Eating Away

“You don’t want that,” her voice echoes in the back of my mind.1

I look down at the forkful of food, dripping in some unknown grease. My hand releases the fork and the food falls to my plate. My hand goes down to my stomach. Still there.2

I seriously don’t need this...3

My fork plays across the food again, not sure if it is really worth it. I know exactly where it’ll end up going. I don’t want that. Not again. The scale numbers are only allowed to go down. Not up.4

A gurgling sound resounds from beside my hand.5

Just one little bite...6

“Are you sure? They won’t like you then...”7

My eyes drop down again, staring into the food as if it’ll just go away. A shaky hand lies down the fork and reluctantly pushes the plate away.8

“There you go. Trust me. You’ll look better. You’ll thank me later.”9

I grind my teeth and bite my lip. No one noticed. No one else heard her voice. I look down at my stomach.10

Why won’t it flatten out...?11

“Why did you eat dinner last night?”12

“I was fucking starving,” I growl at the voice beneath my breath.13

Eyes lock onto me but I ignore them. The owner of them heard me, but I don’t care. I’m used to this by now.14

I look around to see people enjoying the food in front of them.15

Why can’t I be like that...?16

I watch as people take forkfuls of food and relentlessly bring them to their lips. I watch as they chew. My stomach grumbles again, clearly disgruntled by my choice. A chill runs up my spine and I have to look away from the people eating in the distance.17

“That’s a girl. Don’t give into the pressure. They’ll be gaining the weight that you lose. You’ll thank me.”18

I pay the bill for the food I barely even touched. I put on my sweatshirt even though the sun is out. A slight chill runs down my spine again, and I feel my fingers quiver as they attack the zipper, attempting to coax it upwards. I close my eyes and breathe in deeply as I prepare myself for the eyes of the world once more. With my head staring down at the pavement so people cannot meet my eyes, I start my walk back home.19

“You know that even though you don’t let your eyes meet theirs, they’re still looking at you. Their eyes are watching you... Scanning you. They know that you weigh too much. Why don’t you just run home? Not only will it help you lose weight, but they won’t look at you anymore.”20

I clench my jaw and pick up my pace, bringing it to a slow jog.21

What is wrong with me...?22

“See...Isn’t that better?”23

I reach the front of my house and unlock the door, walking inside. No one is home yet. I bite my lip as I immediately find my way to the bathroom. I shut and lock the door and start removing my clothes, eyes on the scale the entire time.24

“Don’t look in the mirror. You won’t like what you see.”25

My eyes look at the mirror and then drop down quickly to the floor.26

“Told you so...”27

“SHUT UP!” I scream at the voice. “SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT UP!”28

I grind my teeth and rip off the last of my attire, walking over to the scale. I step onto it and wait impatiently for the digital numbers to appear.29

Maniacal laughter reverberates off the back of my skull.30

“Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck,” I repeat to myself.31

How is it possible? How did I gain weight?!32

The laughter grew louder and I lean over, slamming my fist on the scale.33

“It’s not broken.”34

I run my hands roughly through my hair. What to do...What to do...35

My eyes scan the floor of the bathroom at the clothes sprawled across it. What have I become? The voice used to be so small...So unappealing. She used to have no influence on me. My fingers run across my stomach, my ribs, my hips. Tears form at the brims of my eyes. I wipe them away. I can’t let her see that I am weak. Too late.36

A knock on the door rips me from my thoughts.37

“Are you in there?”38

It was my mom.39

I wiped the tears from my eye and she tries the handle as I respond, “Yeah it’s just me.”40

The voice in the back of my head laughs at me again. “Yeah. You and all of your...Baggage.”41

“Fuck you...” I whisper beneath my breath.42

“What’d you say, sweetie?” the voice called from the other side of the door.
 “I said that I’m in here.”43

“Oh, okay. Dinner is almost ready.”44

I bite my lip and close my eyes, trying to ignore the gurgling in my stomach.45

“I-I already ate.”46

“Oh..Okay. Well it’ll be done in a bit if you’re still hungry.”47

“Okay,” I call back and I hear her walk away.48

I quickly grab my clothes and put them back on. I try to be as quick and quiet as I can, wanting to be stealthy as I make my way to my bedroom.49

“You feeling okay?” she asks.50

I turn to face my mom. “Yeah. Just an upset stomach. It’ll pass.”51

How many times can I use that excuse? 52

She nods. She bought it.53

I turn to open the door to my bedroom.54

“Have you lost weight?”55

I turn back to her, meeting her eyes for a split second then pulling away. “Y-yeah. A little bit.”56

“You look nice.”57

I smile slightly. I could hear the voice’s laugh grow softer, not as rough and taunting.58

“Thanks,” is the only response I can manage.59

I lay down in my bed, headphones on.60

You look nice...Her words replay over and over in my head.61

“See. I told you that you would be thanking me later.”62

I close my eyes as I lay on my back. A mix between the music from my headphones, the gurgling of my stomach and the soft laughter of her voice warp into a sick lullaby that puts me to sleep. I know tomorrow will be similar. I will wake up. Weigh myself. Contemplate breakfast but skip it. My body will shake, quiver, groan, creak until I feed it the energy it longs for. I know it’s wrong. But her voice taunts me. I know she’s right. History repeats.