The book starts out by introducing the Black and White vampires, with the Black Vampire as the "I", and what they did for a living. The reader learns that there are two council members, an elf and and old man, who send both of them out on missions to who knows where.1
They are sent to find the leader of the human mages because the elf is against anyone but elves knowing magic. They go searching but to no avail, so they come back to the council. The old man chuckles and undoes a spell he cast on himself to look like an old man and he turns out to be Gryn, the leader of the human mages. Also the Black Vampire meets a werewolf who plays an important part in the story.2
The elf then sends the vampires of searching for Gryn again, who had teleported away from them. Gryn captures the Black Vampire and hangs him up on a crucifix (which of course hurts vampires). Gryn can not see a creature in so much pain so he lets the Black Vampire down and feeds him.3
Gryn then joins up with the Black Vampire and the Vampire leads Gryn to his house. The werewolf attacks them there and they defeat him, barely.4
The book then follows the White Vampire for a bit, because i wanted you to get to know him a little better.5
Then it immediately follows the elf for a bit, and shows you his point of view on the entire thing. The elf is in temple when the Black Vampire and Gryn fight the werewolf and the elf realizes this is happening, so he sets off running to the Black Vampire's house. He gets stopped by the Black Vampire's guardians (giant plants enchanted by elves to throw any trespasser out the back of the house). Problem is, the plants do not know what to do to elves, for they were enchanted by them, and then rip the elf's arm off and THEN throw him out the back.6
The Black Vampire is taken to the council hospital after the werewolf fight and treated by Oralyn, a beautiful elven female. After being treated there, he goes home and sees that the werewolf has escaped and dealt a huge wound to Gryn.7
Oralyn was recruited to help Gryn so she stays at the Black Vampire's house, where the two of them grow to love each other.8
The elf then calls the White and Black vampires back to the council, where he gruesomely kills the poor werewolf, who was under the elf's control. Both vampires release themselves from the services of the elf and leave. 9
The Black Vampire goes home and sees Oralyn for a bit, but she is captured by the elf a little bit after that. The Black Vampire and Gryn run back to the council chambers where they fight the elf for a while, but the elf is too strong and kills Oralyn (very sad chapter).10
That's truly as far as i've written, so really i can't continue this.
Author notes
The summary of my book so far, for a contest, novel and chaptered works 2...
A contest entry
- Novels and Chaptered Works 2 by tallblondie.
1000 points, ended December 15, 2008, 28 entries
Honorable mention
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
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[1] Grammar, spelling and punctuation.
The first thing I noticed with your chapter is that it needs some line spacing, as well as extra spacing the separate out what belongs to each character - be that speech or action. Here is a section of your chapter that I have spaced for you to give you an idea of what I mean:
“Gryn,” I called.
He turned and looked at me.
“How can we get back at him?” I asked.
He thought for a moment then said, “I do not know...” and walked the rest of the way down my stairs.
Don't know?, I thought, You can't think of anything?
I decided, finally, to let it go and move on with my life, so I began walking back up my stairs.
A scream rippled it's way into my ears. I ran up my stairs as fast as I could. My room was occupied by two people, two elves. One was Oralyn and the other...The council elf!
“Hello, vampire,” The council elf said. His hand had Oralyn by the upper arm, gripping her tightly.
I glared at him. “How did you get in?” I asked.
He chuckled, “Well, those plants were enchanted by elves!” His laughing increased and raised his arm.
I narrowly dodged a fireball summoned by the elf by diving to the side and nearly smashing into a wall. The fireball flew past and burned a hole in my wall. I regained balance and flung myself at the elf. I collided with his barrier and was smashed backwards. My head hit the wall and my consciousness was nearly taken from me. I lay on the ground and could do nothing as the elf took Oralyn away.
The other thing I noticed was your elipsis (...) use. Though longer than normal sentence punctuation, it should be treated the same way - always leave a space after using it, except where it forms the trailing off of thought at the end of a quote. Also always use three dots - never two or four or whatever you want. The elipsis should also be used sparingly - thoguh I did notice you used it to good effect for evoking emotional response.
[2] Word usage.
Your word usage is good, though you do sometimes use some awkward phrasing. For example:
His laughing increased and raised his arm. As is, the syntax of the sentence distates that his laughter raised his arm - which is an impossibility. Perhaps you could try re-writing as:
His laughing increased as he raised his arm.
Also:
My head hit the wall and my consciousness was nearly taken from me. You can 'lose consciousness', but it is not something that can be 'taken away' from you. I suggest you re-write it as:
My head hit the wall and I nearly lost consciousness.
Another thing I noticed was that you confuse the contraction of 'it is' with the ownership of the pronoun 'it':
It flew off it's hinges and smashed it's way into the chamber.
When writing ownership for 'it', remember that it is the only exception to the 'add an apostrophe 's' rule' - it should be written as 'its'.
[3] Style and continuity.
You writing style seems to be a blend of passive an active voice. Sometimes you use each in the right situation, sometimes you don't. However, at your age, your writing style has not yet settled down enough into a distinctive style - but you will learn where and when to use each of the different voices. Passive voice is good is setting up a scene - to tell a reader where objects are in relation to character, as well as provide some basic character description. Active voice comes in handy when writing action - as it brings your writing to life and lets the reader 'see' the action.
[4] Story components.
Your character seem to be fairly well-developed, by I would have liked to have been given other snippets of description - even though you may have described their personality and appearance in an earlier chapter. Readers tend to forget things, and small reminders help to seal the characters in their mind and allow the reader to relate and emphasis with them. There was some good conflict in this chapter - and thus good emotive response.
[5] Literary value.
A refreshing take on the vampire genre - in a fantasy setting no less. The shorter chapter also captured my attention and held it to the end of the chapter.
Thank you for your entry in Novels and Chaptered Works 2.
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Sounds good!!!!!!!!!! I love all types of vampire novels & this sounds like an original plot that I haven't encountered yet!
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