When I woke up, I knew she was gone. She was still where I had left her, sitting unmovable on the sofa, but she was gone. I kissed her forehead and sat down besides her. I could feel her hand on my thigh, but she was still not moving, there was no hand there. The invisible touch moved up from my thigh to my chest, and finally found rest upon my shoulder. The touch lingered there for minutes as I sat still, before it faded away, leaving a visible mark in my clothing where it had rested. All along, she sat there unmovable just like me, her eyes closed over empty sockets. There was a faint smile on her face, like the smile I had fallen for all those years ago.1
Suddenly, her body fell to the ground. I hadn't moved, and there was no trace of wind in the room. My heart skipped a beat, two maybe, and went frantic for a few seconds before calming down. I sat there still, trying not to get up and run away. I knew I had to finish what I had started the previous evening.2
I got up from my seat in the sofa, and knelt down beside her. It was twenty years since I had first met her, first seen her smile. I had never seen such a diabolical look on her face before, in life, as she had now. I convinced myself that the fall had made her face such, and that the fall was also the factor that opened her eyelids, even though they had been sewn shut long ago. It was as if the eyeless sockets were staring at me, crying out to me. 3
"I want you to leave" I said, tears emerging from my eyes as I took hold of the body and lifted it up from the ground. She was cold as ice, even colder than I thought she'd be.
"The doctor told me... You're not real" I said, mostly to myself. I walked out of the room with her in my arms.
"I never met a girl in Paris twenty years ago, and we never married" I said as I brought the body outside. The thin arms seemed to move towards me, slowly.
"My family told me they had never attended the wedding, even though I can remember it like yesterday. The box of photos from the wedding is empty, I checked it last week. We never had our countless holidays, not to Rome, not to Greece, not to India. You were never real" I said.4
I took a shovel and started digging a grave for the body in the wet soil outside the remote cabin in the woods.
"We never bought this place. Our every family visit has been an illusion, all in my head, I haven't even seen most of my family for the last twenty years. Your family never existed."
I kept digging until the hole was large enough to fit two bodies, just to be sure.
"I must have a very vivid imagination, even my favorite movie doesn't exist" I said and smiled, as I dragged her body towards the hole. Her fingers seemed to grab at my shirt as i dragged her, but I ignored it.
"When I told the doctor you were with me on our sessions, and that you and the doctor had interacted several times, he made me realize that those parts of the sessions were all in my head. We decided, together, that I'd have to do something drastic to get you out of my life."5
I dropped the body into the hole. Her white dress was soaked in mud, and more mud and water instantly dripped off the walls in the hole, helping me fill it. Shovel after shovel I buried the past.
"I realized that I'd have to kill you, in order to get rid of you... Or, well, it was the doctors idea, but I agreed. I just want a normal life again!" I shouted at the grave, tears in my eyes.6
"You've done very well" the doctor said and clapped me on the shoulder.
"Thanks" I said, nodding.
"Now call the police, and tell them what you've done" he said, smiling.
"But, she's not real... Why should I..."
But the doctor was already gone before I realized my mistake.
Author notes
So, what about it was bad?
Was the ending to weird, didn't you get it?
Actually, as in several of my stories, several ideas have been mixed into one making up this story, so it might get confusing... Just tell me =p
A contest entry
- Tornado Twister Stories by The Joker HaHa.
190 points, ended August 17, 11 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 22 of 22
-
WOW. Dynamic. Also sad; uber-descriptive - which I really like. The 'effect' of this piece is well-crafted. I agree with whoever said that 'the shortness of the piece helped enhance it'. Very admirable.
. Rewarded 4
-
Omg I loved it. That was creepy yet cool all at the same time with the twist at the end which i was looking for. I also loved the descriptions. Thanks for entering it was a great piece.
-
WOW, Drac!
This...was...amazing! It was sooo twisted and evil GAWD! I loved the twist at the end. It was absolutely amazing! Then the descriptions. AMAZING!
. Rewarded 4
-
That was wow. Creepy, twisted, and just wow. You wrote it well, the shortness of the piece helped enhance it, and the ending itself was an even bigger twist! Great job.
-
Wow, this was an excellent concept. The ending was absolutely perfect, it was an amazing twist. It was evil.. Every detail was amazing, and the descriptions really conveyed the situations. I could really see the creepy scene on the couch, and the part with the grave was very, very realistic and horrific.
Great job, this was an amazing, brilliant story. -
this was amazing, as far as twists go. The idea of him having a mental disorder was twited and chilling enough(the descriptions were very good. The way her "unreal" body seemed to cling to him), but the end was the most chilling end possible.
It helps that the story is so short. A longer story would need a heck of a lot of explanations to have any kind of effect. This was short enough to not have room for any questions.
-
Very Good, Very Confusing
I didn't quite understand. I thought I did until the end and then I got completely lost. I liked the story though.
-
I understood that she was real, but I wasn't sure what was happening. Was the doctor fake? Was everything he claimed to be fake, real?
-
-
The idea was that the doctor was fake, and everything the doctor claimed to be fake had been real... You got it! =D
-
-
Okay. Good job. :]
-
-
-
I'm sorry, I didn't exactly understand.
-
ohhhh this is soooooo good! I did realize that the person had a mental disorder but the doctor not being real... the girl being real. Oh what a twist! I love it! Good job! Great read. Kept my interest throughout the whole thing. Loved the characters. Loved the creative idea you used. Good job! I enjoyed it very much!
-
wow
this was really good. how they convinced him it was all in his head, everything. and how they convinced him to kill her, it was original! -
woooosh
that was evil, man!
imagine killing your spouse? how perfectly morbid.
nice writting, i liked this very much!
-
-
oops
i mean, WRITING.
(pardon my poor english)
-
-
Great story concept. The first paragraph itself can be done in a short story or chapter.. My input would be that these is a wonderful story with very beautiful emotions at play- its handled sensitively.. with a dark concept its not always easy.. so yes, kudos to you
And yes this too that the concept is a big story and this is more of a concept than a short story in itself. I'd say dwell on each seperate instance and set of feelings.. It would be wonderful.. Right now in your excitement of shocking the readers- taking them for a good ride -may have been overwhelming.. lol.. it happens with me all the time!! What has worked for me when I sense that it may be happening is write it down the way I like and keep it. I take the first thught ahead much later and then build it real slow.. giving myself the liberty of changing the events -letting the writing take over than the plot.. though the plot is at the back of the head anyway.. That way its less pressure..
Once again its a wonderful story and not confusing at all.. I say spreading it over a few more pages would allow readers to enjoy each sentiment.. But thats me and yes i do apologize for this sermon like comment.. Im in a weird mood.. plz excuze?
-
That was rather interesting. I had to read through it twice after the ending to make sure I understood, due to the ending throwing me off. It did seem to me it was more likely that he had imagined the doctor rather than twenty years, or else that would be one terrible case of schizophrenia. It was an excellent read, and I hope it wins the contest. That was rather creepy in context.
There was slightly confusion at the beginning in how you kept switching from saying she was there to that sehe wasn't, but it went rather nicely. Wonderful imagery and an overall excellent job.
-
The only typo that I noticed was in paragraph 1, it should be "sat down beside her." rather than "besides her."
Your story kept my interest. I most definately enjoyed it.
Great twist at the end. -
immovable - not unmovable or in this context it might be unmoving? sorry minor nitpick there, but I am a grammar nazi! This reminds me of Robert Browning's poem 'Porphyria's Lover' in its detail and plot line. I liked the way this moved and the ending was a nice twist away from the expected. Didn't think it was too confusing although on a very minor structural level you may want to make the way you lay out your dialogue clearer to help the reader follow exactly what's going on. Interesting and you did hold my interest. Thanks.
. Rewarded 8
-
Wow
Great read!
-
No, I got it. Nice twist. You had me going, thinking something else was going to happen, till that last bit there. Nicely written. I'm not sure if you're going for a first psychotic break, or just the worst so far in a long line of hallucinations, but it was described well. The detail of the dirt sliding into the rainy grave was great. I totally got mud on my shoes, I was right there.
There were occasional small punctuation mistakes, most of which involved not putting a comma inside the end of your quotations that don't end with a period.
In your last paragraph, "You've done very well" s/b "You've done very well," and "Now call the police, and tell them what you've done" s/b "Now call the police, and tell them what you've done," for example.
Also in Paragraph 6, the doctors idea s/b the doctor's idea.
Nicely written!
. Rewarded 8
Adding your comment:
1 - 22 of 22
