Final Goodbye.

The funny thing about that summer was when I snuck outside and saw my dad had also snuck out also for a cigarette. I guess that’s when I knew everything would change. My dad had always been the anti-smoker. He couldn’t stand to be around smokers so when I caught him I knew things had changed.1

When I turned the corner cigarette in mouth and saw him i tried to act as nonchalant as i could. I casually walked over and sat on the deck next to him, looking off into our dark backyard like I always had done. 2

“I wont tell her if you don’t,” was all he said.3

“Deal.”4

It ended up being our thing, just sitting on the back deck silently smoking a cigarette every night around one. Then one night we broke the silence. We started talking about everything from school to my stepmother. School was going good, and dad had suspicions Kelly was cheating. We just 5

The first night, in a month, that our smoke break was missed was the night of
my friend Liz’s graduation party. School was out, I was finally 18 and no
longer had a curfew, so I went out. My best friend Aaron and I walked to the
party together, he met me at my house and from there Liz’s party wasn’t but
two blocks. The party was a riot. We were all out of high school and partied
like nothing else mattered. 6

That’s when I met him. 7

“Hi, I’m Reaf,” he said walking up to Aaron and I. Aaron who had always been
like my brother gave him a look of question.8

“Hi, I’m Aaron and this is my best friend Addy.”9

“I hate to interrupt you guys but my friends just bet me that I couldn’t get a
hug from you,” he said looking me straight in the eyes. 10

“She’s not a football game,” Aaron said menacingly.11

“He is right. I’m not a football game,” I repeated, I wasn’t appalled but a little
annoyed.12

Reaf didn’t say anything to us when he walked back over to his friends. I
couldn’t tell if he was pissed off or what. 13

“What a douche bag,” Aaron stated.14

But I was still staring at Reaf who looked to be handing his friend money, then
turned around and walked back.15

“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have been disrespectful. This time I’m asking if you
wouldn’t mind if I got to know you better before I ask for a hug again?” he
said. His eyes told me he meant what he said but I've met some pretty
convincing guys.16

“That’s my decision,” Aaron said pulling him off to the side.
Five minutes later Aaron cam back with Reaf and told me he passed Aarons
test, but I was allowed to have the final decision.17

“Thanks Aaron, I didn’t realize there was an exam before I was allowed to talk
to a boy,” I snapped at him. I loved Aaron but sometimes he played best
friend way to seriously.18

“Well at least your friends like to screen people before they let you get hurt,”
Aaron said. 19

I looked at him more closely. His eyes kept me glued, he was cute, and the
way he held himself told me he had a great body under his clothes.20

“Well then, lets go get to know each other then,” I said grabbing his hand and
dragging him away from Aaron.21

The more I got to know Reaf that night the more I liked him. I still knew how
guys were and I kept that in the back of my head so I wouldn’t be surprised if
he turned out like most of them. Around 3 Aaron told me he was heading out
and asked if I wanted to stay or walk with him. I decided it was time for me to
head out. Reaf walked me outside as Aaron went to say bye to some friends.22

“So have I gotten to know you well enough for a hug?” Reaf asked joking with
me.23

“I think you have but first here’s my number.” 24

We exchanged numbers, said our goodbyes and even though it was given
jokingly, the hug beneath the street lamp changed my summer just as much
as catching my dad sneaking a smoke.25

On the walk home Aaron asked me what I thought.26

“I think I could see him again.”27

The next night I met my dad on the back deck and shared our 1am cigarette. I
told him about Reaf and he said he needed to know for sure if Kelly was
sneaking around. I started having a feeling she was. When I woke up that
morning she said she was going to meet her sister for lunch but her clothes
said it wasn’t her sister she was having lunch with.28

Reaf called and asked if I wanted to go on a lunch date after my stepmother
left, I said yes.29

He took me to a hole in the wall place that ended up having some of the best
food I've ever eaten. We started hanging out more and more as the summer
went on. Aaron told me he wanted to get to know Reaf more if I wanted to
date him. When I told Reaf he agreed to hangout with Aaron.
Aaron gave Reaf his approval to ask me out and so began our relationship.
Reaf started coming over for dinner with my dad, my stepmother was absent
every time. 30

I kept my smoke break with my dad till the night I stayed up with Reaf to
watch the sun rise over the mountains. 31

The next day was the day dad and I decided we needed conformation about
Kelly. Aaron was the driver as we followed Kelly around for about half an hour
till she pulled into a restaurant none of us had ever even heard of. We
watched her get out of her car noticing her lack of rings.32

Aaron and I decided it would be best if we went in and acted like we were just
going out for lunch. Dad agreed. We walked inside and found her in under a
minute cuddled with a man in a booth. 33

Aaron grabbed my arm as I went towards them and told me a scene would do
nothing for the situation. So I walked over with Aaron at my side texting dad
as I went.34

Kelly spotted me with wide eyes.35

“Don’t bother coming home,” I said calmly.36

“Your father won’t believe you,” she said smoothly. It was obvious the man
knew she was married, even without her rings, by his lack of surprise.37

“Yes he will,” Aaron said. “He loves Addy more than anyone, and he loves me
more than you.” Aaron was right, he had been part of our family since I could
remember and was like a son to my dad.38

Kelly’s eyes widened and I knew dad had walked in.39

“Your sister is on the way to my house right now to pick up your things and
said to tell you don’t bother staying with her she doesn’t want someone with
your mentality around her family,” dad said very calmly walking up to the
booth. It was as if he was expecting it and only needed her to know he knew
to kick her out.40

We left without a word, or a glance back. I called Reaf to tell him I needed a
few days with my dad and Aaron, he understood.41

That was the week Aaron moved in to our spare room. His parents decided to
move up north and he was staying behind for school. That was also the week
Aaron joined in on the smoke breaks.42

I still remember the first night Reaf told me he loved me, I couldn’t say it
back. He was fine with it. It wasn’t till halfway through the first semester at
college that I said it. That was also the night we made love for the first time
and the 3rd night I missed the smoke break. Aaron and dad still kept it
without me though.43

I knew he meant his words by the way he looked in my eyes as we made love.
The way he held me and made sure I was ready. It was like those movies you
watch, like TRISTAN+ISOLDE where you can see the passion and the
emotions, except you can feel it. 44

Its one of those things you never forget, every second is captured like a
camera. I sometimes close my eyes and remember that first time. It always
makes me smile. Remembering how his hands felt as he slid them all over my
body, the moment right before he entered, it was like nothing I had ever
experienced. Going from scared to suddenly sure of what I wanted, and
myself, he was all I wanted. 45

I still feel his lips on my neck and everywhere else when I think back to that
night. Every stroke, every kiss, every breath, it’s a passion you only feel when
you know your right for somebody. It was like we fit together perfectly, emotional, heartbeat, everything was perfectly syncronized.46

His hand slid up my stomach and ending in my hair cupping my head as he
laid on top of me, kissing me like never before. His other handing sliding
down, ending between my legs, the passion that consumed was like nothing
I've ever experienced. I gripped his back and the feeling grew. Before I
reached my peak he pulled his hand away and entered. Pure ecstasy is all I
can say to describe it. Each stroke made me hold on tighter to his shoulder
blades. He looked me in the eyes and kissed me saying “I love you,” as he
held my eyes. 47

He lay beside me, making sure I was close. I would have gone home that
night but we fell asleep and stayed that way till morning. When I did go home
the next day dad was waiting in the kitchen. He just looked at me, he knew
but he wasn’t mad. He walked over and hugged me, one that said he would
always be here for everything I do and go through. He’ll be by my side.48

I remember Christmas that year, Aaron’s parents went to the Bahamas and he
stayed with us. Tradition was for dad and I to stay up all night on Christmas
and around one while watching A Christmas Story dad looked at the clock and
said smoke break with a big smile. I hadn’t seen him smile that wide since
before mom died. 49

I knew life was finally good again. 50

New Years Reaf joined us. When midnight came he asked my dad if he could
stay longer, but said it was all right if he wanted to go to bed.51

Dad laughed, “nobody in this house has gone to bed before 1:30 in a good
while.” Around one dad asked Reaf if he wanted to join us for our smoke
break. I was happy dad let Reaf in on our tradition, it told me he liked what he
saw in Reaf. Aaron spent the smoke break telling Reaf about our smoke break
and explained that’s why I always came home at one every night.52

Dad looked me in the eyes and said, “Hold on to him as long as you can.”
I smiled back at him.53

We ended up sitting on the back deck till 3 that night. Aaron and Reaf just
swapping stories, joking around and making plans for the new-year. Dad and
I just stared off into the backyard his arm around me.54

Everything was going good, and dad was happy again and Reaf started joining
us for our smoke breaks.55

Our junior year of college on the date we first met at Liz’s party, Reaf decided
to take me back to the street lamp where we shared our first hug.
Getting down on one knee he asked me to marry him, apparently he had
asked Aaron and my father permission earlier that day. 56

I said yes without hesitation. 57

It had been apparent everyone expected me too because they were waiting at home with a surprise party.58

“What would have happened if I had said no?” I asked Aaron when he gave me
a hug.59

“Then Reaf was going to call us and we were going to turn the decorations
into happy anniversary ones.” We both laughed. “But we all knew you would so
we didn’t even buy them.”60

I remember the day everything went wrong. Dad called me, even by the way
he said hi I knew something was wrong. 61

Reaf was in a horrible accident and didn’t make it out. It was possibly the most devastating night of my life. Aaron spent the night holding me, saying
nothing. Dad brought me soup, he knew it was my comfort food and the only
thing I would eat even if I didn’t want to.62

I don’t remember the funeral much, just Reaf’s mother holding me and
saying, “he wouldn’t want me crying.” I couldn’t stop myself. There were some
days I would wake up and text him good morning until I remembered he
wouldn’t get it. After a month of that happening Aaron decided to delete his
number from my phone to help me from crying every morning. It helped after
a while. 63

Time went by and things got easier. Aaron was always there and my dad
reminded me of the smoke breaks I missed locked in my room. So we made
up for it by starting movie night every Wednesday. Aaron joined us for that
too. 64

It was two years before I was finally truly happy and moved on. This is my
final note. I remember everything and will never forget, but I cant live in the past anymore. I need to be happy again without feeling guilty. I love you but ive got to leave it all behind.