I didn't tell the reason, I guess that's just personal preferences, and thank you so much I wish I could be there for you more often . Luck to you too sweetie!


  • Clary--Selene--Tayy gold member
    August 4

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    awwww its over the limit!...but I'll still keep it shhh, i really liked this!!! it was really awesome


    • Much-Dipstick
      August 4
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      Thanks so much and I'm sorry it's over the limit! I didn't think to check that! Thanks thogh


  • Rose Hathaway
    July 13

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    This is really good and the intense emotion really comes through. I liked how you kept feeding me with clues as the story went on but the right at the end when I was excited to find out what actualkly happened you didn't tell me. I suggest to make this story better you should round the ending off by telling the readers what happened rather than just skipping over the most pivotal point in the story. Thanks for entering 'Trophy Theif!'

    • Much-Dipstick
      July 13
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      Thank you so much! I'm glad you enjoyed it and sorry you didn't like the mystery xD perhaps I will write another version with it in. Thank you!


  • Rawrr.
    July 12

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    This is great (:
    But you didn't the character didn't say sorry, it wasn't part of the story.
    Good read though.

    • Much-Dipstick
      July 12
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      Well, I was the person who said I wasn't sure it fitted, so I'll remove it thank you for commenting though. Sorry it wasn't right, and good luck!


  • toolenduso
    July 4

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    I kind of like how you didn't reveal the reason. After all, like you said, that's not the important thing. The important thing is life afterwards. However, I think including the ending may have made this story into something bigger (which I'm not sure if you want it to be bigger, but I think it could be quite incredible with this.)

    That being said, this is quite well-done. It's grounded in reality just as much as the main character is, and just as much in her head as she is. In that sense, you hit the storytelling right on.

    I also love your use of emotion in this, it so accurately portrays what's going on without being cliche or overbearing. It's just...realistic.

    So thanks for entering, and good luck in the contest!

    Style: 10/10
    Flow: 10/10
    Uniqueness: 5/5
    Readability: 7/7
    Effect: 8/10
    Lack of Errors: 3/3
    Personal Score: 5/5
    Total: 48/50

    • Much-Dipstick
      July 5
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      Thank you so much!!! Your comment was really helpful and constructive, and I'm very glad you liked it I never even considered lengthening this, so thank you also for that idea .


  • Elms Apprehended
    June 19

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    I love that you don't reveal what the mystery was. It really adds to the story.
    Thanks for entering the contest!


  • Lekos Memory
    June 14

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    I liked it and I think you should leave it just the way it is. So many people have been wanting me to change the way I write this one story, but I like it the way it is and it's staying the same. Good job. Two thumbs up!!

    Thanks for entering this into my contest.


    • Much-Dipstick
      June 15
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      Thank you I'm very glad you enjoyed it and thanks for the advice . I also like it as it is. Thanks again!

  • Marta gold member
    June 14
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    Keep the mystery. Good story.

    beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.


  • Secret.Admirer
    June 11

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    By the way, I also really like the background : ) Yeah I'm just random like that. I just have to say this 3 more times. I love your writing

    I love your writing

    I love you writing!!!

    (ok 4) Have I mentioned that I LOVE YOUR WRITING???

    Great work

  • Secret.Admirer
    June 11
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    You put so much feeling into your writing : ) It's really great to read : ) It's very original, I really enjoyed it : )

    I look forward to reading more of your work


  • Qwapple
    June 11

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    U put lots of feeling into ur work. I've never lost a brother but you've shown me how it feels like. I can feel what the character must go through. The emptiness,sadness,anger and guilt are so clear to me. It was touching really.I doubt I will ever read a story quite like yours ever again. Seriously you have so much talent you have the feeling of it all. I PRAISE YOU FOR THAT!!! Very good story you are wonderful keep writing.Like I said touching and very well writin'
    -Qwapple

    • Much-Dipstick
      June 11
      Edit | Reply
      Thank you so much I love that people make such kind comments on my work and I have never lost a brother either, so I'm glad it was realistic and powerful. Thank you so so much I really appreciate your kind words they made me so happy.


  • Hinata-is-me silver member
    May 28

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    I think that i like that you didn't reveal what he said. makes it leave more of an impression.


  • Rorshach gold member
    May 28

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    Full of emotion and questioning

    The grief, frustration and longing for answers that a suicide leaves are expressed very eloquently here.
    Writing at 3am really helps you get into the mindset of the quietness that the character is now living with. When you are alone you are forced to delve a bit deeper into your soul. It is one of the main pleasures to be had in writing.
    I was very impressed.

    • Much-Dipstick
      May 28

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      Yes I agree that writing at that time really does help, I found this so much easier. Reading back on it I sometimes actually wonder at parts of it, I barely recognise them. Perhaps that's why I like this piece. Thank you very much for your comment I'm glad I managed to express those feelings, particularly as I've never experienced them. Thank you


  • ThaliaRose
    May 27

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    i really enjoy reading this story its very interesting and i could not stop reading until the very end great job =)


    • Much-Dipstick
      May 28
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      Thanks so much I love it when people get captivated. I'm very glad you liked it. Thank you!


  • whoudini
    May 27

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    very very good and alot of emotion in

    it and will be one of my favorites and see it was deserving of all the recognition it got and thanks a great read.


    • Much-Dipstick
      May 28
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      Thank you very much, I'm really glad you liked it and thank you for commenting very much appreciated.


  • beezy92
    January 1

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    I liked this a lot...very original and still very realistic. Great write. I loved it, it was captivating. Finalist list for sure.

  • beezy92
    December 31, 2008
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    Oh me oh my! The purple on black is killing my eyes. Do you think you could change it just temporarily for the contest?

    • Much-Dipstick
      December 31, 2008
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      Yeah lol sorry, I haven't looked at this page for ages and I can see what you mean about the colours 0_0 what was I thinking? Fixing ^^

      • beezy92
        December 31, 2008
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        No I like the colors...I just have really sensitive eyes. It comes from staring defiantly at the sun when I was little. I also see bright lights floating around when I blink too hard. No joke.


  • Mads
    December 6, 2008

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    That was so great! I loved it alot! I can tell you put a ton of emotion into it! This was definatly one of my favorite's!

    Fantastic job!


    • Much-Dipstick
      December 6, 2008
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      Thanks very much I'm so glad you liked it ^^ thank you for commenting


  • Celestial Rose
    November 22, 2008

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    O.O....that's a lot of typing! WOW!!!! But, back to the story, right? I thought you did very well with this story, it seems quite interesting. I loved your descriptions!! Great!! Oh, and I really liked the backround, it seemed to add to the mood of the story. Well done!!!

  • jmcherrygirl15
    November 14, 2008

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    This story is kind of on the long side. I do love the story, thank you for entering. This is my favorite story of yours. Good luck!


    • Much-Dipstick
      November 14, 2008
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      Yeah, I guess it is a little long, hope that's ok though. Glad you liked it thanks for reading.


  • Dassy
    November 8, 2008

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    I loved ti so much! I think that knowing waht Temerise told Jalie would ahve ruined the story for me, so you made it mysterious and beautiful by not adding that. Of course it is ok for you to have this many stories! AHH i'm so glad you do actaully, or else my contest would be a complete spoof great job madre!

    • Much-Dipstick
      November 9, 2008
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      Aww, thanks soooooooooooooo much , I'm so glad you liked it ^^ and I'm glad at least some people prefer it without that information in . Thanks again!


  • callthexylophone
    November 2, 2008

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    I would have loved this story if I had known what Temerise told Jalie. Your writing is so, so, so good (except the line with "frozen devils" in it is kind of cheesy and immature for your level of writing, you can do better without it) and the story is a cop out. It really centers around Jey's death and how Jalie understands it, and without the details, the reader is left out and feels confused, as if the writer got bored and just tossed out information to end the story quickly.
    Just insert a few paragraphs about Jey and his brother and it'll be perfect, alright?
    still, great mood, good style. nice job.

    • Much-Dipstick
      November 3, 2008
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      Thanks, I like your suggestions, but my intention was always to leave the reader out of the secret. Somewhere I have an edited version where I wrote what Temerise told her, but I prefer this original one I'm afraid. I can understand what you mean, and it's something that needs work, but what he told her wasn't important; it's that he loved him. However, thanks so so much for your comment, I like getting advice on how to improve, and I agree the ending was a little rushed. So thanks again for reading and commenting thoughtfully.


  • DemApples
    October 17, 2008

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    TITLE = 2/2PTS
    STRUCTURE = 21/30PTS
    FLOW = 12/15PTS
    CHARACTERS = 17/20PTS
    IMAGERY = 16/18PTS
    DESCRIPTION = 5/5PTS
    SETTING = 10/10PTS

    total = 83/100


  • Neolittlefish
    October 17, 2008

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    Thanks so much for entering, it was a very thought provoking, deep piece of writing and I enjoyed it very much. well done, it was great|!


    • Much-Dipstick
      October 17, 2008
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      Thank you very much I'm really grateful for the comment and glad you liked it.


  • LostSoulOfRage
    September 28, 2008

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    WOW! this story is amazing! i totally love it! a very well written peice. i enjoyed it very much. great job! thanks for entering the contest!

    -LostSoul


    • Much-Dipstick
      September 28, 2008
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      Thanks so much . It's so good to know people like it ^_^. Thanks for reading and commenting


  • LittleMissChrissie
    September 20, 2008

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    This story is so descriptive, and deep, and brilliant, and well-written... I don't know what to say. Your words have left me speechless, but I can say that this was a amazing story, absolutely amazing, and to me it was like perfection itself. The emotions in the people felt real, the people themselves felt real... I loved. Spelling and grammar... excellent.

    Very well done.

    I wish you the very best of luck in the competition!

    Chrissie

    • Much-Dipstick
      September 28, 2008
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      Thank you so much!! I'm so glad you like it . I wrote it at 3AM and edited it the next morning, so I'm surprised the grammar and spelling are good, but so glad it meets expectations. Thanks very very much


  • RuiN - IbZzI
    September 4, 2008

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    wow.. u are really talented.. to put so much detail and life into something which should have been a paragraph long is amazing.. and written with such spell binding and rich use of words... im impressed... these type of story's aren't what i would normally read but the way you made the emotions come across and made the readers actually feel your characters pains and longings was very well executed... i should be taking lessons from you .. brilliant work.. i find nothing to criticize.. it was perfect


    • Much-Dipstick
      September 4, 2008
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      Thanksies. Yours was excellent too. I'm glad you thought it was good. Thanks to all my readers!!!!!!!!!!


  • hocochick08
    August 30, 2008

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    This is brillant! Your details are vivid and rich.. i can actually see myself there. I could feel every emotion your characters thought, like I was actually next to them.
    The only thing was (though this might be because I didn't catch it) that I didn't realise she was a girl until the middle.
    Very good read, none less!

    beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.

    • Much-Dipstick
      August 30, 2008
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      Thank very much ! If you have a story you would like me to read in return, please message me with the title of it . May I ask how you came by this?

      • hocochick08
        August 30, 2008
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        That would be great Once i actually write one im confident about, I will.
        It was on the front page- I think on the 'in the spotlight' section.


  • Rhubarb
    August 20, 2008

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    This is really good. You write beautifully for a 15 year old. Your descriptions of the graveyard are perfect, and I can actually see it. The characters feelings are portrayed beautifully and with real emotion. I really want to know the story Jeys brother told. I thought maybe he was going to kiss her or something!
    I love all your phrases and the story was beautiful.
    Well done, thanks for entering!

  • futureidol99
    August 14, 2008

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    This story is INCREDIBLE! The description's are vivid, the characters are real, the plot is tragic but interesting! I am enamored with the way that each character has a story. It's simply spectacular.

  • Riveralex
    August 14, 2008

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    I actually think it's very good...

    This is a proper short-story, well constructed around a clear theme. The end-beginning repeat is a neat little device. The action is credible, and again your dialogue is crisp.

    The idea of mourning like this - well, it happens to some, it's largely psychologically credible although it's not quite clear to me what was so great about Jeys. I'm willing to accept that.

    So all in all, I read the whole thing and enjoyed it. What more can one ask?

    Kind regards
    Alex

    • Much-Dipstick
      August 15, 2008
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      Thanks! I'm very glad you enjoyed it! ^^! Jeys is just great, full stop, lol. I could ahve put more description in, but it was meant to be fairly short. If I did a longer version, I would work on it. But thanks very much!


  • Audrey Akai
    August 14, 2008

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    The beginning made me wonder like.. "Ohhh, interesting"

    I thought I'll regret reading this... but I'm glad I did!!! Good job!!


  • Hells-Bane
    August 14, 2008

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    Excellent depth of emotion. The ending seemed to hurry a bit. You put so much thought into the description of the beginning atmoshere, it seems as thought the ending is cut short. While I agree with the other commentators that the reader screams to know what was said by the brother, it is not always prudent to give the reader everything they ask for. I applaud your courage in withholding. I think it lends to the overall feeling of the peice that we don't know all the details.

    I enjoyed the ride. Thank you.

    • Much-Dipstick
      August 15, 2008
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      Thanks for saying it was maybe a good thing, I was beginning to wonder. I considered adding it in, but I kind of liked it without. I might put it in eventaully, or I might not. Thanks very much ^^!


  • Shakedown
    August 14, 2008

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    I really enjoyed this. The beginning, in particular, drew me in. In particular, I really enjoyed your imagery. Conversely, the characters kind of left me cold. I think they are well written, but I wanted more fleshing out. For the main character in particular, perhaps elaborate on her feelings, especially concerning the brother character? I'm not sure if you wanted to keep it vague to try and capture the illogical need to blame, which is more a feeling than a concrete thought process or timeline. If so, I think it did work like that, but illuminating the back story, even on a small scale, wouldn't detract from that. And as others said, I would have liked to read the conversation between the main character and the brother. Even without including it all.

    Overall, really well done. A good read

    beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 3, dialog: 5, characters: 3.

    • Much-Dipstick
      August 15, 2008
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      I was attempting to keep it fairly vague, but it was a very quickly written piece, so I didn't have much time to consider my characters. I often end up doing that when I write for a contest. But perhaps I will work on it, and give the characters more personality, ect. Thanks for pointing that out, I wouldn't have noticed it alone. Thanks very much for the read and comment ^^!


  • Midnight-Engaged
    August 13, 2008

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    I thought the layout of this story was genious! How it starts in the graveyard, ends in his house. Throughout the beginning I thought the person at the graveyard was the brother, but you sort of did make that clear by using the word 'love' in a girlfriend sort of sense.

    The only problem I could see is that you skipped actually telling us what Jeys' brother had to say. Of course, what could one say to make something that ended so tragically somewhat better, but if you could come up with something, I'd edit it in. That would probably be the climax of the story.

    Aside from that, great job.


  • Yeshua
    August 12, 2008

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    I really liked it... the imagery was phenominal... (The bright blue on black was kind of hard on the eyes though) Love it


  • PeachesNscreaM-rawr
    August 10, 2008

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    Parts I liked:

    "Outside, they appear fairly well-tended, with reasonably clipped grass and fresh flowers dotted around, but the headstones have crumbled and weathered with age, and inside the graves lies nothing. Only sadness and clinging memories. Dead spirits, tattered angels, frozen devils."

    "I keep kidding myself that if I hold on long enough someone will come along with a needle and thread to patch it back up. But it will take too much patching. It isn’t going to happen."

    "I have no idea what I said. It’s probably a good thing I can’t remember. I’d only spend all my time wishing I’d chosen better insults."


    Mistakes:
    "...and the first tongue of lightening licks across..."
    "lightening" should be "lightning", because "lightening" would be used in such a context as... "The mood started lightening up" and etc... Not a big deal, though, just thought I'd point it out.


    This is SO good! I love it beyond words. Though it only goes into one issue with society, rather than many, the other entry really doesn't do much with that either.
    One thing that bugged me was that you never find out what Temerise says. It's a bit of a "cliff-hanger" (for lack of a better word) in that sense, so... Hmm... I would liked to have seen more on that, but I guess that really has nothing to do with the contest, just a personal opinion.
    GREAT job. Good luck.

    <333
    Cassy

    beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.


  • NinjaJay
    August 10, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    wow

    i really like this
    it was great
    really in depth
    and i really connected
    i love the details you put
    in the stories you write
    it makes me think im there


  • NinjaJay
    August 10, 2008
    Edit | Reply

    wow

    i really like this
    it was great
    really in depth
    and i really connected
    with it


  • Valkyrie silver member
    August 9, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Another very well-described story! I liked the detail of the events in the cemetary the best. And I bet if you added in any of Temerise's story, this tale would get reeeeeeally long!
    But, um, I actually got a headache reading this dark font against the starry background. Any chance you could maybe lighten it up, just a teensy hair? *goes to get some painkillers*


  • The Ruined
    August 9, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    That was inspiring
    I miss jeys
    I LOVE THIS STORY

    beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.


  • rockin.reader123
    August 9, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Oh. My. God.
    Truly fantastic!! I absolutely loved it. You are amazing!!!

    rockin.reader

    beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.


  • Be.Your.Own.Hero
    August 9, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    Wow Wow Wow!

    This
    Was
    AMAZING

    Seriously! Everything just flowed perfectly! How you described and expressed every emotion and feeling was just pure magic! I loved this story! It was a really powerful and inspiring read, you had me hooked and enthralled by every word! I hope you continue this, it could really go further! You really did a beautiful job Dippie and I wish you lots of luck in the contest, but apparently you don't need this. This story is really beautiful!

    ~*Princess*~

    beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.


  • Lize
    August 9, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    You bastard D: I want to know why it happened! *faints*

    Aww, I truly love this story, I love your writing style and the emotion of this story. It doesn't give you the feeling that it's just written on a rainy Sunday when the writer was bored or anything, it neither made it look like you were trying too hard to give it some emotion, something which occurs quite often. It all had a very natural feeling, you know. Almost as if it was non-fiction.

    Great job, I really, really liked it

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