It is late spring 2005, and a girl has everything except a date. She has only two short weeks in which to secure the ideal boy for her fairytale evening. Too bad for her; there is no such creature. What can she do? Don’t let this girl be you!1
The most important step is the capture. Several methods are approved of, after you have chosen an appropriately cute victim—uh, I mean, subject. Any sort of trap — a spring net for example — will work wonders in your quest to bag and tag a boy for the Prom. Lassoing is particularly satisfying: There’s just something about hog-tying a man and dragging him off. Please stop short of branding though: Your mark should be on his behavior, not on his rear. Most girls, however, choose the more conventional way of tricking the chosen boy into asking her. Feel free to be creative, though the lasso or net tend to work more quickly and with more consistent results than flirting.2
Now, you can’t just bring any knuckle-dragging, teeth-gnashing, groin-scratching Neanderthal to the Prom. You must make sure he has appropriate manners. Eating with silverware and keeping his fingers out of his nose are good things to include in the training. Also, you should oversee his dressing habits. While he would like to wear jeans and a plaid shirt, this predisposition must be overridden. Do not be afraid to tackle his dancing as well. He may be practically perfect in every way, but if he dances like an epileptic salmon, you might as well transfer schools now. Studies show that shock therapy is a tried-and-true way to stamp out all of his bad habits. Lobotomies are not recommended as they tend to make fish, not prom date. However, your method of training is entirely up to you.3
After prom, the last thing you want to be saddled with is an annoyingly perfect boy - excuse the oxymoron. Boyfriends are notoriously high-maintenance, generally useless, and incredibly grandiose. Remember: Reduce, Reuse, Recycle; or as I like to say, Recondition, Release, Recycle! First you must recondition him. This way, he will not disturb the natural order of teenage boys everywhere. I recommend you just reverse your training technique to be truly effective. He should be completely reconditioned and redressed in his crude apparel. You should take care to release him back into his natural habitat. Remember that boys are easily confused and should not be trusted to find their way back home themselves. Finally, the release should be gradual. If he is sent back too quickly he might have some nasty relapses. You must not let him warn the others of this spring ritual. Surprise is essential in the success of catching a date.4
A starry night dancing in rhythm, eating with silverware and wearing stylish clothing is practically unheard of in the realm of teenage boys. But it is possible! Do not despair if he thinks dressing up is going to the second floor to change, or scratches his posterior with his salad fork. These are things you can and will change! You can have the perfect date for prom without worrying about a long-term relationship. Congratulations, you now have the perfect plan.5
What did you think? Please comment!
Comments
1 - 12 of 12
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Excellent
gasp Ha! I definately needed that laugh. A wonderfully comedic and well-put write; bravo! -
...ROTFLMBFAO... ...That's great...I'll have to remember that in a few months...But I have one question...What if they guy you want isn't in high school?...Hmm?...
...~~Sigh~~...I'm sure I'll think of something...~~Imagnes tricking the mamoth of a guy she likes into a net and then dragging him to a school dance~~...Good times...Though hopefully by that time I won't have to drag him and he'll come by his own accord...~~Sigh~~...Course it'd help if he wasn't like...Huge...And by huge I mean about a whole foot taller then me...
...Oh well...Anyways...Congraduations on a very funny write...Keep it up...
~~Hey Kid Want A Nut
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lol this one really made me laugh...hahah i totally agree when you said 'Boyfriends are notoriously high-maintenance, generally useless, and incredibly grandiose.' well done!!!!
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great write
lol u were definitaly right on this one. i agree. boys arent humans (sometimes) they're creatures. I like the exageration. keep penning -
All boys are like that, no exceptions. Okay, well maybe Fred Astaire. But he was remarkable and the exception to any rule.
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Hahaha. crazyness, I loved the "if he dances like an epileptic salmon, you might as well transfer schools now." hehe. Guys aren't all that bad though. xxx
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*raises hand* Am I like that? Seriously? Would you go with someone who wasn't like that?
~Christian -
Oh gosh, that's great! Hilarious thought, obvious time put into the work. Very well written, and I love the fact that you have grammatical understanding and don't rite liek a krazee pursun wit no gramer skillz, you know? Anyway, I shall applaud this, you did a great job.
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LOL how imaginative!
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*laughs* there was something i read somewhere about catching an elf...this is like that. Great job-i needed the giggle.
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Lol, such great advice to all those girls out there! And prom time is coming around the corner too. Short yet gets a lot across. You did a fine job. Keep on writing.
~CT -
*laughs hysterically* Oh my! That was wonderful! It's so witty and cute! Have you considered stand-up comedy? My favourite part was the epileptic salmon... and the Three R's... and the shock therapy... all of it! Great job!
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