The dog and I stood pressed against a bordering hedge. Its recently trimmed branches poked into my spine and the dog shifted every few seconds, as if looking for a more comfortable position. Four cars passed our place of hiding, but none were the old BMW Kale drove. The sun was showing more of its glory. Shadows became more distanced and gray blobs became toys, bikes, garden hoses, etc., all things you would find in a family neighborhood.1
I saw no one else in the dawn’s light and I started to think I had gotten away. I watched a cat stalk across a yard, chasing what I couldn’t see. On my left lights had come on and I thought someone was getting ready for the office. 2
Faint lights bounced off the cars parked on the street. I pushed a stray branch down and squinted through. In this light I couldn’t tell the color of the car, but it was a 90-something BMW.3
My heart skipped a beat and relief flooded through my body, limbs loosened and blood continued to flow. I knew this was Kale. I almost ran out into the street when he slowly nosed by, but I stopped because of leftover resentment and fear.4
Questions poured into my mind. Would he hate me? He didn’t sound like it on the phone, but really did that mean anything? He was probably being professional. Would he really help me after our stormy relationship? Would the hurt and anger still be on the surface? Or would Kale have buried it deep? So many thoughts spun through my mind. Was I being arrogant? Did I even matter that much to him then? Do I now?5
The decision to run down the car was taken out of my hands when the dog ran out into the street. Out of fear and panic I ran after him.6
“Stop! “ I shouted in the stillness of the morning. Early birds had started their dawn chorus, but were cut off by my shrill voice.7
The car slammed on its brakes and a soft brown head peeked out from the driver's window. “Raisa? Raisa, get in here. What the hell is that?” he said, referring to the dog.8
“Never mind about him, “ I replied as I ran to the car. “Just step on the gas and get me out of here. Come on, boy!” I called out.9
“Raisa, you are not serious!” Kale snorted, as the dog crawled in.10
“Are you kidding? This dog saved my life! Now get moving and no questions!” I barked.
Author notes
Thanks Anaya
In a list
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 15 of 15
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Another great chapter
As short as they are, I really think I might be able to keep up with this one to. It has me very interested. I am trying to read them all quickly to see how many I think I can read.
It always helps when I see no errors to point out, and I saw none.
Trish
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Hey Brooke,
Very good job of setting this scene although I agree with the others, that it is awfully short. I do like the pooch, not to sure about Kale yet, though he did come to the rescue when Raisa called. Nothing in the way of edits to add. Looking forward to the next part.
Steve
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I don't think many people are sure about Kale at first. You'll come around to his side soon
Thanks for the read and I know it was short, but I'm an impatient person
Brooke
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Wow, short! I'm getting that Kale and Raisa had more than just the dealy-o to steal the key, now. No WONDER...things are making more sense now.
family-type neighborhood.1
I'm not sure you need the "-type" on there
the dawn’s early light
patriotic, are we?
Really though, dawn is always early; it sounded a bit repetitive when I read it.
90 something BMW.
if the "90 something" were hyphenated, it would make it more clear that you're referring to the model year
blood continued to flow again.
um, if it's continuing, why the again?
but really did that mean anything?
really could use a comma after it
Did I even matter that much to him? Do I now?
These two questions seem to ask the same thing. Your story happens in the past tense, though, so if one question is referring to the past relationship, in a past tense sort of way (ugh, I know, confusing), you could qualify it more, like, "Did I even matter that much to him then? Did I now?" The "Do" is present tense, so it doesn't match any of your story as it is.
and a soft brown head
haha, I'm sorry, but this made me think of my baby boy's hair. And he so can't drive yet, so it made me chuckle.
“Raisa? Raisa get in here.
A comma after the noun of direct address = "Raisa, get
Come on boy!”
the reverse of the previous comment = on, boy!"
“Raisa, you are not serious?” Kale snorted, as the dog crawled in.
Kale's line doesn't sound like a question the way you have it
“Are you kidding? This Dog saved my life. Now get moving and no questions!” I barked.
hahaha! barked. Nice! Also, dog doesn't need capitalization.
Agh, too short! On to the next section I go! I hope you don't mind my detailed picking over your story. I really do love the story, and I can see that, at this point, it's got potential to get published somedeay. The more I comment on editorial stuff, the more I consider you a serious author. Tis a compliment, though you don't have to take it as one. It's ok.
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I love that you 'pick over' my stories. How am I suppose to learn if people like you don't help me
Thank you so much.
Brooke
Oh, is fixed now.
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Wow, this chapter is so short - I don't even have much to say! (I know - how unusual *laughs*). It does bring up a lot of questions about Kale and Raisa's relationship (past and present) with him, though, so that definitely moves the plot along. You might add one line at the end of this - something to the effect of Kale sighing irritably and driving off nonetheless. It would make this feel a little more coomplete, I think. Otherwise, nicely done.
Notes:
* Para 1: Personally, I would remove the "etc." and use a dash instead.
* Para 10: I don't think you need a question mark, the way you have it written now. Especially if Kale "snorted" it - that makes it sound like a disbelieving statement more than a question.
* Para 11: No need to capitalize "dog." Also...she barked? *laughs* That's cute.
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Great Story
It was a quick read. I just love how Raisa is trying to deny her feelings for Kale. A typical senario of how the world really is. I hope true love prevails.
Keep up your exceptional writing.
Julie
beginning: 4, language: 4, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 4, characters: 5.
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wow! what else can I say? I normally don't like giving out two worded commentaries but wow... you've just given my mind a total flip
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I know, you don't normally say such short comments. I'll take that as a good thing
Thanks for reading.
Brooke
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Nice little add-on here. Raisa and the dog appear to have become partners now. I like how she 'barked' the last line. *chuckles*
So Raisa and Kale have a prior relationship, eh? Hmm.
It will be interesting to see if that has an affect on the story later.
Phil's right. This was a bit of a tease.
So let's see what happens next.
Greg
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The next part is longer and has more of the relationship in it. You'll have to tell me if it makes any sense since I don't usually write like that. I was hestitant to post it here.
Thanks for reading.
Brooke
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A good quick scene to add to the chapter. Of course, the dog is a marvelous character to join the story’s ranks; thought I'd mention that in case I neglected to tell you before. I hope he stay around a while.
Since this is only a scene and rather a short piece, I can’t find much to say about it.
Did find a few things for you to look at:
The dog and I stood pressed against a bordering hedge. It's (its) recently trimmed branches
Shadows became more distanced and gray blobs became toys, bikes, garden hoses, etc., all things you would find in a (family type?)neighborhood. (This was an efficient and interesting way to set a location
.)
The car slammed on it’s (its) brakes and a soft brown head peeked our (out) from the driver's window.
“Raisa, you are not serious?” Kale cried (cried makes a fellow sound wimpy unless he’s lost his best friend. Couldn’t he snort since she barks below
.
Geri
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The dog stay. Dugan is a major player in this story. I can't seem to stay away from fantasy and will be putting a little of that in here and the dog is a part.
Thanks for pointing those out. They are fixed.
Brooke
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Oh, c'mon Brooke! You've got to give us more! 400 words and I'm feeling deprived! So...what does Kale do with Raisa? We want to know! I liked this a lot, but it was just way too short....please please please write more here!
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I was feeling pressed for time and threw this up. I will have more I promise and I will make it longer this time. This was just to introduce the dog more and Kale, of course.
Thanks for reading and for begging
Brooke
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