Red Dawn, Chapter 1: Demon Bound / Two brothers, one brother

Chapter 1.A. : Demon Bound1

It was a cold and dark night. It was the kind of night that even Shadows had shadows, and that is not normal.I couldn't really see much walking down the street. Most streets are pretty lively, but most aren't this one. You could see the occasional mugging and fighting, homeless, hookers, and pimps, and then there are people like me. 2

My name is Ozimistu, but i prefer oz, and I'm one of those kinda people that just don't give a shit. I am 10 years old, I don't have any friends, and my parents are barely home. I pretty much prefer to stay invisible to the world. And to make matters better, people really didn't see me anyways. Nobody cared, everyone just past me by like i was not there. No one ever looked at me, except her. 3

"Um.......Hi...." she would say, everyday. 4

Her name was Kara, she did not eve know my name, i would not give her the time of day. The only reason i knew her's was because she would tell me, hoping to trap me in some painful conversation with her. 5

I would walk this route everyday, and there is nothing i have not seen, nothing new. Except, tonight seemed a little bit colder and a little bit darker than normal. It was like the most darkest, evil person took their heart and engulfed the world with it. But, i just shrugged it off like it was nothing. 6

I was walking down the road, when i felt this odd sensation like i was being followed. 'It's probably Kara', i thought to myself, but as i turned around there was no one there. The street was unusually empty tonight, and the only thing i could really see were shadows. I turned around and continued to walk. As i was walking i heard a voice, it was raspy and loud. 7

" I'm going to squeeze the juicy life right out of you and drink you until you are nothing...." 8

I turned around again to see a strange, tall, dark looking man standing behind me. Now i had seen on the news that there had been some murders happening in this area. The suspect that the police had identified was named Akuma. For some reason,though, thy could never catch him. now some people believed that he was a demon, sucking the life out of people. when i stared into his eyes, i knew, he was a demon, and he was connected to all of those murders. 9

In his eyes i saw nothing but pure evil. He looked at me and said, "I need to feed!" He talked in the kind of voice that would make even the most craziest person crawl in fear. He reached out and picked me up, his hand around my neck, squeezing the life out of me. As he squeezed i peered into his eyes once more and saw my ending. 10

I was being surrounded by all the souls that he has destroyed, that he has erased. I thought mine was next, i thought finally this is the end. As i was close to my death, something caught my eye. 11

A red flash in the sky, and it was getting brighter and brighter. The Demon Akuma saw my attention turn away from his horror to a different horror. Akuma was outraged that I had turned my attention to something else, "WHAT ARE YOU STARING AT!!!" he yelled, as he gripped my neck harder. As he turned and looked at the strange light in the sky everything turned black.12

There was no sound, and everything was black, i could not see anything around me. I could not feel anything except the pain in my back, and the extremely bad headache i had. Ok, i think I'm coming too. Last thing i remember was Akuma had me by the neck and then there was a red flash in the sky. 13

After that i heard terrible screaming in my head and then i felt myself fall to the ground. As i hit the ground, i continued to hear the screaming in my head, what sounded like the Demon. He was screaming in pain, i could even start to make it out too. 14

Akuma was on his knees, rapped in chains, screaming in agony. 15

"What is happening!!!?" he said, "Where am I!!!! I Cant move" 16

I could move a little bit now. I started to see and hear too. As i came to, everything was still a little out of place. It was like all of the color was drained out of the world, everything was black and white, grey and hazy. I looked down and notice that there were shackles around my wrists. "what is going on here" i wondered, "why are these on my wrists and what is that weird symbol on them?" 17

I could still hear the faint sound of screaming in the distance. WAIT!! that sounded like Kara. I shot up and turned around to find her standing right behind me. When i was about to asks her what was the matter i was shoved out of the way by a couple of people that rushed over to help her. 18

"Figures!!" i shouted, "You all would rush to help her, but no one cared to help me when i was being attacked over here!!!" 19

Everyone ignored me, as usual, so i decide to walk off. As i was walking off i could not help but to overhear what Kara was screaming about. "I....I...I..saw Ozimitsu over here, and he was hurting, floating off the ground, and grabbing at his neck!!!" she said, "And then.... He.... He.. disappeared!!!" I looked around wondering what the hell is going on. "Im right here!!!!" I yelled out. But no one turned to acknowledge me. No one could hear me, or see me it seemed. Could it be, am i invisible?20


Chapter 1.B. : Two brothers, One brother21

'DING DONG!!!!' As the school bells rang, a flood of children waved across the parking-lot. Seems everyone wanted to get home to a game or something. Me, on the other hand, was going to the spot. It was this place where me and my older brother would go to, just to relax and hang out. Sometimes other people would come there too, but normally it was just me and him. I try and race my brother there but he usually, beats me. I'm just waiting for the day when i will be faster than him. 22

My name is Keniji and I'm 11 years old. I live with my grandmother and my brother, Kioshi. He is only a year older than me, and it stands out a lot. He likes to rub it in my face sometimes. I'm almost to our spot, hopefully i have beaten him here this time. Our hideout is an old, burnt down building on the top of the hill a little bit north of our house. We would hang out there almost everyday, play games, wrestle, look at the stars, and sometimes have girls up there, so one of us could play a trick and scare them.23

As i arrived, i did not see Kioshi. 24

"Yes!!" i said, "I finally beet him!!" 25

I raised my hands up in the air. 26

Behind me i heard Kioshi say, "Keniji, you retard. I have been here five minutes already." 27

He was standing up on one of the rafters. 28

"Dammit, you always win." i said. 29

"That's the price you will pay for having an older brother." Kioshi replied. 30

"Hey!! I did not choose to have you as an older brother!" i said. 31

He just laughed as he swung down to the ground. The dust woke up, and created a cloud that engulfed him as he landed. We always joked around like that. He is a little bit stronger than me too, so he definitely uses that to his advantage also. He walked up and punched me in the arm for what i said, not hard though, but hard enough. "So...Did you bring the cards?" I asked Kioshi. "Hell yeah i did." he replied. "Well let's play then!" I shot back. We enjoyed playing Spells of the Underworld. It was a fun card-based, adventure game. We would always bring the cards and play when we could. "you wanna just pick up where we left off?" i asked. "Yeah that's cool." Kioshi replied, "you had Kinsblade Nezumi on the field. you also had 4 mana cards on the field. I had 5 mana cards, and had Hinata, Jade Overbeing out. It was your turn." So it was my turn, i drew one card, and it was Riftwalker. "I tap 3 mana cards to play Riftwalker." I said, "He has a 4 attack and a 5 defense. I will attack with my knisblade nezumi, but since i have riftwalker in play, i will tap the last mana card to activate riftwalker's ability, and it pumps up Kinsblade from a 5-5 to a 7-7 with flying and makes it unblock-able. So i hit you for 7, and now you are down to 9 life points. 32

Now it's your turn brother." Kioshi kind of sighed and look down. "Good play Keniji." he said as he drew a card. He put another mana card down, now he had 6, then he smiled an evil smile, "I will play Wandering Gorzoth, which is a 8-8 with haste and his affect powers up my Hinata card to a 7-7 because there in the same group. And now i will attack you for 15, and because you attack me your creature is tapped and cannot block, so..... that puts you down to 0 life and I win." "Dammit!!", I yelled, "You always beat me, at everything. One of these days im gonna......" I was interrupted.33

The ground shaking interrupted my thoughts and speech. The ground shook violently, knocked me and my brother completely of balance. As we stood up we felt it shook again. "Wh..at.. the.. he...ll ..is.... go....ing....on..." Kioshi tried to say. "I dont know!" I said. As i looked at him, he had a face of horror. He was starring off in the distance. I turned to look in the direction that he was looking in, and my face froze with horror as well. There, above the horizon, was a meteor heading for earth. There was fire and smoke all over it. As it passed in-front of the sun, it suddenly stopped. There was a pause, in time it seemed, and everything stood still. As time started to go forward again, meteor imploded, sending a red flash of light that flooded the entire sky. For a little bit i could not even see anything, and i couldn't find my brother. "Kioshi, where are you? I cant see." I yelled out. I was replied with screaming. I started to see a little, just to see my brother screaming in pain. "What's wrong Kioshi?!!!" I yelled out. I tried to reach out to him but it was like my entire body shut down. I could not move. "It hurts so much!!!" he cried, "What is happening to my hand?!!!AAAHHHHHHH!!!!" His held up his hand and it was dissolving into thin air. 34

He was disappearing right in front of me. I was determined to move and get to him. "Hold on Kioshi!!!!" i yelled. "I don't know what is happening, it hurts so much." he cried back. "I cant hold on." Now half his body was gone. "AAAAHHHHH!!!!" I tried and tried to move to him. Finally i broke free, but i was too late. "Keniji!!!!" he yelled as his hand disappeared. "NNNNOOOOO!!!!" I cried. But he was gone. "Dammit!!! I yelled, as i buried my head in my hands and cried. I got up slowly and gathered our stuff. I had to tell grandmother. I started to run home, and as i was running, i passed by Hitara, my sensei's daughter. "Keniji, what happened?" She asked " i felt an earthquake, so i ran and hid. When it stopped i got up to find you and instead i found a crystal. Then i heard some screaming and so i ran in this direction." "I cant talk." I replied "Kioshi is gone, i have got to tell my parents what happened" I ran and ran, as fast as i could. As i was running, i felt something inside of me. It was a strange feeling, a sense of power. This feeling overwhelmed me, and everything started to blur. It was like i was running faster and faster. I could still make things out, but it was all really blurry. I did not know what was going on. What was that meteor and what did it do to me and my brother?

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Comments

1 - 9 of 9

  • Shinami Tsuyoki
    August 11, 2008

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    The concept is wonderful and will likely be an enthralling fantasy series. However, I had many issues with the writing itself. Firstly, at age 10 people do not act like that. He seems far more mature, so I’m suggesting an age of 12-14 would be better. In addition, wishing to be called Oz would imply he’s heavily interested in American stuff. As for the writing itself, I was a bit disappointed. You forgot to capitalize and also spelled several words incorrectly, therefore a vast majority of it looked less than stellar. Moreover, when a new character is speaking you do something like this:

    A large meteor blotted out the sun, bathing the world in a ghastly vermillion smudged by the gray shade of the occasional cloud.

    “W-What’s going on here?” My panicked voice rang out over the tremors that had overtaken the earth below us.

    “We have to move!” My brother ordered.


    You need to separate your paragraphs a bit more to allow the reader to follow along easier. It gets distracting and becomes a bother when a good portion of the action is in one huge block.

    I absolutely love the idea, and also the banner created for it (I have a strong hunch it was made using Photoshop). If your skills improve even in the slightest I’m sure that it will be a wonderful series.


  • Melissa Loves Jeffy
    August 10, 2008
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    this was awesome! I so can't wait to read more!


  • Audrey Akai
    August 9, 2008
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    OMFG!!! IT'S GOOD AND I'M NOT LYING!!

  • CursedWriters
    August 9, 2008
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    Good start seems like it could turn into something really intresting.


  • Gary Alexander silver member
    August 9, 2008

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    Trouble with OZ!

    Lots of funny stuff in here...but for me there is a large, and I believe, primary problem...aside from some little snippets which you and I could discuss and correct later. The big problem for me was the VOICE...Ten years old? I t sounded more like a "private eye" narrating this...not a ten year old kid. He's too wise...too "savvy!" And the discrepancy/inconsistency in the voice...(between the voice and the age you place on it)is that CREDIBILITY is disturbed. Work on this...fix it...then we'll talk.


  • Much-Dipstick
    August 9, 2008

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    Very good a pretty scary. You need to check your typos and remember to capatalize the word 'i', as well as remembering your paragraphs. It was fine to begin with but towards the end there were no paragraphs and I found my concentration slipping. Otherwise, a good story. I liked the game he played with his brother, it gave a feeling of normality before everything tore apart. Yes, a good read definitely. Keep working on it and keep writing!


  • LivingDeadGirl56
    August 9, 2008

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    Good imagery. I liked it a lot. Very dark. There were some gramatical errors, and occasionally a sentence would sound choppy, but pretty good.

    beginning: 3, language: 3, plot: 3, ending: 3, dialog: 3, characters: 3.


  • Nocturne Moderators member
    August 8, 2008

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    I liked the beginning and the way it set up the mood (Shadows had shadows, and that is not normal -> wonderful start!) I did noticed that you switched from past tense to present tense some in the writing, and that was odd for me - I'm not sure if it was done on purpose, but if it wasn't, perhaps it should be changed. Personally I found it distracting. There were a few typos, but overall, a solid write.

    The part where no one could see him was very interesting - it caught my attention and really made me wonder. A good cliffhanger there. And then the ending of the first chapter just increased the mystery. Very cool.

    Cheers for the read,
    Nocturne


  • xraine nothingx
    August 7, 2008

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    Getting better

    You did a lot better on the second part of the chapter. More descrition always helps. I am looking forward to reading more.

    beginning: 4, language: 3, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 3, characters: 3.

1 - 9 of 9