What If

I regained conscious thought in a blur.1

The world around me rushed past, all the colors smudging and mixing together. The colors seemed limited, almost as if my eyes were forced to view the world in only several colors. My other senses, however, seemed heightened and more aware. The smells of the world were strong and intoxicating, drawing up vivid images in my mind. I could feel the cool damp ground passing beneath me as I ran. I could feel the dirt being kicked up and clinging to my body. I could hear a multitude of sounds from all directions, singing out to my ear’s content. The wind blew across my body, casting a cooling and refreshing feel. 2

Even though I was in a state of confusion, both in mind and from my newfound senses, I felt free. I just couldn’t figure out what exactly it was that I had been freed from. Not only that, but what had I been freed into? Where was I and why did I feel so unusual to my own self? I had to remember. It was the only way I’d be able to figure out what was happening to me.3

I continued to run. My mind cleared away all the information that was being sent to my brain from my senses and concentrated on…well, I didn’t know just what to concentrate on. I thought about the past. Maybe remembering the past would help me. Where do I come from? Who are my parents? Did I have any siblings?4

Suddenly, a reservoir of memories flooded my mind. I looked about with my mental eye, trying to figure out which ones would be the most important. Unsure, I focused onto a random blur and waited for the image to come into focus.   5

“Just because? That’s your excuse!”6

“I don’t know what to tell you. This sort of thing just happens.”7

“No, these sorts of things don’t just happen! There’s always a reason.”8

“Stop it! I already told you my reason.”9

“So that’s your reason? Just because? I’m sorry, but that’s bullshit. That has to be the lamest excuse for a breakup. You’re not even trying.”10

“Well what do you want me to say?”11

“That it’s me. That I don’t give you what you want. That you met someone else who gives you what you need. Someone that’s better than me.”12

“Just stop. It’s none of that, alright. This is the last time I’m going to tell you. I am not happy and it has nothing to do with you. Okay? Now stop asking me and making me feel like an asshole.”13

“Fine. If that’s what you want, then fine. But what if-”14

“NO!”15

“Alright. Then I only ask you of one last thing.”16

“What?”17

“To look me in the eyes and tell me that you don’t love me anymore.”18

“I won’t.”19

“Why?”20

“Because I’ll only hurt you.”21

“I’m already fucking hurt, so don’t even bother saying that.”22

“Fine,” she said, lifting her head up out of her lap to look me in the eyes, “I don’t love you anymore.”23

I sat silent for a moment, then stood up and walked off her porch. As I walked, I remained calm, since I didn’t want to show her that I was seething underneath the flesh. But as I walked further and further away, feelings of pure hatred and thoughts of revenge raced through my mind. 24

“She thinks she can get away with this? To take away my innocence and then to act like it’s nothing. That stupid bitch! If she wants to play this game, then that’s fine. I’ll strip away the little innocence she has left and turn her into the heartless bitch that she desires to be!”25

Who the hell am I?26

I could never have had such horrible thoughts. Could I? Maybe that was the real me. But how do I know that what I am now isn’t the real me? I needed to know more. That disturbing image alone wasn’t enough. There had to be better ones to dive into. 27

So I returned to reservoir of flashing memories, and took a look into a different one. Hopefully, this one would be on the positive side.28

“Why? Why did you do this to yourself? You stupid bitch, I told you what would happen. Didn’t I? I told you if you kept going down this path, you would end up this way. But you didn’t listen. You never listen.”29

“911. What is your emergency?”30

“I found a girl. She’s unconscious and cold.”31

“Do you know what happened?”32

“I-I don’t know. I just found her with some guy and I ran in and I told him to get the hell off of her and-and I punched him and he’s not getting up and I grabbed her and felt her body and it was cold, it is cold, and I saw needles and they looked like they had blood on them.”33

“Don’t worry sir, just remain calm. Help is on its way.”34

“I-I-I told her not to do this to herself. I did. I really tried to stop this. I told her she was going to end up dead if she kept doing what she was doing. And she didn’t listen and now…”35

I really did care.36

Those feelings of hatred and revenge must have just been from the heat of the moment. Just from watching and feeling that memory could I tell that I wasn’t that kind of person? I was kind and caring, and that’s why the break up hit me as hard as it did. The emotions from the memory seemed to seep into my current state, as tears began to take form in my eyes. As this emotion took me over, I returned to the blurred memories and found one that connected to my current emotion.37

The smell of flowers sickened me.38

I stood before the casket, staring at those vivacious flowers that mocked this death. How could this have happened? How could she have done what she had done? Part of me felt responsible for not saving her, for not stopping her from what she was doing, for not telling her that things could change and that I would always be there for her. 39

I stepped forward and knelt down before the casket. I had forgotten how beautiful she was, but knowing what she had done…maybe the flowers weren’t so mocking after all. I prayed for her soul, telling God that she had a rough life and that she had never intended for what happened to happen. And I told Him I would do whatever it took to help her soul in Heaven. I told Him if it meant me living out the rest of my life in misery, sacrificing my happiness, so that she could find eternal peace in Heaven, then I would do it. Whatever it took, I would do it.40

I stood up and gave the body one last look, one last farewell, and then left. 41

Before I could even react to what I had just seen, I was hit with another flashback. It seemed to jump right out at me, as if saying that what took place after the funeral would be shown here. 42

This memory was different.43

I couldn’t feel what I was feeling or hear what I was thinking. I could only see myself. I was standing upon a hill, in front of a headstone. Trees sporadically dotted the landscape, along with other plants and flowers. 44

Her name was on the headstone. 45

I was staring down at it, staring at her full name that was carved into this piece of stone. I looked up and saw a smile form across my face. I then looked out across the landscape, that smile still on my face, and figured it out. 46

Tears streaming down my face, I ran faster through the forest. My speed increased along with my joy of finally discovering the truth. I could see the open landscape that was dotted with trees and flowers as I emerged from the forest and ran in-between the hills. I ran up to the top of the one he stood on, in front of the tombstone. I stayed several feet away, overcome with joy and happiness and seeing him again and knowing all the truths about him. He too was crying as he looked upon me, knowing that I was happy where I was, that it was his sacrifice that delivered me the happiness I could never have in this world.47

After looking upon each other, I ran away and back into the forest, knowing that it was he who delivered me this second chance.48