The story begins with our main Character, Rose, and her move from boring Ohio to a fairly overlooked town, Eureka California. She takes advantage of this move to make a fresh start. Much to her surprise, Rose goes from having an almost non-existent social circle to having quite a few potential friends, and a potential boyfriend, Clayton. Her hopes for her and Clayton are put out, when she sets eyes on something so much more. Adrian, mysterious, quiet, and handsome has a draw to Rose that she has never felt before. Desperate to keep a hold on what she was finally gaining, she tries to make things work with Clayton, in the end only making a fool of herself. He laughed it off with her, but things weren't ever the same.1
Then, spring break comes and Rose is invited to go with her new group of friends on their annual trip to the beach. She awoke that morning, not to her alarm clock, but to an earth quake that would soon rock her world. The beach trip continued, almost as scheduled, and much to Rose's delight, Adrian was there.2
Suddenly, a friendly game of chicken turns catastrophic. The after effects of the earthquake send a Tsunami sized wave to the unsuspecting California cost. Rose should have been killed, but somehow, Adrian manages to save her, leaving hand prints in a large tree.3
As haunting dreams of an unknown man fill her nights, Rose proceeds to try and find out exactly why she is still alive, and how Adrian could have saved her. An unexpected romance builds between the two and sets free. Now her shape shifter boyfriend must defend her from a sadistic shifter who is determined to take Rose as his bride, to continue his legacy as the most feared shifter alive. Everyone in this new world knows the pains of a human girl carrying a shifter baby...Death to the mother, completely inevitable. 4
The story ends in a gruesome battle between Adrian and the shifter king, with Adrian as the winner of the prize, his beautiful Rose.
A contest entry
- Novels and Chaptered Works 2 by tallblondie.
1000 points, ended December 15, 2008, 28 entries
Honorable mention
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
-
[1] Grammar, spelling and punctuation.
The one thing I noticed was that you missed a few places with the dialogue tagging, and others, you attributed actions of other characters on the same line as those that belonged to another character. Here are a few examples:
para 35
“Where are you going?” I looked at him, attempting poorly to raise one eyebrow. He laughed at my stupidity.
The part where you refer to the male MC should be on a new line and paragraph - not tagged to the end of your female MC's actions.
The following I have spaced correctly:
para 40
“Shut up,” I joked.
He looked at me, shrugged his shoulders, and jogged off into the other direction.
“FREAK!” I yelled after him.
He turned around and gave me a thumbs up. Then I looked down at the key in my hand. So he was just going to leave me here alone in his house to sleep? I shook my head and laughed, then walked awkwardly up to his door. I fumbled with the key for a minute, seriously contemplated going back to my car, but then thought of Adrien's reaction to me still sleeping out there when he got back, and unlocked the door.
And another one that is confusing if not split up correctly:
para 54
“Yup, she's the girl.”
I smiled uncomfortably.
He rolled his eyes and laughed. “We're pretty open around here.”
I looked at him with utter disbelief on my face. Open? Right. He noticed, of course.
Just remember that what belongs to one character - speech and actions should be kept separate to what belongs to another character.
Your dialogue tagging:
Though you use the appropriate form for when speech is acknowleged by a character, you don't use the correct form when the speech is followed by action, or a complete sentence. For example:
para 58
“Sorry dude,” Andy shrugged The comma here should be a full stop.
Also, when leading into speech, if what preceeds the speech is an incomplete sentence, a comma should be used rather than a full stop. What is in the quotation marks should begin with a capital. The following is one of yours that I have corrected:
para 69
Then he changed his words to, “No, you will, but they might not be the answers you want.”
I noticed one spelling error - 'brunet' should be 'brunette'
You also need to be careful when using the conjunction 'then' - the correctly form when it is preceeded by a comma is 'and then'. For example:
para 40
I shook my head and laughed, and then walked awkwardly up to his door.
[2] Word usage.
Good descriptive language used to paint each of the scenes that your female MC moved through. The description of the bedroom was particularly well done. I also liked your description of the secondary male character - Andy - through your female MC's POV. Some of your emotive language came across as somewhat 'stock standard'. For example:
para 10
I walked through the woods. There was no moon in the sky, and nothing around me. All I could hear was the soft whoosh of the breeze in the treetops. It seemed so eerie that I couldn't help but shudder at the chills it sent into my heart. I walked and walked, but there was nothing in the forest. I wanted to yell for help, for someone to show me the way out, but something in my senses warned me that if I yelled, something I didn't want would come, and there was no one else around to hear my screams...
If I could be paid a dollar for every time I've read those popular phrases, I would be rich. Try adding variety to your writing - for instance the 'no moon' could be 'only a pale sliver of moon that cast no light' or the last part of 'no one else around' - perhaps try 'nothing but the bedraggled owl perched on a branch'. This type of description - when used well can emphasise the bleak situation better than the standard cliches.
[3] Style and continuity.
The plot seemed to flow well from start to finish - the chapter didn't appear to have any 'plot holes' or other inconsistencies. You seem to be able to use some passive voice where needed, but mostly use active voice - especially where pacing and action dictates that it should be used. Your introduction to this chapter was quite strong in that regard.
[4] Story components.
Your characters came across as well-developed and dimensional. As a reader, I felt empathy with the female MC, and her distrust of Andy was clearly illustrated. The action sequences were also well written. Apart from the problems with the dialogue that I have pointed out, this was realistic and seemed to stay true to the characters that spoke it.
[5] Literary value.
Though the chapter you provided really only had some conflict and mostly character exposition, your overall story idea (the conflict between the shape-shifters over a woman) is fairly original. With some work and editing this story will prove to be thoroughly entertaining.
Thank you for your entry in Novels and Chaptered Works 2.
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