Matters of the heart and guilt.

Marty pressed the pause button on his remote and gazed at the frozen moment in time. blue eyes, vibrant and ready to take on the world looked back at him, forgiving him...in his mind at least, that single thought was a comfort. It had been so long since Marty had allowed himself to watch this video, of his University days. How he missed the 80s when pain and regret didn’t haunt him, dogging his every step.1

A chiming of keys and a click of the front door lock made Marty jump. He hastily pressed all the buttons on the remote in hope of coming across the fast-forward key before Teresa made it passed the kitchen. 2

“Marty!” Marty heard here call, followed by a sound of plastic bags and cans plonked on the table, “Give me a hand will ya.” 3

Ejecting the tape, Marty went out to their car and brought in some grocery bags filled with children’s snacks and low-fat yogurts. 4

The rest of the night had Marty on autopilot. He smiled, he laughed and ate, asked how his children how soccer training had gone and jokingly interrogated them on whether or not they finished their weekend homework. But it was all the same; a mask to hide the plaguing guilt.5

***6

Night time brought upon a fitful sleep.7

Marty rode with Mia in his Chevy Impala. Although a pass-down from his father, the shiny black car was impeccable. Mia’s heart thumped in adrenaline at the speed, Marty in anticipation. He was going to propose! They would both finish university that year, and Marty was sure would be married in the next. Their laughter rose and was swept away by the wind, young love birds smiled upon by winking stars.8

“We’re almost there, you’re gonna love it.” Marty exclaimed, stealing a kiss and a smile from Mia eho smiled back – then screamed at something ahead. 9

In the time it took to swerve the car out of the way, they were slammed into by a truck, sending the Impala into a thick oak. Marty jumped out of the car and barely staggered to Mia’s side.10

“Mia? MIA!” Marty tried to revive her, but her heart created produced no pumping pulse. Covered in his own blood and Mia’s, he fell and all went blank...11

Marty woke up bathing in cold sweat, heels of his hands trying to ease the pounding in his head. Looking to his right he saw Teresa staring at him, worry crystal clear in her beautiful face.12

“You ok?”13

“Fine.”14

Marty pushed himself out of bed, showered and ate a tasteless breakfast. Seated in front of the television, he waiting for his kids to get dressed and eat breakfast, silently attempting to compose his self and regain his nerves.15

***16

“Good morning Bill.” Marty greeted his fellow doctor as he wore his white gown and started his daily routine check-ups17

Ironic, how he had saved so many lives in his twenty-five years of practicing medicine, and yet he couldn’t save the one single life that he loved...loves.18

“Get over it.” He mentally scolded himself. 19

Guilt racked Marty’s senses. He killed one woman, and married another just because she was there. Teresa had been there for him, been his shoulder and support, but Marty only ever thought of Mia. That single memory twenty-six years ago before he found himself in the hospital haunted him and he let it. Washing his hands Marty checked his roster and moved towards his first patent.20

“Good morning Mr. Winchester, how’s your back today?” Marty greeted him, cheerfully enough.21

“Got any more pills doc? God I love ‘em.” The old man replied.22

“Later. I’m just here to give you a check up, see if there’s any return of the swelling.”23

Helping Mr. Winchester onto his stomach, Marty began is assessment.24

“The old back is gone. Gettin’ old I am.” Mr. Winchester said, “I used to be young and a real charmer. I loved all the birds and they all loved me...save one.”25

“mmhmm” was Marty’s polite reply, as the old man rattled on.26

“She didn’t want, so I married her best friend. Poor dear, never knew why I chose her. Never told mind you, that I did it only to get back at her friend. Glad I didn’t. Like to know why son?”27

“Sure. Would hate to be told a story without an ending.” Was the absent reply.28

“Turns out, she was the one. I had never realised how much I had grown to trust her, value her and love her. She supports and loves me, but I ate myself for using her as I see how precious she is. Not at first of course, was always obsessin’ about the rejection and getting the better of her.” Mr. Winchester chuckled, “Grew up...and out outwards” He chuckled again, “I’m happy for it all. Good life, great wife, the best children and cutest grandbabies. ..Good to overcome the past, can’t move on if you let it eat you up.”29

“All don Mr. Winchester,” Marty said clapping his hands together and slapping on a smile, “No return at all.”30

Marty couldn’t help noticing the significance of the tale; it was so much like his own life. He had married Teresa not out of love or trust, but over the years these emotions had formed and become solid. He would risk it all for Teres and their kids. She loved him. He loved her. 31

It was only then that Marty realised the depth of their bond, and distinguished between it and the obsession over Mia. He would always feel guilt for her death and she would always own a piece of his heart, but it should have had no bearing on loving such a worthy person as Teresa to the fullest.32

Time seemed to drag on. For the first time in a very long while Marty yearned to go back home. At the end of his shift, he felt like a teenager, going out with a girl for the first time. he felt rejuvenated and in love again.33

On his way home, Marty stopped at a florist, buying a bouquet of white roses and a single red rose. Their marriage was to have a new start, cleansed of the past, filled with the passion of love he had for so long deprived himself and Teresa of.34